It’s half past ten when Ashley, Alyssa, and I finally make it to Shawna’s.

“Damn.” Alyssa smooths down her silky black hair. “Guess the party started without us, huh?” she smiles.

I nod, my gaze sliding across the room to take inventory of who is and isn’t here. “Sure did.” My shoulders drop an inch.

“Come on guys, let’s grab a drink.” Ashley links her arms through ours and pulls us toward the kitchen.

We’re about to round the corner when I hear Liv’s hushed voice. Grinning, I pull both girls to a stop, covering my mouth with my finger, signaling for them to stay quiet.

They nod, Alyssa’s eyes suddenly gleaming for gossip, and we lean in a little closer, trying to hear her better.

“Seriously, I don’t get it,” Olivia whines. “It’s been over a month since Lolli took off. Why is he still denying that he wants to hook up with me?”

“Come on, Liv,” someone says. “He’s probably still hurt. I think he really was in love with her.”

Alyssa pulls on my arm, so I look at her and she jerks her chin forward, signaling for me to enter, but I shake my head no.

Not yet.

“Please,” Liv scoffs. “He didn’t love her. And he shouldn’t be sulking around. I showed him all the pictures.”

Alyssa head pulls back and she mouths ‘pictures’ to me.

I shrug, my own brows dropping low, having no clue what she’s talking about.

“I still think he cared for her.”

“You weren’t there, Shawna. You should have seen his face when I showed him the photos of her and Jarrod in Mexico.”

On my right, Ashley stiffens.

A cynical laugh leaves Liv. “He totally freaked, seeing Jarrod’s lips on his precious Kalani. Not to mention, he was opening the door to her hotel room while his mouth was on her skin.”

Before I can stop her, Ashley flies forward, shoving the swinging door open and rushing into the kitchen.

Alyssa and I look at each other, shocked, then rush in behind her.

“What did you just say?” Ashley’s voice is different. I can’t tell if she’s about to flip her shit, or cry.

Neither reaction makes any sense to me.

Olivia straightens and Shawna dips away from us, squeezing her way through the door we just came through.

“What are you talking about?” Liv pops her hip out, trying to look careless.

“You said you have pictures of Jarrod and Lolli, from Mexico,” Ashley questions her. “What do you mean? Pictures of what, exactly?”

Olivia relaxes a bit, which puts me on edge. “Oh, yeah. I guess Nate hasn’t announced what happened between them. Embarrassed or whatever. He, or I, caught Lolli cheating on him with Jarrod that second night.”

“Bullshit,” Ashley whispers, her gaze dropping to her feet. “She…I didn’t listen…I…”

When my gaze shifts to her, I see tears in her eyes.

“Wait.” Alyssa’s palms fly up. “What’s going on, Ash? Why are you upset?”

She clears her throat. “I, uh…I’m not. I’ll find you guys in a bit.”

“Ash!” Alyssa tries to go after her, but Ashley is already gone.

I turn back to Olivia, narrowing my eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“What, did she not tell you?” Liv cocks her head to the side, a sinister smile on her pursed lips. “Guess you weren’t as close as you thought.” She shrugs and saunters past us.

“What the hell is going on?” Alyssa asks, looking around with wide eyes.

“I have no idea.”

“What does Lolli say?”

Before I can answer, my eyes find Ashley hidden in the corner.

Alyssa follows my line of sight. “What the fuck?”

Ashley is in the corner, tears running down her face, with Jarrod.

Panic fills his eyes and he glances around the room, his hands shooting out to attempt to calm her, but she hastily shoves him away.

It’s obvious he’s trying to soothe her, to get her to quiet down and step outside with him. But she’s not having it and soon, they have everyone’s attention.

“It was your fault, wasn’t it?” she screams, fresh tears spilling over her cheeks. “Tell me she was wrong! That you didn’t do this!”

Jarrod tries to calm her once more, stepping forward to whisper in her ear, but she shoves him again.

“Tell me, Jarrod! I deserve at least that much,” she wails.

Nate steps up beside me.

“What’s going on?” he slurs, peering around the rest of the nosy onlookers, trying to understand the sight before us.

“No idea.” I shrug, not looking at him. “She overheard Liv say,” I hesitate for a moment. “Say that, uh, Lolli and Jarrod slept together, and she freaked out.”

Nate tenses beside me, then takes a step closer to the scene.

“Come outside with me, Ash.” Jarrod steps closer to her, his face pinched. “Let me explain.”

“Explain!” she sobs. “So, there is something to explain? I defended you when she said-” Her hand flies to her mouth. “Jesus Christ… I’m gonna be sick.”

Nate scoffs next to me, then storms away.

I glance back at Ashley, then head in the direction Nate took off. Finding him on the front porch, I drop into the chair beside him.

He’s quiet for a few minutes before he speaks. “Did you know?”

I look at him and he asks again.

“Tonight was the first I’ve heard.” My heart hurts thinking about it. About all of it. I honestly had no idea. “She seemed to really care for you.”

It takes him a second, but he nods, looking out at the yard. “None of it was real, Mia,” he huffs. “She never really cared.”

My chest caves in at the possibilities of what a truth to that could, would, mean. “I’m sorry.” It’s a lame response, but it’s all I’ve got.

“I just can’t believe she would go that far just to secure her future like that.” His lip curls. “I mean, I get she has no family and all, other than you guys, but that was low, fucking with me like that.”

“Whoa, wait. What?”

He nods again. “Oh, yeah. There’s more. She said all she wanted from me was a title.” He shifts toward me. “A fucking title, Mia.”

