Chapter 11

Ben was ready to lose his mind. It was late Monday morning, and he was lying in bed while Darcy returned phone calls—some to her family, some about jobs. The job calls he could completely understand, but the family ones? How much more could these people want to be together? And on top of that, in two weeks, they were going to do it all again for Christmas. Didn’t they ever take a break?

The dinner Friday night had gone on until almost midnight. Then Saturday, Aidan and Zoe had come over to hang out. And yesterday, Riley and Savannah stopped by before heading to the airport.

So much for a weekend for just the two of them. Next time they did this, it was going to be in Washington.

His flight home wasn’t until the early evening, but he had hoped they would have some time alone—just the two of them, no family members—before he had to leave. Hopefully, her calls wouldn’t take too long. Glancing over at the bedside clock, he frowned. She had already been out there for almost an hour.

Knowing that staying in bed wasn’t helping anything, he got up and showered. When he came out of the bathroom—in just a towel in hopes of enticing her off the phone—he was mortified to find Aubrey and Brooke sitting in the kitchen.

“Holy shit!” he cried out and quickly went into the bedroom and shut the door.

Didn’t this family ever stay in their own homes?

Darcy came in the room a minute later. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I didn’t even think when they showed up. I thought you’d come out dressed!”

“Really?” he hissed. “In all the times we’ve stayed here, when have either of us come out of the bathroom fully dressed?”

At least she had the decency to look embarrassed. “Okay, fine. We never have, and that should have registered with me. I’m sorry.” She came over and tried to hug him, but he was too wound up. “C’mon, Ben. It’s not like they’ve never seen a man in a towel before.”

That was so not the thing to say.

Ben quickly pulled on his jeans, grabbed a T-shirt out of his bag, and turned to glare at her. “All damn weekend, we had everyone around us. Is it too much to ask that on our last few hours together it be just us? What was so important that your family had to be here?” He did his best to keep his voice down, but it was a challenge.

“They were helping me prep for my last call,” she said with a hint of defiance. “They waited until it was almost lunchtime to come over to give us some privacy. They had no idea you were in the shower.”

“You could have told them,” he countered. “Or better yet, you could have knocked on the damn door and said ‘Hey, Ben. We have company.’ Either of those would have worked.”

She huffed. “I’ve apologized, Ben. What more do you possibly want?”

“I want some time alone with you, dammit! I leave here in a little more than four hours. I would have thought you wanted that too.”

“I do! I just have to make this last call.”

He let out a weary sigh and sat down on the corner of the bed. “And then what? Then you’ll need to talk to Aubrey and Brooke. And then Zoe. And then Anna. And then who knows? And the one person who you should be talking to, the one whose life you supposedly want to share, when will you talk to him? Am I going to have to wait in line behind twenty freaking Shaughnessys before it’s my turn? Because I have to tell you, Darce, that’s not working for me.”

Off in the distance, he heard the front door open and close.

“Great!” she cried. “Are you happy now? They left!”

Jumping to his feet, he yelled, “Oh yeah! I’m thrilled!”

“Oh good,” she replied sarcastically. “Because we all know that your happiness is the only thing that matters!” And with that, she stormed out of the room.

Ben instantly followed and was a bit stumped when he saw her grab her purse and keys. “Where the hell are you going?”

“I’m going to follow them and apologize. Oh, and while I’m out, I’ll make my last call since, thanks to you, I’m almost late for it.”

And before he could say another word, she slammed out the door.

* * *

Ben was gone.

Darcy kept walking around the apartment as if he was hiding somewhere—along with his luggage—but he wasn’t.

He was gone.

Throwing her purse across the room, she let loose a string of curses before collapsing on the sofa.

Well, what did you expect? she thought. You walked out and stayed away for several hours.

“I was trying to calm down,” she said out loud, as if arguing the point that way was going to make a difference.

Aubrey, Brooke, and Zoe had told her she was being unreasonable and that she needed to go back and talk to him, but in typical fashion, she had been stubborn. “Okay, maybe I can fix this,” she said to herself. Rising, she went to her purse and its scattered contents and prayed she hadn’t broken her phone. Seeing it still intact, she picked it up and called him.

“Hey,” he said gruffly.

