CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
AMBER
I’d hung onto Rory’s text for two days before I finally responded. He wanted to meet me somewhere to talk, but I didn’t feel like I could handle it.
After everything…what could he possibly have to say?
I responded that I would think about a time and place, but that was only to delay what turned out to be inevitable. That lesson was learned the hard way as my doorbell rang one early evening after work.
Channing wasn’t home yet, and Christine was in her room watching television when I went to the door.
When I opened, Rory was standing there, and he’d brought our golden retriever, Bruiser. Before I acknowledged him, I bent down to let Bruiser lick my face. Tears started to fall from my eyes from the guilt I’d felt over having abandoned my dog. Seeing Bruiser hadn’t been an option without having to see Rory, too. So, it had been several months since I’d smelled his fur and experienced his unconditional love.
“Bruisey...I missed you so much. So much.”
Bruiser suddenly started to bark like crazy when he caught a glimpse of Kitty, who had planted herself high atop a shelf. Poor little thing was probably scared shitless at the sight of what may have been the first dog she’d ever seen.
I finally looked up at Rory. My heart hurt from just the sight of his face. It had been a really long time since I’d seen him, yet the wounds of his abandonment still felt fresh.
Rory looked good, like he’d been working out every day. Sporting a five o’clock shadow, he appeared more rugged than ever.
“Why are you here?”
“Well, you weren’t exactly responding to my request to see you, so…”
“That was intentional.”
“I know. I’m not blaming you.”
“What is it that you needed to say to me?”
“I have a lot to say. I just don’t know where to begin.” Moving past me without permission, he wiped his forehead. “Do you mind if I have a glass of water?”
Without waiting for me to answer, Rory made his way over to the kitchen and the water filter on the counter then poured himself a tall glass. As he gulped it down in a matter of seconds, I could definitely see that he was nervous.
Glancing down at his hand, I noticed a small tattoo of a little bean. “Bean” had always been his nickname for me. He started using it one day when we were in college and never stopped. He never had that tattoo when we were together; it must have been new.
“Did you get a bean tattoo?”
His eyes bore into mine. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to think of you every time I looked down at my hand.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I know. But it will. That’s why I’m here. To better explain.”
What’s going on?
Bruiser hadn’t left my side. I sat down to grab my bearings, and he immediately followed me. Scratching between the dog’s ears, I gave Rory my attention, even though I wasn’t sure if he deserved it, but not before taking a dig at him.
“How’s Jennifer Barney?”
“Jennifer Barney is a co-worker and a friend. There’s nothing going on with us.”
“You’ve moved onto someone else, then?”
“I haven’t been with anyone, Amber. Not one person since you.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. Wasn’t that the point of breaking up with me?”
“No. It was never the reason.”
“I’m confused.”
“I know.”
The sounds of footsteps approaching gave me pause.
Then came Channing’s voice. “Honey, I’m ho—”
Dead silence filled the air as Rory and Channing stared each other in the face. Bruiser barked once as if to interrupt the tension.
Channing was the first to speak. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Rory gritted his teeth. “Me? Where did you even come from?”
“I live here.” Channing’s tone reeked of satisfaction.
Rory’s eyes darted toward mine. “What?”
Feeling like I needed to flee, I forced out a response instead. “Channing’s working in Boston until the end of the month. He’s been staying with me.”
Rory placed his hand over his chest. He looked truly flabbergasted and extremely upset. The color drained out of his face. He didn’t have a right to feel that way, but the physical reaction he was having proved his shock was very real.
“How long have you been here?” Channing asked.
“Ten minutes.”
“Why did you come, Rory?”
“That’s not any of your business.”
“Amber is my business now.” Channing’s fists tightened, and he ground his jaw.
“Is that so?” Rory looked toward me. “Is something going on between you two?”
I honestly didn’t know how to answer that. Not only was it none of Rory’s business, but I truly didn’t know how to characterize what Channing and I even were. We hadn’t labeled our relationship. He gave me no guarantees about what was going to happen once he left. I chose to remain silent.
“To use your own words, that’s not any of your business,” Channing answered.
Just then, Christine entered the kitchen. Her eyes were groggy as if she’d just woken up from a nap. She squinted. “Rory Calhoun?”
“Mrs. Lord? What are you doing here?”
“I live here. At least, until the end of the month. Amber and Channing took me in. I sleep in Channing’s room. Channing sleeps with Amber.”
Bruiser barked again, and it echoed throughout the kitchen.
Rory’s face turned white as he clutched his chest then held onto his stomach as if he was going to throw up. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”
All eyes were on him. No one seemed to know what to say. This situation was as awkward as it got.
His lips trembled. “Amber, can we please go somewhere and talk?”
