~ Chapter 17 ~
Ryder wasn’t sure how long they’d been in the cabin but it felt like hours. Hours and Clayr hadn’t even looked his way.
When Cam had slammed the door, she’d jerked then ran to a chair at the table and sat down and that’s where she’d stayed. He’d said hello . . . and she’d ignored him. He’d made a coffee and offered her one . . . and she’d ignored him. So he placed one in front of her anyway.
She played with the mug, twirling it around and around, but didn’t drink it, while he sat opposite her taking in her glorious beauty and inhaling her scent. It was driving him insane.
He’d got up, pacing back and forth, then he decided to just start to talk. If she didn’t respond that was her problem . . . not his. He started right at the beginning, opening himself bare to her, with every emotion he felt at the time when he was nothing more than a boy and she’d left to go and study.
He’d been upset and angry, feeling like she’d abandoned him and yes, with hindsight, he knew now, that was juvenile and wrong, but it was how he felt at the time. So he ran, like an idiot, and what did he expect her to do? He expected her to call and say how much she missed him and then he’d be right on the next plane home.
Only she didn’t. She didn’t call, or text, or email.
So his anger grew. Grew and grew so he refused to call her, email her, text her. If she didn’t need him, miss him, then he sure as hell didn’t miss her . . . only he did. So much that the only way he coped was not thinking about her at all.
He couldn’t. It hurt too much.
So he stayed where he was. Working, growing, learning, and in the back of his mind he always wondered . . . why? Always in the back of his mind though because if he really thought about her his stomach clenched, his heart ached, and the truth smacked him in the face . . . he’d been an ass. He’d acted like an idiot and he was sorry. So sorry for running like a spoiled child who couldn’t get what he wanted . . . and what he’d wanted was for his friend not to leave him alone.
He ran his hands through his hair, multiple times, loosening it from its leather binding and allowing it to fall free. His headache back with a vengeance, he tried massaging his temples to ease the pain. “So there it is, Clayr. I’m sorry for being a total jerk. I was a kid but that’s no excuse.”
He had to finish, had to sit down . . . lie down before she saw how bad the pain was. He wanted to roar with the excruciating agony hurtling around inside his skull, but he refused to allow her to witness his weakness.
There was a sofa in front of him, darkness shrouding around him but he could make it out, so he stomped over, throwing himself down and covering his eyes with an arm. He was done in . . . his emotions were raw, pain overtaking him, and her scent was invading every part of him and making it impossible for him not to react to.
A soft sound made it through the haze of pain and at first, he was certain he’d imagined it, but it came again, so he opened his eyes and focused.
“I’m sorry too.” Clayr’s pain-filled voice carried to him, so low he had to really focus on her voice. “I was filled with so much anger when I learned you’d left for Scotland that I didn’t even mention your name to anyone and I sure as hell wasn’t going to get in touch with you. Not at first . . . and then it got harder. Every day that passed it was harder so I threw myself into my studies and hoped you’d cave and text me. Those first weeks I checked my phone so many times, but every time there was nothing and then I gave up, angry and confused why you’d left.”
She sighed, the sound like a long breath wafting toward him, causing him to sit up and lean toward it. But he didn’t speak, terrified in case he scared her back into silence.
“Like you, I closed out all thoughts of you because it hurt. I focused on learning all I could to help the kids that Chastity and Cam brought here. There were so many that needed my help and I couldn’t afford to open my heart to any more pain . . . it holds too much of theirs. It’s . . . overwhelming, Ryder, so damn overwhelming at times that I fear I’m not good enough. I’m not strong enough to do it and deal with this at the same time.”
Ryder moved slowly, unfurling his hulk from the sofa and made his way toward her, keeping his voice low and calm. “Is that why you wouldn’t talk to me? Why you’ve stayed away from me?”
He could see her now, head in her hands as she leaned on the table, her wild blonde curls free and falling around her face. “Yes,” she said, the word appearing to be torn from her throat unwillingly. “I need to help them. They’re innocent kids who’ve gone through hell and I’m all they have. If I can’t help them then they’ll be lost.”
He fell to his knees next to her, reaching to gently touch her shoulder. “I can help too, Clayr. I promise you I can . . . mates together are always stronger. I can be your rock. I’ll be there to hold you up when you falter. I can help you bear your burden. I’ll be at your side to help when you need me. And I promise you that I will never, not ever stand in your way of helping those bairns. In fact, if I can help them, in any way, then I will. You know what my life was like before I found my way here . . . so if I can help then I’d like to try.”
