Jenny held back a gasp at his gently worded question. She’d had the dream again, twice in the same week, which hadn’t happened since Toby first died. What did it mean that she’d had it again now, right when she’d started something new with Alex?

And she’d obviously spoken in her sleep. What had she said? Did she want to know?

“He… He was my fiancé.”

“Oh.” Alex continued to stroke her hand, his touch sending electric currents up her arm and through her body. “It ended badly?”

“You could say that.” Tell him! Tell him what happened so it’s out there. I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to know. I want to enjoy being with him without my overwhelming tragedy standing between us.

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” She forced herself to look at his face. “Will you tell me what I said when I was sleeping?”

“I don’t want to upset you.”

“I want to know.”

“You said his name and asked him not to go.”

Jenny closed her eyes tight against the unreasonable blast of pain. That it still could hurt so badly after all this time…

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Okay.”

Jenny immediately felt guilty for holding back when he’d shared so much of his story with her. But she’d seen it happen before. The minute she told him how and when she lost Toby, he would look at her differently. It would color the way he talked to her, the way he touched her, the way he thought of her.

Alex put his arm around her and snuggled her into his chest.

She closed her eyes and breathed in the appealing scent of soap and deodorant, trying to relax even as her mind raced with questions about why she’d had the dream—twice—recently. What did it mean? Would it happen again? Would she finally get to relive the final moments she’d spent with Toby? Did she need the answers to those questions before she could move forward with Alex?

“I can almost hear you thinking,” he said, his lips curving into a smile against her forehead.

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Stop being so nice to me.”

“Why wouldn’t I be nice to you?”

“Because you’ve told me all about yourself, and I’ve shared very little of me with you.”

“You don’t need to apologize for that. I understand better than most people would.”

“It’s not fair, though.”

“I’m not keeping score. Are you?”

“No, but—”

He kissed her softly and gently. “No buts, no worries. We’re enjoying some time together. That doesn’t mean you have to tell me your deepest, darkest secrets.”

He’d said exactly what she needed to hear, and yet she still felt guilty for holding out on him. Maybe it was because she’d felt an honest, genuine connection to him that she hadn’t had with any of the other men she’d dated since Toby died. Her thoughts wandered to the first man she’d had sex with, years after she lost Toby, and how her overly emotional response had scared him off. That experience had taught her to be wary of how much she shared with potential partners.

Yes, she thought, it’s better if he doesn’t know. Then he won’t feel like he has to be extra careful with her. Besides, he had enough on his plate without being burdened with her stuff, too.

While she was comfortable with her decision, she knew she’d bought herself only a little bit of time. When people learned they were seeing each other—if it came to that—there’d be a risk of him hearing her story from someone else.

No matter what, she couldn’t let that happen.

---

The alarm on Alex’s phone went off when it was still dark outside. For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he was. Then he breathed in the scent of Jenny’s hair, which calmed and settled him. Amazing… How did she do that simply by sleeping close to him?

He moved carefully, hoping she would stay asleep for a while longer, but with their arms and legs curled around each other, he couldn’t help but wake her.

“Do you have to go?” she asked in that sleepy, sexy voice that got to him every time he heard it.

“Yeah. I lost all day yesterday, so I need to hit it hard today.”

“Drink lots of water.”

“Yes, ma’am. How do you feel?”

“Better.”

“Good.” He bent to kiss her. “Tonight, if I can get away, I want to take you on a date.”

“Oh…”

“Is that all right?”

“I…um, I thought you wanted to just…you know…have sex.”

“I want that, too.”

“I thought that was all you wanted.”

Alex wished it wasn’t still dark. He’d like to see her face for this conversation. “I’m not going to deny it started out that way. And I’m not going to deny I have my reservations about getting involved with anyone when my life is so unsettled. Despite all that, I like being with you.” He took her hand. “I like how I feel when I’m around you.”

She wrapped both her hands around his in a gesture that comforted him and reinforced his desire to spend more time with her. “How do you feel when you’re with me?” she asked, sounding a bit breathless.

“Calm. When I’m close to you like this, my mind stops racing for a little while, which is a very welcome relief.” He kissed her forehead and then her lips. “And then, other times, I feel anything but calm, but I like that, too. I like that a lot. So… Date? Yes?”

“Okay.”

“You aren’t convincing me it’s what you want.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to go out with you, but part of me enjoys the fact that no one knows about us. The minute we step foot in town together, people will know.”

