Yasmine

 

Hawk stormed out to the lobby. Sweat beaded around his forehead. He kept looking from side to side like someone was following him. Rage covered his face. He didn’t even stop in front of me. He kept stomping toward the door.

“Hawk? What’s wrong?” I rushed after him, scared and losing my mind with worry. “Is everything okay?”

Did the Reiki do more harm or good? What happened? Did I push too far?

He shoved the door open. “I’m not going back there again.”

“What happened?”

“I’m done with that shit and I don’t want anymore suggestions or advice from any of your self-help books. That shit was crazy. I’m more crazy. No. Never again.”

I swallowed. “Okay.”

He paced in front of Soul Tribe’s entrance. “I fucked up.”

“How?”

“This.” He stopped in front of me and rubbed his face with both hands. “This. We can’t do this anymore.”

“We won’t. I’ll never bring up yoga or Reiki or anything else again. I thought it would help, but it didn’t. That’s okay. I’m sorry.”

“No, Yaz.” He looked away from me and ran shaking fingers through his hair. “We can’t do us anymore.”

I had to catch my breath. It took several silent seconds. When I finally did, I cleared my throat. “Us? Like...you don’t want to date?”

“We should stop this.”

I took my time with the next words. “We should stop or we have to stop?”

“Both. I’m leaving tommorow. I don’t know what I was doing down here.”

“What?” My heart stopped. I held my hands out to my sides. “Hawk? What the hell happened in there? I don’t understand.”

“I can’t be fixed. I’m worse. I felt...There were other people in there. At least...I thought there were...Fuck. I can feel me getting worse and I don’t want you around me when I fall. You can’t watch me fall.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.”

“But—”

“No, Yaz. We’re done.”

The world spun around me. I leaned against the entrance’s glass door to find balance.

“I’m sorry, Yaz.” He backed away, shaking his head. “You don’t fucking deserve this. You’re perfect. You’re beautiful. You’ve brought me nothing but happiness and—”

“I don’t understand.” My words cracked at the end. “Why are you running away?”

“Because I’m too scared to stay.”

The tears came, spilling down my face. When I’d caught Greg cheating on me, I didn’t cry. I was angry, ready to go into the kitchen, grab a knife and stab the both of them, but I didn’t cry. On the plane to Key West, no tears came. Even when I sat alone in that attic the first night, trying to make sense of everything that had happened to me, no tears spilled out of my eyes.

But today, I cried right in front of the Soul Tribe. I must’ve looked like a fucking idiot. The tears wouldn’t stop. No matter how much I wiped them away, my face wouldn’t stay dry.

Hawk reached out to touch my face.

“No.” I tried to keep myself together. “Don’t run, Hawk. Don’t just—”

“I love you too much to stay, Yaz. You deserve better.”

“Bullshit!”

A couple walking by turned our way and whispered to each other. They must’ve heard me, but I didn’t care.

“That’s such bullshit,” I whispered. “I know I’m supposed to understand. I know I should get what’s going on, that you’ve been hurt, that you’re damaged, that you’re scared to move on. But all I want to do is scream at you.”

“I didn’t want to make you cry, Yaz. There’s no one on this planet that has loved me like you have. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But, you’re doing it now.”

“You know I’ll never love you like you deserve?”

“You don’t know that.”

“I’ll try, but I’ll hurt you. That bitch will always be in my head, tainting everything and everyone that I touch. She can haunt me, but she can’t hurt you.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.”

“But it will.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket. “Let me take you home.”

“Fuck you, Hawk. I’ll walk.”

“Yaz, let me just take you—”

“No.” I wiped more tears away and shook my head. “If you’re going to run off, then just do it. Leave. Don’t fucking come back. Don’t call. Don’t write. Stay gone. Just go.”

My words hung in the air above us, thick as black smoke.

“Come on.” He tried again to get me in the car. “Please. I don’t want to leave you here.”

I shook my head, pissed with him and tired of crying.

“Please, Yaz.”

“Just leave.”

He waited for several more minutes in cold silence, and then he walked away.

“I would be your death wish. You should guard your heart when you’re around me.”

Willow came out with another woman that I recognized as Phoenix, the owner of Soul Tribe. Cindy had introduced us at the Blood Rain concert nights ago.

“Is everything okay?” Willow asked.

“No.” I wiped at my nose and face, trying to make myself look less of a mess. “What happened in there? He came out crazy.”

Willow watched Hawk’s car speed away. “He’s starting to heal.”