“Hey.” She had never been more relieved for someone to answer their phone. “So, um, I’m here at the apartment and you’re—”

“At the airport.”

“Your flight isn’t for a while yet,” she said softly, doing her best to stay calm and find a way to apologize.

“I found an earlier one.”

“Ben, I…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that.”

“No. You shouldn’t have.”

Now she was done being meek and soft. “Need I remind you that you’ve done the exact same thing to me? You walked out of the gallery—”

“And I came back in ten minutes later and apologized,” he reminded her. “You were gone for two hours before I left, Darcy. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“Um, you could have come after me. You could have walked over to Aidan and Zoe’s and found me. You could have—”

He let out a low growl of frustration. “The last thing I wanted was more time with your family. Look, they’re all very nice—great, actually—but I was done. Don’t you get it? I’m not like you. Sometimes, I don’t want to have an audience around for every little thing. You and I needed to talk, and I wasn’t going to go to your brother’s house and do it there with everyone watching.”

“It wouldn’t have been that way.”

“I can’t do this with you right now,” he said wearily. “They’re calling my flight.”

“Don’t go,” she begged. “Please. I made a mistake. I…that’s how I’ve always done things—I run away. I can see now that it’s wrong, and I’m sorry. I’ll come and get you, and we’ll go someplace and talk. Not here. Hell, we’ll go and find someplace else to stay for a few days. Please, Ben. Don’t go. Not like this.”

He sighed. “I think it’s better if I go.”

Tears stung her eyes as she waited for him to continue.

“There are a lot of things that we both need to think about, and being apart for a while might not be a bad thing.”

“You’re…will you promise to think about coming back for Christmas?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“I need to go. We’re boarding. I’ll text you when I land.”

“Ben—”

But he was gone.

Her body crumpled to the floor as she began to cry. Darcy was never one who fought crying. When she felt the need, she did it. But this cry was different. This was the kind of cry that shook her entire body and felt as if her soul was being ripped from her body.

How was she supposed to fix this? How could she make things right if he didn’t want to talk to her?

But more important, how was she going to survive if this was the end?

There was a soft knock on the door, and she wanted to yell at whoever it was to go away. The last thing she wanted to do was talk to anyone.

“Hey, Brooke mentioned… Oh my God! Are you okay?”

Great. Owen was here.

Instantly, her brother was at her side, crouching down and gently pulling her to her feet. He led her over to the sofa, made her sit, and then went to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Then he went and grabbed a box of tissues from the bathroom. Then he cleaned up the mess from her purse.

If nothing else, Owen was the king of waiting you out until you were ready to talk.

“Ben left,” she finally said when Owen sat down beside her.

He nodded. “The girls mentioned that the two of you had fought earlier.”

She nodded and explained it all to him. “I honestly didn’t think it was all such a big deal. I really didn’t. I mean, we’d talked about him wanting to turn over this new leaf, that he was going to stop hiding away and being such an introvert. So I don’t understand what changed!” she cried.

For a long moment, Owen said nothing. Then he shifted so he could face her. “Life is very different for people like you,” he began.

“People like me? What does that—”

He held up a hand to silence her. “You’re comfortable in your own skin. You’re social and confident, and even though you have your own insecurities, you never let them show. And to the rest of us, you present yourself as someone who is fearless.”

“But I’m not.”

Owen went on as if she hadn’t said a word. “For people like Ben—who, by the way, I can totally relate to—social interactions are difficult. Bordering on painful. It’s one thing to want to change who we are, but it’s another to actually do it. When Ben said he wanted to change that part of himself, he didn’t mean overnight or all at once. Things like that take time.”

And that’s when she realized what she’d done, what she’d asked of him.

What she’d forced upon him.

“I didn’t give him the time.”

Owen shook his head. “No, you didn’t. When Brooke and I first met, she was far more social than I was. She had an ease and grace about her that I envied. My whole life, I wished I could be more like that, but she was the one who finally drew it out of me.”

“That’s what I’m trying—”

“Brooke was patient. She didn’t push.”

Darcy sighed and flopped back on the couch to lie down. “You know we’re not patient people, Owen. Well, you are. But not the rest of us. It’s genetic or something.”

“Studies have shown that—”

“Not the time for statistics!” she interrupted. “That’s not helpful right now.”

