I spent another night tossing and turning and coming up with no firm decision on what to do. Whatever this was between the two of us, it didn't seem like it was going to just go away, no matter how inconvenient it was. But I just couldn't figure out a plan of action that let me have everything I wanted. No matter which way I looked at it, I had to choose.

Functioning on only a few hours of fitful sleep, I rolled out of bed the next morning and got ready for the day, because life kept moving even if I didn't want to.

Not that the lack of sleep had me any less alert. I was too wired with the thought of seeing Sven again for it to bring me down in that regard. I didn't know if I could call that a silver lining though. More like an anxiety-induced equivalent of an energy bar.

As ready as I'd ever be, I stepped out of the building and onto the narrow street next to it, smiling as I saw Berenn, one of my neighbors. But instead of smiling back, he looked away and turned the corner that led to the front entrance of the building.

No response.

Huh.

That was odd. He always greeted me with a smile and a wave. Maybe he was having a bad day.

Shrugging it off, I turned the corner as well, heading in the opposite direction, towards the platform. I had a lot to get done today.

I wasn't the only one trying to get an early start. The platform had a good amount of people waiting for the gondola when I got there. Though not the crazy amount during the protest, thank goodness. I was pretty sure that I would think of that day whenever I saw a crowd now.

I stopped along the edge of the group, thinking through how to the structure the day, which was what I usually used this time for. I was focused internally, so it took me a moment to realize something was...off. I had that neck-prickling feeling of being watched, enough so that I finally paid attention to it.

I glanced up to see a group of women looking over at me. They abruptly looked away when I caught their gaze, their whispered conversation coming to a halt. When I looked away, it was to see others looking away too, as soon as I met their eyes.

What was going on?

Why was everyone looking at me?

I looked down at myself. I didn't have a stain on my pale pink tunic or my cream-colored pants, and I'd checked my face and hair before I left my apartment. What was everyone staring at? Or was I just being paranoid? Maybe the lack of sleep was affecting me more than I realized.

I didn't know which it was, but there was no denying the space that cleared around me when I got on the gondola. Or the looks I received from those stepping onto the conveyance at the other platforms.

Some of the looks were curious. Some were angry. Still others were almost smirks. Those made me the most uncomfortable. What was going on? I was at a complete loss. When the palace stop finally came, I stepped out onto the platform with a sigh of relief.

At least I didn't have to be trapped in that box any longer. But I couldn't escape the sense of being under a microscope as I walked into the palace. A few of the kitchen staff, recognizable by the emblems on their sleeves, looked at me surreptitiously as I passed. Then a couple of guards I didn't know very well gave me lingering looks.

Maybe I needed to go back to bed and start the day over.

Putting my head down, I headed over to the wing where my office was, intent on closing myself inside. I felt like burying my head in the sand and not coming up for a week.

"Adara!"

I looked up at the unexpected voice to find Arie hurrying over to me, a concerned expression on her face.

"Arie, what—"

"We need to talk," she interrupted, taking my arm as she looked up and down the empty hall. "Right now. If you don't have time, I suggest—strongly—that you make it."

"Okay," I agreed slowly. "Why don't we go to my office?"

She nodded, so I led her the rest of the way to it, closing the door behind us and gesturing for her to take a seat.

"What is it?" I asked as soon as we had some privacy.

"Are you having an affair with Sven?" she asked, her gaze and voice direct.

My mind went completely blank at the question.

"What?" I asked, a chill coursing through my body.

She shook her head, waving her hand dismissively.

"I do not care what you two do in your personal lives," she continued, apparently assuming that we were. I hadn't denied it, after all. "However, rumors of a budding romance between the two of you are running rampant. Which, again, wouldn't be a problem under normal circumstances." She leaned forward, her eyes sympathetic. "Except that you are the Internal Liaison to the Crown. As such, you have to project a certain professionalism. A distance, if you will. An affair is not ideal if you want to project such an image." She sighed, the exhaustion showing on her face. We were all dealing with a lot on our plates. "I wouldn't speak to you about this, but people are starting to say you've been compromised, that there is now a conflict of interest. That you don't care for the flocks. That you were just trying to get into the king's bed. Which is ridiculous, don't get me wrong. I know that isn't the case. Anyone who really knows you knows that. But I am already receiving complaints about keeping you on in this position."

I stared at her, hearing the words but not fully processing them. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

Arie nodded, as if she understood my silence. Standing up, she gave me a pitying look.

"This isn't an attack on you," she murmured. "I just thought you needed to know. And needed to factor this into any decisions you might make."

"Thank you, Arie," I said through numb lips. "I appreciate it."

And I was thankful. Better to know what was going on and deal with it. At least now I knew what all the looks were about.

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I'll let myself out," she said quietly.

I said something, though I didn't know what. I also didn't look up as I heard the door open and close behind her. I guess I wasn't being paranoid after all. I dropped my head into my hands, bracing my elbows on my desk. How could these rumors have been spread so fast?

I had a flashback to the two women passing by the audience chamber doors as I left yesterday. To Igna avoiding my eyes after I came out of the room. If I'd learned anything working at the palace, it was that gossip had wings when it was juicy enough.

How could I have done this?

How could I have risked everything?

I sat there, emotions rising and ebbing inside me as I tried to get a grip. I felt mortified, yes. It felt as though I'd been stripped naked and paraded through the streets for everyone to gawk at, to laugh at, and point at. Though even that didn't fully cover it.

But on the heels of that emotion came an even stronger one. One I fully embraced. Anger. No, rage. There was a certain comfort to be found in the fire of that feeling.

