Chapter 12

“Son of a bitch!”

There was nothing worse than the sting of a sharp metal blade cutting through skin. And as he let out a string of curses, he made sure anyone within a five-mile radius knew it too.

He knew the drill. It happened often enough. Still cursing, he applied pressure to his hand and made his way across the dusty workshop to pull out the first aid kit. Within minutes, he had managed to slow down the bleeding even as he pulled out the supplies he needed to clean up and cover the wound.

Looking down at the newest cut, he grimaced. At this rate, he wasn’t going to be able to finish any of the work that was strewn across his workshop. His focus was off, and he was making careless mistakes. Once his hand was bandaged, he put the supplies away and put the case back in the cabinet. Leaning against the workbench, he let out a shaky sigh.

Something had to give.

He was killing himself—barely eating, barely sleeping—and for what?

There was a simple solution to all of it. All he had to do was call Darcy and tell her he was wrong. That he needed her, wanted her, couldn’t live without her. And while he knew it would help set things right, he knew he was still in the same predicament he was a week ago. He was still someone who was hiding from his past, his family, his life. It would be wrong to ask her to make peace with her life when he couldn’t do the same with his own.

Shaking his head, he turned and walked across the room, where he flipped off the light switch and walked out into the fading light. The cold Washington air hit him first, and it was such a contrast to the heat of the workshop that it felt as if he’d walked into a wall. It took the air right from his lungs, and he almost welcomed the sting.

Once he was in the house, he sat down on the bench and took off his coat, pulled off his shoes, and sighed. The quiet was killing him. When he stood, he looked around and saw all of the things that were familiar to him—pictures on the wall, the furniture—and sighed again. There were still traces of his grandparents here but nothing of his parents.

How was that possible?

Walking up to the main level, he looked around again. The afghan on his couch was made by his grandmother. The rocking chair in the corner was made by his grandfather. He had made sure to keep those things, because they reminded him of his childhood.

And yet he’d put everything that belonged to his parents in storage.

Out of sight.

Jack and Henry had taken a few things with them when they moved, but Ben had not wanted the reminders around him. His heart beat fast until it felt like he’d run a marathon. At the time, he’d thought it would be too painful to have things that belonged to his parents around him, thought that out of sight meant out of mind. But he was wrong. So, so wrong. All it had done was hold his emotions at bay. It kept him locked in a suspended sense of time.

And he knew that if he didn’t do something about it, he was never going to move forward. He was never going to have peace.

He was never going to have a life.

Forcing himself to breathe, he pulled his phone from his pocket and stared at the screen. Christmas was in four days. He’d worked through the anniversary of his parents’ death just like he had every year. What kind of son did that make him?

He swiped the screen, pulled up Jack’s number, and hit Send.

“Hey, Ben!” Jack said, sounding pleasantly surprised. “What’s up?”

Where did he even begin?

“I…I’m calling to say I’m sorry.”

Jack was silent for a moment before slowly saying, “O-kay. For what?”

It was going to sound crazy, he was sure, but he needed to just jump in with both feet and get it all out. “For everything,” he replied gruffly. “I’ve been a shitty brother, and I just want you to know that I thought I was being strong. I thought that if I just ignored all the memories that it would help me to keep going. I didn’t realize how it was affecting all of us—our relationship. The times that I spend with you and Henry mean the world to me, and I’m always afraid to acknowledge that because—”

“Because it scares you,” Jack said solemnly. “I know. Believe it or not, Ben, I feel the same way. I think I’ve tried to cling to you and Henry because you’re all I had. I mean, not anymore—I have Donna now too—but you guys are my only tie to Mom and Dad. And it hurts when you refuse to talk about them or celebrate the holidays because of them.”

“I know. I know…I need to work on that.”

“It’s not too late,” Jack said, and Ben could hear the smile in his voice. “You still have four days until Christmas.”

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “I said I need to work on it, but I can’t just jump in and do it on such short notice. Besides, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”

“I’m sure Darcy could help.”

