CHAPTER SIXTEEN
AMBER
“This is a surprise. You don’t normally call me at this time. Is everything okay?” he asked.
I was out with Milo when I decided to call Channing at work one afternoon.
“Do you think you could sneak out early to hang out with Milo and me? The weather is unseasonably warm, and I was thinking of taking him to walk around the city a bit. I could use the extra hand.”
Of course, that was just an excuse. I’d missed Channing a lot this week and really just wanted to hang out with him. Milo really seemed to like him, so it was a win-win situation.
“What time were you thinking?” he asked.
“What time do you normally get off?”
“Get off? He snickered. “Saturdays.”
“Funny guy.” I rolled my eyes. “Can you leave work by five?”
“Yeah, that’s not too early. I can swing it.”
“Great. You can meet us at the New England Aquarium. I was going to take him there for about an hour before we meet you. You’ll just take the train to Aquarium Station instead of your usual stop.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you soon.”
***
Standing in front of the massive ocean tank, I looked over at Milo. He was leaning his hands against the glass as his eyes followed the path of the fish floating by. A bluish green hue was glowing over his skin.
Distant applause coming from a dolphin show in another part of the building could be heard while swarms of children on a field trip lined the area behind us.
My phone buzzed.
Channing: Decided to skip out earlier. I’m at the aquarium. Where are you guys?
Amber: Not far from the entrance over by the giant fish tank.
A large swordfish swam past in the giant tank.
I pointed, “Milo, look at the sword on that one.”
“I’ve heard that before,” Channing joked as he snuck up behind me. Chills ran down my spine as the heat of his body resonated at my back.
“Hey.” I smiled.
He rustled Milo’s hair. “Hey, man.” Milo proceeded to sniff attack Channing’s head, grabbing it with both hands.
Channing laughed. “Oh, yeah. Get a good whiff. That’s good.”
Milo then wrapped his arm around Channing and returned his attention to the fish. They stayed like that watching the fish pass by. It was so stinking adorable.
I looked over at Channing and saw that instead of looking at the fish, he had been looking at me. His eyes were glowing in the fluorescent light. They were almost an exact match to the adjacent aquamarine water.
He smiled, and I smiled back. It was one of several moments of silent mutual admiration like that we’d shared this week.
Then, he did something that he’d never done before: he broke the rules. Channing reached for my hand. With my fingers interlocked with his, the warmest feeling came over me. After everything we’d done, you’d think that simple gesture wouldn’t have affected me like it did. But there was something very intimate about it. And it shifted things for me. It shifted my expectations, and that was probably dangerous.
We’d had three hotel rendezvous thus far. The last time was the most intense. I’d let him do things to my body that Rory hadn’t even tried. With each meeting, I was growing more and more attached, not only in body but in mind. The hopeful thoughts in my head needed to go take a hike.
Why couldn’t he stay?
Why couldn’t we be more than fuck buddies?
Milo suddenly jerked his body back before running down the concourse. He’d apparently had enough of the giant fish tank. Channing and I both started running.
Once we caught up to him, the three of us exited the building. The aquarium was located down by the Seaport, so it was extremely chilly near the ocean. The faint smell of fish lingered in the air. I hadn’t dressed appropriately, so Channing bought me a pink hoodie that said Boston on it in navy lettering from one of the nearby vendors.
“Where do you want to go now?” Channing asked, his chestnut hair blowing in the wind.
“We should get dinner.”
“There’s this Italian place I heard about in the North End,” he said.
“Italian place in the North End? You don’t say.” Seeing as though the North End was the Italian section of Boston, I was totally joking.
“Yes, wiseass.” Channing was looking at me like he wanted to smack me hard on the ass. “It’s called Fantano’s. You heard of it?”
“No, but Milo loves Italian, and I’m down to try anything.”
He lowered his voice. “I know you are. I figured that out last weekend.”
I must have been blushing like an idiot as we began our evening stroll. It was a beautiful night, and since we weren’t all that far from the North End, we decided to walk all the way to the restaurant.
On the way, lights flashed from a field in the distance and that was when I saw it: a massive Ferris wheel. Then, other rides came into my line of sight. There was a carnival in town.
