OLIVIA

(Aged Six and Three-Quarters)

 

I told Mummy about the teacher being horrible to me yesterday. She wasn’t happy. When I told her and Daddy that Mrs Hoardman had made me face the corner for the whole of playtime, Daddy’s face got all squinty. Mummy asked why I’d been made to do that. I told her all of it, and I didn’t lie, not once. Mrs Hoardman had said that all the toys had to stay in their own corners. The books are in the blue corner, the blocks are the yellow corner. And I was a pirate in the red dress-up corner, but I wanted to read a book. I didn’t mean to go over to the blue corner with my pirate clothes and sword on, but I forgot. Mummy says that sometimes we forget things and it’s an accident. That’s what happened to me. Mrs Hoardman shouted and I said I was sorry, but her face nearly turned purple, and even Jenny Burns started crying.

When I told Mummy, her face turned squinty like Daddy’s, and she looked at him and said, “This will be sorted tomorrow.” I didn’t know what she meant, but Daddy nodded and told me to give him a cuddle. I got to sit on Daddy’s lap for ages. Then Uncle Dane came over, and Mummy told him. Uncle Dane picked me up and tickled me lots. I think they forgot when it was my bedtime because I stayed up late.

This morning Mummy is talking to Mrs Hoardman. They have cross faces, especially Mummy. I have been quiet for ages, but I need to tell Mrs Hoardman something. I keep pulling her skirt, but she doesn’t notice me.

I try again and tug her skirt. “Mrs Hoardman,” I whisper quietly. “Mrs Hoardman.” Now I need to pee. I hop from one foot to the other and pull Mrs Hoardman’s skirt again.

“What Olivia?” She is cross, although not as much as usual now that Mummy is here.

Mummy looks at me, her face is smiley. “What is it, honey?” I blink and look back to Mrs Hoardman’s cross face.

“My Uncle Dane said, if you shout at me again or make me stand in the corner, he’s going to come down here and swing you around by your nipples.”

I came home from school today and spent all day with Mummy. It was the best day. Mummy spoke to Uncle Dane on the phone and was cross with him. Everyone was cross, but my Daddy laughed.

 

 

LIVVY

(Aged Ten)

 

“Stop it! Stop it!” I jump up and down trying to reach my lunch bag. Even though I do ballet, the boys are so much taller, and I just can’t reach. Christopher Palmer is always horrible. He picks on me more since my cousins, Isaac and Tobias, moved up to the local high school, but it’s okay, I can take care of myself. Lawson is my other cousin and their little brother. I never tell him about Christopher as he’s only nine, and I don’t want him to get in trouble with Mrs Petty. She’s a mean cow bag. Mrs Petty never liked Tobias and Isaac when they went to this school, and she has sure never liked me. Christopher’s her grandson, so she always believes him, even though he’s a big fat liar.

“Chris, give me my lunch!” I shout again, but he just laughs and looks to his friends, Martin and Carl, who laugh with him. I can feel the heat creeping up my neck, and I know they’re going to point out my red face in a minute too.

“Awww, poor O-livia, let’s see what your mummy packed you today shall we, Hairy Beast?” Chris says, chucking my lunch over to Martin, who eagerly opens the box. The taunts started the minute Toby and Isaac left. Before, Chris would only tease me when they weren’t around and he never called me names. Then bang, one day he seemed to create this rumour about me having hairy legs and then the nickname Hairy Beast was officially mine.

“Ooo, ham sandwich,” Martin adds. “Should you really be eating one of your own kind? Well, piggy?”

“Watch out, lads, she’s turning red,” Carl adds, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet.

What I did next, secured my nickname for the next year of middle school and the first year of high school. The Rhino. Perfect.

I’m so cross, my skin prickles with embarrassment, and there’s a circle of people surrounding us now, all laughing at me. So I run full pelt, straight toward Chris. His eyes only widen at the last minute when he realises what I’m doing, but it’s too late. I barrel head first into his midsection taking him completely off his feet, and we both fall with a thud to the ground.

I remember very little of what happened next. Chris was crying, and I was reigning punches down on his face one after the other.

Now Mum has come to school to collect me. She’s in with Mr Price, the headmaster, and Mrs Petty is in there too. I can hear raised voices and I know they’re not happy with me. I gave Chris a fat lip. I cross my arms with annoyance when I think about all the mean things he’s done and said to me.

The door creaks open and out steps a very angry looking Mrs Petty. She glances down at me with a sneer and walks off.

