“Do you love me?” Marissa asks as she gazes up at me. Her hand’s covering my heart, warming my skin from the cool fall breeze.

“I do.” I cover her hand with my own. “More than the stars in the sky above us.”

“Will you forget me?”

“How could I?”

She props herself up on her elbow, hovering above me. “You need to move on,” she says softly. “I can’t stay with you forever.”

I slide my hand against her cheek, cupping her face in my palm. “I want to be with you always.”

“I’ll always be here.” She presses softly against my chest. “Watching over you. But it’s time,” she tells me as her body starts to fade.

I gasp, sitting straight up, half asleep with tears streaming down my face. My dreams of Marissa have virtually stopped. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen her when I close my eyes. I’m both comforted and overcome with grief from the dream, feeling like I lost her all over again.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed, letting the tears fall to the floor. I feel such anger in this moment, wishing I could crawl back into the dream and hating myself for waking up.

“Come back,” I whisper into the darkness. “Just one more time.”

She’s never said those words to me before. Not in a dream, at least. It’s like she was saying goodbye again, ripping my heart into a million little pieces.

“Promise me, Angelo.”

The words she begged me to say come back to me, slamming into my chest like a sledgehammer. I would’ve promised her my celibacy if it meant she’d be happy. That’s all I ever wanted—besides her next to me.

The clock on the nightstand ticks over to midnight, and I know there’s no way I’m getting back to sleep anytime soon.

I grab my phone and tiptoe down the hallway, careful not to wake the kids. The screen flashes as I pour myself a glass of whiskey, and I collapse onto the couch.

Tilly: I can’t sleep. Sorry for the late text, but I was thinking of you.

I stare at the screen and take the first biting sip of whiskey, wondering if Marissa knows about Tilly and is doing something to push us together.

I’ve been at war with myself since this morning when Tate found us on the couch. Kissing Tilly was the closest thing to happiness I’ve felt since Marissa last lay in my arms. I spent half the day wondering if I should tell Tilly we needed to slow down, and I still hadn’t made a decision when I fell asleep.

I lean back into the couch, placing the whiskey on the table next to me and open Tilly’s text message.

“Is this what you want?” I look around the room like Marissa’s going to appear before I type out my reply.

Me: I can’t sleep either, and it was nice to wake up to your text.

I take another sip, waiting for Tilly’s reply, and try to shake off the sadness that’s settled in my soul from the dream of Marissa.

Tilly: I barely sleep anymore.

Me: Me either.

Tilly: The only night I’ve slept well was last night.

Her words hit me square in the chest. When we fell asleep on the couch, I couldn’t believe I didn’t wake up before Tate. I hadn’t slept in later than her in three years. I spent every night tossing and turning, reaching for Marissa, only to find nothing but emptiness.

Me: Me too, actually.

Tilly: Are we moving too fast?

I laugh and shake my head, realizing everything I’ve been feeling is normal. I’m not alone in my unease, or in finding the ability to move forward almost paralyzing.

Me: I don’t know, Tilly. All I know is that it feels right.

Admitting my feelings isn’t easy, but Tilly deserves truthfulness.

Tilly: Are the kids okay?

Me: Better than okay. Tate asked when you’re coming for breakfast again.

I had a long talk with Tate when I put her to bed. She had a million questions about Tilly. The little thing is enamored of the cupcake-slinging Southern belle. I tried to be open and honest, but I didn’t want to get her hopes up. I explained that Tilly and I are just friends, but I could tell by the way Tate was looking at me, she didn’t believe a word of it.

Tilly: I hope we didn’t confuse them.

Me: They’re bored with me. They miss having a woman in the house.

I do everything I can and am both the mother and father, but there are some things I fail at no matter how hard I try.

Tilly: They just like my cupcakes.

Me: I like your cupcakes too.

I add a winky face to the message before I hit send.

Me: I have the day off tomorrow. Want to grab dinner?

Tilly: I’m running behind on the shop. Can I let you know later in the day?

There’s a twinge in my chest, and for a second, I regret being so forward. But I know anything worth having is worth fighting for. Marissa was never one to let life pass by without seizing every moment. I need to at least try to carry out the wishes of my dying wife. I need to move forward instead of waiting for the few moments she comes to me in my dreams.

Me: What time are you going to be there?

Tilly: Probably nine. Why?

Me: I’ll come help. That way you can’t say no.

Tilly: I won’t turn down your muscle.

Tilly: That sounded way dirtier than I intended.

I laugh so loud, I cover my mouth because if the kids wake up, I’ll want to shoot myself.

Me: I am totally not offended.

Tilly: Phew. I was going to claim to be sleep-texting tomorrow if you were.

Me: I better let you get back to sleep.

Tilly: Get some rest too. You’ll be no good to anyone if you’re exhausted tomorrow.

