CHAPTER NINETEEN
RORY
Boris stocked his shelves ever so slowly while I sat with my feet kicked up on a chair. His hand trembled as he placed a can of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup inside the grainy wooden cabinet of his dated kitchen. With a porcelain sink, Formica countertops, and linoleum floors, Boris’s kitchen had a 1950’s vibe going on. I felt like I was in a time warp.
I’d go food shopping for my elderly neighbor once a week after work. He’d pay me back by pouring me the best glass of Cognac. And I’d get fucked-up. Best part of the week if you asked me.
“One of these nights, Rory, you’re gonna get drunk as a skunk and finally tell me what happened.”
I let out a single laugh. “I know not what you speak of, Boris.”
“Did she die?”
“Who?” I pretended to not know whom he was referring to.
“The pretty girl in the photo on your phone. The one with the smile that lights up her whole face. The one I’ve never seen around here because she’s either dead or long gone.”
I never had the heart to change the screensaver of Amber on my phone. It was my favorite picture of her. She’d been sitting in a pile of dried leaves and laughing. It literally made my heart hurt to look at it, but at the same time I just couldn’t get rid of it.
Although I’d never pointed out the photo to Boris specifically, he’d apparently noticed it.
I’d danced around opening up to the old man for a long time now. But tonight was different. Tonight was Amber’s and my anniversary. Well, what would have been our anniversary—the first one since the break-up. We always used to make a big deal about our anniversaries. This one was supposed to be epic, because I’d planned to propose to her tonight.
I just didn’t feel like I could hold it in anymore. I needed to tell someone what had happened. Boris was safe. Who the fuck was he gonna tell my story to? The mailman? Boris didn’t leave the freaking house.
Fuck it.
“Her name is Amber.” I could hardly believe those words had exited my mouth. Just saying her name was painful.
“Amber! Amber. I like it.” He lifted his glass. “Like the color of this here magic juice.”
“Damn straight. Amber…just like the Cognac.”
He sat down. “Tell me about her.”
Where to begin.
Where to begin.
“Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve loved her for as long as I’ve known her. But we were together for over nine years.”
“Nine years. Wow.”
“Yeah. And she loved me with every ounce of her soul.”
“Why did she leave?”
“She didn’t.”
“She died?”
“No. I broke up with her…broke her heart…shattered it.”
“You…broke up with her? Why would you do that?”
“Because I love her more than anything in the world.”
“I may need more alcohol because this isn’t making any sense, son.”
“Trust me, we definitely need more alcohol if I’m gonna tell you the rest of this.”
Boris poured me more Cognac. “Okay, so tell me why a guy who’s hopelessly in love with a girl breaks her heart. How does that happen?”
Drinking down the entire glass of liquor, I smacked it down on the table.
Closing my eyes tightly, I spit it out. “I was driving home from work one night, and a truck hit me head on. I’m really lucky to be alive.”
“You get amnesia or something?”
“No. But to be honest, that would have been easier.” My heart clenched. “A lot easier.”
“What happened?”
“In the weeks after the accident, I learned that…” I hadn’t realized how hard it was going to be to get this part out. Only my brother knew, and that was only because he’d threatened to kick my ass for hurting Amber. She’d become like a sister to him. I had to tell him so that he could understand my decision. He hadn’t even been speaking to me for a while before he found out the truth.
Boris encouraged me to continue on. “What is it, son?”
“My injuries were such that…” I hesitated. “Basically, I can’t have children.”
He stared off into space to process what I’d just told him. Then, he said, “What do you mean…like you have no balls?”
I broke out into laughter. “No, I have everything. And it’s all working just fine otherwise. But there was damage, and that means I don’t make sperm anymore.”
“You know that for sure?”
“I had my semen tested.”
“You never told her?”
“No. Amber wants kids someday—more than anything. But regardless, I knew she’d never leave me if she knew. So, I had to make a really tough decision. I thought it would be best for her if I broke up with her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Boris shook his head in disbelief. “You made a decision for her, that you assumed was the right one.”
“That’s right. I didn’t want her to resent me later in life if she couldn’t have a child of her own.”
“So, you pretended to what…not love her anymore?”
This was always the part that got me the most emotional. I could almost stand the thought of being without Amber as long as she knew I loved her. But, of course, I made her think I’d fallen out of love with her, because that was the only way she’d let me leave.
“I thought that time would somehow make it—not even easier—but tolerable. But it hasn’t. It took a while to get her to stop calling me. Do you know how hard it is to push someone away who you love more than life? I’ve created this façade to make her think I’ve moved on. And I think it’s finally worked. She stopped trying to change my mind.”
“And now you regret it?”
“I love her more than ever.” I didn’t wait for Boris to pour me more liquor this time. Grabbing the bottle, I helped myself and said, “Today would have been our anniversary, and it was also the day I was planning to ask her to marry me. I can’t help but think of her. I suspect she could have met someone by now. But I just don’t know because I can’t bear to try to find out. She unfriended me on Facebook, too, which was for the best.”
“What’s Facebook?”
Stopping mid-sip, I said, “You’re kidding, right?”
“No.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I definitely don’t have to worry about you spilling my business.”
“Let me ask you something. If you found out today that Amber only had days to live, would you go to her?”
“Of course, I would.”
“Days are all we have, Rory. That’s all life is…a bunch of days threaded together. All we can be guaranteed is today. No one knows what’s going to happen beyond today. We should never make decisions based on an assumed future, but rather on how we feel at this very moment. That’s the first thing. The second is, how the hell can you be so sure that she’d rather have a baby over you? Did you even give her a choice? You were the love of her life for nine years. You didn’t give her a say in the matter.” He leaned in. “Let me tell you something you may not know.”
“Alright…”
“My Ellie was barren. Stephanie is adopted. We were in our forties when we got her after years of trying.”
“No shit? I had no idea. She even looks like you.”
Boris had been married for fifty-seven years when his wife Ellie passed away. Since they had a daughter, I never imagined that Ellie couldn’t have kids.
He continued, “I knew about Ellie before I married her. Of course, I wanted to have our own kids, but if it were a matter of losing her or having a biological child, there was no contest. If she’d done to me what you did to Amber, in my mind, that would have been a tragedy. I have no regrets. I have a beautiful daughter.”
Maybe it was the alcohol, but suddenly I was doubting everything. Had I made a colossal mistake?
That night, I tossed and turned, obsessing over Boris’s advice. My life felt like it hadn’t progressed in the months since Amber and I had been apart. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I’d be.
Opening the top drawer to my bureau, I took out the one-and-a-half carat Tiffany diamond ring I’d purchased a month before the accident. I’d planned to propose to Amber tonight at the restaurant at the top of the Prudential building. It was going to be perfect. Our lives were going to be perfect. Then the accident happened, and that perfect dream was shattered.
When you love someone, you feel it in your soul, even when they’re not physically with you. Maybe it was also possible to feel the moment that you were losing them. If that were true, it was happening to me right now. I felt something strange inside of me tonight, a feeling of loss that I hadn’t really felt up until now. I mean, of course, I’d left her, but I hadn’t felt like I’d lost her until now. It was a feeling of looming finality that I needed to intercept now or never.
It was too late to call her. Amber typically didn’t stay up past eleven. It was well past midnight. Still, I didn’t feel like this could wait until tomorrow. I had to get my thoughts out now. So, I decided to text her.
What felt like a million words were at the tip of my tongue, but my finger wouldn’t move. It just hovered over the keypad.
Ultimately, what I needed to say couldn’t fully be communicated in a text.
I typed out a simple message.
Rory: I really need to see you.