And that’s when he realized that he never even talked to anyone about breaking up with Darcy. “Uh, yeah. Not so much. At least, not this Christmas.”

“Uh-oh. What did you do?”

Ben sat down on the sofa and told Jack all about the trips to North Carolina, the Shaughnessys, and his eventual fight with Darcy.

“So you purposely picked a fight with her?” Jack asked.

“Yup.”

“And you haven’t talked to her since?”

“Nope.”

“You’re an idiot. You realize that, right?”

“I’ve been telling myself that same thing for days.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m hoping to finally get my head out of my ass and convince her to take me back.”

Jack laughed hysterically. “Damn! I don’t think I’ve ever heard you like this—so honest! It’s kind of cool. So how are you going to do it?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. Calling you needed to come first. I love Darcy, but my relationship with you and Henry needs to be my top priority here.” Then he smiled. “She helped me to understand that, and I know it’s what she’d want me to do. Next, I’m going to call Henry. I miss you guys, and next time you’re both here, I’d like us to go through Mom and Dad’s stuff that’s in storage. I think it’s time that we dealt with it and everyone takes what they want and then…”

“We let the rest go,” Jack said quietly. “Yeah. I know.”

“But we need to do it together. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Nodding, Ben realized that this was a good thing, a good first step.

“Can I make a suggestion?” Jack asked.

“Sure.”

“Henry can wait. Hell, I’ll call Henry and give him a heads-up that you’re going to call. You need to call Darcy. Now,” he added with a small laugh. “Don’t wait, man. It’s Christmas, and you both deserve to be happy.”

“I…I want to. I really do. There’s just no way to make it all work in time.”

“No one says you have to be in the same place for Christmas—although that would be awesome. But at least talk to her and apologize and make sure she’s all right. Then you can work out travel arrangements and all that crap. The important thing is that you take the first step.”

And then an idea hit him.

One that—if he could make it work—would be the real proof that he was ready.

“There’s actually another step I need to take first,” Ben said cautiously.

“A step before the first step?”

“Yeah,” he said with a low laugh. “Something like that.” Taking a steadying breath, he said, “What if…what if we spent Christmas together here? Just the three of us, and celebrate a Christmas like we did when we were kids. We’ll pull out the old ornaments and make some of Mom’s recipes and all go together to the cemetery on Christmas Day. What do you think?” Jack was so quiet that Ben feared the line had gone dead. “Jack?”

Jack cleared his throat, and when he started speaking, Ben could hear the emotion there. “I think that would be amazing. I think Mom and Dad would really like that.”

Ben let out a sigh of relief. “Darcy was always encouraging me to call you. You and Henry. And I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t believe that she knew what she was talking about. But you know what? She did. She was right.” Then he laughed a little more. “Damn, I…I am really glad that I called you, Jack.”

“Finally!” His brother laughed with him. “Things are going to get better, right? We’re going to put in the effort to be more involved in each other’s lives, right?”

“Absolutely,” Ben agreed.

“Darcy’s a pretty smart woman. You better not let her get away.”

Her face popped into his mind, and he smiled. “Tell Henry I’ll call him later,” Ben said right before he said goodbye and hung up.

He had hope.

He felt good.

* * *

When she got in her car, her phone was ringing.

“Oh my God, where are you? Where did you go? Are you okay?”

Anna.

Darcy smiled, but she was too anxious to be on the phone with someone else. “I’m good. I really, really am,” she said with a giddiness that had her feeling like anything was possible.

“You scared the hell out of us!”

“I know and I’m sorry, but I—” She stopped when her phone beeped with another call. “Hang on.”

Zoe.

Switching the call over, she answered.

“Hey, Zoe! Listen, I—”

“Do you have any idea how you freaked us out? The whole family is out looking for you and—”

“Okay, okay, hang on. I’ve got Anna on the other line. I’m okay. Call off the dogs! I promise to call you back.” With another laugh because this was her crazy life, she switched back over to Anna. “Sorry, that was Zoe.”

“Now I’ve got Quinn on the other line. You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. I was about to call—” Her phone beeped with another incoming call. “Son of a bitch!” she yelled and then laughed. “Hang on again.”