“Now, Olivia, please come in and sit down,” Mr Price states. I follow him inside and listen as he tells me why my behaviour is unacceptable. My mum says nothing but sits close to my side.

“Olivia, you cannot go around pushing people over. Violence is never the answer,” he tells me firmly.

“What if I kick him in his willy? My Uncle Dane says if a boy is doing something he shouldn’t be, then I can kick him in his willy,” I tell Mr Price matter-of-factly.

His face turns red and he looks to my mum, I look up to her too. She’s doing the scrunchy thing with her face that she always does when she’s trying not to laugh.

“Mrs McKenna, I suggest you take Olivia home today and try to explain why this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated at this school.”

My mum stands telling me to get up and grab my things.

“Mr Price, if you want me to make sure Olivia understands her behaviour was unacceptable, then can I also assume you’ll make sure Christopher Palmer is punished for his behaviour, not just today, but over the course of Livvy’s school life? Or are family members of teachers exempt from being taught how to act like decent human beings?”

Mr Price splutters as Mum grabs my hand and we walk out of school.

My mum rocks.

 

 

LIV

(Aged Fifteen)

 

“Him? Really, Liv?” Isaac drawls beside me as we make our way to English Lit class. Well, I make my way there. Isaac is in sixth form now and as such seems to do what he wants.

“Why not? Dean Chester is hot, and he likes me,” I reply, pulling the gum from my mouth and twirling it around my finger. Isaac and I have always been the closest out of our family. Sometimes he’s more like my best friend than my cousin. I’d never tell Victoria that though, as she believes she’s my closest friend.

Isaac looks at my finger and raises an eyebrow. I roll my eyes at him but deposit the gum into the nearest bin.

“He’s a dick,” is his only reply.

“You say that about every guy. When Tommy wanted to go to the cinema with me, you said he was a dick too.”

“He was, and not twenty-four hours later he was back with Leanne.”

I huff and roll my eyes, but it’s not something I can deny. “When Richard wanted to take me to the school disco, you told me he was also a dick.”

“And when you said no and he spread that rumour?” He deadpans as we draw to a stop in the corridor.

You punched him. I remember, but keep the thought to myself.

“Whatever.” I kick my shoe against the brick wall as we wait outside my class. “Okay, so tell me oh wise one… what’s wrong with Dean?” I question, placing my hand on my hip.

“Well, last weekend he was at Adrian’s party and he had Tasha pinned against the wall, not sure how far that went.”

I groan and drop my head backwards. “Why is every guy that’s interested in me an arsehole?”

Isaac doesn’t say anything, just shrugs his shoulders.

“And why wasn’t I invited to Adrian’s party?” I stomp my foot.

“I’ll see you later, Via.” He ignores my question, smiles at my frown, then walks away. Almost from nowhere, Charlotte, Isaac’s latest girlfriend, appears and latches onto his arm.

 

 

LIV

(Aged Sixteen and a Half)

 

“He’s leaving.”

“What do you mean he’s leaving?” my best friend, Victoria, screeches down the phone.

“What I said, Tori, he’s leaving. He’s going into the Army.”

“Well, can’t you… I don’t know, ask him if he wants a last fling? You know, because he won’t be able to for a while?”

“Of course he’ll be able to Tori. This isn’t the nineteen forties, women are allowed in the Army these days you know,” I tell her with a grin on my face because it seems like the right thing to do, when in truth, I feel like I’m being ripped apart at the seams. “Anyway, he has his career now, and I have dance to focus on.”

“Pfft, whatever. You may not be able to see it Livvy, but I’ve told you for ages that he has a thing for you. God! Every time you attempt to date someone he cockblocks you!” I can almost see her face becoming red with annoyance.

“I’m not sure cockblock is the right term in this situation, Tori.” I grin again, and it’s genuine this time.

“Right, well he has a cock, and he blocks you from seeing other guys… that is the very definition of cockblock, Liv. Don’t question me on this,” she states.

I giggle, but only in my head and not out loud. I know she’s touchy about this subject. There has been many a party or social event when she has wanted to double date, but something has always gotten in the way of me being able to join in.

