“You really don’t need to meddle, you know.”

Eleanor smiles at me over her cup of coffee. It’s a beautiful morning and Cara is playing in the grass twenty feet away, a bunch of her dolls spread out around her in the dirty. I’m sitting on the front porch on a rocking chair, sipping my own coffee, and thinking about my walk with Will.

“I don’t have to, but I like to,” Eleanor says.

I sigh. “Really, I know what you’re doing.”

“Do you?” She gives me a little smile. “I thought I was just reuniting two old friends.”

“Cut it out. You know it’s not that smile.”

“I don’t?”

Her questions are driving me insane. “El,” I say.

“Addie.” She grins at me.

I sigh. “Look, do I really have to say it? All this time, and you haven’t made me say it.”

“Honey,” she says softly. “I respect your right to privacy, I really do. But you’ve kept it from me for so long.”

“I know.” I look away from her. “I just… I don’t want you to be ashamed of me.”

‘Ashamed?” She sounds genuinely surprised. “What makes you think I’d be ashamed of you?”

“I got pregnant young and without a husband.”

“So what? You were told you’d never have a baby, so I doubt you were using protection.”

I wince and blush at the same time. “Please don’t say that word.”

“What? ‘Protection?’”

I wince again. “Yes.”

“Addie, grow up. You’re a mother now.”

“I know. It’s just weird coming from you.”

Eleanor’s silent for a minute and I think the conversations over when she speaks up again.

“I was younger than you are when I got pregnant the first time,” she says softly.

I turn and stare at her. “You don’t have any kids,” I say.

She looks at me with a sad smile. “I got pregnant three times in my life, and each time I had a miscarriage.”

My eyes go wide. “Oh my god. El, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, honey. It was a long time ago.”

“That’s so awful.”

She sighs. “The first time wasn’t so bad. I wasn’t ready.” She smiles a little wistfully, sipping her drink. “I slept with the neighbor, this boy named Alvin. He was dumb as nails but he had the strongest arms I’ve ever seen. Well, he got me pregnant, but I lost it before I had to tell anyone.”

“That’s so horrible,” I say softly. “How old were you?”

“Sixteen,” she says, and smiles at my look of surprise. “I had a life before you, you know.”

“I know. That’s just so young for back then.”

“I guess so. But the world wasn’t in black and white back then. We had lots and ltos of color.”

I laugh a little bit. That’s her favorite metaphor. “Well, I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“And I’m sorry that all this hurt has happened to you, too,” she says softly. “Girl, you’ve had enough of it for one lifetime.”

I laugh a little bitterly. “I know.”

“You don’t have to tell me who Cara’s daddy is. I think I already know, anyway. But you can talk to me, if it’ll help with the pain.”

I stare out at my daughter playing, although my mind reaches back into my past. I can see the basement door, locked tight, light streaming underneath it. I can hear mommy and daddy yelling in the kitchen as I cowed at the bottom of the steps, crying. I can hear mice in the walls and my own fingernails, scraping at the concrete floor.

“It was a mistake,” I say softly. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’

“I know, honey.”

“It was perfect. I mean, it was weird and made no sense but it felt good. We were best friends.”

“And then?” she prompts.

“And then he got me pregnant and I ran away from him.”

She nods and doesn’t say anything. We sit in silence for a little while and I try to push away the bad memories, but they won’t go away. It feels like I’m always in that basement, no matter how far away from it I get. I’ll always be down there, a scared little girl.

“I guess you never told him,” she says finally.

“No,” I answer. “He was going overseas anyway.”

“Would you have told him, even if he weren’t?”

I hesitate. “I… No. I don’t think so.”

She nods and sighs. “I’m sorry this is so complicated for you, honey. If you want my advice, just talk to him. Will isn’t a bad person.”

“I know he isn’t,” I say. “I wish it were that simple.”

She nods but doesn’t say anything and the conversation passes away.

I can remember the day I found out that I was pregnant. It was a little over a month after I slept with Will that night. I kept half expecting him to tell me how he felt about me every day after that, but he never did. It just never came up, and with each passing day, I felt worse and worse. I felt like he used me, just to get some ass.

It broke me. Because Will was my first. I lied to him out in the forest. I’ve never been able to let someone get close to me the way Will could. It wasn’t like I was saving myself, and I had boyfriends over the years, but I could never let myself sleep with them. Every time I tried, all I could think about was that basement, and I’d freak out.

