I woke up to a snug arm around my middle and the warmth of a solid body behind my back. I didn't know exactly how much time had passed, but it didn't feel like it had been that long. I turned my head carefully to take in Sven's sleeping face. It was more relaxed than I'd seen it in days. There wasn't really a lot of downtime for him these days. I was glad he got a moment to rest.

It also gave me some time to outright stare at him without worrying about him catching me at it. Not that I thought he'd mind at this point.

The thought brought a slight smile to my face as I took in the hard line of his jaw, the thick fan of his lashes resting against his cheeks, the strong, straight length of his nose. His hair was covering one side of his face as he slept. All in all, he looked much more carefree than I knew him to be.

Moving slowly, I raised a hand to smooth the hair back off his face as I considered his profile. I waited to feel something negative as I looked at him. Now that I had a moment to consider the aftermath of what I'd done. But I just couldn't regret my decision. It felt too right. Like Sven said, I was tired of worrying about what everybody else thought, what judgment they were going to bludgeon me with. Letting that concern go, even for that brief period of time, made me feel free in a way hadn't since I'd first taken this job. It let me have a taste of what it would have been like had we both just been normal people, without other responsibilities and obligations that might tear us in opposite directions.

I smoothed a hand over the muscled curve of his shoulder, my mind turning to reality. The sad truth was, we didn't live in a vacuum. Other people's perceptions could have an impact. As much as we wished they didn't.

I sighed, feeling tired all over again. I had a lot to consider, and I didn't think I could do that with Sven by my side. I needed to know that my I was making my decisions with a clear head, not one clouded by anything—or anyone—else.

But I couldn't bring myself to get up right away, not when I wasn't sure what the future held for us. So I indulged myself. I took a few minutes just to lie there and memorize Sven's face. Memorize the way he looked in that moment, relaxed and seemingly without worry. I soaked in the feel of his body against mine. The way he held me even while he was asleep.

But I couldn't lie there forever, as much as I might have wanted to.

Taking a breath and holding it, I slowly slid out of his arms, careful not to jostle him too much or make too much noise. I set his arm carefully back onto the couch and quietly went over to my clothes, keeping an eye on him as I pulled them on. But he didn't budge. He was well and truly knocked out. I knew he'd been functioning on a sleep deficit. It looked like it had caught up with him.

Once I was fully dressed, I hesitated. It didn't feel right to leave without saying goodbye, to leave without waking him up and letting him know I was leaving. But I knew if he woke up, he would try to convince me to stay.

And he might succeed. But I knew I needed to leave.

I bit my lip as I took in his sleeping form, powerful even while he was unconscious.

Yes, I had told him I needed to go on a flock tour because I just wanted to get away from here, from the trappings of this life. However, a full tour was actually a very practical next step at the moment. I'd be able to check on everyone, not just the flocks that had garnered most of my attention in the past weeks because they needed the most help.

I would be able to kill two dragons with one flame. Though maybe that wasn't such a politically correct thing to say anymore. I shelved that thought.

The tour would also give me an opportunity to see how people reacted to me in places other than the capital as well.

No. I couldn't wake Sven before I left. He wouldn't understand.

Or, at least he wouldn't want me to leave even if he understood the reasoning behind my desire to leave. So I reached behind myself, opened the door, and stepped outside, being sure to close it carefully behind me, with the lock turned on the inside, making sure it was secured. Nobody needed to walk in on him in that state.

And I wanted him to be able to get as much rest as he could while he could. They would have him up and working in no time flat as soon as they found him.

It was just my luck that as I exited the room and closed the door behind me, a couple of guards walked past. Just who I wanted to see. People. And, oh look, my favorite kind—the judgmental kind.

The one closest to me looked me up and down and turned to give the other guard a knowing look, not even attempting to hide what he was doing. Looked like the guard had guessed what I'd just been doing, or was at least willing to assume it.

But I couldn't worry about that. I could only control what I myself did. I wasn't going to waste more energy worrying about what everybody else was doing. I felt my resolve strengthen at that decision. However, I really had to put that mindset to the test as I walked through the palace halls.

A visiting flock chieftain didn't give me a nod as she walked by, but I saw her give me a look from the corner of her eye as she passed me. A group of the kitchen staff saw me as they were huddled in the corner taking a break and I heard the tone of the conversation change as I neared, their lowered voices not hiding the fact that they must have been talking about me. Not a comfortable realization.

