I pulled into the driveway of the brick mansion that held most of my childhood memories. It looked cold, big, and empty, and it was way too much space for one person. Sometimes I wondered why my mother insisted on hanging onto it considering it wasn’t chock-full of pleasant family memories.

You’d think it would be easier for her to sell, move on, and start over. My father’s presence still lingered everywhere, even though I knew he was gone. I still watched and waited for the garage door to open, expecting to see his black Audi to come rolling down the drive.

These visits with my mother were getting harder and harder to take. I had to remind myself that she was still a work in progress and that things would get better with time.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but there has been something off lately with her. One minute she would be breaking down in tears, telling me how overwhelmed she was, and the next, she was insisting that she wanted to handle everything on her own. Which made no sense at all because she knew nothing about 401k loans and stock options or real estate investments. I was the one with the business degree, and my rates were affordable. Free of charge, actually. The only thing “financial” she was familiar with was swiping her black Amex card through the card reader at Neiman Marcus.

I stepped out of my Jeep Wrangler and fixed my windblown hair, it looked like the head of a troll doll. I really needed a haircut.

I adjusted the Oakley’s on top of my head and made my way up to the garage door. The sooner I got this visit out of the way, the sooner I could get back to Chloe. Just as I was about to punch in the code, the door lifted open.

The Styrofoam coffee cup in my hand froze. The investment banker who handled my family’s investments strolled over to an older model BMW which was parked on my father’s side of the garage. He dangled his cheap, gray suit coat over his shoulder, which was probably purchased on a two for one deal at JC Penny. His clothes looked wrinkled, his hair looked a mess, and he wore a grin that matched mine when I woke up next to Chloe this morning.

His feet stalled when he caught sight of me. My fingers practically crushed the coffee cup in my hand. I never trusted that son of a bitch, and now I knew why.

He took a step back, holding his hands out defensively. “Jack.” His face contorted into panic. “This isn’t what it looks like.”

My nostrils flared. “First, it’s not Jack. It’s fucking Mr. Jenson to you, asshole. And second, what do you think this looks like?” I tilted my head to the side and pinned him with my icy stare. “To me, it looks like you were just banging my mother.”

He swallowed nervously, glancing over his shoulder. “I care about your mother very much.”

“My father trusted you with his fortune, and this is how you repay him? By fucking his wife?” My jaw turned to stone, my voice sounded more like a growl. “Save your bullshit for someone else because I’m not buying today. For Christ’s sake, she’s old enough to be YOUR own goddamned mother!” I prowled toward him, feeling the adrenaline race through my veins. “You only care about your future commissions,” I spat. “You don’t give a shit about my mother!”

He looked about two seconds away from cowering on the concrete floor. “Jack,” he sputtered. “I mean, Mr. Jenson, I’m sorry for your loss, and I know this is a lot to take in, but…”

I got right up in his face, meeting him eye to eye. I had at least a couple inches on his scrawny little ass. There was no doubt in my mind that I could kick the living shit out of this turd. He looked like he never lifted a weight in his life.

“But nothing, you slimy piece of shit. You’re fired. Kaput. Done. I’m moving all my father’s money out of your company. I’m sure your partners will be delighted to hear that you were fucking the grieving widow of one of their biggest clients. Don’t you ever step foot on this property again. Do you understand me?”

I stormed around him, fighting the urge to throat punch him into the ground. I flew into the kitchen and raced to the bottom of the stairs, hearing the shower running in the upstairs bathroom. I always knew my mother was unfaithful, but to move on so soon, with a piece of garbage like that? It was almost too much to take.

I walked past the walls lined with family photos over to the familiar liquor cabinet. I found an old bottle of Captain Morgan’s, which was my father’s favorite. I twisted off the cap and poured myself a glass. My good mood from earlier had evaporated in a matter of minutes. I chugged the glass, feeling the sting of the rum in the back of my throat and slammed it down on the bar where it shattered into pieces. “Fuck,” I hissed out, checking to see if I had cut my hand.

