“You’re not taking this well, are you?” I look up at the sound of Jay’s voice. He’s standing against the doorframe to the kitchen, staring at me. A phone is in his hand. His phone. I look down at my own hand, and it’s there. He tosses it back and forth in his hands, grinning at me and taunting me.

The decision is obvious. I need to call and turn myself in, but I can’t fucking bring myself to do it.

I grip the phone tightly before shoving it away from me, but when I look up it’s still there, still in his hands.

“You’re not real,” I tell him, refusing to rise and go touch him. Have I ever felt him? I can’t remember a time I have. I’m crazy. Legitimately insane.

My mind plays tricks on me. Jay vanishes and my head throbs, memories changing in my head, turning fuzzy then sharp with the truth. The memories coming back.

He smiles, a thin, wicked smile and says, “Of course I am. I’m you.”

“Make it stop,” I grit from between my teeth, holding my head and rocking back and forth. I stand and scream, “You’re not real!”

But who is it that wasn’t real? The life I lived was a lie. I struggle to breathe as my stomach churns and I realize the very man I pitied, the life I saw as pathetic and disturbing… it was me. It was mine all along.

“All those nights I couldn’t sleep,” I hear Jay say and I look up to search for him, but he’s nowhere to be found. I wince as I stumble and grip the wall, my head pounding harder and harder. “All the nights I had to go to her just to know it was real. That it really happened and it haunted her, too.”

“Get out of my head!” I scream and seethe with anger. My eyes open slowly and I lift my head, seeing him watching from the corner of the living room.

“And what’s worse? I knew I was fucked up in the head. So fucked up I couldn’t go to her. I wanted to. So, fucking badly, but because of you, I couldn’t!”

Toby barks and snarls, turning to face Jay, to face nothing. His hackles are raised as he exposes his teeth and a vicious growl echoes in the room.

“Jay?” I hear Robin call out from down the hallway, and closest to Jay. Closest to where Toby is facing. To what he sees as a threat.

Not my little bird. My body feels heavy and then light. He’s gone and then I’m gone, a blackness taking over. But I fight it. The fur bunches in my hand.

I hear him whine, feel the dog’s claws digging into the ground, and the sounds follow me, although I don’t feel present. I’m here but not in control of my actions. Present but weak. Muted by the control Jay has, but conscious of it.

The basement door slams shut, and Toby claws and barks at the door. Over and over, the poor thing trapped but our Robin protected.

Our Robin.

“It’s hell, isn’t it?” I hear Jay’s voice in my head as I come back to what’s real. As I struggle to catch my breath and feel the blood from Toby’s bite dripping down my arm.

When did he bite me?

“When you grabbed him from behind,” I hear Jay say from the other end of the hallway.

“Jay!” Robin calls out from behind the closed door to her room.

“It’s a bitch being there but not being present, isn’t it?” Jay sneers. “It’s fucking hell!” he screams and then stares at Robin’s bedroom door.

“I’m coming out,” Robin says from behind the door and both of us whip our heads to stare.

“Stay inside!” he screams before I can, but the words come from me, I can feel it. My body, but not my mind.

I don’t want her out here, I think but don’t say.

She’s not a part of this, I hear in my own head. I look up and he’s gone.

“You brought her here,” I say out loud with spite.

“I can help, we need to talk,” Robin says and her words are muted by the closed door.

“How could you bring her here?” I ask him as my body trembles. My poor Robin. She can’t be here.

“You slept. Well you thought you slept, with not a fucking worry in the world. All the while, all I am is a fucking ghost of what happened to us! You kept me back to feel better,” he spits the last two words.

“Selfish fuck!” I spit the words as the bedroom door opens. In two large strides I’m at the door and pulling the handle hard so it shuts.

“Stay inside!” I scream at her while Jay fights for control, or does he? I don’t know anymore. My head pulses again with pain.

“I’m not going away, John.”

I grab both sides of my head, falling against the hallway.

“Jay, please,” I hear Robin call as the door creaks open again.

“Get out,” I tell him as my hands ball into tight fists. They pound my head time and again.

“Please let me help you.” She’s cautious and doesn’t move from her spot, but she opens the door slowly.

“You do this to me!” Jay’s voice forces my eyes up to the corner of the hallway as Robin approaches me. He screams back at me, his eyes glossy and suddenly I see him for who he really is. “This is who you are!”

“Jay, please,” Robin says and walks toward me with her hands up. She’s walking into the fire.

She’s not safe.

“Get out,” I tell her as I press my hand to the wall and steady myself. “Get out of here,” I bite out the words as she flinches and takes a half step back.

“I’m not leaving you,” she says quietly beneath her breath, her eyes wide with both fear and disbelief. Jay’s voice echoes in my head as he screams, but I don’t listen.

“Get out,” I say calmly, all the rage just beneath the surface. She tries to turn, to run back to her room, but I’m faster than her. I close the door and slam it shut before she can run. I cage her small body in, loving the heat and the feel.

I fucking love her, and that makes the pain in my chest only splinter deeper.

“Get out,” I repeat again, feeling her hair in my face and resisting the urge to touch her, to comfort her as she trembles beneath me.

“I can help,” she barely gets out as she turns in the small space between us.

“That’s why I’m here,” she pleads with me, chancing a moment to reach out to me. Her small hands reach up to my chest and I feel Jay inside of me. I feel him cower in pain and agony.

I’m a monster. “He never should have brought you here,” I tell her and grab her wrists.

Her breath shudders as I tug her away.

“No!” she yells as she kicks me and runs to the living room.

I grind my teeth and follow her in, right on her heels. She grabs onto the first thing she sees, the sofa, and grips it as if it will protect her.

“John, no,” she pleads with me, but she doesn’t turn.

My breath stills and I feel Jay pace inside, hating me and wanting to kill me as I pry her fingers from the edge of the sofa.

She can’t stay. I won’t let her see this.

Jay’s quiet as I fight her, holding her small body against mine and force her from the house. She kicks and begs me over and over, but I ignore her.

As I toss her outside, careful to keep her from falling too much, I know how this needs to end.