Clayr’s hands dropped, her head lifting ever so slightly and he got his first glimpse of her dazzling blue eyes which were filled with unshed tears. The sight tore at his soul, his beast mewling in his head with pain for their mate. “Aww, don’t cry, please don’t cry, Clayr. I don’t want to cause you sorrow . . . it’s the last thing I want to do.”
“You’d help me?” she whispered. “You wouldn’t expect me to give up my work?”
Ryder’s head reared back, shock coursing through him as her words sank in. “What? What the hell are you talking about? Why would you say that? Even think something like that?”
“Wolves! So many are . . . unenlightened.” Clayr hiccupped. “That’s cruel, I didn’t mean that . . . not really. But I work full-time, long hours, and I don’t cook and I’m not good at all that housewifey stuff. I’m not good mate material, Ryder. I’m not a typical She-Wolf, hell, I’m not a typical woman period. Never have been and I never will be and I can’t stop what I do . . . even when it feels like it’s going to overwhelm me completely.”
Ryder canted his head giving her a good long hard look before smirking. “I knew that the day I met you. You ran faster, tracked better, and gave most other Wolves a run for their money. I know what you’re like, Clayr. I also remember the state of your bedroom. I’m pretty sure the floor wasn’t visible at any time because of the mess and the one time you made lunch . . . sorry but I slipped it under the table and threw it out when you weren’t looking.”
She snorted, pushing at his shoulder. “I’m not that bad.”
“Aye, you are,” Ryder responded. “But I also remember how at ease you made me feel right from the start. I was terrified and full of bravado trying to hide it . . . a Panther in the midst of a Pack of Wolves. When history had told me that didn’t bode well for me, yet you made me feel safe and accepted and if it weren’t for you, I’m sure I wouldn’t have stayed around. Even then you had a way of helping people who were hurt inside, Clayr, and now you’re right where you’re meant to be. I would never come between you and that. Ever.”
Ryder took a chance, reaching up to tuck some unruly strands of hair behind her ear. Her eyes followed his every movement, wary, on edge, but when his finger brushed against her skin a soft sigh escaped her lips and her head moved toward his touch . . . it was a start.
“You’re more beautiful than ever, Clayr,” Ryder said softly, scared he’d shatter the moment. “I’ve missed you so much these past few weeks. It’s been torture having you so near . . . yet so far away.”
Her eyes turned to his, no longer filled with anger or looking as if she wished to flee and that gave him hope. A tiny flame of promise flaring to life inside him as she leaned toward him.
“Can we do this? Can you promise not to try and tie me down and take me from those kids? Can you swear that to me, Ryder? Truly swear that? Because I can’t leave them . . . they need me and I will not, I cannot let them down.”
This was it . . . that one moment in his life that would change his destiny forever. The very second when the next words he uttered would seal his fate and it would literally mean his life, or him losing his mind and Cam taking him out before he harmed anyone. He knew that’s where he was headed, had known it for days, and now he was here with Clayr and knew without a shadow of doubt that he’d do whatever it took to be by her side.
“I meant every word. Every damn word. I’ll stand by you, help you when you feel so overwhelmed by what you need to do for them. I’ll fucking have your back, Clayr, I swear it on my soul. I’ll protect you, not only in the usual Shifter mating way, but from yourself too. When you’re working yourself too damn hard, baby, I’ll force you to take a break . . . even if it’s just a walk in the forest with me. Because you know what? You need to look after you too if you want to be there to care for them, and I’ll be the one doing that. I’ll be the one looking after you . . . if you’ll let me. You no longer need to share this burden yourself. I’m here and I’m your soul-mate. You know it’s true so let me in, allow me to be what I’m meant to be, and let me do what I’m supposed to . . . care for you, love you, and be the rock you need.”
His skin felt as if it was on fire, his entire future hinged on her answer, but he simply sat, waiting. Her eyes boring into his, her nostrils flaring as she inhaled . . . trying to scent deceit in his words.
He knew she’d come up empty: he’d spoken from the heart and his words were true.
Now he had the excruciating pain of waiting on her answer to his final plea because he had no more words left to give, nothing left in his arsenal to win her over. His next move would be calling his Alpha and asking him to come and put him out of his misery . . . the final ending to his desolation before he dropped into total insanity.