“I don’t mind that if you don’t.”

“The thing I didn’t want to tell you last night… I’ll need to tell you about that before we go out, before someone else does.”

She sounded so sad and resigned that he almost regretted asking her to go out with him. Almost…

“Before we go anywhere, we’ll talk. You can tell me anything you think I need to know. Will that work?”

She released a soft but audible sigh. “Yes.”

“Whatever it is, I don’t want you to worry about telling me. Do you promise you won’t worry all day?”

“I promise I’ll try not to worry.”

“I suppose that’ll have to do. I’ll call you later.”

“Tell Paul I’ll check in with him at some point today to get started at the store.”

Alex sat on the edge of the bed and put on the boots he wore on the bike. “Don’t do that until you’re sure you feel better.”

“I feel much better. Good enough to work.” She raised herself up on one elbow. In the faint early morning light, he could make out her silhouette as she watched him get ready to go. “So when we go on this date of yours, do you think we could take the bike?”

He turned to face her. “Is that what you want?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You gotta wear jeans or long pants, and it’s awfully hot.”

“You don’t wear jeans when you’re on the bike.”

“That’s because I’m an idiot, but I don’t take chances with passengers.”

“So you have a lot of passengers?”

He cuffed her chin playfully. “Not one since I moved home.” Leaning over, propped on his hands, he kissed her one last time. “See you later.”

“Have a good day at the office.”

“Pray for rain.”

“I’m praying. Enough already with this heat. If it’s sucking the life out of me, I can’t imagine what it’s like for you working outside in it.”

“It sucks.” He kissed her again and then one more time, lingering with his lips barely touching hers. “Okay, this time I’m really going.”

“This time I’m really letting you.”

Even though her sweet kisses had him hard as a rock, he bounded down the spiral stairs with a smile on his face. How many hours until he could see her again?

---

For a long time after she heard his motorcycle start and drive away, Jenny lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. She’d told Alex she felt better, and physically she was less sore and achy than the day before. But emotionally… She felt battered by the reoccurrence of a dream that always had the power to crush her with the reminder of what she’d lost.

And that she’d said Toby’s name out loud while Alex was with her… God, what he must’ve thought. He’d been kind and understanding, but Jenny knew the time had come to tell him the truth about her past. It wasn’t fair to keep such a thing from him, especially when they had mutual friends who knew. If she didn’t want him to hear about it from someone else, she needed to find the courage to tell him herself.

It occurred to her that it hadn’t been all that difficult to divulge the details of her past with the other men she’d dated in the years since she lost Toby. This was different, she acknowledged. Alex was different. Their connection was more significant, which made it that much harder to tell him what he needed to hear.

It wasn’t like her past was some big awful secret. But she’d told the story often enough to know that it changed how people viewed her, and she sort of liked the way Alex looked at her now. Would he look at her the same way after he knew? Or would his gaze be tinged by that hint of sorrow others had directed her way once they knew the truth?

She hadn’t missed that since she moved away from home. She hadn’t missed the overwhelming care and concern of the well-meaning people who loved her. Her life was divided solidly in half—before the great tragedy and after. Those who’d known her before had been deeply affected by her loss, so much so that she found it painful at times to be around people she’d known all her life, including her parents and sisters.

That was why it was such a relief to be here on Gansett, where no one had known her before. While her close friends were aware of what she’d lost and had provided tremendous comfort, support and friendship, they didn’t look at her the way her family and friends at home did. They didn’t watch her vigilantly for the slightest sign of crisis or despair.

She didn’t want Alex watching her for those things. She wanted to move past the despair, and being with him made her feel hopeful again. Somehow she had to tell him the story and make it clear to him that as much as she missed Toby and would mourn his loss forever, she was ready to move on and to take a chance on something new. And that, right there, was a rather major development after having been stuck for a dozen years.

With the sun rising on the horizon, Jenny got up and walked to the bathroom on legs that were slightly less sore than the day before. She wasn’t ready to run a marathon or anything, but she didn’t feel like she’d been hit by a bus either. Her stomach growled, and the thought of coffee had her mouth watering—also good signs.

She showered, got dressed in another lightweight dress, had breakfast and two cups of coffee. And then she decided she needed to see Syd. Despite the rapid beat of her heart, Jenny moved slowly, washing her breakfast dishes before going upstairs to brush her teeth and make the bed. She came down the stairs, grabbed her purse and keys, went down one more level and out into the swampy heat.

