“Listen, I thought about what you said, and I got a job.”

I hesitate, a little surprise. I didn’t expect to hear from Will this fast, especially considering what happened the day before. I almost didn’t even take his call.

“Let me take you out,” he says. “I want to celebrate.”

I pause. “I have Cara today.”

“That’s okay, bring her. We’ll make a picnic over by that big, weird oak.”

I know the tree he’s talking about. It’s enormous, gnarled, and looks like it was hit by lightning at least twenty different times. Still, somehow it’s alive, and it sprouts big, gorgeous leaves every spring.

“I don’t know,” I say lamely, trying to come up with an excuse.

“Look, if you’re weird about yesterday, it’s fine. I get it.”

“I’m not weird,” I protest, even though I really, really am.

“Fine. I’ll come get you in like a couple hours?”

“Fine.” I realize that I’m agreeing to this almost. Out of spite. “I’ll see you soon.”

He hangs up the phone and I sigh. I look over at Cara as she plays in the lawn placidly, and I don’t know what the hell I’m thinking.

I ran away from him yesterday for a reason. I couldn’t face him again, not after going through that. He makes me feel things I never thought were possible, physically and emotionally. I don’t know why I gave myself to him like that, or why he stopped at getting me off the way he did, but it was incredible.

And afterward, I hated myself. At least just a little bit. I’ve been so angry with him for so long, and now he’s suddenly back in my life and I’m just willing to throw myself back into all that. It’s pathetic.

But my god… it felt so good. So, so freaking good. I haven’t been touched like that, well, ever, with the exception of that one night I spent with him already. He has this way about him and he just seems to get what I need. I don’t know how he does it, but he can get me off so easily, like he almost doesn’t mean to.

I know it’s dangerous, seeing him again. I know I’m going to catch feelings pretty fast if I keep this up. But he’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and I know he needs me now more than ever. He’s floundering, trying to figure out what direction he wants to go, and I know I should at least be there for him as he figures it all out. Plus, he’s back living with his abusive asshole dad, which doesn’t help one bit.

I remember how he helped me back when I was first acclimating to being back in the real world. We were just kids back then but he was patient and kind and generous with me. We’d talk about his problems with his dad, but mostly we’d talk about mine. I told him all the dreams I had, all the memories I couldn’t stop reliving over and over, and he was always there to hold me as I cried.

Now he needs me, and I want to return that favor. But it’s so much more complicated. Back then we didn’t have this rich and detailed history. He could listen to my stories about how my parents locked me in the basement and refused to feed me for days at a time, how my dad would hit me with a belt if I asked for water too loudly, how my mom would laugh when I’d beg her to make my dad stop. It was easy to tell a stranger all that, because he couldn’t judge me. He didn’t even know me.

Now we have all this history, and it’s driving me insane.

I need to get over it. I have to be strong for my friend, even if things are weird. I know I shouldn’t bring Cara with me, but I have no other choice, and plus, they’ve already met. Might as well try and make this as normal as possible and hope he just never figures out the truth.

I get changed, freshen up, and get Cara ready. Will’s right on time, showing up exactly two hours after he called. I help him set up Cara’s car seat in the back of his truck before we head out together, a weird little family, although he doesn’t realize that part.

“You gonna tell me about this job?” I ask him.

“Yeah, eventually,” he says. “It’s not exactly a dream gig, you know.” He hesitates. “My dad got it for me.”

I stifle a groan. “Really?”

He glances at me. “Really. I know, I know, it’s stupid, but it pays pretty good and the interview was easy.”

“I’m honestly surprised he’d give you something,” I say to him.

“I. think he feels bad about being a dick the other day.” He shrugs a little. “Whatever. It’s just a retail gig at his location in town. He’s barely ever there so it’ll be fine.”

“Well, good for you,” I say, although it confuses me. “I’m glad you made a move.”

“Me too.” He grins at me as we pull down a little dirt road. It finishes at a dead end and he parks the truck off to the side. We get our stuff together and head out toward the tree. It sits on top of a hill nearby, branches crawling up toward the sky like eels. I carry Cara’s stuff and Will carries a blanket and a picnic basket.

We set up at the base of the tree in a bit of shade cast by the wide leafy branches. Cara immediately starts playing in the dirt around the big, curving roots, and Will unpacks the food.