Once we were all set to meet some boys at the local bowling alley, and ten minutes before I was leaving to meet Tori, my hamster Elmo got out of his cage. It was the first and last time he ever escaped. Isaac was on the games console in my room. I’d gone into my sister Eleanor’s bedroom because, although she had moved out, half of her makeup stash remained. I grabbed the extra-length mascara and rushed back to my room before my mum noticed me. I had just sat down at my dressing table, eyes wide, mouth hanging open and about to apply a coat of mascara to my top lashes when in the mirror, I spotted something moving. Screeching with worry, I spun around and bolted across the room shouting for Elmo. I glanced at his home and saw the metal cage had come unclipped from the plastic bottom. That night I spent over an hour getting the bloody hamster back in his cage. Isaac was no use, telling me he couldn’t help because he was playing video games.

Then there was the time I was supposed to be going to the swimming pool with Tori, and my swimsuit went missing that very morning. It turned up three days later in my junk cupboard. That particular day Tori came to the rescue with one of her spare bikinis. We got to the pool, met the boys, and ten minutes later Isaac, Tobias, and their friends all turned up at the same pool. Five minutes after that, the boys we went there to meet had to leave unexpectedly. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.

Isaac—both the pain in my arse and the ache in my heart.

“No, you’re right Tori, but that doesn’t change anything. He doesn’t feel any way about me. I think he’s just always figured it was his job to watch out for me. You know, like a big brother.”

Tori gripes down the line, but because she’s such a good friend, she knows the conversation isn’t going any further, so she wisely remains silent.

 

 

LIV

(Eighteen Today - Happy Birthday to Me)

 

“Via.”

That voice, it hits every part of me and I spin around looking at a not too much older—but judging by the look in his eyes—a much wiser and more experienced Isaac.

“Isaac,” I brokenly whisper. My eyes instantly fill with tears.

He’s been in the Army for eighteen months now and apart from two flying visits, he’s stayed away. I thought he wasn’t due home for another two weeks and never expected him to be back for my birthday.

“Missed you,” he exhales the words into my hair as he wraps me up in his now very muscular six-foot-two body.

I can’t reply as the tears choke me, and a sob becomes a hiccup.

“Hey, I’m home,” he whispers, leaning back and placing a finger under my chin until I’m staring back at his big, deep, blue eyes again. It’s been too long.

“Yeah Isaac, you are… but for how long?” I push the question out through my wet, salty lips.

His gaze moves away from mine and hits the floor. “Not long enough,” he tells me so quietly that I wonder if I was supposed to hear.

“Hey baby, so this is the famous Isaac, huh? How you doing, brother?” Charlie picks that moment to walk over and pretend to be a boyfriend to me. I tense as he wraps his arm around my shoulder.

“Brother?” Isaac rumbles, and I can feel a blush spreading across my cheeks. Charlie is a boy, Isaac is a man—the thought has never been more apparent to me than at the moment they meet.

“Dude, chill.” Charlie laughs, and I inwardly groan as Isaac raises an eyebrow.

“Isaac, this is Charlie,” I introduce, trying not to stare into Isaac’s brooding eyes. “Charlie,” I step away from Isaac, who gives me a questioning look. “This is my… this is my… my… Isaac.” I can’t bring myself to say cousin. Every time that word hits my brain, it tells me my feelings for him are wrong… bad… dirty. He’s my cousin, and although legally I could still be with him, people would judge. I know he’s not my blood relative, but people would still cast aspersions. It shouldn’t matter, but the truth is my family would judge, and I couldn’t bear that.

Isaac holds out his hand, and Charlie slaps it in an awkward high-five motion. I cringe and close my eyes hoping that when they open, this scene playing out in front of me is just a bad dream. If I’m lucky, I’ll wake up in A Level English naked in front of the class... anything has to be better than this.

Two hours later, and Charlie is wasted. “Come on, I’ll take you home,” I tell him with a sigh.

“Babe… you’re the bessst,” he drawls, clinging to my shoulder and using me as an anchor to hold himself up. We slip out of the party. I’m not quite sure how I manage to get out unseen, what with me being the birthday girl, as well as having a drunk man-boy whisper shouting and hanging onto me as I try to make it through the door sideways. I realise I haven’t gone unnoticed when only a few feet outside, Isaac appears. Wordlessly, he grabs one of Charlie’s arms and hauls it around his shoulder taking his whole weight and dragging him out to the kerb, past my little red car—the one my parents bought for me last year for my seventeenth birthday. While it’s cute, it’s also old and tiny. Instead, he walks over to a black, shiny truck beeping the locks. Pulling open the door, he pushes Charlie into the passenger seat and then spins around to face me.