“I’m just gonna hang up…” Anna was saying, but Darcy wasn’t really paying attention.

This time, she didn’t even look at the screen. She simply swiped and answered. “I’m fine, okay? Everyone can stop freaking out, because I’m really okay. I freaked out, and I went for a long drive. I’m at the cemetery, but I’ll be home soon. I promise.”

“How soon?” a deep, male voice replied.

Ben!

“As soon as I can get a flight,” she said as she sighed happily.

His rich, wonderful laugh only added to her happiness. “Hey, you,” he said softly.

“Hey.”

“Why are you answering the phone at the cemetery?”

Oh yeah…that.

“I was here visiting my mom after having a mini meltdown while out with Anna and Zoe. I left the phone in the car while I was…you know…and when I got back in here, it was ringing. First, it was Anna checking on me, then Zoe, and it turns out everyone’s looking for me, so when you rang in, I thought it was someone else trying to find me.”

“It was,” he said, his voice serious, solemn. “I’m trying to find my girl so I can apologize and beg her to forgive me.”

Turning on the car and the heat, Darcy couldn’t help but smile. “You want to know something funny?”

“Right now?”

She laughed. “Especially right now.”

“I…I guess.”

“I was just getting in the car to call you to apologize. Funny, right?”

“Darcy, you have nothing to apologize for. What happened was…it was all my fault. I’m so sorry for the things I said.”

“We both said things in the heat of the moment, but I think they were things that had to be said. That’s why—”

“No,” he interrupted. “I never should have lashed out at you the way that I did. Never. I was so stuck in my own head and thinking of how I want things to be, but that way? The way I was thinking? Was so wrong! You helped me to see that.”

“I…I did?”

“Yes. God, Darcy, you have no idea,” he began and then let out a dismal laugh. “For years, I’ve been living in my own little world with blinders on. I kept my focus on one thing and one thing only, because I didn’t want to think about anything else. I didn’t want to think about my parents or my family, because it hurt too much. And other than the occasional ribbing from my brothers, I was able to stay in my protective little bubble.

“Then you came along,” he went on. “And you came into my life and my home, and you questioned every single thing that I did—”

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” she argued lightly.

“It was exactly like that,” he said, but there was no condemnation there. “At first, it was because we were working together, but the more time we spent together, I came to realize that it’s just who you are, and it’s one of the things that I love about you. You push me, you challenge me, you make me feel. I had forgotten what it was like to let myself feel.”

“Oh, Ben.”

“Seeing you with your family? I realized that it bothered me so much because…because it was everything that I wouldn’t allow myself to have. You were all there for and supported one another, and it was just a stark reminder of what I wasn’t doing.”

“But you said that we spent too much time together.”

“Who am I to say what’s too much time? My family dynamic is different than yours—of that, there’s no doubt—but who’s to say that if my parents were still alive that we wouldn’t be more like yours?”

“Your family doesn’t have to be like mine,” she admitted. “Every family is different, and what I am really just coming to understand is you don’t have to all be close logistically, as long as you’re close emotionally. I’m hoping to put that theory to the test.”

“Is that right?” he asked, and she knew he was teasing her.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve been looking at jobs in Seattle and—”

“Before you go any further, can I just say something?”

She sighed dramatically. “I kind of feel like you’ve been doing most of the talking.”

“Let me just say this, and then it’s your turn. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“I still don’t want you taking a job that you hate just to be close to me. I want you here by me—more than you’ll ever know—but it has to be right for you.”

“And it will be—”

“Still talking,” he interrupted with a small laugh. “Anyway, what you did for Brooke? Could you maybe do that sort of thing for me?”

That was completely not what she was thinking at all. “Seriously? Don’t you already have a representative?”

“I do. But he hasn’t come up with anything beyond the book deal. He’s not thinking about other ways to get my name out there, and I think you know what I would do and what I wouldn’t do. I want someone who understands me.”

