Nate

I went down the stairs as fast as I could and out the front door of Brian’s house. I was so humiliated and angry with myself. I was upset that I couldn’t even explain to Brian how I was feeling.

I actually told him that the sex was lame. How could I’ve done that? It felt amazing. Everything he did felt so good and was something I’d been wanting for so long, and then I turned around and insulted him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wanted to see me again.

I didn’t mean what he’d done was lame. I wanted to run back and tell him that. I wanted to try to explain how I was feeling to Brian, but how could I when I couldn’t even figure it out in my own head?

What I meant to say was, I really wanted our first time to be amazing, but because of my stupid leg I was afraid to even take my clothes off. Brian did all the work and he didn’t even come, and the whole thing was just embarrassing. I hated my body so much for betraying me. For making me feel like everything I did was wrong. For making things that were supposed to be amazing turn into complete shit.

And on top of everything, the guy I’d been in love with my whole freaking life just sucked my cock, and I couldn’t even let myself enjoy it. All because I was pissed at myself and at my leg. I felt like such an idiot.

When I got back to the home there was a message for me that Dr. Livingston wanted to see me. I didn’t really feel like talking to anyone, but my leg had been bothering me so much lately, and I was really hoping they had found me one that fit better. I couldn’t deny the fact that this one just didn’t fit right at all anymore, and I was willing to deal with having to talk to someone just as long as I could crawl into bed afterward and hide away from the world for at least a week.

“Hey, Dr. Livingston,” I said as I peeked around the open doorway. “The nurse at the reception desk said I could come back.”

“Yeah, come on in, Nate. I’m glad you could make it. I have a really big surprise for you,” he said with a smile.

“My new leg?”

“Yep, it just came in. You wanna hop up on the exam table and we can give it a trial run. I’ll call Dr. Soames and see if he’s available. I’ve helped with the fitting of a few prosthetics, but he’s the expert.”

I got up on the exam table and pulled my pant leg up, then watched as Dr. Livingston removed the old socket and started to pull down the liner.

“Am I getting a new one of those two?” I asked.

“Yeah, this is a brand-new system. Your old one had a ratchet mechanism that attached to the liner, but this new leg works on a vacuum system. It’s much more stable and allows the socket to attach more firmly around your remaining leg.”

Dr. Livingston brought the new socket into the exam room and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was probably the most advanced prostatic leg out there.

“No way,” I said. “That leg is insanely expensive, Dr. Livingston. I’ve seen videos on these computerized legs and they cost around fifty-thousand dollars. How can this clinic afford it?”

“Well, we have some very wealthy benefactors,” he said with a smile. “I don’t want you to worry about how much any of this costs. It’s all been taking care of.”

Dr. Soames showed up after my new leg was attached and all of the air was sucked out, creating the vacuum seal. Then the two of them watched me walk and jump and even swivel my hips while I was standing with both feet on the ground.

“How does it feel?” Dr. Soames asked.

“It feels amazing! It feels like a real leg. I can move it in every direction without it rubbing at all. This leg is so different from the other one.”

“Well, that one was a pretty old model. There’ve been a lot of advances since it was made. And the foot you’ve got there will allow you to balance on just about any surface. It’s split down the center so you can move from side to side or run over an uneven surface and you shouldn’t have any problems. It might take you little while to get use to it, but I’m sure you’ll be climbing over rocks and running through the woods in no time.”

“Wow, thank you, both of you,” I said. “I honestly didn’t think my leg would ever feel this good again.”

“It’s my pleasure. How are your phantom pains?” Dr. Lee asked. “Are you still getting them at night?”

“About the same. They come and go.”

“Well, that’s pretty common. But this leg might help with that too, especially when the irritated areas heal. If you’d like, I can write you a prescription for a mild sedative or a painkiller that you can take before you go to bed.”

“No, I don’t want to take anything. It’s really not that bad. Mostly annoying really. Like pins and needles.”

“Okay, well, then, if you’re all set I’m going to head back to my office. Why don’t you go ahead and make an appointment in about a week so that Dr. Livingston and I can take a look at how everything is coming along, and make any adjustments you might need?”

“Sounds good,” I said.

“And if you have any pain or soreness before then, be sure to give one of us a call.”

“I will. Thank you so much, Dr. Soames.”

“Anytime, Nate.”

Dr. Soames said goodbye and left Dr. Livingston and I in the room together. I had completely forgotten about how horrible I’d felt earlier in the day. There was something about having this new leg that made my life seem not quite so bad. It was so much more comfortable and made me feel more confident. I wasn’t even limping anymore.

“Have you continued seeing the counselor here at the clinic?” Dr. Livingston asked.

I was still a little preoccupied with how well I could maneuver my new leg, and I was bouncing up and down when he asked me that question. When I realized he was waiting for an answer, I looked up and gave him a big smile. “Sorry, I’m just so amazed by the way this leg feels.”