I looked over at the picture on the end table. It was a photo of Dad and me standing over a Blue Marlin we had caught in Mexico on a fishing trip last summer. Even though I spent half the time on the boat throwing up over the starboard rail, it was one of the last good memories I had of him.

I stood there and took a deep breath. I was trying really hard not to lose my shit. Things were already tense between my mother and me, and running into her fuck buddy/financial advisor had me wound up tighter than a roll of Saran Wrap.

How could she do this? What the hell happened to her? Nothing about this made sense, but at the same time everything started to add up, and it made my stomach sour.

I heard my mother’s soft footsteps as she came padding into the room. Her hair was damp from the shower.

For a brief awkward moment, her gaze held mine. The sight of her had never felt so painful. Questions flickered in her eyes, but nothing came out of her mouth.

She tugged nervously on the sash of her cream-colored robe. “Jack.” She took a hesitant step toward me. “You’re early.” She eyed the splattered glass before slowly sliding her gaze up to my face. No matter what I thought of her right now, she was still my mother. My father would have expected me to behave accordingly.

“I ran into our well-rested financial advisor on the way in here,” I said with a sarcastic bite. “I only have one question. How could you?”

For the first time, I could see the hurt and the guilt flash in her eyes. She straightened her shoulders and spoke in a low voice that I almost didn’t recognize. “Jack, you don’t understand. I don’t want to talk to you about this, because it isn’t fair to you. Just know that I loved your father very much, but our marriage was far from perfect.”

I threw my hands up in frustration. “There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, Mother. Everybody knows this. You don’t think I knew about all the men you slept with over the years?” Her eyes grew wide, and she reached out to touch me, but I took a step back. “You don’t think Dad fucking knew that his wife was running around behind his back? Or that I didn’t know that my mother was a drunk? Do you know what it’s like to be a child and have to live with all these secrets and pretend that everything is normal?”

All the painful, ugly memories unleashed inside me, twisting around in my gut. They hurt so fucking much, I wasn’t sure I could ignore them anymore.

She hung her head and sighed. Tears leaked from the corner of her eyes, but I wasn’t sure if they were for Dad, herself, or me.

I hated hurting her like this, but these truths had been buried deep for so long that I could no longer keep them down. She was the reason that I was so fucked up when it came to relationships. It was no wonder I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting, but you have no right to judge me. You may think you do, but you don’t know anything about my marriage to your father.”

I laced my hands behind my head and started to frantically pace the room. “You see, Mother, there is this thing called a marriage, where two people stand before God and promise to love, honor, and be faithful. Surely you remember your wedding vows, right?”

The tears continued to fall, but her face remained stoic. She looked like the fight had been taken out of her. I almost felt sorry for her until she decided to open her mouth. “Your father was a good provider and a great father, but he was not a good husband. I don’t expect you to understand this, but sometimes loving someone isn’t enough.”

She wiped her frail hands across her face. “Your father made choices. He chose his business over me!” she shouted, slamming her hand against her chest. “He was never around, and when he was here physically, he was on the phone or working on the computer. Jack, I had needs, and your father didn’t change or care enough to meet them. In either case, we started to grow apart, but the needs didn’t go away.”

“I don’t want to hear about the lack of intimacy that you guys had, but if you had issues in your marriage, or if you felt neglected, you should have said something.”

“We talked about it a million times, but nothing ever changed. Even when he did try, it wasn’t good enough.” My mouth hung open. I wasn’t even sure what the hell to say to that. “His company came first, and I came second, always. It was that simple.”

I just stared at her and shook my head. I was confused as fuck on what to say. She was the same woman who would make me homemade chicken noodle soup when I was sick and take me out for ice-cream after every doctor’s appointment. The same woman who raised me, nurtured me, and was always there for me during my younger years. But as I got older, that all changed. She became distant and withdrawn. Cold may have been a better word.

