Twenty-Two

Misha

“You are really dedicated to early morning surfing. I don’t know if I should be offended you even have the stamina or impressed.” Ethan flopped down on the bed, his big body taking up nearly all of it as I stepped from the small shower.

“Be impressed. It’s more masculine,” I told him, hiding a grin behind my wet hair. I really was too tired to hit the sea today but I also needed it today more than ever. Two days of bliss. Ethan and I spent the past two days holding hands as we walked along the beach, kissing everywhere and making love nonstop. It was a special kind of heaven that I knew would soon turn into my own personal hell. I should have turned him away or ignored him and stayed on the roof of my camper. I shouldn’t have touched his chest and felt how fast his heart beat under my fingertips, but I couldn’t resist him.

“Wow.”

I looked up from my underwear drawer and clenched my thighs tight. He was reclined on the bed with his head resting in his hands, legs spread from corner to corner and a wicked smile on his face. And his cock slowly growing longer and harder by the second. “What?” And all my desire was written all over my voice.

“That was a whole lot of thinking so early in the morning with me, here, happy to see you.” He patted the bed beside him and like the lovesick puppy I was, I went to him. “I am happy to see, you know. More than happy, ecstatic.”

I buried my face in his chest and inhaled his clean, masculine scent. I would never think of ocean and sandalwood the same again. “I’m happy to see you too, Ethan.”

“But?”

My whole body sank deeper into the mattress as though by the sheer force of my humiliation, I could melt into the damn thing. “But,” I asked without removing my face from his chest. It was cowardly and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t look at his face as he dismissed me a second time. “Just say it.” I should be grateful he hadn’t brought it up sooner, then again, why would he forfeit sex when he already knew the outcome?

“Say what?” The fan of his breath brushed against my shoulder and I squeezed my eyes tighter, savoring the feel of his hard body against mine.

“Whatever it is you flew all the way out here to tell me.” I told myself it wouldn’t hurt as much this time because I’d been expecting it. Not only that but I didn’t let my feelings interfere with my job. Much. Despite the lapse in professional judgment, it had all turned out—

“I love you.”

“What?” I shot up off his chest, eyes wide and heart racing. I probably looked like a crazy person and he was already regretting his words. “What did you say?”

He frowned, thick brows crinkled in confusion. “I said I love you, Misha.”

“Why did you say that?”

His lips twitched and I pointed a finger at him, making him quickly blank his features. “Because I love you.”

“Are you sure?” Who was I kidding, I wanted to believe it as much I wanted to keep believing in Santa Claus.

“Pretty sure, yeah.”

Pretty sure. I didn’t like the sound of that and told him as much. “Sounds to me like a man hedging his bets.”

His arms flexed as he pushed himself up against the headboard, tugging me along with him. “I regretted sending you away almost immediately but I was scared, I guess. We were getting close.”

“Too close.”

“Yeah,” he agreed with a sheepish smile. “And I felt like I relied on you too much. I couldn’t let that happen again.”

Which meant what, exactly? That he loved me but couldn’t be with me? “I understand.” Loving someone hurt. It required a kind of endurance that most people weren’t strong enough to handle. Once you’ve lost someone, or three in Ethan’s case, it grew harder and harder to open yourself up to it. “Thank you for telling me.” I tried to move away but he held me tighter, one hand around my shoulder and the other hand resting on my stomach.

“I don’t think I’m being very clear.” He didn’t sound pleased and I braved a look at him.

“No, but I understand.”

“What do you think you understand?”

I bristled at his tone but maybe it would be better for me if I said it aloud. Hearing me say it and having Ethan confirm it might help with healing. Maybe. Hopefully. “You love me but you don’t want to, so you don’t want me.”

He scoffed. “And people say you’re the smart one.”

I frowned and twisted to look up at him. “Hey!”

“I’m telling you that I am in love with you Misha, where does me not wanting to be with you come into that?”

His expression seemed affectionately annoyed and baffled, his blue eyes pleading with me to listen. To believe. I wanted to, more than anything I wanted to believe his words because they were my heart’s greatest wish. But how could I? The women Ethan dated were nothing like me and right now maybe that was part of my charm. But when that charm wore off, where would I be?

“Are you going to say anything? Answer me?”

His deep voice pulled me from my thoughts. “You do?” I could hear the shakiness in my own voice and the way his brows tensed with concern told me I sounded a little too desperate.