“Come on.” He grabs my hand, and I feel the spark ignite between us as he leads me around to the other side. “Get in,” he tells me, opening the driver’s door and nodding. I furrow my brow, confused as to why I’m getting in the driver’s side, but he nods again, and I climb in. Then I see there’s a bench seat, so I scoot to the middle. Isaac climbs in after me, and the minute he’s in the cab he fills the space both with his stature and his aura—dangerous.

I let my eyes roam over the interior space.

“I’ve spent a fair bit of time overseas, I like the American trucks,” he explains and I shrug. “Where does your boy live?” he asks.

“London Road,” I tell him. He starts the engine and it judders, rocking from side to side, before he pulls away.

“So you’re okay?” I ask.

“Yep. I’m all good, Via, you?” he replies.

“Fine.”

“Good.”

I wonder why things are suddenly so awkward.

“You didn’t write,” I whisper the words. I’m not sure I want him to hear, or to answer, but it’s something I feel the need to say out loud.

“No.” He doesn’t speak again, and we ride in silence to Charlie’s house.

“Here… this is it,” I tell him as he slows down on London Road. He pulls up and jumps out, helping me get Charlie to his house. I knock a couple of times. Charlie lives in a shared house with three other guys, but I only know two of them, Spence and Calum. After knocking again Calum throws the door open and immediately spots Charlie.

“Oh fuck, not again. I don’t know why you put up with him and his shit, Olivia,” Calum says groaning. He grabs Charlie from our grasp and pulls him inside giving a small chin lift to Isaac.

I walk back to Isaac’s truck saying nothing to him. As he drives along I concentrate on the movement, which sways me as I lean against the passenger window.

“What did he mean?”

I turn to face him. “What did who mean?” I ask confused.

“The guy at the door. He said he didn’t know why you put up with his shit. What did he mean, Via?”

I feel my stomach tighten with nerves and my eyes dart from left to right. “Oh, just that Charlie is stupid and gets drunk a lot.”

“Hmmm,” Isaac responds, but then he allows silence to descend again. My eyes close for what feels like a second, but when I reopen them, we’re parking in the driveway of his house.

“Isaac, what are we doing here?”

I turn toward him again and watch as his head drops backwards. He looks to the roof of his truck and closes his eyes. “I don’t know,” he tells me.

My breathing picks up alongside my heartbeat. “Come on,” he demands and pulls me out of the door after him, dragging me up the path and into his house. Once we’re in the hallway, he slams me against the wall. For a very slow moment, he just stares at me, his guard dropping from his eyes, and the Isaac I know and love is finally staring back. It awakens me, and without thinking, I move forward touching our lips. That’s all it takes—my flame—it ignites the fire, and before I know what’s happening, I’m being carried up the stairs and then bouncing as Isaac throws me onto his bed.

He takes a breath, and I wait as he watches me. His jaw clenches, and for a second I feel like maybe this is where he decides to take me home. I can only just see his face in the darkness, but the minute he makes his decision, it’s clear in his eyes.

With no words spoken, Isaac sheds his clothes, then mine. Taking his time, he climbs over me, his warm hands exploring for the very first time. Tender kisses, filled with love, follow where his fingers have trailed. Isaac gently and lovingly caresses me with soft strokes of his tongue, and feather touches across my skin. Building me up slowly, he eases me into something I’ve never wanted with anyone else. It’s like my body recognises his, as if we were created especially for one another. My heart hammers a nervous beat inside my chest, and I almost forget to breathe. With a tenderness only he could possess, he guides us together, our eyes locked and our mouths touching. Isaac takes my virginity, takes my heart, and I know in that instant, I’ll be forever his.

The next morning I wake alone. I’m sleepy, dazed, and confused. Pulling the covers back, I gasp when I look down and realise I wasn’t thinking last night. I don’t regret giving my virginity to Isaac, no matter what happens now. But I do regret the fact that in the daylight, with my clothes off, I opened up my biggest secret to him. I stare at my chest, stomach, ribs, and hips—the bruises and cuts are plain to see. Purple, yellow, green, and blue of varying degrees fade into my pale skin, small and large cuts show the age of my beatings.

“Isaac!” I scream, jumping off the bed, grabbing for my shirt and running through the house.

I was too late.

Isaac beat Charlie to within an inch of his life.

Then accepted the guilty plea.

His admission earned him the maximum sentence of five years for grievous bodily harm, and was dishonourably discharged from the Army.

He refused to see me.

Six months later, I started drinking and skipping school. Three months after that, the dance scholarship I had been awarded was revoked.

I lost it all. Everything I ever wanted when I was eighteen fell to pieces… including me.