With a sigh of his own, he leaned back against the cushions. “It’s all I’ve got,” he said simply. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do or say in this kind of situation.”

“I know.” She flung her arm over her eyes and wished she could start the day over.

“You can’t change who you are any more than Ben can change who he is. You are impulsive and excitable and passionate about the things you want and believe in. He’s a private and intellectual person who is passionate about the things he wants and believes in. You have to find the right balance, and it’s not something that just happens, Darcy. It takes work.” He paused. “Can I make an observation?”

She lifted her arm and glared at him. “I thought that’s what you were already doing.”

“Well, this one might make you mad.”

Again, she just glared as she watched him swallow hard and move away from her a bit.

“You have a tendency to not work.”

Sitting straight up, she punched him in the arm. “I work! I have a job. I’ve always had a job.”

“Ow!” Grabbing his arm, Owen got to his feet. “I wasn’t referring to a job,” he explained, and Darcy couldn’t help but notice the annoyance in his voice.

Okay, that was new.

“I’m talking about in every other aspect of your life. You don’t work, Darcy. You run away. You make a joke. You…you punch people in the arm!”

“Okay, that was wrong of me. I’m sorry.”

“And you throw out apologies without really feeling them.”

She got to her feet. “Now wait a minute…”

“I’m not scared of you!” he shouted even as he took a step back. “And that’s another thing you do. You intimidate to get your way. You do everything except actually work at making things right. You look for the easy way out, and if you are serious about Ben, if you’re in love with him and want to build a life with him, you’re going to have to work for it. Do you understand that?”

Holy shit. Who was this man, and what happened to her mild-mannered scientist brother?

Owen took a tentative step toward her. “I am so relieved that Brooke didn’t give up on me. She had every reason to. I was insecure and…and so comfortable in the safe life I had created for myself that I didn’t realize how miserable I was. And Ben, well, he lives alone, works alone, and he’s not close to his family. And that’s not a crime, Darcy. Not all families are like ours.”

“I know. I was just so excited that he was here and everyone liked him that I thought—”

“Brooke’s not close with her parents, and she lost her only brother, and they weren’t close growing up, either. It was hard for her to understand the dynamics of our family and feel comfortable with everyone. Don’t you remember the first time she came here?”

Darcy chuckled. “Aidan and Hugh were jerks to her.”

“Exactly. She flat-out told me she didn’t want to be around my family. Ever. It was devastating to me because, well, you guys are everything to me. How was I supposed to choose?”

“And if you remember correctly, you chose her and left,” Darcy said and then gasped. “I…oh shit.”

He nodded. “Granted, I didn’t stay away long, and everyone worked things out. I left because they were blatantly mean to Brooke. We all like Ben,” he went on. “He just needs a little more time to get comfortable.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if he never gets comfortable?”

Owen studied her for a long moment. “Then he’s not the right man for you.”

Well, damn. Those were not the words she wanted to hear.

Tears started to well up in her eyes again as she slowly sat back down. Owen was instantly at her side, taking her hand in his.

“All is not lost here, Darce. Don’t be in such a rush. Sometimes it’s okay to have time alone to get your head together and figure out what you want.”

“And get a tattoo?” she teased, because it was either that or cry.

He chuckled and tucked her in beside him, kissing her on the temple. “It certainly took my mind off how much I missed Brooke and how much I’d screwed up.”

“Physical pain can do that for you.”

He laughed again. “Such a brat. And for your information, Brooke thinks my tattoo is sexy.”

“Ew, please. I do not want to think about you being sexy. Just no.”

“Too bad. You know I only speak the truth,” he said with a grin. “So deal with it.”

She swatted him away and then pulled him back for a hug. “Thanks, Owen. I needed that.”

“So what are you going to do? Do you want to come back over to Aidan’s? We’re all talking about going out to dinner tonight.”

“Dude, it’s only two in the afternoon.”

“Closer to three, but we have to coordinate babysitters, because Dad and Martha have plans tonight.”

“I’m going to head back to Dad’s, I think. First, I need to clean up around here, but after that, I’m going to take some time to think.” She paused. “Besides, Ben said he’d text when he landed and maybe…maybe by then, he’ll want to talk to me.”

“Don’t push,” he reminded her.

Nodding, she replied, “I won’t. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m really going to try.”