A carnival.
Oh, no.
Since when were there carnivals in the middle of the city and in the colder months?
Milo started walking faster, pulling me in the direction of the action. Once he had his mind set on something, it was hard to convince him otherwise.
Channing trailed behind us as we made our way toward the carnival lights, but I was totally freaking out.
When we got to the entrance, I immediately noticed how pale Channing looked.
This was not good.
“Go home, Channing. I’ll stay here with him.”
He shook his head. “I can’t leave you alone with him here. It’s too chaotic.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“No, I can’t leave. It’s too much for you. I’ll be alright.”
But it was clear he wasn’t. It was written all over his face.
My heart was breaking.
We let Milo lead the way. He mostly just wanted to wander through the crowd.
The sound of screaming children, faint music, and the occasional ringing of bells from the game booths all blended together as I tried to keep my focus on where Milo was leading me.
He pointed to the Ferris wheel, so I paid for a small strip of tickets and stood in line with him while Channing waited for us.
The five-minute ride was excruciating because all I wanted was to be on the ground with Channing.
After we exited the Ferris wheel, I said, “Milo, let’s go get something to eat, okay? We’re all done with the carnival. All done.”
By some miracle, he decided to listen to me. He let me lead him out of the fairgrounds to the exit.
Channing wouldn’t look at me as we walked down the street. I knew it was because he didn’t want me to see the sadness in his eyes.
When we got to the first intersection, he turned to me. “Will you be okay with him at dinner? I think I’m gonna head home after all, okay?”
I didn’t have to ask him why. “Absolutely.”
***
Illinois Sentinel
September 2, 2006
Investigators looking into a deadly accident at the Briar Park Fair last week say corrosion was the likely cause of damage to metal on the ride that broke, killing two and injuring several others. The Devil’s Whip thrill ride had been approved for use just hours before the deadly accident.
Fourteen-year old Lainey Lord and fifteen-year-old Brandy Minor were killed when the car they were riding in detached and hit another car before plummeting to the ground. Five others on board were injured.
All rides at the fair were closed following the accident.
The ride’s manufacturer, Oregon-based Kelton, Inc., has ordered all owners of similar rides to cease operations until the investigation into the Illinois accident is complete.
***
I couldn’t get back to him fast enough.
Letting Channing go home alone after the carnival hadn’t felt right, but I had to get Milo something to eat before getting him back. I ended up dropping him off earlier than usual.
Channing was sitting alone in the living room when I got home. The TV wasn’t even on. He was just sitting in the quiet with a drink in hand. His head was resting back on the couch.
Letting my bag fall lazily to the floor, I made my way over to him. Ignoring our self-imposed rules, I placed my head on his shoulder. I could feel his pulse racing through his neck.
We sat in silence until he finally spoke. “Somehow I’d managed to avoid carnivals all these years. I’ve driven by a few but never went in. I thought that maybe because so much time had passed that I would be alright, but I really wasn’t.”
“You’ve buried so much of it inside of you for so long. It’s hard to think about even without the trigger of being in that environment.”
The night of Lainey’s accident, Channing had driven her and her friend, Brandy, to the fairgrounds. I had been invited to go along but declined because it was my dad’s birthday, and we’d planned to take him out to dinner that night. I always felt guilty about that, because maybe if I were there, the course of the evening would have changed somehow. Maybe she wouldn’t have been on that ride at the time.
Channing stayed at the fairgrounds and was there when the accident took place. I never knew the extent of what he’d seen because he would never talk about it. But I always suspected he saw it happen.
Right now, he looked so pained. I wondered if he’d ever talked about that night in any detail with anyone or if he’d simply kept it inside all of these years. The few times I’d tried to get him to open up to me about it, he never would.
He finally spoke. “I was terrified every second you were on that Ferris wheel tonight. Crazy, huh?”
“No, it’s not.” I put my arm around him, not giving a fuck about the rules at that moment. “I know you’ve never wanted to talk about it. But maybe you should.”
His eyes shut tightly as he rested his head on my chest. “I can’t.”
A tear fell down my cheek. “Okay,” I whispered.
He looked up at me. “Was Milo okay the rest of the time you were out?”