“No need to apologize. I’m really happy that it feel so much better. I’m sure the poor fit had an effect on the way you felt.”

“Yeah, probably,” I said, then remembered what Dr. Livingston had asked me. “I saw the therapist twice this week. I guess I’m gonna keep going. I like talking to him.”

“I think that’s a great idea. You really do seem to be in much better spirits.”

“Well, to be honest, I wasn’t before I came in here. I think it really has to do with this leg. It feels so much better.”

“Yes, I can imagine how frustrating it must have been to have a device that didn’t function properly or fit well. I’m sure that had a great effect on your mental health and attitude. But was there anything in particular that happened today that put you in a bad mood?” he asked. “I’m here for you to talk to, just like the therapist. If there’s anything you ever feel like getting off your chest, I want you feel like you can come to me.”

“Well, yeah, something did happen.” I walked across the room and sat down in an empty chair. I really did feel like I could trust Dr. Livingston. It felt good having an older omega to confide in. “I was over at a friend’s house earlier today, and we …”

“I’m assuming this is someone who’s more than just a friend,” he said.

I smiled. He totally got why I stopped talking. It was a little embarrassing, I guess. I’d never really had a sex talk with my parents and I wasn’t sure what words were okay to use. “Yeah, were more than friends. We were … fooling around, if you know what I mean?”

“Yes, I know,” he said with a smile.

“And, I don’t know, it just felt wrong. Not what we were doing, but me. My leg.”

“Well, that’s totally understandable. He’s the first person you’ve been with since you lost your leg, correct?”

“Yeah, and he’s also a really old friend too. Someone I’ve liked for a long time. I guess I’d built everything up in my mind so much, and, I don’t know, I wanted it to be perfect our first time. But it wasn’t.”

“Well, that’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself or anyone else. Besides, perfect is pretty subjective. What did your friend think?”

“He said he had a good time and that he didn’t see me any differently, but …”

“But you didn’t believe him?”

“I guess not. I don’t know. Part of me is okay with being different. I’ve always found people who are different and unique more fun to be around. But ever since the accident, all I’ve wished is that I was like everyone else again.”

“Well, it sounds to me like your friend is sensitive to your new situation.”

“Yeah, he is. He’s awesome.”

“He can only tell you how he’s feeling, Nate, and it’s up to you to decide for yourself how you feel. Maybe if the two of you take things slowly—“

“But that’s just the thing,” I said, interrupting him. “I don’t want to go slow. I mean, we’ve known each other our whole lives. I know what I want. I want to be with Brian. But I’m just afraid …”

“You’re afraid that this person you’ve known your whole life is lying to you when they tell you that they enjoyed having sex with you?”

I looked up at Dr. Livingston and rolled my eyes. “Well, when you put it that way …”

“That doesn’t make much sense, Nate,” he said with a laugh. “It’s understandable that you would be scared, especially of new experiences like this. But, I think you need to give your friend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe try to imagine how it would feel to truly believe what he was telling you, then see which feels better to you. And I’m pretty sure you already know which one it’s going to be.”

What Dr. Livingston said made sense. Brian wouldn’t have said he was into the sex if he hadn’t been, but I was still too embarrassed to talk to him. I was still having such a hard time finding a middle ground between accepting my own reality and completely freaking out over it. I was tired of hiding from the world, from Brian, and from my problems.

So, the next day, I decided to call him.

“Hey,” I said sheepishly into the phone. “How’s it going?”

“Good. How are you?”

I let out a sigh of relief because I really thought that Brian would be completely fed up with me. But he sounded genuinely interested in talking. “Better. Brian, I really want to apologize—“

“Don’t,” Brian said, cutting me off. “Nate, I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through in the last year. I had no idea about any of it. I wish you’d told me, but I also understand that you need to do things in your own time. But I want you to know that you can always come to me … for anything … whenever you’re comfortable.”

“But I’m more comfortable with you than with anyone in the world, Brian.”

“Then what is it? Why did you leave the other day?”

“I guess … I don’t know, I thought you’d be getting the bum end of the deal. You know, a brand-new toy out of the box, but without all the parts.”

“Okay, Nate, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Brian said with a laugh.

“Yeah, I know. I think my mind has been kinda messed up for a while. I haven’t really talked to anyone about any of this until recently, and I think that’s been part of my problem. I started seeing a therapist here at the clinic. I’ve only been there a couple times, but I think it’s already helping.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. You know, don’t you, that I want to hang out with you no matter what. I can’t believe you compared yourself to a toy, although I have to admit it’s kind of funny. It reminds me of the toy soldiers we use to play with. Remember that?”

I was silent for a moment. I couldn’t believe Brian remembered that game. I don’t even remember whose idea it was, but we would always have one of our soldiers hold another one prisoner, and it was understood that the prisoner had to do whatever his captor wanted. We never talked about what the soldiers would do together, but I always had the feeling that we both secretly knew. “I’ll be over in a bit.”