Billie calls. She wants me to drop Sorab off for the afternoon. She is lonely. She misses him. I leave Sorab with her and go to Sloane Square. I want to buy a pink shirt for Blake. It’s a sort of joke. He thinks pink shirts are sissy, and I think they are a turn-on—only really macho men can carry them off. I find the shirt I want and I am about to return home when I suddenly stop in my tracks.
Rupert Lothian.
There are two men with him, business types in dark suits. He must have just had lunch with them. For a moment we are both so surprised neither of us speaks, but he is first to recover.
‘What a lovely surprise,’ he says smoothly, and lays a heavy, proprietary hand on my arm. And grasps it. I try to shake him off unobtrusively, but he tightens his hold. He turns to the two men and tells them he will call them later. They call out their goodbyes and leave together, and Rupert turns his attention to me.
‘I was wondering, just the other day, what the devil happened to you. How’ve you been, gorgeous?’
‘I’m fine, but I’m late and I really must be going. It was nice to see you again, though.’
‘What’s the rush? Come and have coffee with me,’ he invites. His voice is genial and wheedling, but I still have the memory of his oyster-flavored saliva pouring down my throat, his finger digging into my crotch, seeking rough entry. If only I am big enough and strong enough to be able to say, ‘Don’t stop, don’t look at me, don’t touch me. Walk on by.’ But I am not big enough and I remember the sheer male strength of his rugby player’s hands as he pinned me against the wall and abused me.
‘Perhaps some other time.’ I take a step back, but he refuses to relinquish his hold on my hand. ‘Are you still with him?’
‘That’s really none of your business.’
‘As a matter of fact, I am looking for some business. Are you available? Same terms as before.’
I twist my arm and try to wrench it free, but his grip is like an iron clamp. The fury that I never expressed before rises like bile inside me. Without thinking I bring my other arm up and hit him, and instantly he lets go of my arm, and throws a punch in my direction. It should have hit me square in the face, but it only glances my chin. I stare in surprise as he lands on the ground. Flat on his back. Out cold. I look up dazed. A man is standing in front of me. I stare at him. The blood thrums in my ears.
‘Are you all right?’ he asks solicitously. He is looking at my chin.
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘Good. You best be on your way, then.’
‘What about him?’ I glance at Rupert, sprawled, unmoving. He could even be dead for all I know.
‘Don’t worry about him. I’ll make sure he is all right.’
I nod, but the whole thing is surreal. The speed with which this man arrived on the scene and the swift, totally professional move that floored a huge man like Rupert. I look again at the man. He has sandy hair, a fit, wiry body and flinty eyes. Dressed in a black shirt, leather jacket and blue jeans, he could be anybody off the street, but I know he is not. He did not appear here by accident.
His kindness is a mirage. Pay him the right money and he will just as easily break my neck. I take a step away from him.
‘Don’t forget your shopping,’ he reminds me politely.
I turn and look at the shopping bag lying on the sidewalk. The pink shirt is poking out. I pick it up and without a word, without thanking him, I walk away quickly. As if I am running away from the scene of a crime. Perhaps I am.
I walk for God knows how long, my mind in turmoil. I come upon crowded walkways where people brush past me, but I feel nothing. When it finally dawns on me, I come to a dead stop suddenly. A woman runs into me and swears inelegantly. She loses her anger when I turn around to apologize. She looks at my chin, mumbles something and walks on.
I walk towards the wall of a building and lean against it.
Finally, one more piece in the mad puzzle. That is why Blake suddenly turned up at the apartment when Jack came to visit. And why he appeared so unexpectedly, his behavior so odd and secretive that day when Victoria’s mother made contact and he suddenly whisked me away to Venice to hide, to think, and to regroup. And that too is how he knew to smell my face the day I kissed Jack.
He has always had me followed. The whole fucking time.
I feel angry and confused. Why? Why would he spy on me? He is so full of secrets. So mysterious.
By the time I reach the apartment I feel lost and unbearably sad. My entire life is a messy lie. Being secretly followed and watched seems an extension of all the other lies that my relationship with Blake entails. I open the front door and Blake comes striding towards me. Of course. He already knows about Rupert. I stand at the door and stare at him. His hair is disheveled, his tie has been pulled loose and is hanging a few inches away from his throat. But it is his eyes that I cannot look away from. I have never seen his eyes so wild with fear.
He lays a gentle hand on my throbbing chin. I flinch slightly. Immediately, he retracts his hand, and I swear I see tears swimming in his eyes. Then he pulls me into his arms and holds me tight. I hear him take a deep breath.
‘I’ve been sick with fear. Where have you been all this time?’ he asks in a hushed voice.
‘I was walking.’
