Chapter 9
“Don’t be shy, Noella.” He took a step back, but his hands remained around my waist. “Sometimes you just have to listen to your desire.”
“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I have no interest in moving that fast, Glenn.” My heart thudded against my chest. I didn’t feel unsafe with him, but I did see him in a new light. I’d thought his intentions were to have a serious relationship, but his actions told a different story.
“There are those terms and limits again.” He caressed my cheek. “Noella, I’ll never ask you to do anything you don’t want to do. But I wonder, do you even know what you really want?” He leaned in for a light kiss to my lips.
I kissed him in return, uncertain of how to respond to his words.
He was right. When he kissed me, sparks showered through me. When he looked into my eyes—with that confidence that he knew what I wanted—a thrill snaked up my spine. I could easily give into it. I could throw caution to the wind and pull him into the backseat of my car. Other women did it. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Desire was nothing to be ashamed of, I told myself.
“Yes, I do know.” I held his gaze. “At least I know what I don’t want.”
“One more kiss.” He positioned his body so close to mine that my own pressed back against the car. As he neared my lips for another kiss, I closed my eyes.
Maybe I did want this.
I decided to let myself experience the kiss, to not question it, but just enjoy it.
His hands remained on my hips as he drew out the kiss.
I lost myself in the friction and sweetness, and for just a second, I was a teenager again, kissing my future husband for the first time and wondering what it would be like to do more.
As his hands slid around my waist and reached further south, I was awakened from my dazed state.
“No.” I slid out from beneath him and took a few steps away.
“Hey, I’m sorry.” He held his hands up. “I didn’t mean to push it too far. If you want to take things slow, I can respect that. But that was quite a kiss.”
“Yes, it was.” I willed myself to feel calmer. So he tested my boundaries. Maybe that was what I needed. “Thanks for today, Glenn. I need to get going now.”
“Call me tonight?” He met my eyes.
“Yes, I will.” I climbed into the car.
On the drive home I tried to sort out my feelings about the date. Glenn was fun to talk to. He was an interesting man. And I had enjoyed our kisses. But it made me uneasy to think of seeing him again. As much as I wanted to, something shifted in me when I thought about it.
I arrived at home to two kids eager to spend time with me and several texts from my friends, who wanted updates on the date. I didn’t know how to answer yet. Instead, I focused on spending some time with my sons and keeping my attention away from the date as much as I could.
After dinner, as the boys settled in to play on their devices before bed, all of it came rushing back.
Glenn—handsome, entertaining, and ready for so much more than I was. Did I really want to see him again?
When my phone rang, I thought it might be him, but instead it was Hanna.
I answered, stepping into my bedroom to speak to her.
“So how did it go?” Hanna’s voice wavered. “Are you okay? I’ve been trying to reach you all afternoon?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I just got caught up with the boys.” I sat down on the edge of my bed.
“It’s alright. I’m just excited to hear the details.”
“Honestly, it went really well. I had a really nice time with him, until...”
“Until?”
“He walked me out to my car and then he kissed me.”
“Oh, Noella, that’s great!” She squealed.
“It was—kind of, I mean. It was unexpected.”
“Like he just threw you against the car and kissed you?”
“No, he didn’t throw me, but I was in the middle of talking and he just kissed me.”
“That’s kind of sweet. Kind of not.”
“Right? I mean, in the movies it looks hot, anyway. Strapping guy decides he’s going to get his kiss and he goes for it, so it’s amazing of course. But in real life—I don’t know—it was nice, but not what I expected.”
“What did you do?”
“I kissed him back. I enjoyed it, but then he started to get a little handsy. Hanna, am I too old for this? I mean, do people really go that fast these days?”
“Not all people, no. He shouldn’t be doing anything that you’re not comfortable with.”
“Honestly, I think he was just a little overeager. He listened when I asked him to stop and everything. It’s not like he was forceful. But he seems like he might want more from me than what I’m ready for. I’m not sure if I should see him again.”
“Trust your instincts. You know what’s best for you. Either way, I’m proud of you for taking this step—and for knowing what you want.”
I thanked her and hung up the phone. I knew she was right, but a nagging question stuck out in my mind.
What if I didn’t know what I wanted?
When I fell asleep that night, my thoughts were on Glenn and the way his kisses had made me feel.
What if I had said yes to the desire that had rushed through me in the moment?