“Good girl.” He stood and walked over to the kitchen table. “Brooke left her sunglasses here earlier, and she was afraid to come back over. That’s why I came.”

“So you drew the short straw?”

He laughed at the image. “Basically. But I’m glad I did.”

“Me too.”

* * *

It was good to be home.

That was what Ben kept telling himself as he settled back in. He texted Darcy when he landed and told her he’d call her tomorrow. Right now, all he wanted was to grab something to drink and head down to his workshop and just create.

The entire flight home, he had been picturing a design in his head—something for Anna’s bar—and he was anxious to see if he could create it. At the same time, he had come up with some ideas for Connor’s tree house.

Damn Shaughnessys. Even when he was away from them, they wouldn’t leave him alone.

A couple of snow flurries were blowing around as he made his way across the property. He made a mental note to catch a forecast so he’d know what kind of weather to expect this week. Not that it mattered—he had no plans other than to hole up and work.

No distractions.

Yeah, right.

The truth was he had a feeling even if he didn’t bring a phone with him, he was going to be distracted by his own damn thoughts. Of Darcy. Of family. Of jobs.

And what could have been his future.

Stepping into the workshop, he felt all the tension start to leave his body. The smell of the wood and oils was like a balm for him. Slowly, he walked around and touched several surfaces as he made his way back to the room where he kept some of his choice pieces of wood. He knew exactly what he was looking for—a long length of mahogany that would be perfect for what he was thinking for the bar. On the plane, he had sketched out the design, and he had it in his pocket, but he didn’t need it. It was vividly playing in his mind.

Taking the wood, he carefully maneuvered it and brought it out to the workbench. It took a few minutes to clean it off, and then he picked up the nearest straight chisel and mallet, turned on the radio, and started to work. With every piece of wood he chipped away, Ben felt a sense of excitement. Song after song played on the radio as a plain, rectangular piece of wood transformed into something ornate and beautiful. He felt as if he was uncovering some sort of hidden treasure, and with every layer he carved away, he was closer to finding it.

God, how he loved the challenge!

His back ached, his hands were shaking, and his stomach growled noisily. Taking a step back from the bench, Ben looked up at the clock and was certain he was hallucinating. Three a.m.? How had that happened? Carefully, he put the tools down. More than half the piece was well on its way to being what he wanted it to be. He yawned and stretched and felt a great sense of satisfaction.

It was an incredible feeling. He couldn’t wait to show Darcy and…

Shit.

Scrubbing a hand over his weary face, he made his way back to the house. The plan was to make himself something to eat and grab a couple of hours of sleep. Midway through his peanut butter and jelly sandwich, he could hardly keep his eyes open. Stumbling to the bedroom, he knew it was foolish to have stayed up so late, but he couldn’t regret it.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his phone on the dresser and saw someone had texted him. He didn’t doubt for one minute who it was, but he was too damn tired to respond.

He’d do it later.

Or at least that was his plan. When Ben woke up six hours later, he felt like hell. Six hours was about the norm for him, and yet he still felt like he could sleep for another ten. Unwilling to give in to that, he got up, showered, and made himself a real meal before heading out to the workshop.

He was anxious to look at the piece and see if it really was as good as he thought or if his tired brain had been playing tricks on him. By the time he realized he didn’t have his phone with him, he was too engrossed in his work to stop.

Around four in the afternoon, he went back up to the house. His need for something to eat had him unable to work any further. With a bowl of chili heating in the microwave, he went and got his phone.

Four texts and three missed calls from Darcy, along with two missed calls from Henry.

In the background, the microwave beeped, alerting him his meal was ready, but Ben called Darcy first.

“Hey, you,” she said breathlessly when she answered the phone. “Are you okay? I…I’ve been calling—”

“I was down in the workshop and forgot my phone,” he said, quickly interrupting her. Doing his best to multitask, he went to the kitchen and grabbed the steaming bowl from the microwave and then added his toppings while they talked. “And then I got so involved in what I was doing that I lost track of time and…sorry.”

He heard her soft sigh. “It’s okay. I thought…I was kind of afraid you were avoiding me.”

“When I get in the zone on a project, I tend to lose track of time,” he said as he sat down. “I really am sorry.”

They were silent, and Ben took a spoonful of the chili and almost cursed at how hot it was.