‘Why did you switch your phone off?’
‘I didn’t. My battery was low. It must have died.’
‘Oh God, Lana. Don’t do that to me again.’
He takes a step away from me. ‘He grabbed you. Did he hurt you anywhere else?’
I shake my head, but he pulls the sleeves of my coat and examines my arms. He touches the light bruises and looks at me. There is pain in his eyes. ‘I have taken care of that bastard. He will never hurt another woman in his life again.’
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you so much nothing else matters. But I don’t say it. I can’t. Something is very wrong. I cannot only think of myself. There is more than just me in this equation. There is Sorab. And I will love him the way my mother loved me. I will give him everything. And everything could mean no Blake EVER. Victoria’s mother’s words are still fresh. ‘You and your son are in grave danger.’ It would appear she was right.
I swallow the lump in my throat. I am in such pain I feel sick.
‘What?’ he asks worriedly.
‘Nothing,’ I say. But I actually feel dizzy. If he was not here, I would throw myself on the bed and howl—because I cannot have this man. I grit my teeth.
‘Come,’ he says and taking my hand leads me to the bedroom. His plan is simple. As Billie would say—he is a man, what can you expect? He wants me to sleep. When I wake up it will be all OK.
So I let him put me to bed. I watch him with blank eyes. I know he doesn’t understand. And that he never will. Men are strong in a physical way, they don’t know how to be strong in an emotional way. He thinks if I have no bruises I have no pain. I grasp his hand. ’Why did you have me followed?’
He runs his hand through his hair. He moves away from me. Paces the bedroom carpet like a caged creature. Then he sits beside me. ‘Do you really want the truth, Lana?’
‘Always.’
‘Even if it makes a liar of you?’
‘Even then.’
‘Because I couldn’t trust you with my son. Not in that horrible place you live in.’
My jaw drops.
‘Jesus, Lana, what did you expect me to do? That place is crawling with drug addicts and low-lifes. I can’t even bear it when you go there let alone a helpless thing like him.’
I gasp. ‘You knew all along?’
‘Oh, Lana, Lana, Lana. You must take me for such a fool. Did you really think I would not know he is mine? I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him.’
I am so shocked I can say nothing. Then I remember how silent he had suddenly become when he first looked at Sorab. And then he had blanked his eyes and casually asked me, ‘Does he cry a lot?’
And that was the first day he had stayed the night. That was the first day he stopped drinking heavily and the first day he began to look at me without hate. It was the day he understood that I had left him not because I had been paid, but because I was pregnant. The next day his things had arrived and he had begun to live in the apartment with me.
‘This elaborate charade… It was for you. For whatever you were playing at. I wanted to know what kind of woman you were. What kind of woman are you, Lana? You lie with me every night and you never think to tell me I have a son?’
I sit up. ‘I was afraid.’
‘Of what? Me?’
‘I was afraid you or your family would take him away from me?’
‘What are you talking about? I would never take him away from you.’
‘It is in the confidentiality agreement I signed. If I have your child I will have to give it up.’
He sits on the bed and leans his forehead against his hand. ‘This is all so fucked up.’ He turns to face me. ‘I’m sorry, Lana. I was so stupid.’
‘What happens now?’
‘Nothing. For now.’
A thought suddenly occurs to me. ‘So you were having me followed because you are worried about Sorab’s safety?’
He nods, but his eyes are careful, watchful.
‘I didn’t have Sorab with me today.’ My voice is flat.
‘You have your own detail. Do you think I would protect my son and not his mother?’ His gaze is hard, uncompromising, refusing to be ashamed by his underhand methods.
‘I don’t like being watched. Call off my shadow?’
‘After today? Are you kidding me?’ He stands up and puts some distance between us. He turns to look at me. ‘It’s for your own protection, Lana.’
‘Today was an exception. I don’t need to be protected.’
‘What’s your real objection, Lana? It’s not like it’s in your face, is it? You didn’t even know until today when Brian had to break his cover.’
‘That doesn’t make it better.’
His jaw clenches. ‘I can’t work. I can’t concentrate. In fact, I think I actually go quite crazy when I don’t know that you are all right. Can’t you just humor me on this one thing?’
‘Why are you so paranoid? Is there something that I should be fearful of?’
He comes to me. ‘I have my reasons. You and Sorab are my first priority.’
I look at him stubbornly.
‘Is it really so much to ask, Lana?’
‘OK.’
He breathes a great sigh of relief. ‘Thank you.’
I touch his hand.
‘There was a time I used think Arab men were mad to keep their women covered and hidden. Now I know where the need comes from.’ He jabs his finger into the hard wall of his stomach. ‘In here.’
God, I love this man so much it hurts. It actually hurts.