Me: I’ll see you at nine.

Tilly: Goodnight, Angelo.

Me: Night, Tilly.

I turn off the screen to my phone and sip the whiskey until sleep finally takes me again.

Tilly hands me a cup of badly needed coffee. “Did you get any sleep last night?” she asks as she sits down across from me.

“A little,” I tell her, completely honest about my usual sleeping pattern.

“Dreams?” she asks.

“You have them?”

“About Mitchell?”

“Yeah,” I say, surprised she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

She nods and wraps her hands around the warm mug. “I used to have them often, but lately, they’re few and far between.”

“I had one of Marissa last night.”

“Ah,” she murmurs. “That’s why you couldn’t sleep.”

“I never really do. Well, not for long at least, but last night, she came to me.”

“What did she say?” Tilly gazes at me from across the table. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

I shake my head. “Usually, we talk about the kids or it’s a memory from our past, but last night was different.”

“Different how?”

“It was as if she was saying goodbye.” I glance down, staring at the wedding ring I haven’t been able to take off my finger. “I can’t shake the feeling that I’ll never see her again. I always had my dreams.”

Tilly reaches across the table and touches my arm. “I dreamed of Mitchell last night too. It’s been months since I’ve spoken to him.”

“Are we normal?”

She nods. “Completely.”

“Why did we both dream about them last night?”

Tilly shrugs with a pained smile. “Maybe because we both felt guilty about what happened.”

“I didn’t feel guilty kissing you, Tilly. Nothing has felt that right in so long.”

“We feel guilty in our joy, Angelo.”

I turn my hand over, capturing her fingers in mine. “You did make me happy,” I admit, caressing her skin with my thumb. “Happier than I’ve been in a long time.”

“Me too.” She glances down to our interlocked hands. “It’s easy to be with you. You don’t judge me when I talk about Mitchell, and that’s refreshing.”

“I’ve experienced what you did, Tilly. I’ve lived through the sadness no one else can understand.”

“I never dated because I didn’t want someone to feel they were competing with Mitchell,” she tells me, finally bringing her eyes back to mine.

“Many would find the memory too hard to compete with, but it’s not a competition. If it were, it would be unwinnable.”

Tilly reaches into her pocket and places an envelope on the table. “Roger gave this to me yesterday,” she says, pushing it next to our hands.

I stare down at the ivory paper, noticing the ink smeared from tears. “Do you want me to read it?”

“I want to share it with you. Although the words are meant for me, I think they’ll do you just as much good as they do me.”

I touch the paper, running my fingers over her name. “Are you sure?”

She nods. “I’m going to prep a few things before we get started. Finish your coffee and read it.”

“You don’t want to stay with me?”

She shakes her head. “I can’t. You’ll understand why when you read it.”

I give her a small smile before releasing her hand as she stands. “I won’t be long.”

She glances at me over her shoulder before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving me alone. I stare at the envelope as I drink my coffee, wondering if his words were meant to be shared. It feels almost sacrilegious for me to read his private thoughts and last words meant only for his wife.

I slowly unfold the letter and start to read.

My dearest Tilly,

There’s not a moment in the eternal blackness that I’m not thinking of you. I never meant to leave you so soon, I planned to spend my life loving you and sheltering you from pain.

Roger was instructed to give this letter to you after you finally took a step forward, going on your first date. While a part of me hopes you waited at least a few years, I pray you didn’t wait too long.

There’s nothing more important to me than your happiness. You are a creature that was never meant to be alone. You’re strong, Tilly. A constant source of strength for me since the day I laid eyes on you. I need you to find that strength to move on, to go forward, and find your piece of happiness again.

I can never be fully at rest knowing you’re alone. I’ve never loved someone as much as I loved you and never will again. But you’re alive, Til. Don’t forget that. Don’t let your soul die along with my body. Let your heart experience joy and love again. Let yourself be free.

Move on knowing I’m with you, watching over you, and doing everything in my power for you to find that happiness. Don’t think of a new relationship as throwing away a piece of us or cheating on the memory of our love.

I hope the man who has the good fortune to make you feel again is worthy and kind. Move forward without guilt or remorse. Live and love for me…for us.

There’s no greater joy than love. Follow your dreams and your heart. Love fiercely. Don’t be afraid when faced with the prospect of happiness again.

To honor my memory, to honor our vows, love again and live for me. Live for what we could’ve had and carry a piece of me with you, but don’t let it take away the lifetime of happiness you deserve.

Find someone who will treat you as I did. Who will love you harder and deeper than me. Go forward without guilt, knowing I’m smiling down on you, finally able to have peace wherever I am.

I will always be yours, but you are no longer just mine to have. I love you more than you’ll ever understand.

Move forward, baby.

Love again and never look back.

Eternally Yours,

Mitchell