Gripping the steering wheel, she drove to the gate and got out to unlock the lighthouse property for the day before continuing on toward Syd’s house. She obeyed the speed limit, even though she wanted to push the accelerator to the floor so she could get there faster. When she pulled into Syd’s driveway, she was relieved to see her friend’s Volvo parked in the driveway but Luke’s truck gone.

As much as she loved Sydney’s wonderful husband, she wanted some time alone with her friend. Jenny got out of the car, walked around the house to the door and knocked.

Buddy’s loud howl made Jenny smile. He sounded so fierce but was a total love.

“Hush, Buddy,” Sydney said as she pulled open the door. “Hey! Come in! Are you feeling better?”

Sydney’s cheerful welcome and her bright smile broke the fragile hold Jenny had on her composure. She didn’t cry, but it took everything she had to keep the tears at bay.

Syd grabbed her hand and tugged her to the sofa. “Oh my God, Jenny. What’s wrong?”

“I…I’ve met someone.”

“Wait, what? Who?”

“Alex Martinez.”

Sydney’s eyes widened with surprise and delight. “Do tell. And don’t leave out a single detail.”

“He came to cut the grass, and he woke me up with the mower, so I threw tomatoes at him.”

“You threw tomatoes at him. For real?”

“I was pretty mad. He interrupted the Toby dream with the mower.”

“Oh shit. Is that why you asked me the other day about whether I dream about Seth and the kids?”

Jenny nodded.

“So what happened when you threw the tomatoes at him?”

“I hit him in the back with one of them. Then we argued about the proper time to cut grass, and he promised he wouldn’t come that early again, so I let him finish. Did I mention I was wearing next to nothing when I stormed out of the lighthouse to throw tomatoes at him?”

Syd held two fingers to lips that curled into a smile.

“Anyway, I got dressed and was going out to open the gate for the day when I caught him taking a shower under the hose. He… Well, he’s quite hot.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“I’m only human, and it had been a while, so I couldn’t help but stare. The next thing I knew, he was standing right in front of me, dripping water all over me and staring at me with intense brown eyes.”

Sydney hung on her every word, hardly seeming to breathe while she waited for Jenny to continue.

“Then he kissed me.”

“He just swooped in?”

“He told me to say no if I didn’t want it. I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak, so I didn’t say no.”

“Damn straight you didn’t say no. What happened then?”

“It was a good kiss. I mean an A-plus, plus, plus kiss that went on and on and on until we were inside the lighthouse and I was pressed against a wall.”

“Holy shit.”

“Exactly. He came back later that night, and we went swimming. And stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“Stuff I haven’t done with anyone in twelve years.”

“Jenny…”

“I’ve had sex since Toby died. A couple of times. But I haven’t allowed some things that were just too…”

“Intimate?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“And you allowed that with Alex?”

“Allowed,” Jenny said with a laugh. “It was so out of control that it wasn’t really about allowing anything. It was happening before I caught up.”

Sydney fanned her face. “I need a drink—or a cigarette.”

“You don’t smoke,” Jenny said, laughing. The laughter helped to ease some of the tension she’d brought with her. Telling Sydney was helping, as she’d known it would.

“I wish I did. So what happened then?”

“He’s very good at certain things—so good I didn’t have a chance to dwell on the past or anything other than what was happening right in that moment.”

“That’s so great,” Sydney said with a sigh.

“It was great, and extremely overwhelming, too.”

“In a good way?”

“I think so. He’s very sexy.”

“Yes, he is, and so is his brother.”

“When we saw Alex at the Tiki, that’s when I heard about what’s been going on with his mom and met his brother and figured out his last name.”

“Wait, so you hadn’t even exchanged last names?”

“No,” Jenny said, her face burning with embarrassment. “I think we were both taking some comfort in the anonymity. He didn’t know my shit, and I didn’t know his. It was a relief, you know?”

“I can definitely understand that.”

“You know the look people give you, as if they’re watching you and waiting for you to crumble.”

“I know that look.”

“I hate that look. I liked being with someone who doesn’t know anything more about me than my first name and where I live. It was comforting in a way.”

“Sounds like it also took care of some inhibitions.”

“You could say that again. After the incident at the Tiki with Alex and his employee, I could tell he was really upset. I had to remind myself I was there with Linc, and I couldn’t go chasing after Alex in front of everyone I know. But I wanted to. I told Linc I wasn’t feeling well and asked him to take me home.”