“Same as before,” he says, handing me the sandwich. “Hope that’s okay.”

“Very uninspired,” I joke.

He grins at me. “Guess I’m not so creative after all.”

“No, but I can’t complain.” I unwrap the sandwich and take a bite. “Delicious.”

He grins and starts eating too. I give Cara some of her dolls and watch as she makes them roll around in the dirt. Fortunately, I put her in clothes that I don’t really care about, since I knew she’d be getting filthy. Can’t keep kids clean, especially not outdoors.

“She’s cute,” Will says.

I smile. “Yeah, she is.”

“How’s it been, being a mom?” He asks softly, so Cara can’t hear.

“Good and bad,” I say honestly. “I haven’t slept well since I got pregnant. But having her in my life’s been amazing.”

“The sleep thing’s real?”

“Very real,” I say, laughing. “Sleep while you can, because after you have kids, it’s all over.”

He sighs. “I do love my sleep.”

“You’re a total bachelor.”

“You think so?” He cocks his head at me. “I don’t see myself that way.”

“Sure, you were always something of a player back at school.”

“Maybe. I mean, I can’t help it if ladies threw themselves at me.”

I groan. “Seriously?”

“You’re just jealous.” He grins at me. “Always were.”

I roll my eyes. “And you’re not funny.”

“I am definitely very, very funny.”

He puts his sandwich down, only half eaten, and goes over to Cara. He sits in the dirt next to her and he starts playing with her dolls. She looks a little hesitant at first, but slowly she starts to warm up to him.

I finish eating while I watch Will and Cara play. I have to admit, he’s really good with her. Most men seem totally awkward around little kids, especially around little girls. I don’t know why, maybe because they think they’re going to break or something. Fortunately, Cara is about as resilient as they get, and she’s a really sweet girl.

I didn’t expect to have a good time. I know that’s probably bad to admit, but it’st he truth. I expected things to be awkward as hell, especially after yesterday. Instead, Will’s making it feel like nothing strange happened at all, like he didn’t just randomly eat me out next to a waterfall.

I get a little shiver, just thinking about his touch again. I know it’s bad and I need to stop, but I can’t help it. There’s even something sexy about how at ease he is with Cara. I should probably be worried about that, since he’s not supposed to figure out that he’s the father, but I’m not letting myself freak out. It’s a beautiful day, the food is good, and I haven’t really properly enjoyed myself in a long, long time.

This is what Will brings to me life that I’ve been missing. I’ve always found it hard to make friends, because of what happened to me. I can’t get close to people. It takes me a long, long time to open up, and most people don’t want to put in the effort to get a shy loner like me to talk. I know it’s because I’m damaged or whatever, since that’s what all my psychiatrists told me back in the day, but it’s still hard to get over.

Will’s the only one that ever tried. He brings joy and ease and happiness into my life in a way that nobody else does, except for maybe Eleanor and Cara. I want better for myself, or at least I want what’s good. Will’s good, even if I am still resentful.

He stands up and stretches after playing with Cara for a half hour. He walks over and sits back down next to me, groaning a little.

“Does she ever get tired?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say, laughing. “But it happens all at once. She only has two speeds.”

“I don’t know how you keep up.”

“I have help.”

“How do people with multiple kids do it?”

“I genuinely don’t know,” I say, and laugh again. “I’ll probably never find out.”

He watches me, eyes a little sad. “I meant to ask you about that, but I didn’t know how.”

I shrug a little. “It’s not a big deal. I mean, you know most of it already.”

“Yeah,” he says softly.

“The same issue applies. Because my parents starved me right when I was hitting puberty, my period’s are all messed up, and I shouldn’t be able to have kids.” I glance over. At Cara. “Doctors can’t really explain that one.’

“What makes you think you’ll never have another one?”

I purse my lips and just shrug. “They said I probably won’t, and I believe them. I just… have a feeling, I guess. Cara was a miracle, but miracles don’t happen twice.”

“Sometimes they do,” he says softly. “But I get it. Must’ve been a mindfuck, getting pregnant to start with.”

“You’re not kidding,” I say. “I always assumed it would never happen, and then boom, I’m a single mom. Life can be fucked up sometimes.”

