I didn't sleep that night.

When the sun rose, my eyes were still open, staring at the ceiling as it slowly got light enough for me to see. My mind was running over all of the things I could have done differently. Things I should have done differently.

I should have resolved everything else with Adara before we got physical.

I should have made sure that she was okay inside rather than just falling asleep.

I should have ordered her to stay.

Although that last would have likely fallen on deaf ears. I smiled slightly as I considered what her response would have been had I told her she needed to stay grounded here.

The smile slowly faded.

I wasn't getting any sleep anyway. Maybe it was time to get up. I had a lot to do. The never-ending load of work that I had inherited always waited for me.

There would be no more Adara to bounce ideas off of. No more acerbic tone of voice when she thought people were being idiots. Nobody to keep me in check in quite the way that she could.

I closed my eyes.

No more shared smiles during meetings.

No more surreptitiously staring at her pretty face, marveling at the diligence behind those stunning gray eyes. No more fantasizing about touching that golden skin, running my fingers through that shiny, flame red hair. No more flying by her side. No more looking forward to meetings simply because it meant I would able to spend more time with her.

But the cruel reality of life was that it didn't stop just because it had dealt you an unrecoverable blow. I'd learned that many times over the years. Expecting it didn't make it any easier.

I thought about what I had to do today and felt...apathetic. I did not want to see anybody. I didn't want to take part in the political machinations and constant power struggles I had to contend with just to keep things moving along in the right direction. I didn't want to present a brave face when I was ruined inside.

But today was just a drop in the bucket, wasn't it? I thought about all days stretching in front of me past this one. All of the meetings I would have to attend without her, all of the work I would have to do without her needed influence by my side.

The years seemingly lengthened in front of me, empty, lacking any kind of color. Maybe time would help. Though I didn't think it would heal. I'd never met anyone like Adara. Nobody who called to all parts of me like she did. Nobody I missed whenever she wasn't around. Nobody I respected and admired quite like her.

And the fact that she had died protecting me? Saving me? That was just like her, wasn't it? Selfless to the last breath. She made me want to be a better version of myself.

But now she left me broken. All I wanted to do was stay in bed, but that would be self-indulgent in a way I couldn't afford to be. I had responsibilities. No matter what happened, I had responsibilities that I needed to take care of.

I knew that Adara would have been the first one to kick my butt out of this bed and tell me to stop wallowing. To pick up the pieces and get to work. Focus on what needed to be done. Tell me that my position was more important than she was. She would have been wrong. On that, she would have been very wrong.

It was the thought of what she would have said about my responsibilities that finally pushed me up off that soft mattress. The thought of Adara, working tirelessly to improve the lives of everyone around her no matter what obstacle stood in her way. She was my example. The memory of her was my drive.

A joyless one right now, with the wound on my heart still fresh, but it was enough to at least get me out of bed. I turned to the other side of the bed and picked up the box containing her ashes.

That was when there was a tentative knock on my door. Frowning, I set the box back down.

Who would bother me this early?

I went to the door and found Igna there, an apologetic look on his face.

"I am sorry to disturb you, my king," he said, bowing deeply. "But there are some chieftains here to meet with you."

"No. Cancel the meeting," I said. I was already closing the door as I uttered the words.

"They have rounded up other conspirators, or at least those sympathetic with them."

I paused.

"Sympathizers or actual conspirators?" I asked. "Those are two very different categories.”

He paused, tilting his head in consideration.

"If I were to guess, I would say they were sympathizers," he admitted. "I believe we have the names of everyone involved in the actual coup attempt after going through all of the messages of those involved last night, tracking their movements in the days leading up to the feast."

I shook my head tiredly.

"I have no desire to root out every ounce of ill will towards me. Any whisper of political dissent. Those who are actively plotting to end my life need to pay simply for the instability they could cause. But I cannot destroy all of those who oppose me. That would make me no better than Emberich." I meant it too. I didn't want blind followers alone. That way lay a different shade of danger. "Tell the chieftains that I will hear their concerns, but at a later date. If there are people that genuinely concern them, they are free to hold them until that point, or send them to us to hold and question."

But I thought from the feel of the attempt that this was no far-reaching conspiracy. It felt more like one born of desperation. But even sympathetic motives were not enough to excuse an assassination attempt.

Igna nodded.

"Of course."

After he turned down the hallway, I left the door open. I had something more important to do today before I entered any meetings.

But then somebody else arrived at my door. When I turned at the shadow blocking the light, I saw Blaise.

"My king, I apologize for intruding," he started, though he didn't look very contrite at the interruption.

"What is it, Blaise?" I asked, as I picked up the box again and turned towards him.

His eyes went down to my hands and looked away quickly when he saw what I was holding, uncomfortable.

"Uh, Adara's flock would like her remains," he said, obviously not thrilled at having to deliver that news.

"I know she has no living immediate family," I stated. "Tell them that I intend to have a full ceremony in the customary time period, but I will have her final rest be here, awarding her the full honors she is due."

Perhaps that was selfish, but I was willing to be selfish about this.

"Is that wise?" Blaise asked, looking unsure.