“No wonder you said there was no connection with him when you were all kinds of connected to someone else.”

“I know! I felt so bad about that. I never should’ve gone out with Linc when this was happening with Alex. I’d only met him the day before, and you guys had gone to the trouble of fixing me up with Linc, so I didn’t want to cancel.”

“What did Linc say when he took you home?”

“That he’d had a good time and wanted to see me again.”

“Ouch.”

“I told him things were complicated at the moment, and it wasn’t the best time for me to be starting something. I’m a bad person.”

“Stop it,” Syd said. “You had the plans with Linc long before you threw tomatoes at Alex. How were you supposed to know that was going to happen?”

“True, but still… I probably should’ve canceled the date with Linc after I rolled around naked in the sand with Alex.”

Sydney fanned her face again. “This is so hot.”

“It got hotter when I decided to go after Alex and found him standing in my doorway. We were all over each other. We…you know…had sex. Lots and lots of sex, so much sex I couldn’t move yesterday. I think he might’ve sexed me into a fever.”

Sydney lost it laughing. “Girlfriend, if anyone deserves to be sexed into a fever, it’s you.”

“I haven’t told him about Toby,” Jenny said, getting to the heart of the matter. “Before this goes any further, I have to tell him. Especially since I had the dream again last night, and I said Toby’s name. Alex asked me who he was. I said he was my fiancé. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the rest.”

“Because you’re afraid of the look.”

“Yes! I like the way he treats me now—not like I’m fragile and breakable, but like I’m strong and sexy. I don’t want that to change, but I also don’t want him to hear about it from someone else.”

“That is a predicament.” Sydney got up and headed for the kitchen. “We need beverages.”

Jenny followed her and gratefully accepted the tall glass of icy lemonade that Sydney poured for her.

Sydney leaned against the counter, eyeing Jenny shrewdly. “You really like this guy?”

“I do. I feel a connection with him that I’ve only ever had with one other person. He’s told me it’s a terrible time for him to be starting something, that he has nothing to offer me, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting to be with him. And it hasn’t kept him from coming back to me either.”

“Then I think you tell him the story, but you also say what you don’t want. Put it right out there. Tell him it would hurt you if he treated you differently in the future because of what he knows about you.”

“You think that’ll work?”

“I think he’ll get it better than some guys would. He’s in the thick of it with his mother, and he probably enjoys the respite he finds with you as much as you do.”

“Why does my stomach ache every time I imagine telling him my story?”

“Because it still hurts to talk about it all these years later, and you haven’t had to tell the story in a long time.”

“I knew you’d understand.”

“Of course I do, honey. I’ve lived it. I know exactly what you’re going through, trying to move forward while continuing to honor the past. Neither of us asked for what happened to us, and the only choice we’ve had is to go on with our lives. That’s not always the easiest thing to do.”

“No, it isn’t. But for the first time since I lost Toby, I want to take a chance again. I’m worried that he won’t want the same thing, but I can’t deny the connection I feel with him—and not just physically. It’s more than that.”

“Does he feel it, too?”

“I think so.”

“Then you’ve got to have some faith in him, Jenny. Tell him the story, tell him what you want and don’t want from him, and try to enjoy yourself. You’ve waited a long time for this.”

“I’m also afraid that if I get all wrapped up in him and it doesn’t work out for whatever reason…” She shrugged.

“That would suck, but that’s always a risk where these things are concerned.”

“It’s more of a risk for me than it would be for most people.”

“That’s true, but the alternative is to remain alone for the rest of your life, and I don’t think you want that either.”

“I’m sick of being alone, and I like how I feel when he’s around. It’s exciting.”

Sydney put down her glass and crossed the kitchen to hug Jenny. “That’s the most wonderful thing I’ve heard in a very long time. I’ve been so hoping you’d find someone special.”

“Don’t jinx me,” Jenny said, returning the embrace. “It’s still very new.”

Sydney released her but kept her hands on Jenny’s shoulders. “But there’s a connection. That doesn’t happen every day.”

“No, it doesn’t.” She looked up at Sydney. “Do you ever worry about something happening to Luke and having to go through the whole nightmare again?”

“I worried about that every day when we were first together, especially after the accident at the marina when he was hurt. I was a wreck for weeks after that. I obsessed about what could’ve happened.”

“How did you get past that?”