It was easy with Will though. I didn’t have any bad thoughts, because it was him. It was Will, the guy I’d always loved, the only person who really knew me.

My period was late, which isn’t super unusual, but I’d been getting some weird symptoms. My boobs were sore, I was exhausted all the time, and I kept getting these weird nausea spells. I did some Googling, and ended up buying a pregnancy test.

Will came over a few hours after I took it. He had no clue.

“What’s up, Addie girl,” he said to me, grinning as he came into my apartment and flopped down onto the couch. We finished our finals a week earlier, and my lease was ending pretty soon, so these were the last true days of freedom.

“Just hanging out,” I said to him, trying to pretend like everything was fine, even though I was freaking out.

“I got some news,” he said casually.

“Oh yeah?” I sat down across from him, crossing my legs.

He raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Normally we sit together on the couch, our legs touching.

“I got a tryout,” he said.

“Really?” I perked up a little bit. He’d been trying to get tryouts with a ton of NHL teams, but kept getting rejected. “Which team?”

He faltered a little bit. “It’s, uh, a little unconventional.”

“West coast?” I asked him.

“It’s a Russian team.”

I stared at him like he was insane. “Russian?”

“The KHL is the second biggest league in the world,” he said, trying to sound excited, but I could see the pain behind his expression. He was giving up on his real dream by taking a European tryout. He wanted to play in the big league, not the second biggest league. I knew this was killing him.

“That’s amazing,” I said, trying to push through my own pain.

“Yeah. I gotta leave in a few weeks,” he says.

“Great.” I looked away from him. “Good luck.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” He sat there in silence. “I think I have a good shot.”

“I’m sure you do.” I stood up and walked away. “Listen, I gotta finish packing.”

“Yeah, cool.” He stood up. “You uh, need help?”

“No, thanks.” I stared at him, fighting tears. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay. Cool.” He walked to the door and gave me a look. “You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Just stressed.”

“Sure, sure. That’s cool.” He hesitated, looking awkward. “Well, alright. See you later, Addie.”

“Bye.”

He left, and I hated him so much. I hated him for two years, two long years, until he appeared in my life again just a few days ago.

Now it’s hard to remember how much I hated him.

I get up and walk over to Cara. I get down in the dirt with her and pick up a doll. We play together for an hour, laughing and joking. She rolls around and gets dirty, and normally I’d try to keep her clothes clean, but I just don’t care right now. I don’t want to think about being responsible.

I just want to have fun with my daughter. I want to forget about everything else, especially Will. I know that’s impossible, but a girl can dream.

I bring Cara back inside and head upstairs with her to change. As I pull off her dirty stuff and find a new outfit, I hear the phone ringing downstairs and Eleanor answering it.

“Addie, it’s Will for you,” Eleanor calls up from the bottoms of the steps.

“Okay! One second,” I call back.

I get Cara dressed real fast and leave her in her room to play, the door cracked open slightly. I grab the house phone from Eleanor’s room and pick up.

“Hello?”

“Hi Addie,” Will says.

“Long time no see.”

He laughs a little. “Guess I couldn’t stay away.”

“I can’t blame you. I’m great.”

He laughs again, but I can hear something behind it. “Listen, my dad’s home.”

I hesitate. “Oh, shit. That sucks.”

“Yeah. Want to go out to the falls together? Like we used to.”

I pause, staring down at the dresser. I should probably say no, because there is no “like we used to” anymore, not since that night, not since Cara.

But god, just thinking about that feels good. I can’t help myself. “Okay,” I say. “But I found a new spot you might like.”

“Oh really? Been exploring?”

“Not much else to do.”

“Okay then. I’m down.”

“It’s a little treacherous. Are you sure you’ll be up for it.”

Slight pause. “I’ll be good.”

“Good. Meet me at the split in the path in like an hour.”

“See you soon, Addie.”

“Bye Will.”

I hang up the phone, grinning to myself like a moron. I turn and Eleanor’s in the doorway, watching me with a smile of her own.

“You going to go see Will?” she asks me.

I nod. “Yeah, I am.”

“Good. I’ll call Julissa.”

“Thanks, El.”

“Just be safe, okay? We don’t want another baby.”

I roll my eyes at her. “Definitely isn’t happening again. Even if I wanetd it to.”

She nods, a smile on her mouth, but her eyes serious. I walk past her and go into Cara’s room. I sit down and watch her play, but my mind’s already scaling the rocks, with Will at my side.