“Yeah, but you can share these ideas with him and see what he thinks.” Then she paused. “Or honestly, at this stage of the game—at least where the book is concerned—that’s your publicist’s concern. You do have a publicist, right?”

“Yeah, through the publisher. But I’m thinking beyond the book. I mean, what am I going to do after it? I want to keep doing work for private clients, but I would also like to have a gallery or something in Seattle to showcase my work year-round. I have no idea how to make that happen.”

Darcy’s heart began to pound rapidly. Was he serious? This was exactly the kind of thing she would love to do. It was so much fun doing it for Brooke, and to have the chance to help Ben do what he wanted and start living the life that he wanted…

“Wait. You’re not asking because you feel bad for me, are you?”

“What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Ben, I told you how I needed to find a job, and now you’re offering me a job. You have to admit it sounds like you’re doing the same thing.”

“No, I’m not. I’m ready to start a new phase of my career, and I believe you can make that happen for me. You understand me. You get me. And you’ve seen the way I work around here. I seriously need your help.”

It was like a dream come true. “You know this means you’d have to listen to me.”

“I am aware.”

“And I’m probably going to be bossy.”

“I’m more than ready for it.”

Her eyes stung a little with tears—happy ones this time. “And it means you’re going to have to see me all the time, because we’ll have to work very closely together.”

“That’s the part I’m looking forward to the most.”

“Me too. You have no idea.”

“I do. Come back to me, Darcy. Live with me. Work with me. Just love me.”

“I do, so much, Ben. But in all fairness, I need to tell you some things.”

“More than that you’re going to boss me around?” he teased.

She knew he was trying to lighten the mood, but he had bared his soul, and she thought it was only right for her to do the same.

“I was mad at my mom,” she said quietly, and she almost held her breath and waited for his reaction.

“O-kay.”

“That’s why I came here today. I mean, I’ve been coming to the cemetery my entire life, but I never came alone, and I never really talked to my mom.”

He was silent for a moment. “Never?”

“Never,” she repeated. “I thought it was weird, and I figured there was no point in it. But today I came here and talked to her. I actually yelled some and cried through a lot of it, but the point is, I made peace with myself about the whole thing.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“So much better,” she said with a shaky sigh. “I know that she would be here if she could. She didn’t leave me on purpose, and it’s not my fault that she’s gone. I struggled with that for a long time.”

“Why would it be your fault?”

“She was out getting a prescription for me,” she replied. “And in the back of my mind, I always thought that if I hadn’t been sick, then she never would have been out that day.”

“Oh, sweetheart, you can’t think like that.”

“It felt so good to say all those things out loud. Of course, it would have been great to get some answers, but someday I will, right?”

“I’d like to think so,” he said quietly.

If they were going to be okay, if they were going to be able to move forward, then she had to say what was in her heart. “You need to do it too, Ben. I’m not saying you need to go to the cemetery right now or at all, but you should talk to them. All of them.”

He was quiet, and she feared that she had offended him again and that he was going to argue with her.

“You want to know something funny?” he asked after a minute.

She chuckled. “Right now?”

“Especially right now,” he said, mimicking her earlier words.

“Go for it.”

“Right before I called you, I called Jack.”

“You did?” she asked excitedly. “How is he?”

“My brother is fine,” he answered. “But we had a good talk. A really good talk. And I told him that I was wrong for cutting myself off from him and Henry. We decided to try and have them come here for Christmas—to celebrate together and to celebrate our parents.” He told her of the plans he had just talked to his brother about.

“Oh, Ben, I love that. I think that is a wonderful idea.” She wanted to feel bad—especially since he had made this breakthrough with his family—but she was just so happy to hear his voice and know that things were on their way to becoming okay. But the selfish part of her was disappointed that they weren’t going to be spending Christmas together. “I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

If it were up to her, she’d be driving to the airport right now while telling her father to just pack up her stuff and ship it. It wasn’t possible, and if anything, it gave her a new outlook on this particular Christmas—it would be bittersweet.

It would be her last one alone.

Her last one as the odd-Shaughnessy-out.

Her last one without the man she loved.