“Luke got me past it. He told me I was worrying needlessly, that in all the years he’s worked at the marina, that was the first time he’d ever been seriously injured or seen anyone else seriously injured. He said his daily life isn’t particularly risky, and I replied that neither was Seth’s. Over time he’s helped me to see that what happened to Seth and the kids was a terrible tragedy, but I have no particular reason to worry that it’ll happen again.”

Jenny thought about what Syd had said and had to admit it made a lot of sense.

“It comes down to a choice, really,” Syd continued. “Do I miss out on the most wonderful second chance with Luke because I’m afraid to love and lose again? Or do I take the risk that everything might just be fine?”

“No regrets on choosing option B?”

“Not one. Luke has helped me to see that while Seth’s life is over, and my children’s lives are over, mine is not. You and I were both dealt a shitty hand, but we honor the people we lost by loving again. At least that’s what I believe.”

“That’s a lovely thing to believe. The last time I talked to Toby, after the plane hit the building and he knew what was going to happen… He told me he wanted me to be happy, that my happiness was the most important thing in the world to him. Imagine… He was aware that he was probably going to die, and all he was thinking about was me.”

“He knew what you most needed to hear, and he knew that when the time came to truly move forward, those words would mean everything to you.”

Jenny brushed at the tears that fell despite her desire to get through this without them. She’d cried more than enough over the last twelve years. You’d think she’d be all cried out by now.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’ll feel better after you tell Alex about Toby. It’s weighing you down at a time when you should be feeling happy at having found someone you want to be with. Tell him sooner rather than later so you can put the past where it belongs and start to enjoy the future.”

“That’s very good advice.”

“He works for himself, doesn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have his number?”

Jenny nodded. She’d programmed it into her phone after he called her last night.

“Text him and ask him where he’s working and whether he might be interested in a lunch delivery.”

“I can’t bother him in the middle of his workday.”

“Why not?”

Jenny couldn’t think of any good reason why not.

Sydney’s smug smile made her laugh. “Get your phone before you lose your nerve.”

Still not convinced this was a good idea, she retrieved the phone from her purse.

“Ready to take dictation?” Syd asked.

“Are you always this bossy?”

“Only when it serves a good purpose. Get the text ready.”

Jenny typed his name into the text screen. “It’s ready.”

“Ask him if he’s interested in a lunch delivery.”

Shaking her head, Jenny sighed. Any interest in a lunch delivery?

Her phone chimed almost immediately in response. I’m already starving so that sounds awesome. I’m working at the Chesterfield estate today. You know where that is?

I know where it is. Any special requests?

Surprise me.

Ok. See you soon.

Can’t wait.

Sydney was standing next to Jenny, reading the texts as they were sent and received. “I think I might be in love with this guy, too.”

“Hands off. You’ve got your own hot guy to love.”

“Yes, I do, and Alex is all yours.” She gave Jenny a tight one-armed hug. “I’m so happy this is happening for you.”

“Stop jinxing me.”

Sydney laughed. “Thanks for telling me about him.”

“Thanks for listening. I’ve been dying to tell someone for days now.”

“You should invite him to the shower on Saturday. We’re inviting the guys to pay them back for all the times they’ve crashed girls’ night out. We figured making them attend a sex-toy-and-lingerie party was the very least of what they deserve.”

“Oh my God, I love that! But I don’t know if I’m ready to expose Alex to a sex-toy party and our crowd at the same time.”

“It’ll be a good test,” Sydney said with a smirk.

“I’ll think about it.” She gave her friend a hug. “Thank you so much for listening.”

“Any time. You and I share an unfortunate bond, so I’m glad you came to me.”

“There was no one else I could’ve gone to. I knew you’d tell me exactly what to do.”

“Of course I want to hear every detail of how lunch goes.” Sydney walked her to the door. “It’ll be hard to tell him the story, but once you do, you’ll feel better. I promise.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I’m always right. Ask Luke.”

“I’ll do that,” Jenny said on her way out the door. “Next time I see him.” Sydney’s laughter followed her down the sidewalk. Bolstered by her friend’s support, Jenny drove into town and picked up sandwiches, drinks, chips, cookies and fruit at the grocery store. In deference to the heat, she also got him two bottles of water and a bag of ice to keep everything cold.

Giddy with excitement at the thought of seeing him, she set off for the Chesterfield estate, determined to tell him what he needed to know about her and then get back to enjoying what was happening between them.