“So what are you working on? I didn’t think you had any pieces scheduled until after the holidays.”

Ben told her about his idea for Anna’s bar. “I’ll send you some pictures when I go back out there, but promise me you won’t show them to Anna yet. I’d rather she see it when it’s closer to completion.”

“Ooh, she’s going to be so excited! I can’t wait to see it.”

And he knew she was being sincere, not just saying it to make him feel good. Why? Because she understood him and his work, and that was a rare gift. Was he seriously going to let that slip through his fingers?

“What about you? What are you doing today?” With the time difference, he knew her work day was over, and he sat back and ate his dinner while listening to Darcy talk about her day—working with Aidan and how much she was ready to be done with it.

And as much as he hated to bring up the subject, he had to know. “How about the job search? Have you heard anything yet?”

She was silent, and with Darcy, that was rarely a good sign. “I did.”

“And?” he prompted.

“I have an interview in Seattle next week,” she said quietly, which surprised Ben. He thought for sure she’d sound more excited about it. His heart sank.

“That’s great, right?” he said cautiously.

“Yes, of course. Of course it is. It’s in retail, but…but that’s okay for now.”

And just like that, he knew. She was doing this for him, not because it was right for her.

Suddenly, his appetite was gone. Pushing the bowl away, he got up and walked to the wall of windows and looked out at his property. This was his home, where he wanted to be. And as much as he loved the glimpse of the life he could have with Darcy, it wasn’t meant to be. They were too different. Too set to follow paths that were really never meant to meet.

What kind of man would he be if he stopped her from following her dream? He couldn’t live with himself if he did that.

He loved Darcy too much to ask that of her.

“Look, Darcy, are you sure about this? Because you don’t sound that way.”

“Ben,” she said, her voice going trembly, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and soothe her. “Yes, I want a job doing PR, but I want you more.”

And with his heart in his throat, Ben did his best to block the image of her face from his mind.

“Darcy, listen to me. Sure, it would be great in the beginning if you came to live with me and we could be together all the time. But how long would it take for you to realize that you were miserable and start blaming me? If anyone had tried to stop me from pursuing my dream, I would have resented it.”

“I don’t understand. You said you wouldn’t come to New York if I worked there, and we—”

“Darcy,” he interrupted softly, then paused to consider his words. “I’ve learned a lot over the last two months, and I can’t do this. My life is here and…and I don’t want to keep traveling, and I enjoy my privacy. All that time with your family? It was exhausting. It’s not something I can handle all the time. I’m sorry.”

“Wait, you’re breaking up with me? Seriously?”

“I barely tolerate my own brothers,” he went on and then silently vowed to call his brothers because, well, he wanted to rectify that. “We’re not close, and seeing them in New York was great, but that will tide me over for another six months or so.”

“It shouldn’t be like that!” she argued. “You seemed to have so much fun when we were together, and they want to be closer with you, but you keep fighting them on it.”

“I’m not fighting them, Darcy,” he said, trying to sound reasonable. “It’s just different for me. We saw each other, and it was fun. What’s wrong with that?”

“But family is…family is everything! I’m not saying you have to be joined at the hip with your brothers, but you should be a part of each other’s lives. You should talk to them and share what’s going on with you and care about what’s going on with them. You’re not alone in your grief, Ben. You need to make peace with it, with losing your parents. If you would just open your eyes, you’d see—”

“You’re a fine one to talk about that,” he snapped.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Tell me, have you made peace with your mom? Have you made peace with the fact that she’s not here or that you have all kinds of family issues because of her?”

“I do not have—”

“Yes, you do!” he cried out. “You’re still searching for some perfect family scenario, Darcy. You cling to your family like they’re the key to everything in your life, and at the same time, you blame them for all that’s wrong with it.”

“That’s just normal stuff, Ben,” she said with exasperation. “We all have family issues to some degree. But you’re cutting off a part of your life because your parents aren’t here anymore.”

“And I say you’re afraid to be away from your family because you have abandonment issues because of your mom.”

“How dare you? I enjoy being with my family, and you would enjoy being with yours if—”

He sighed with frustration. “I can’t be like you and your family. I don’t want to be.”

“Then that’s your loss,” she said scornfully. “And it makes me sad. How could you not see that?”