“No,” I whispered. “He’s running away.”

Willow shook her head. “It doesn’t matter how far he drives off or what flight he takes, he won’t be able to run away from the dark stuff that’s bubbling inside of him. I just released it. I opened the bottle that he’d kept hidden inside of him.”

“Is he going to be okay?” I asked.

“He will.” Willow gave me a half hug. “I believe he’ll be okay. Everything in life happens for a reason.”

Phoenix frowned and stared off in the direction that he’d left in. “That’s a Barron?”

“Yes,” I said.

Phoenix sucked her teeth and then spat on the ground as if Hawk had defiled her property. “If you want my advice, stay far away from those boys. They’re nothing but trouble. They’ll break your heart and leave you alone to fix the pieces.”

She went back inside as if her statement was enough of an explanation.

She really must be the same Phoenix that Hawk was talking about earlier.

Willow gave me a weak smile. “Sorry. She’s...not a fan of...”

“Barron boys?” I asked.

“No. She’s not a fan of men, period.”

“Oh.” I stared at the road, confused and distraught. “I thought everything was going good with us.”

“It’s his session. I can’t talk about anything else.” Willow reached out and embraced me. “But, just...trust in the universe. Everything happens the way it is supposed to happen. If he’s not to be, then he won’t come back. But...if that is your love, if that is your heart, your soul mate, then he’ll return so fast you’ll forget he’d ever left.”

Bullshit. It’ll never be better.

We stood in her weird hug for several seconds and then she leaned back and studied me. “Do you smoke? I could make you a nice blunt and let you chill in the meditative garden.”

“No, thank you. I’ll be fine.”

“I can give you a ride.”

“No, I can walk. It’s barely a ten minute walk.”

“Okay.” She nodded. “That time during the walk will make you feel better.”

I doubt it.

She waved as I walked away. “Come back tommorow. I’ll give you a service on the house.”

“Okay.”

I’ll never come back here again. Memories of Hawk are all over this place now.

The sun poured down warm light and hushed the cool ocean breeze. It took several minutes for me to get the energy to walk back to Dolphin View, but I did. Somehow. I couldn’t have told anyone which way I took, but I arrived in no time.

The whole walk, I battled in my head. At first, I suffered through the pain of Hawk rejecting me. Then, I blamed myself for yelling at him. Guilt filled me. Hawk must’ve had some form of PTSD. He’d been through a lot. I could’ve been more understanding and patient.

Maybe I shouldn’t have cursed at him.

Later in the walk, I told myself that those thoughts were bullshit. That he’d hurt me and it wasn’t right. That he hadn’t even tried, even though deep down inside I knew he had.

We should’ve never kissed. We should’ve never reunited. Damn you, Brett.

By the time I arrived at Dolphin View, I’d begun envisioning Hawk coming back to me and my pushing him away, doing what he’d done to me, getting my revenge.

Just forget about it. There’s nothing that will change now. We’re done. He’s gone. Move on.

Before I stepped on Dolphin View’s property, I glanced at the Barron house, hoping to see Hawk looking out the window. But I doubted he was even home. His car wasn’t parked in front of his house. Worry coursed in my veins, but then I figured he must’ve rushed home, packed his luggage, and raced away.

Damn him.

Or did he not make it back? Or maybe he’s with someone else? Someone who wouldn’t give their heart so easily? Could he move so fast? Will it be that easy?

I started picturing him on the beach with other women. There was no way I could sit through that. He had to know that I would personally cause him pain, if he did it.

Fuck him. He can go to hell. He can...

I exhaled and made myself not think about him anymore. If I did, I would’ve cried and that was the last thing I wanted Victor or Cindy to see.

Just pretend it’s okay. Don’t think about him. Don’t think about today. It will all be fine.

Those thoughts were easier to say, but much harder to live. My feet weighed down on me as I entered the back entrance of Dolphin View. I headed straight to the kitchen, hoping to sneak a bottle of rum out the fridge and hide in my room. But when I got there, Chef Brooke hurried around the kitchen, mixing up bowls and stirring pots.

“Hey, Yaz. How’s it going?”

I displayed a fake smile. “Really great. Everything is so awesome. Birds and blue skies. Sunshine. All awesome.”

“O-kay.” She gave me a weird look and then returned to mixing. “Someone’s been smoking a little ganja.”

“Not me.”

“Hmmm.”

“I’ll be out of your way soon.” I headed to the fridge. “I just got to grab this bottle.”

So I can drown in alcohol until I fall asleep. How’s that for spiritual balance?