“Yeah, it definitely can.” He leans back onto one elbow, watching me. “But you’ve done a good job. I mean, look at her.”

I look over at Cara. She’s so happy, just playing in the dirt, getting totally filthy but having a great time. I can’t help but smile. Eleanor’s going to be annoyed when she does the laundry, but it’s worth it.

“Yeah, she’s pretty great.”

“So uh, how are you, otherwise?”

I raise an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Like, after the birth, and with everything…” He trails off.

“I’m fine,” I say. “The birth was hard but the doctor said it went pretty good, all things considered. Now I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been.” I glance down at his knee. “How’s that?”

“It’s shit,” he says, laughing. “But you know, I’m working on it.”

“Good for you,” I say. “Honestly, that’s probably more than most people can do.”

He sighs and leans all the way back, looking up at the trees. I move closer to him and look up into the trees, sitting cross legged and leaning back on my palms, head tilted backward. It’s a beautiful day, the sun shining, and Cara humming tunelessly as she plays. I feel so content it’s almost scary.

“I never expected to be back,” he says suddenly, “but I’m happy I am.”

“Really?” I laugh a little. “That’s surprising.”

“Put me back in touch with you.” He rolls his head over and looks at me. “That’s worth it.”

“Will,” I say softly.

He raises an eyebrow, smile on his lips. “What? You know you feel it too. It’s asesome having me home.”

“I like having you home,” I say. “But about yesterday.”

His smile turns into a smirk. “Yeah? You want to talk more about that?” He cocks his head to the side. “I can describe to you what else I wanted to do to you, nice and quiet so Cara can’t hear.”

I glance over at her. She’s too far away to catch any of this conversation. “I just meant, we shouldn’t get tangled up like that, is all.”

“You seemed to really enjoy our tangling,” he says.

“It’s been a while,” I admit, blushing.

“Really? Not a lot of big, strapping lads to fuck around here?”

“I’m a single mom,” I say. “Not exactly a line around the block.”

“There would be, if you put yourself out there.” He watches me and I know he’s being totally sincere. “Anyway, I hear you. Like you said, just friends.”

“Right. Just friends.” I lean toward him, feeling that intense pull. I want to kiss his gorgeous lips again, taste that intense desire tingling down my spine that only he’s capable of making me feel. I know he’s right here and I know that if I wanted to reach out and take it, he’d give it to me. He’d give me everything I want and more.

My fingers curl in on the blanket. I want him to bad it hurts.

“Mommy?”

Cara’s voice yanks me from the moment. I look over at her and she’s watching me.

“Yeah sweetie?”

“Juice.”

I get up and walk away from Will. I glance at him as he leans back, a smile on his face. I get Cara’s little sippy cup and hand it to her.

“Just this,” I say.

She takes it without a word and starts to sip at it as she plays. Of course she misses her mouth as much as she drinks any, so she adds sticky orange juice to the list of things making her totally filthy, but that’s okay.

The moments gone when I sit back down. It’s totally inappropriate, thinking about Will this way with Cara right here. I seriously need to get a hold of myself.

The rest of the day is pretty normal. We spend another hour or so lounging around, talking about basically nothing, while Cara plays. Eventually she gets tired, so we pack everything up and head back to my place.

Cara’s in my arms as I stand outside of Will’s truck, the car seat back in my own car at this point.

“Thanks for that,” I say to him. “It was really nice.”

“Any time,” he says. “I like spending time with you guys.”

“Yeah, even this one?” I grin and nod at the sleepy Cara in my arms.

“Especially this one,” he says, and Cara giggles heavily as he pokes at her side.

“See you later, Will,” I say.

“Yeah. See you.”

I watch as he gets back into his truck and drives off. It’s so strange. That was the first time Cara played with her father, but neither of them knows it. I’m the only one that fully understands what that little picnic meant, and I’m afraid how both of them will react when they figure it out.

Well, I’m less concerned about Cara than I am about Will. He has to find out the truth sooner or later if he’s going to stay in my life, I just don’t know how to go about doing it. I’ve been pushing him away for so long now that I haven’t even considered this.

As I walk back up into the house, I can’t stop thinking about how good it felt to be on that blanket with Will and Cara, like a normal family, and how much it hurts knowing that’ll never, ever happen for me.