A part of me wanted to tell him to go straight to hell. But another part of me, the part that knew this man inside and out could see that he was truly hurting right now. Whether his feelings were justified or not, I felt like I at least needed to allow him to say what he came to say.
“I’ll grab my coat.”
Channing followed me as we left Rory standing in the kitchen with Christine and the dog.
“You want me to come with you?” Channing asked.
“No. I’ll be fine.”
“Where are you gonna go?”
“I don’t know. He’s acting really odd, and I know he may not deserve my sympathy, but it’s not in my nature to hide from confrontation, even if it might upset me. So, I’m going to hear him out.”
Channing looked disappointed, but he respected my wishes. “Text me if you need me.”
“I will.”
“Did you know he was coming here?”
“No. He surprised me.”
“You had no clue?”
“Well…I never mentioned this to you…but he’d texted me asking if he could see me. I never gave him an answer, so he just showed up tonight.”
He shook his head. “Unbelievable.” As I was about to leave the room, he stopped me. “Wait.”
“Yeah?”
He gripped my wrist and pulled me into his arms, planting a firm and possessive kiss on my lips. “I need to tell you something just in case you don’t know.”
“Alright.”
“Whether you realize it or not, he’s going to try to convince you to take him back tonight.”
“I don’t think so. He’s just—”
“He is, Amber. There is no doubt. But I can’t let you go listen to him without telling you that I’m falling in love with you. This whole thing between us…it was never just sex for me—as much as I might have tried to convince myself otherwise. That delusion ended the moment I was actually inside of you. Every single time we’ve had sex, I was making love to you.” A look of fear spread over his face. “I don’t know what shit he’s going to be feeding you tonight, but there is no way I could let you go with him without making my feelings crystal clear.” Cupping my cheeks, he said, “You don’t have to say anything. In fact, I don’t want you to. I’m not looking for a response. I just needed to get that out.”
The right words escaped me. I wasn’t expecting him to pour his soul out like that. “Okay,” I simply said.
Channing squeezed me tightly and lingered before letting me go. He walked close behind me as I returned to the kitchen.
Looking over at Rory, I said, “Okay. Let’s go.”
Rory didn’t make eye contact with Channing as he grabbed Bruiser by the leash and headed out of the kitchen toward the door. Channing, on the other hand, didn’t take his eyes off of Rory; he was watching his every move.
I looked back once at Channing who was standing with his hands in his pockets. The worry was plastered all over his face. If there was ever any doubt of his feelings toward me, it was diminished in that moment.
My heart was hurting as I followed Rory out of my building and down the sidewalk to where he was parked. It was freezing out, and light snowflakes were starting to fall.
Shivering, I asked, “Where are we going?”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t just kidnap me. You have to tell me where you’re taking me.”
“Alright, then…I’m taking you to my house.”
“That’s too far away.”
Rory let me into his car before opening up the back for Bruiser.
He walked around to the driver’s side and closed the door before saying, “I know you don’t think that I deserve this time with you. But just give me this one thing. I need to talk to you alone. And it’s either a hotel or my house. I won’t ask anything else of you.”
“You’re acting strange. I don’t understand any of this.”
His eyes searched mine. “You will.”
The ride to Rory’s house in the northern Boston suburb of Reading was quiet. Relishing the warmth of the heated seat beneath me, I spent the latter part of the time in his car trying to clear my mind by meditating on all of the Christmas lights that decorated the houses we passed. The smell of his leather-scented car freshener was familiar and oddly comforting.
We passed through the town center that was aligned with lit wreaths affixed to light poles.
After turning onto a side street, Rory pulled up to a two-story structure. The first thing I noticed was a lone Christmas candle in the window of the lower level.
“Are you on the first floor?”
“No, that’s Boris, my neighbor who’s in his eighties. I’m upstairs. We have to sneak in quietly so he doesn’t see you.”
“Why?”
“He’ll never leave you alone. He knows who you are.”
“How?”
He pulled out his phone to show me his screensaver. It was a picture of me.
Why did he still have that on his phone?
Once inside and upstairs, I took a look around. “This place is nice.”
Bruiser retreated to the corner of the room to play with his toy.
Rory’s place was cozy. He’d set up a small Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. A pellet stove was going, which made the space warm and toasty.
He walked over to the window and looked out, seeming to grab his bearings. I wandered around and couldn’t help noticing a framed photo of us sitting on his end table. This was the second photo of me I’d seen in two minutes.
Why did he still have photos of me?
His old Gibson guitar sat in the corner.
“Have you been playing guitar again?”
“Yeah. I’ve been trying to teach myself. It’s cathartic.”
“That’s nice.”
A long period of silence passed as he continued staring out the window.
He spoke with his back toward me. “How long have you and Channing been…” He wasn’t able to finish the sentence.
“Not long.”
“Do you care about him?”
There was no sense in lying. “I do. Very much.”