A boom came from behind me, and then footsteps. I paused from what I was doing and turned around, hoping it was Hawk begging me back, telling me that he’d been an idiot.

Instead, Victor rushed in.

I sucked my teeth.

“Well, nice to see you to.” Victor widened his eyes. “By the way, have you seen Cindy?”

“No.”

“Dang it.” He tapped the keys in his hand.

“What’s up?”

“Our favorite couple was at it again this morning.”

“The blonde and the dark haired man?”

“Yes. We’re now putting them in separate rooms. The husband is ready to go. He’s been sitting in the lounge all morning waiting for her to come downstairs and let him go up to pack his things.”

I checked my watch. “It’s already late in the afternoon.”

“Yeah. I knocked. She didn’t answer. I wanted Cindy to go in and let the woman know that we can’t have her husband waiting all day.” And then he looked at me and smiled. “Wait. You can do it.”

Sure. I’m just the person Blondie should talk to—a woman that just got her heart broken. We might both end up kicking her husband’s behind. I’m down. I hope she is. I’ve got a lot of pent-up ass whippings to hand out.

Victor studied me and frowned. “Are you okay with that?”

“Sure.”

Chef Brooke made a motion of smoking a joint on my side.

“I didn’t smoke any weed today.”

Chef Brooke laughed and started chopping onions.

“Greg checked out, but did he come around bothering you again?” Victor asked.

“No. I’m sure he’s gone.”

“And Hawk?”

“Sunshines and rainbows as usual.”

“Hmmm. We’ll talk later. I hope he’s doing you right because I just bought some new ammo for my shotgun and have been itching to use it.” He placed the keys in my hands before I could respond. “Thanks for checking up on the blonde. I owe you one. I’ve got a clogged toilet on the third floor. I have to take care of that before those guests get back from their tour.”

“No problemo.” Sighing, I gave up on grabbing the bottle of rum and headed upstairs.

I can’t wait until this couple leaves. They’ve caused nothing but chaos since they’ve got here, and I’m tired of cleaning up their messes.

I knocked on the door. “Housekeeping.”

The blonde’s voice didn’t come from the other side, just a song. I strained to catch some of the words.

“This mad game we play. I run after you. And you after me.” A bluesy melody flowed with the notes. “Will this ever end? Will we ever see? How mad? How mad we play?”

I recognized the song from when Hawk had taken me to lunch. It was the last damn thing I wanted to hear today. It was like the universe hadn’t finished bothering me yet.

I knocked louder.

“Such a mad mad game. Still, I’m calling your name.”

I shifted my knocking to banging, wondering if she could hear me over the music.

“Ma’am, I’m going to have to come inside!” I knocked again, sounding more like a cop and less like housekeeping. “I hope you have your clothes on and I’m not disturbing you. Please make a sound to let me know if it’s okay to come in.”

I waited another minute. There was nothing like barging in on someone that wanted privacy. The music continued to flow out of the room. In the song, the singer paused and let the saxophone play its own form of her melody.

I leaned my head against the door. Nothing but the song came to my side.

“Such a mad mad game. Still, I’m calling your name.”

I knocked two more times before putting the key into the knob.

Really, universe? You’re not going to give me a fucking break today?

I opened the door and realized why she hadn’t answered.

“Still, you’re in my dreams at night.”

Feet were the first thing I spotted. They dangled in front of me. My body froze as I raised my gaze up to the blonde’s stiff body hanging from the chandelier. It was odd, but the first thought that came to mind was that I couldn’t believe the chandelier could hold her weight.

It was crazy what people thought about in times of insanity.

“Still, I’m in darkness and you’re the only light.”

The next thing that rushed out was my own screams. They filled the halls, scaling up the walls and down the stairs. I just couldn’t stop screaming. Tears fell from my eyes. My brain shattered from the view of the dead, heartbroken woman.

Why did you do it? Why did you kill yourself? It would’ve been okay.

A second later, Victor cursed at my side, yanked me out of the room, and closed the door. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

“There is no end, when two souls are lost.”

“Why?” I mumbled. “Why?”

Victor held me close to him. “Fuck.”

I trembled. “Why did she do it?”

“But is it love, if there is no cost?”

“She just gave up, Yaz.” Whispering, he held me tighter. “The pain must’ve been too much.”

He slowly moved me out of the hallway as other guests peeked out of their rooms and gathered around us.

“She just gave up,” Victor whispered again and I cried against his shoulder.

“Such a mad, mad game.”