“Yes woman, I love you and I want to be with you! Why is that so hard to understand?”

I sighed. “I don’t know Ethan. Until this moment you’ve been so closed off to the idea of love and I can’t tell if—” My emotions were getting the best of me and I paused, took a few deep breaths and looked at him, so beautiful my heart ached at the thought of not having him in my life on a permanent basis.

“If, what?” He leaned forward, crowding me in his eagerness for an answer.

“I can’t tell if this is gratitude that everything turned out so well for you, or if this is genuine.” It wouldn’t be the first time a client had taken gratitude for love, but it was a first for me.

“Bullshit. You know me well enough to know that.”

“Okay, let’s say you’re right. Weeks ago, you didn’t need my services, didn’t need me . You said so yourself,” I reminded him and was met with a chagrined look. “Then your interview is over, it was a rousing success and all is right with your world and suddenly, now, you love me? Why wouldn’t I question it?”

“Hell, Misha I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean it. I needed some space and I went about it wrong. And you’re right, I did say all that and the timing does seem suspect. But you’re forgetting one important thing.”

“What’s that,” I asked, afraid to let my heart hope.

“Spending all those weeks without you. That’s when I started to realize that maybe I’d made a mistake. At first, I was miserable and I just sat out on the back deck staring into the ocean and trying not to think about you. Then I started going through the motions but I was still missing you and I picked up the phone to call you at least a hundred times.”

I smiled at the image of him dialing and hanging up before the call connected. “You didn’t call.” Not until the night before his big interview and he’d needed reassurance.

“I couldn’t. I had to prove to you and to myself that I wasn’t calling for your expertise. I had to get through Samantha Stevens without you, so you know. It was something I remembered Wallace said to me.”

Wallace? “My dad?”

Ethan nodded with a smile. “Over all that alcohol and conversation, he gave me some insight into you that I remembered too late. When I got that text from you right before my interview, I remembered.” He looked at me with soft blue eyes, his fingertips traced the line of my jaw before his thumb swiped across my bottom lip. “You gave me words of encouragement, that I needed at that moment. Just you, Misha. No one else. But it was that last part, the ‘I love you’ that really brought it all back home. You loved me but instead of staying and fighting with me, you left because you wanted me to get my company and my reputation back.”

“Of course I did, Ethan. You deserved it.”

His smile came quickly but it faded just as fast. “Maybe, but I realized in those moments before my interview, that I wanted you more. You are beautiful and crazy, you eat the unhealthiest food of any person I’ve ever known, you make me laugh. You understand me.” He held my face in his hands so I had no choice but to look at him. As if I could look away now. “You somehow get me to talk without realizing that I’m opening up, and the way you share memories, even painful ones, inspires me.”

“Ethan,” I began but I was too choked up to try to say anything.

He grinned. “Good, you’re starting to see the truth.” He pressed a quick kiss to the tip of my nose and his whole expression softened. “I did call you the night before the interview but not because you’re a magical sorceress with head cases like me. It was because yours was the only voice that could calm me enough to think. Because your voice is the one in my head. It’s my conscience.”

Ah, hell. “Ethan, stop.”

He frowned. “Why?”

“Why?” He nodded, looking worried and more than a little upset. “Because it’s my turn to talk.”

“Okay,” he nodded, resigned that he couldn’t handle my part of the conversation. “But just tell me one thing. Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

I nodded. “Yes Ethan, I love you. I am in love with you.”

The grin that split his face was so beautiful with laugh lines that gave his handsome features more depth. More ruggedness. “That’s good to know.”

“I figured it out, I’m guessing, around the same time you did. Before Wake Up, America. ” His skin turned pink at my reminder. “But I wasn’t there for me or my feelings and when it became clear you didn’t feel the same way, I knew I did the right thing in keeping it to myself.”

“And now?”

My smiled spread wide from cheek to cheek. “Well now that you’re saying you love me, and I love you, we should figure out what comes next. Don’t you think?” I held my breath and waited for his answer.

“There’s nothing to figure out, Misha. You’re mine and I am yours. Forever. Any questions?”

I nodded, a saucy grin forming on my face. “Just one. Can we have makeup sex?”

He nodded and gathered me close. “God, I love you Misha.”

I pushed at his chest until he was flat on his back and straddled his waist. “I love you too, Mr. Mahoney.”

“I’ll never get tired of hearing that,” he groaned.

Yeah, me either.