“Yeah. It was uneventful. Have you even eaten?”
Shaking his head, he said. “I’m not hungry. I think I’m gonna just head to bed.” It wasn’t like Channing to not have an appetite.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” He leaned in, gently kissing me on the forehead before retreating to his room.
***
I couldn’t sleep that night, haunted by thoughts of Lainey and of Channing’s post-traumatic stress.
Around 2AM, the creak of my door startled me. Channing appeared in my doorway like a shirtless shadow.
Without seeking permission, he slipped into my bed and cradled my body in his.
Closing my eyes, I relished the feel of his warm skin against mine.
His voice came as a surprise. “I saw the whole thing happen, Amber. Everything.”
My heart clenched. I turned around to face him in the darkness and placed my hand on his cheek.
He went on, “I’m not sure why I’d been looking up at the time. I wasn’t even supposed to be there. I was supposed to just drop them off at the fairgrounds and leave. But then I ran into some people from school and ended up staying. I saw Lainey and Brandy get on the ride. For some reason, I just kept my eyes on it when it started moving.”
He paused and let out a long breath.
Running my fingers through his hair, I whispered, “It’s okay.” I could feel a teardrop fall from his eye onto my hand.
“When the car went airborne…at first, I didn’t know whether it was theirs. Everything happened so fast. The world just felt like it stopped. To be honest, I don’t remember a lot very clearly after that. I somehow made my way over to the ride, but people were pushing me back. I kept saying, ‘My sister’s on that ride. My sister.’” His voice trembled. “My sister.”
My tears were blinding me.
“Eventually, they started letting people off, and every time someone other than her would come out, my heart would stop. By the time I figured out that it was her car that fell from the sky, they’d cordoned off the area. They wouldn’t let me through. I was kicking and screaming, punching at people. I don’t remember much after that. Everything is a blur.” His breathing became more rapid as he recalled the rest. “Someone called my mother. Mom showed up. Then, someone drove us both to the morgue to identify Lainey. My mother was the one who had to do it. I didn’t go in. It was just…a nightmare.” It was barely audible when he said, “My sweet sister. She was my family. Everything.”
My heart was breaking. “I know. I felt that way about her, too. She was my very best friend. As an only child, I didn’t have a sister. She was the closest thing I had to one.”
“I can’t even explain what having you around back then meant to me, Amber. It was such a dark and surreal time, but you being there made it tolerable somehow. It felt less empty. Besides my mother, you were the one person who could relate to how I was feeling. And the thing is, I didn’t even have to explain myself to you, because you just knew. We both knew what we’d lost.”
“That’s true.” I sniffled.
Channing held me tightly. “I need to tell you something.”
My stomach dropped. “Something is going on back home, isn’t it?”
His body stiffened. “Yes. But what made you ask that?”
“I heard you on the phone one night. You were talking to someone, and it sounded serious. You were assuring the person that you’d be back soon. I didn’t pry, but I’ve really wanted to.”
He nodded in understanding. “That was my mother’s boyfriend. He’s been working overtime while I’m here.”
“Why?”
“Mom was diagnosed with dementia about six months ago.”
My heart sank. “Oh, my God.”
“Yeah…and it’s bad. The diagnosis has been a long time coming. We would notice she would forget little things here and there. She’d call me and forget that we’d just spoken, stuff like that. But it’s gotten progressively worse, and the truth is, I feel like my life is about to get a whole lot more complicated soon. I also don’t think her boyfriend, Fred, is going to be around much longer. It sounds really awful, but I wanted to get away for a bit while I could, while he’s still there to look after her. This opportunity came up and I took it.”
“So, wait a minute. You requested the contract job?”
“I had my choice of a few different off-site projects. I didn’t have to take them. Honestly, I picked Boston because you’re here.”
“Wow. I had no clue.”
“I wasn’t planning on admitting that to you, that I specifically chose Boston. But the truth is, absolutely nothing has played out here the way I planned. And it’s kind of scaring the shit out of me.” Channing nestled his head into the crook of my neck.
We didn’t have sex that night; we just held each other.
My eyes slowly closed as I fell asleep to the sound of his breathing with a plethora of thoughts swirling around in my head.