“Because this is who I am!” he shouted. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you! I thought I could change, thought I wanted to change. But I don’t. I enjoy my solitude. I like not having to check in with anyone. I don’t expect you to understand it, and I already know you don’t like it, but it’s not going to change. I’m not going to change. How long will it be before you resent me for that too?”

Silence.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “More than you’ll ever know. But this is for the best. You are going to do amazing things with your life. You’re going to travel and prove to the world how brilliant you are. You don’t need someone holding you back.”

Still, she didn’t speak.

“Go and take on the world, Darcy,” he said softly. “Show them what you’re made of.”

He heard her sob, but she didn’t respond.

“Someday, someone’s going to appreciate all that makes you special. And you are.” He stopped there, because his throat clogged with emotion, and he felt the unfamiliar sting of tears. “And he’s never going to want to let you go.”

Another sob.

“Take care of yourself.”

And as he hung up the phone and watched the screen fade to black, it felt a lot like his own life.

All of it had just left him.

* * *

“I know you didn’t want to go out, but you needed to.”

Looking at Anna, all Darcy could do was nod. It had been four days since Ben had ended things with her, and she still felt numb.

“What can we do? Tell me what we can do to help you.”

They were sitting in a booth at Anna’s pub along with Zoe, and as much as Darcy knew she should eat, all she could do was push the food around on her plate. “I don’t know. I wish I did.”

Anna studied her for a long moment. “Can I say something?”

Without looking up, she nodded again.

“Do you remember how much you used to wish you could move away from here?”

Another nod.

“It wasn’t so bad, right?”

She sighed and looked up. “It’s not about logistics, Anna. It’s…it’s about his heart. Ben is not a family-oriented person. I could have handled living in Washington. Hell, I actually wanted to move there. It’s beautiful and peaceful, and I love his house. But to tell me that he can’t handle my family?” She shrugged. “That’s something that can’t be overcome. I just…I can’t.”

Reaching across the table, Anna squeezed Darcy’s hand. “I understand. I hate it for you, but I get it.” She paused. “Although…”

“Although what?”

Anna waved her off. “You know what? It’s nothing. Don’t mind me.”

“No, come on. You clearly had something to say there. Out with it.”

“I don’t know. Think of the whole situation. I mean, you already knew he wasn’t close with his brothers. He doesn’t hate them; he just doesn’t feel the need to see them all the time. There’s no crime in that. I love Bobby, but it’s not like I’m counting the seconds until I see him again.”

“Isn’t he still here?”

Anna nodded. “If anything, I’m counting the seconds until he goes home.”

Darcy couldn’t help it. That made her laugh. “Anyway…”

“Anyway, it just seems odd to me that he had such a complete turnaround in how he felt about your family. Maybe there’s something else going on.”

“Like what?”

Zoe chimed in. “Okay, I know this is going to come out weird, but bear with me.” She paused. “You have a very unique way of dealing with your family, Darce. A lot of it has to do with your mom, but maybe you’re clinging too much to this sense of needing to be close together in order to be close.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand.” A small twinge of unease began in her belly, because she did understand, or she was trying to. This was eerily similar to what Ben had said to her.

Anna looked at Zoe and then back at Darcy. “You know that your family is closer than most, right?”

Darcy nodded.

“Not all families are like that. Living close together doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a close family. Does that make sense?”

“I guess, but…”

Zoe spoke up again. “In the time I’ve known you, you’ve been all over the place where your family is concerned. You hate living so close to them, then you hate being far away. You hate how everyone knows your business, but then you hate when people aren’t involved in your life. You need to find some balance.”

“Well, I hope we’ll have some now. I mean, eventually Dad and Martha will get married, and everything will be balanced.”

Anna and Zoe looked at each other and then back at her. “Balanced?” Anna asked. “How?”

“You know, because then we’ll be a complete family. Honestly, I don’t know if I would want to move away once we’re finally all together.”

“Um, I hate to say this, but we’re not,” Zoe said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Riley and Savannah don’t live here. They’re firmly settled in California. And Hugh and Aubrey aren’t exactly right around the corner,” Zoe reminded her. “And lastly, Ian and Martha? If they get married, it will be about them. Not the family.”