I walked past, keeping my head held high. It was just talk. I wouldn't give it more power than it deserved. I held onto that as I went straight home first, ignoring the looks and the whispers.

I packed my things quickly. I always had a bag packed with the essentials on hand, so I just added a few more things to that base. And then I was off to my first destination. Azar's flock.

I tried to turn my mind off as I flew there, trying to find my center as I usually did in these pockets of time when I couldn't do anything. But that remained elusive. Still, I did feel slightly less claustrophobic the farther I flew. Even if I immediately felt the tug to go back to Sven. Clarity wasn't going to be found on this leg of my journey.

Azar's guards spotted me as I neared and recognized me, only one of them breaking off to land with me in the clearing I usually set down on. Someone must have alerted Azar as well because she was there shortly after, smiling at me in her reserved manner.

"Adara! What brings you here?" she asked. She didn't seem nervous. Always a good sign.

"I'm doing a circuit among the flocks just to keep a handle on everything," I explained with a slight smile. "I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience?"

She nodded her head, her chic blonde bob shining in the sunlight.

"Of course not," she murmured. "Feel free to go wherever you would like and ask any questions you may have. I understand oversight is a good idea."

"Thank you," I murmured. "Maybe we can start with general morale?" I asked.

She was little surprised at that, but then nodded.

"I have been having some issues on that front," she admitted. "It's no wonder, of course..."

We launched into a conversation about the general mental health of her flock. As she gave me her own impressions and insights, we walked around and she pointed out more concrete, visible issues as well. If she'd heard any of the rumors about Sven and me, she didn't let on. Azar had always been a cool one, keeping her own council for the most part.

But the same couldn't be said of the rest of her flock. I saw the looks I got as we strolled. The whispers behind hands. I was always the subject of talk in any flock when I arrived, but this had a different tone to it. And it didn't take me three guesses to pinpoint why. Azar saw me looking at one such group and gave them a sharp look. They immediately quieted, moving away.

She didn't say anything about the incident for a few steps. Most likely making sure that group had enough time to get some distance from us.

"Don't let them get under your skin," she finally said in a low voice that wouldn't carry. "If there's anything I've learned being chieftain of this flock, it's that people are going to talk shit," she murmured. "You just have to be strong enough to let it die out. Remember that it's the weakest who like to talk the most." She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. "Don't let them diminish you."

"I appreciate your advice," I responded.

She nodded once and moved on to another subject. I meant it.

I would add her words to my own internal monologue as I tried to slog through this. It was the best I could do. And it was more difficult than I had hoped after my initial burst of energy upon leaving the palace.

But that was to be expected, and I managed to push through it to get what I needed to get done.

When I finally went to bed that night after a long and productive day, I finally checked my personal messages. I knew why I'd been avoiding them, and the reason was right at the top.

There were three from Sven. All of them telling me to call him back. I looked at the relatively few words, marveling at how much could be packed into so little. There wasn't anything beyond the demand to call him back, but I could feel the emotion behind it. I played with crafting messages back to him, but finally just closed my email.

I didn't know what to say yet. I couldn't go back yet either. I was still in a murky limbo state over what I actually wanted, and I knew hearing his voice would sway me when perhaps it shouldn't.

The sleep I had that night was fitful, and that became the norm as I continued on with my tour. I didn't stay at Azar's flock for long. I didn't stay long at any one flock, not with so many to get through. It was a little disheartening to find the same gossip about me at each flock I visited, though it wasn't surprising. Because I was prepared, I was more able to brush it off, not let it weigh me down.

I found ways to make improvements, made notes of tweaks I needed to make to my own methods of dealing with each flock. I did a comprehensive and efficient tour of each. Basically, I kept doing my job. If everyone who saw me working still couldn't see that my priority was the good of the phoenixes, the good of each flock, I couldn't do anything about that. I knew where my heart was even if they didn't.

The whole time, I continued to ignore Sven's messages. As I lay in another temporary bed in another tent, I stared at the latest one from him, feeling my heart aching. He could have come after me, found out where I was and chased me down. But he was allowing me the space I'd asked for with my actions, something I really appreciated. I sighed as I stared at his name.

I thought I would have more time to consider what I wanted, but packing my days so full meant I had less time for introspection. And maybe I was avoiding it a bit as well, if I was honest with myself. Which was stupid. I couldn't avoid Sven or the situation forever. Not only wasn't it practical, it wasn't fair to him.

I stared at the reply button for a good minute, but still ended up closing my phone and not pushing it.

I needed just a little bit more time.