"If they have issue with it, I am willing to meet with them," I conceded, though I was quite certain they would not. It was a high honor to be kept so near the palace.

"I shall convey the message," he agreed, but he didn't leave.

"Is there something else you wish to speak to me about?" I asked, my patience wearing thin. I kept myself in check. This wasn't his fault.

"Yes." He drew himself up to his full height. "I...I understand that it this is very soon after you suffered a loss," he said carefully. "But Adara's position of liaison needs to be filled quickly. We cannot afford to slow down, not when we have so much work still to do."

Ah.

This was the main reason that he was here. Not that Adara's flock didn't request her remains, but that was not an urgent matter.

"And you would like to fill it," I finished for him, meeting his eyes steadily.

He flushed, looking away.

"I had considered it," he admitted. "I believe I am qualified, though perhaps not as qualified as Adara—"

"You do not have to act as though you liked Adara now," I interrupted impatiently, tired of the games. "The job is yours in the interim. We will discuss matters in more detail after...after."

Blaise nodded, appearing both please and unsure, likely because I said we would need to discuss it further, but that was all I was willing to give.

"Thank you, my king."

Then he hurried away, now that he had what he wanted. It wasn't that I that I didn't know the position would have to be filled. I knew that.

But...it felt like admitting Adara was well and truly gone. It hurt. And I knew it was only the first one of many little things that were bound to feel the same.

On top of that, I frankly didn't think Blaise was all that suited to the job, no matter how much he wanted the cachet that came with it. He had many strengths, but dealing with people was definitely not one of them. And the Internal Liaison to the Crown needed to be someone who was compassionate, good with people, and also fair and intelligent.

Adara...had been perfect.

I shook my head, walking down the hall now that my doorway was clear.

When I reached the public section of the palace, people murmured greetings to me, but most did not look directly in my eyes. As if afraid my emotions might be catching. Or perhaps they were just afraid to suffer my wrath because I was so obviously not in the mood for any bullshit. My performance last night might also have had something to do with it.

For whatever reason, I did not have to deal with anybody on my way out of the palace, which I really appreciated.

Unfortunately, that didn't last.

The chieftains who were being ushered away without getting a chance to meet with me were just on their way out, directly in front of the palace.

"King Sven!" Ray called out, walking over to me. "We are glad to see you whole and healthy after that terrible attack." It felt like a carefully formulated, manicured statement. It didn't mean it wasn't true, but it did lack that genuine feeling unrehearsed words had. "We were all also very sorry to hear of Adara's passing," he continued, his eyes wandering down to the box in my hands.

He froze.

"Yes, these are her ashes," I said helpfully. Maybe it would be enough to get him to leave. "Is there something I can help you with?" I asked politely.

"I..." He trailed off, looking back at the rest of his group with an almost desperate glance. "That is, I...the...we will speak in our next meeting," he finally fumbled out, stepping back.

I nodded.

"I look forward to it," I agreed solemnly.

And kept moving.

I was headed for the cemetery just behind the palace, on the side of the mountain that we had not built on as of yet. It was situated at the top of a flat summit, where previous kings and other people of note were laid to rest. As far as I was concerned, Adara was the most important person here. And I wanted her close to me. Even if we would open the box in a week and perform the Passing Ceremony, allow her ashes to drift as they would under the bright light of day.

We were of the sun and wind. It only made sense to return to them at the end of our physical bodies.

I walked over to an empty spot with a wonderful view and carefully set the clear box down on top of a flat stone, where she could soak in the sun even in death.

"I still have to get the commemorative plaque made," I murmured apologetically.

I set a hand down on top of the lid and looked out at the view of the desert, stretching out in an endless, sandy wave in front of us. It was stark and gorgeous.

And Adara would never see it ever again. My hand clenched on the box as I felt the knot form in my throat.

"I will miss you," I murmured, hoping she could hear me somewhere. "Who is going to drive me crazy now?" I asked. "How am I going to deal with those idiots who think they can pull the wool over my eyes? Who am I going to fly with?" My smile drifted away. "How am I going get through today? And through every day after that without you here?" I continued hoarsely.

The only answer was the brush of the strong breeze that lived up here. The only thing that did.

"I love you."

The words weren't enough to completely convey how I felt. How damaged she'd left my heart because she wasn't here.

Something wet fell down on the back of my hand.

I frowned at it.

Another drop joined it.

And then another.

And I realized I was crying. I stayed there for hours. Until the ache in my body finally had me rising.

"I will be back tomorrow," I murmured, smoothing my hand down the side of the box.

I knew this wasn't her, not really, but it was all I had left. Still, I didn't back away immediately. Somehow, leaving her out here...it felt like another admission of the truth. That she had died. That it was over. Well and truly finished. I still wasn't quite ready for that.

So I stood there a while longer, ignoring the fact that I had left my bed to take care of kingly responsibilities.

I stared out at the view that she couldn't see. And mourned. Mourned with everything that I was.

This...Adara...succeeded in breaking me where everything else in my life hadn't.

I would never be who I was again.

That man was gone with the woman whose ashes I watched over.