“I agree,” Anna said. “Ian and Martha getting married would be to complete them. Martha’s not a substitute for your mom or to make your family whole. It would be because he fell in love with her and she makes his life complete.”

And in that instant, Darcy’s heart squeezed so hard that she felt as if she couldn’t breathe. All around her, voices became like a loud buzzing in her head. She felt hot and then cold. Her vision blurred, and she realized her eyes were filling with tears.

“Darcy? Sweetie, are you all right?” Anna asked, her voice laced with concern.

As hard as she tried, Darcy couldn’t give her a verbal response, so she simply nodded. Then she reached for her purse and fumbled with it as she put money down on the table.

“I have to go,” she whispered. “I…I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

Zoe and Anna stood and called out to her, but she kept moving. Weaving through the lunch crowd, Darcy did her best to get out the door, to get air. Once she was outside, she wasn’t sure where she wanted to go or what she was going to do. She gulped in the fresh air and tried her best to calm her rapidly beating heart.

What the hell was wrong with her?

But she knew.

Walking as fast as she could, she got to her car and quickly pulled out of the parking lot. She had driven with Zoe, but she’d apologize to her later.

Part of her was screaming to speed out of town, to put her foot to the floor and go. But another told her to be reasonable. She could barely see through the tears that had begun to fall, and the last thing she wanted to do was cause an accident. She drove aimlessly—and slowly—through the heart of town, and by the time she hit the back roads, she was able to wipe the tears away and see.

A shaky breath came out as everything came into focus. She wished she could just call Ben and get this all out. Share with him all her crazy fears and anxieties.

And to tell him that he was right. She was clinging to her family for all the wrong reasons.

He would listen, and she knew he’d make her feel better.

But he wouldn’t understand.

Hell, she barely understood.

So where did that leave her?

Darcy slowed the car and realized that the answer was right in front of her.

Turning the car, she drove slowly up the single lane, past the large oak tree on the left and past the fountain surrounded by wildflowers on the right. She could drive this route with her eyes closed; she’d been here so many times.

But this was the first time she’d done it alone.

She parked and then sat for a minute and tried to figure out what it was she was supposed to do. Say.

“Only one way to find out,” she murmured as she climbed from the car. It was twenty-seven steps. She’d counted them often enough. And she was counting them now. When she came to a stop, she turned, looked down, and smiled. “Hi, Mom.”

It was weird saying those words out loud. She’d never done it before. Every time she’d come to the cemetery, she’d been with her father and brothers, and they all talked to her silently. Only her father spoke—he would share stories of what everyone was doing and how everyone was—but after that, it was silent prayer time. So to be standing here and talking? It felt strange.

With no one else around, Darcy slowly lowered herself to the grass and sat at what she guessed were where her mother’s feet were. And that felt odd. Then she mentally yelled at herself to quit focusing on what was weird about this and simply talk.

“So this is new, huh?” she said, her voice small and trembling. “I bet you’re wondering why I’m here. I think I am too. I can’t believe I’ve never done this before. I’m sure you’re disappointed that I never did, and I’m sorry. I should have. When I was little, I had an excuse—couldn’t drive. But once I got older, I should have come.” A sob came out before she could stop it. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t. I’m a terrible daughter, right?”

A light breeze blew, and Darcy pulled her sweater tight around her. The weather had been unseasonably warm, so there hadn’t been a need for a winter coat, but right now, she wished she had one.

“I know if you were here you’d probably be telling me that I’m not terrible, but you’d be saying it because that’s the kind of thing moms say. You’d say something to make me feel better, but you shouldn’t. It was selfish and inconsiderate of me. And if you asked any of your sons, they’d tell you it was typical of me.” She paused and let herself cry some more. “I’m not someone you would be proud of, Mom. I am selfish, and I’ve outgrown being so inconsiderate, but I was for a long time. And I didn’t even realize that I was that way. No one told me. No one tried to correct me.”

Self-loathing filled her as she drew her knees up to her chest.

This was so much harder than she’d imagined.

“I’m so lost right now. Just when I thought I was getting my life in order, it all fell apart again. I keep grasping for that one thing that’s going to make it all right, that’s going to make everything fall into place and…and it’s always just out of my reach.” She sighed. “I thought if Dad got married, it would happen—like everything would fall into place for me. For our family. And that was so wrong. For starters, there was never anything wrong with our family. You raised five amazing sons, and you married an incredible man who held us all together when you were gone, and I don’t think I ever appreciated that. I was so busy focusing on what I was missing that I didn’t consider thanking him for all he was doing.