“Nate…”

“She wanted to be one of those plastic, real housewives of fucking football or some shit.” He shrugs, pulling himself to the edge of his seat. “I don’t get it-”

“Nate-”

“She’s nothing like that! At least, I didn’t think she was.” He’s talking to himself now. “Sure, her finances would be secure, and I’m sure that would be a huge relief, considering her situation, but-”

“Nate!” I scream, jumping from my seat to stop his rant.

He looks up at me, coming back to the present.

I raise my brows and he nods, sitting back.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” My eyes stay wide.

“All she was with me for was my future, Mia.”

“Nate,” I kneel in front of him, physically needing all of this to be a misunderstanding, needing our eyes and hearts to have played a nasty trick on us. “Tell me exactly what happened.”

“She played me. Made me think she was opening up to the idea of us. I watched it all happen. Felt every moment of it.” He hits his chest. “I thought I was watching a girl heal, open up to the possibilities of what her life could be. What we could be.” He turns to me, his eyes low and lost, vacant. “I’d swear on my life I watched her fall in love with me, watched the haze in her eyes clear, and see me, feel me.” He tosses himself back in the seat. “She didn’t fall for me. She fell in love with what she thought she could gain from me.”

“Oh, my God.” I gape at him. “You have no idea, do you?”

His face hardens, his dark eyes narrowing.

“That day at my house, when Lolli fainted… You said she told you everything.” I shake my head. “I assumed you knew…”

“Mia,” he growls.

“I don’t know about all the other stuff,” I tell him, lifting from my seat. “The cheating or her feelings, but I can guarantee you…” I pause, letting him know how serious I am, “she wasn’t using you for money, or a damn title. She never wanted either.” I stomp down the porch steps, upset by the entire situation, but stop a few feet away, spin on my heels and throw at him, “Do yourself a favor. Stop getting drunk long enough to work a computer. Google her last name, Nate. You won’t get to the B before you shit your pants.” I take off down the driveway, done with this party, and knowing damn well I’m a total fucking hypocrite.

Graduation day is a day for emotions to run high. It can be the happiest day for some and the saddest for others. It’s a day where some take chances, others realize their regrets, and some just flat out get wasted and carry on like any other day in high school.

All I want to be is one or the other, but still, my mind hasn’t settled on the right reaction, hasn’t stopped to allow myself to process the events of the last few weeks. Why? Because I’m a weak bitch. Scared. Too afraid of the ‘what if’ to go after the ‘what the fuck’.

When I reach my locker, I toss my purse inside. As soon as I shut it, I see Nate approaching. We’ve done a good job avoiding each other since the party a few weeks ago.

“Hey.”

“I didn’t know,” he rushes out, sorrowful.

“I know.”

His eyes pinch, and he leans his shoulder against the lockers. “I’m so mad at her, Mia.”

“I know.”

“If she’d have told me who her family was, if I had known all that, maybe I would have had the sense to run after her that day. She just took off, and I was so mad, I didn’t really process what was happening in that moment, or how she felt. What she must have been thinking. All I could see when I opened that door was red, a million thoughts running through my head. I was such a dick. I knew I needed time to cool off. “ He sighs.

“I was gonna take off and get shit-faced and who knows what after that, but she showed up before I was ready to go, and…”

He shakes his head, his lost eyes roam the now thinning halls. “She’s okay, though…right? I mean, I know she doesn’t want me, but she’s good, not like when she got here?”

I drop against the locker, sharing my secret for the first time. “I haven’t talked to her,” I whisper. “Not since that day.”

When he doesn’t respond, I turn to look at him.

“What do you mean?” His brows pull in, his body tensing, noticeably so.

I squeeze my eyes shut. “I…left the room that morning, and never went back to check on her until it was an hour before we were to load the buses to leave, days later. She was gone. Found a note and her phone, so I knew she was gone gone. Guess I figured if she really truly didn’t care about you, then she’d suck it up and grace us with her presence when she felt like it, on her own time. The only way she knows.” I avert my eyes, ashamed. “I don’t know if she left right then, if she stayed, waiting…hoping someone would come to her. I… I don’t know.”

When his eyes widen, I hurriedly add, “My mom’s talked to her, Nate. She’s, well, she’s safe. I know that much.”

He nods, relaxing some, and an expression I can’t read passes over him.

“What?” I tilt my head curiously.

A sad smile twitches at the corner of his lips. “I’m just,” he sighs, almost sounding irritated with himself. “I shouldn’t care, but I’m glad she talked to your mom. That’s…” He groans, rolling his eyes. “That’s good.”

I nod, confused and unwanted tears clouding my vision. “You did that, you know?”

He shrugs, looking torn by the thought.

“No matter what happened between you guys, Nate, you helped her heal. Helped her realize that there was still more out there worth experiencing. I’m sure she’ll be a little lost for a while, but she’ll have a good life because of you.”

“Without me.” His dark eyes lock on mine and I see the crushed man inside them. He’s doing nothing to hide it, if he even can.

A somber smile is all I have to offer.

After a few seconds of silence, I whisper guiltily, “I haven’t read it. The note. I’m not sure I can, to be honest.”

He studies me for a moment and I let him, almost wishing someone could understand where I am in my head, but refusing to give it away. Being carefree isn’t as easy as Lolli made it seem.

He opens his mouth to speak, but Mrs. Evans makes an announcement over the loudspeaker, letting us know it’s time. With that, we walk out to graduate with our fellow classmates, our loved ones looking on, and I couldn’t give a damn about any of it.

I’m stuck in a place between my heart and my head, and I have no clue which way to go.