“Do you love him?”
Yes.
Do I admit that to him?
Closing my eyes, I spoke the truth. “Yes.”
That was the point he finally turned around to look at me, his eyes burning with pain.
Rory slowly approached before lifting his hand to my cheek and gently caressing it. “I’m fucking too late. Is that what you’re telling me?”
“What’s happening, Rory? Why are you acting like this?”
His voice was hoarse. “I lied to you.”
“What?”
“The reason I gave for breaking up with you…it was a lie.”
“You didn’t really want to see other people?”
“No.” He shook his head slowly and whispered, “No way.”
Utterly confused, I said, “Okay…what was the real reason?”
“It has to do with the accident.”
The accident.
It was one of the worst nights of my life, second only to the night Lainey died. I’ll never forget receiving the call that Rory was in the hospital after his truck was hit head on while he was driving home from work. Thankfully, he ended up being okay. But something definitely did change in him after that.
“What about the accident?”
“There’s something I never told you.”
A feeling of dread hit me. “What?”
He just stared at me for a while before finally spitting it out. “One of the worst injuries I sustained was to my groin area. The doctor had me undergo some tests as a result of the blunt trauma. He said I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but I felt that I needed to know…for your sake.”
“What kind of tests?”
“He tested my semen to see if my sperm production was affected. And basically the sample came up empty.” Rory looked down at his feet when he whispered, “I can’t have children.”
No.
Oh, my God.
No.
An indescribable sadness came over me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” My hands naturally fell to his, grasping them tightly.
“I guess…I didn’t want you to know, because I knew what you’d say and what you’d do. I knew you’d never leave me because of it. And I didn’t want to prevent you from having children of your own. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. Love makes you do crazy things. I’d convinced myself that I needed to let you go. So, I saw breaking up with you as the only solution.”
“What changed? Why tell me now?”
“Because I’m weaker than I thought I was. I thought I could live without you. But I’ve been so miserable.”
Suddenly, everything was finally starting to make sense. “It never felt real. Now, I know why.”
He squeezed my hands harder. “How could I leave you? You’re perfect for me.” His voice cracked. “You’re the love of my life, Amber. I love you so much.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening. It seemed like I could feel my heart breaking, a heart that no longer only belonged to Rory.
Rory suddenly walked away.
“Where are you going?”
“I want to show you something.”
He returned holding a Tiffany blue gift bag. His hand was shaking as he took out a small box and opened it, revealing the exact ring I’d always dreamt about—the heart-shaped design from Tiffany’s.
“I had planned to propose to you at the Top of the Hub on our anniversary. I’d been holding onto this when the accident happened. I never dreamt that I wouldn’t have the chance to give it to you.”
My eyes were clouded with tears as I looked down at the ring. I refused to touch it because I didn’t feel like it was my place to do so anymore. “How did you know about this ring?”
“The file you kept on our old desktop computer with the wedding stuff in it. I noticed you saved a lot of photos of this ring. I went to Tiffany’s and bought it.” His lips curved into a slight smile. “Anyway, I know it may not matter anymore, but I’m showing you this so you know how serious I was about us. I’ve had this weird feeling lately that I needed to catch you before I lost you forever. I sensed that something was happening, and now I know exactly what it was.” Rory shook his head in disbelief. “I’ll tell you one thing…I could never have imagined that you and Channing…” He couldn’t get the words out. “I want to fucking throw up.”
His devastation penetrated the depths of my soul. This felt like a nightmare.
I struggled to find the words. “I can only imagine how you feel. I honestly don’t even know what to say. As hard as it was to accept, I believed that you’d chosen to leave me because you didn’t want me. I had to work so hard to try to get over you. Now, I’m finding out that everything was a lie. And on top of that, I’m devastated for you, that you’re telling me you can never have children? My God, Rory. You’re right. I would have never left you because of that. Not in a million years. I’m so incredibly shocked right now, and I feel sick. You have no idea.”
“I think I do know how you feel, because I feel sick, too.”
My phone chimed. I knew it was Channing before I even looked down at it.
Channing: Just confirm for me that you’re okay.
I quickly typed out a response.
Amber: I’m okay. Talk soon.
I was far from okay. As I looked into the eyes of my first love, the man I thought I was going to marry, the man I thought I was going to have children with, I’d never been more confused in my life.
The truth was, I’d never fully fallen out of love with Rory, even when I thought he’d chosen to leave me. I still wasn’t able to shake him. A portion of my heart was still his. But he’d left a void. And Channing had filled it. I’d fallen so hard for him, and despite the truth I now realized about Rory, that couldn’t erase what had developed in my heart for Channing.
Now, it felt like my heart had fallen into a state of purgatory. And for the first time in my life, I understood that it was completely possible to be in love with two men at the same time.