“He’s so strong, Mom. And I know it’s probably so weird for you to know that he’s dating and all, but he’s happy. He’s really, really happy. It’s so good to see him smiling and laughing, and I’m telling you, he looks ten years younger. Easily.”

More tears fell as Darcy stared straight ahead and looked at her mother’s headstone.

Lillian Grace Shaughnessy. Beloved wife and mother.

How many times had she stood here and read that and it hadn’t really registered? How often had she talked about her mother without letting it sink in that she was a real person? That she was never going to see her, meet her, or talk to her?

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I have to say this. Actually, I think I’ve needed to say this for a long time.” She took a steadying breath and braced herself for…something. “I was mad at you. I was so damn mad at you for not being here.” She sobbed loudly and didn’t care who—if anyone—heard. “My whole life, I’ve been angry at you, and even though I know it’s not your fault, I can’t help the way I feel. I listen to Aidan and Hugh and everyone talk about these amazing things that you used to do, and I feel…cheated. Why did I have to be born so late? Why didn’t I get to do any of those things with you?”

Off in the distance, Darcy saw another car driving down the road, saw other people bringing flowers to loved ones.

“I never admitted that to anyone,” she said as she furiously wiped away her tears. “I always knew it was wrong to feel that way and that people would think I’m a terrible person if I said it, but I needed to finally say it. I was afraid if I said it—if people really knew that I thought like that—they’d leave me. For a time, I thought it was why you left me—because you knew I was a bad daughter. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for thinking like that. I know now, and I understand that you would be here if you could. And you need to know that I would give anything for that to happen.”

She cried some more. She cried until there were no more tears left.

“I didn’t bring you flowers,” she said sadly. “In my defense, I didn’t realize I was coming here, but I should have brought you flowers. Daisies. I know they’re your favorite.” Another pause.

“I met someone,” she said, trying to sound cheery. “His name is Ben and he’s…he’s everything. He’s an artist, and he does the most incredible things with wood. And he lives in this cabin in Washington state.” She paused and let her mind wander to the cabin. “I would love to live there. Which I think is going to cause some major fights with everyone, but I really would. I spent so many years being forced to be close to home, and then I spent a couple of years wanting to be away, and here I am again. But to be with Ben? I’d live on the other side of the country. Pretty crazy, huh?”

Her head fell back, and she let the sun shine down on her for a minute. Straightening, she went on. “But that all fell apart, and I don’t know how to move on from it. I don’t know how to get over losing him. My heart…my heart is broken, and it hurts so much.”

A strong wind blew, and she shivered with it.

It made her think about her time at Ben’s cabin, how cold it had been and how she swore that she hated it, but right now she’d give anything to be there with him. Cold or no cold, she just wanted to be with him. She wanted to talk to him about her hopes, her dreams…and hopefully, their future. Darcy knew she was strong enough to fight for him, for them. She’d had time to think about everything he said to her, and coming here today to talk to her mother had been the right thing to do. She felt stronger, more at peace than she’d ever felt in her life. And as soon as she got home, she was going to call Ben and tell him.

But she needed to finish something first.

“I love you, Mom,” she said and realized it felt good to say it out loud. “I miss you every single day, and I want you to know that I am going to do everything humanly possible to make you proud.”

Slowly, she got to her feet and stepped in close to the marble headstone. She kissed her fingers and then laid them on the cold stone. “Thank you for being my mom. And I promise you, I’m going to come and visit more, and I’m really glad that I came here today.” She paused and ran her hand along the top of the marble. “I’m not mad anymore. I wish I could take back all the years that I was, but I can’t. I have to deal with that. But even when I was mad, I always loved you. And I always missed you. And I can only hope that you’re looking down on me right now and know…” Tears welled up again, and her throat tightened. “I love you.”

In a perfect world, there would be a response, a sign of some sort that Lillian heard her. The only thing that Darcy knew was that her heart felt full and yet light for the first time in weeks.

Maybe that was her sign.

She smiled at the headstone and then smiled up at the sky.

And then slowly made her way back to her car.