I was so tired of constantly trying to prove myself. And to have everything I'd worked so hard for questioned now because of this?

No.

I refused to let this shame me. There was no way I was resigning or apologizing.

I stood up after checking the time. The first meeting of the day was going to start soon. And I was not giving into the urge to sit this one out.

I had to face this. Brazen it out. Everyone would just have to deal for as long as I held this position. I felt a pang at that. Because however I dealt with this, the final decision as to whether or not I kept my position might not be up to me. But there was no point in worrying over what I couldn't control.

Propelled by the energy the burst of anger gave me, I strode down the hall, meeting eyes with a defiant confidence. I couldn't do anything about what anyone said or did. But I could control my own reactions. And I refused to be cowed. Refused to look down and play the meek victim of this.

Igna nodded at me when I got to the audience chamber, his expression one of sympathy. I simply nodded back and swept into the room. I didn't need sympathy or pity.

When I entered, I saw that Sven, Joash, and Blaise were already seated and ready to go. Good.

Blaise smirked at me knowingly. At least someone was getting a kick out of my demise.

Joash kept a carefully neutral expression on his face as he greeted me.

Sven smiled at me, his eyes holding the usual warmth.

I nodded coolly to all of them and sat down. Sven frowned at the lack of greeting, but didn't comment. We started the meeting.

"We can't start building in all the flock's territories at once. It isn't practical with the amount of manpower we have," Blaise said in exasperation. "That isn't a viable solution."

"We can't show favoritism," Joash countered. "We've already seen that's a hot-button issue. And it isn't what we stand for."

"What do you think, Adara?" Sven asked, rubbing at his mouth in thought. He tended to do that when he wasn't sure of something.

"You know how I feel," I said shortly. "We need to find a happy medium, so I propose we..."

I could see Sven was taken back by the shortness of my response, by the cold tone, but I couldn't bring myself to care, not in that meeting or the one after it. Maybe he didn't start the rumors, but I was too angry not to lump him into the problem.

"We'll send out more supplies when we make the run for Adara's flock. It'll cut down on travel time," Sven told one of the representatives who'd come in for a follow-up meeting.

Riya raised a brow at me. "That is acceptable. I am certain Adara's flock will be visited soon enough. It no doubt receives...special...treatment."

My eyes narrowed on the man's doughy, smug face. What would happen if I went over there and punched him in it? They wouldn't be able to stop me in time. Okay, maybe I was skirting too close to going off the rails completely.

"I don't appreciate what you seem to be implying," Sven said coldly into the strained silence that followed that remark.

The other representatives somehow managed to pull back from Riya without moving a muscle, and the man seemed to realize it after a moment. He looked around, alarm tinging his expression now.

"Well, my king, it is common knowledge that..." he trailed off at Sven's stone face.

My anger abruptly bottomed out. And I suddenly felt...empty. Exhausted. I didn't have it in me to sit through this anymore. Not right now.

I stood up without comment and walked towards the doors.

"Adara," Sven called out after me.

But I ignored him and stepped out into the hall. I was not going back in there right now, thanks. I deserved a break. But then I heard the door open behind me as I hurried away.

A longer stride closed the distance between us.

"Adara," Sven called in a low, tight voice, his hand coming out to grip my arm and pull me around to face him.

"What?" I snapped, glaring back at him. "What more could you want?"

His mouth tightened, his own eyes flaring with anger. Looking around, he tugged me into an empty room, shutting and locking the door behind us.

"What is going on with you?" he demanded, letting go of me when I yanked on my arm.

"Nothing," I said tightly. "I need to do a personal round among the flocks. You don't really need me in those meetings anyway, so I'm going to leave now."

Maybe not the best course of action considering the rumors, but I needed to leave, get away somehow for my own peace of mind.

"Now?" he asked, shaking his head. "I didn't take you as a coward, Adara."

Oh, really? I let out a harsh laugh. He'd picked the perfect fuel to stoke my anger, still simmering just under the surface.

"A coward?" I repeated. "Really?"

He frowned, looking a little uncertain at the change of my tone.

"It's just gossip, Adara," he said in a softer voice. "It'll die down soon enough when they have some other stupid news to chew on."

"Only gossip?" I repeated, taking a step towards him. "Only gossip?" I shook my head in disbelief. "That's easy to say when you're king, isn't it? You're above any repercussions."

"Do you honestly think that?" he demanded. "Everything I do is up for scrutiny. Everything!"

"Oh, poor you!" I said sarcastically. "Poor King of the Phoenixes, now known for seducing women as well! I'm sure it will tarnish your reputation permanently. However will you survive?"

"You can't outrun this, Adara," he countered, his jaw tight, ignoring my words.

Beyond frustrated, I shoved at his chest with both hands. If I'd been thinking straight, I never would have done it. Assaulting the king was a crime punishable by death. But I just didn't care.

He stepped back from the force of my push, but he didn't try to stop me, keeping his arms at his sides, his eyes on my face.

"You don't understand!" I shoved him again. "I'm not the king! I'm replaceable! And I'll have to deal with the fallout!" I pushed at him again, his face blurring in front of me as I tried to blink back tears. "I'm also not a man," I continued, gripping his shirt in my hands. "People vilify women for shit like this!"

"They're wrong," he retorted. "Fuck them."

"It doesn't matter if they're wrong," I argued, using my grip to shake him, though he barely moved. "I just..."

All of my emotions mixed together in an explosive combination. I felt like I was going to burst from the inside out, the pressure built up beyond a safe point. I felt the urge to scream. To cry. To rage at the world and everyone in it.

But I did something much more stupid than that.

I grabbed Sven by his hair.

And slammed my mouth onto his.