Logically, no one understands exactly what goes on between two people in a marriage. But the young boy in me could never understand how the two people he loved most in the world could be so miserable together. When I was young, I tried not to think about it, but that became impossible as I got older. I couldn’t help but feel like this was somehow my fault. Maybe if I weren’t around, they would have just left each other and found their own happiness. Maybe I was the one who should have been in therapy.

The frail woman in front of me stared down at her hands. She fisted her wedding ring around her own finger before looking back up to meet my eyes. “I loved your father, and yes, I remember our vows. He knew I would never leave him, so changing to try to save our marriage was never a priority for him.”

“So, you stayed because of the money, right?” I threw my hands out wide. “You stayed so you wouldn’t have to give all this up.”

“I stayed for you, Jack. I stayed because a child needs stability and security. I never worked a day in my life. I have no skill to offer an employer. How could I have taken care of you on my own if I couldn’t even take care of myself?”

I stared at her with tears blurring my vision and so much conflict in my heart that I didn’t know what to say or do. I didn’t know what to think or how to feel.

I wanted to muster up the compassion she was seeking, yet I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. All the men, the booze, and the neglect came rushing back, preventing me from giving her the understanding she needed. I loved my mother, I did, but her actions cut too deep. I took a step back and closed my eyes. My entire life felt like a sham. I started to walk past her, but she grabbed my arm before I could pass and walk out the door.

I gritted my teeth and spoke through my anger. “I need to go.”

“Jack. Please stop. I need you to listen to me. I know how much you loved your father, and even though you might not believe me, I did too.”

“Well, you’ve got a really funny way of showing it,” I spat out and jerked my thumb toward the door that her latest lover just walked out of.

She released my hand, and I stared back at the sapphire blue eyes that matched mine. “I’m still your mother, and I love you, but the company I choose to keep is none of your business.”

I swallowed hard past the lump in my throat. “I can’t even look at you right now.” I stormed past her, slamming the glass door behind me. Once I made it to my car, I rested my head on the steering wheel and played the last thirty minutes of my life in my head.

“I’m so sorry, Dad,” I said, looking up at the sky, hoping he could hear me. It was the first time since his death where I felt overwhelmed with grief. “You didn’t deserve a life like this,” I muttered, feeling the tears well up in my eyes.

I would give anything to see him right now. Just one last time. I jammed the keys into the ignition and sped out of the driveway. I didn’t want to think about anything. I just wanted to clear my head and not have to process the fact that my father was gone, and that my mother was a self-destructing drunk.

I kept the top down on my Jeep as I drove along the back roads, taking the long way home. I was hoping the fresh air would clear my mind. With every curve and turn along the winding roads, I felt myself slowly unraveling. When I arrived at my cottage, I knew I needed more time to think. I threw on a pair of basketball shorts and a Nike T-shirt. I laced up my running shoes, and like Forest Gump, I ran. I ran so hard and fast that I felt my legs tighten up in painful knots.

The sight of the waves rolling along the shore helped silence the thoughts in my head. I needed this. Living in the city for so long made me appreciate the quiet even more. There were no cab horns honking in the distance, no ambulance or cop sirens blaring past me. The only sounds I heard were the waves as they crashed into the jagged cliff to my left or the occasional dog barking as I passed them by. I looked up to the blazing sun, feeling slightly better than I did a few hours ago.

My phone beeped in the pockets of my mesh running shorts. I pulled it to see a text message from Chloe.

Chloe: Can you stop and pick up some chocolate chips on your way over? I’m out and don’t have time to run to the store.

I laughed as I read it again. Well, that was a first. This woman was simple and so uncomplicated, yet our situation was anything but.

What the hell was I doing?

I wanted to draw lines and set boundaries. Do all the things I told her I wouldn’t do. I swore I would never tie myself down to a woman. Yet, here I was with a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth. All because of her. The woman who slipped inside without me realizing it. The one who snuck up on me when I least expected it. Now, I just had to figure out how I was going to keep her.