Monday

My hands were shaking as I splashed water on my face. I gripped the sides of the sink and stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was whole when I left for London. But there was a broken man staring back at me now. I knew what this looked like. I was all too familiar with it.

It had always been my fear. The darkest one. The one I didn't know how to let go of. The one that no amount of goodness could erase. I closed my eyes so that I wouldn't see the twitch of my eye. Because the truth was, my supply had just run out. And I needed a fix. I needed to kiss her lips. I needed to smell her hair. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I gripped the sink even harder. Penny had always been my drug. Taste. Touch. Smell. Sight. Sound. She was everything. Without her, I had nothing left.

I kept my eyes closed as the restroom door opened.

"Where were you?" Rob asked.

I didn't say anything. Where was I? Where had I been when my wife was dying? In the air? At a meeting? How long had she been in surgery? How long had I been standing in this fucking bathroom, hiding from the world?

"She needed you," Rob said and shoved my shoulder.

I didn't move, I was gripping the sink so tight.

"You were in London screwing some random girl when your wife was seven months pregnant with your child." He grabbed the back of my shirt, pulling me away from the mirrors. "Fuck you." He pushed me, slamming my lower back against the sink.

It was the first thing I had felt besides my twitch in too long. Fire. I used to love getting into fights when I was young. When I had nothing to lose. The feeling of my knuckles against someone's jaw was thrilling. I tried to shake away the thought. This wasn't some random guy in a bar. This was my brother. I tried to focus on what he had just said. Screwing some random girl? "What the hell are you even talking about?"

He shoved my chest. "You fucking prick."

Fire.

"I lied to her for you. That's the last thing I'll ever say to her. Covering for your cheating ass."

Fire. I clenched my hand into a fist. "I didn't cheat on Penny."

"This happened right after she saw pictures of you with some slut. This is your fault."

Crack. That sound. The one of bone hitting flesh. My fist against his jaw. That was the sound I had always loved so much. Fire.

Rob put his hand on his jaw where I had punched him. He shook his head. "I wanted to kick your ass anyway," he said. He launched himself at me, knocking us both to the floor.

I tasted blood in my mouth as Rob's fisted landed against the side of my face. And I felt something besides the twitch. Bone against flesh. Blood. My heart started beating again for just a second as I unsuccessfully tried to break my brother's nose.

He punched me again, knocking my head back against the cold tile floor. And a strangled sob escaped my throat. Not because it hurt. But because I imagined Penny's skin being as cold as that disgusting floor beneath me. Like ice. She was so pale. The fire I had felt had evaporated as quickly as it had come. And all I could feel was pain. My chest ached. I couldn't breathe.

"Jesus." Rob climbed off of me.

The only noise in the room was the stifled sound of me holding back my sobs.

Rob wiped the blood dribbling down his chin with the back of his hand. "You cheated on her," he said. "How could you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I love my wife." The word "wife" sounded as broken as I felt. Please, baby. Please still be breathing. I pulled myself to a seated position.

"Then what the hell were you doing with that side-piece in London?!" He took a step toward me, but stopped. I stared at his hands forming into fists. He was showing restraint. But I wished he wouldn't. I wanted to feel the pain of his fist against my jaw again. It was better than the numbness. It was better craving something that I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to have again.

"I wanted to surprise her." I shook my head, realizing how dumb it was now. "I got her a publishing deal." It was all empty. I was in London for something Penny didn't want. At least, she didn't want it from me. I should have fucking been here.

Rob wiped his hand off on his jeans, which were already covered in blood. I couldn't stop staring at the red stains on his clothes. Penny's blood. I should have been holding my wife instead of a contract that meant nothing. She needed me.

"Who was the woman?" Rob asked.

I stared at him blankly. And then shook my head, trying to think of anything but the blood. "A literary agent." I finally realized the extent of what my brother was saying. "Penny thought I was cheating on her?" It was getting harder and harder to breathe.

"What would you think if you were in her shoes?"

"I just wanted to surprise her. I wanted her to feel..." I let my voice trail off. What? Happy? Her frowns killed me. I didn't understand why she needed more than what I could give her, why she felt unfulfilled in our lives. Because the truth was, I'd still be happy if I stopped teaching. As long as I had her, I didn't need anything else. So why wasn't I fucking enough for her? I took a deep breath, but it didn't feel like anything filled my lungs.

"Worthy of you instead of just lucky," Rob said.

"What?"

"That's what Penny wanted. She thought writing a book and making a name for herself would make her worthy of you. Instead of just lucky that you chose her. That's why she wanted it. That's why she didn't want your help with it."

"Did she tell you that?"

"She didn't have to, man." He sat down on the floor next to me.

"I fucked everything up. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You were thinking you wanted to make her happy. It's not like that's some fatal flaw. But yeah...it looked bad. I may have been projecting though."

I looked up at him.

"She started throwing up after I brought her ice cream. Then she started bleeding." He looked down at the floor. "All of this is actually my fault."

I shook my head. "No, I'll tell you whose fucking fault it is. Her last OB-GYN who didn't tell us about her heart condition in the first place. I need to go talk to my lawyer."

"I don't know if this had anything to do with her heart. She was having stomach pains."

"It has everything to do with it." I slowly stood up. "I'll be back."

"You can't leave. Scar won't stop crying. She needs you."

"I can't..." I shook my head. "I can't look at her right now." I walked over to the door.

"Penny needs you here. You have a kid that needs you. And any minute now, you'll have another one. The lawsuit can wait. You need to be here."

I pushed open the door.
"Penny never left your hospital bed after you got shot," he said to my back. "Never."

"That's the thing, Rob. I was never worthy of Penny, not the other way around." The door closed behind me with a thud. If Rob was expecting me to feel guilty, that wasn't going to work. I couldn't feel anything but the numbness creeping into my bones.