The sun’s shining, and the sky is a brilliant blue for the first time in what seems like months. Birds are chirping above me, sounding just as happy as I feel to know spring’s right around the corner.

I spread one blanket on the grass and wrap another around me before sitting. “I needed to talk to you.”

I grab the broken twigs, gathering them into a neat pile to keep myself from falling apart. I can’t bring myself to look up, keeping my eyes focused on the wilted grass near the edge of the blanket instead.

“I met someone.” I pull the blanket tighter around me as the wind kicks up. “You’d like him.”

I hang my head, letting my eyes fill with tears. I’ve never been able to talk to him without crying, and today’s no different. I thought today would be easier. Moving on is supposed to be. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told.

“He’s honorable and kind, just like you, Mitchell.” I take a deep breath, finally letting myself look at his headstone.

“Roger gave me your letter the other day.” I pause, wishing he could talk back or I could get some sign that he’s at least listening.

I never thought much about life after death until Mitchell died, but since that moment, I’m always searching for him in the faint sounds in the stillness of the night.

“I haven’t been able to move on. In my heart, I’ll always be your wife even if you’re not here to be by my side.”

I pull his letter from my pocket and unfold the paper.

“Some days I can’t breathe when I realize this isn’t all some cruel joke and that you’re really gone.”

My eyes scan the paper as my fingers trace his handwriting. “I’ve waited five years to wake up from the nightmare, Mitchell. I know you’re never coming back.”

I don’t think I’ve ever said those words out loud before now. They were too painful. They still are, but somehow, I know they must be said.

“Angelo makes me feel alive again,” I tell Mitchell, but a part of me feels guilty for even the smallest amount of joy.

“This isn’t a goodbye, love. I could never say goodbye to you no matter how many years or how infinite the distance that separates us.”

I touch the headstone, flattening my palm next to his name. “I’m following the wishes of the letters you’ve left behind. I’m moving forward with my life. You should see the cupcake shop. You would’ve gotten a kick out of it, but I’m following my dreams.”

Jesus. I’m blabbering. I’m jumping around from topic to topic because focusing too much on Angelo doesn’t seem right, even if Mitchell says it’s okay.

“I’ll make you proud,” I promise him.

I sit there for an hour, cleaning away the winter debris from his gravesite and polishing his headstone. I used to come here weekly, but with planning the shop and the extremely cold winter, I haven’t been here in a month.

“I love you.” I climb to my feet. I back away, staring at his gravesite as a reminder of what I lost and my past. I know I need to move on, following the wishes Mitchell left behind for me.

“I will love you until my dying breath.”

“When are you seeing him again?” Roger never beats around the bush. He picks at a cupcake, eating the bottom before the top because he likes to save the best part until the end.

“Tomorrow. We’re having dinner.” I take the wrapper from his hand, trying to stay busy instead of focusing on our first real date.

We told each other pizza the other night counted, but we both knew it was a lie. I wasn’t nervous, knowing we were only friends, even if the chemistry was off the charts and the attraction undeniable.

“Where’s he taking you?”

“He’s cooking.”

Roger’s eyes widen. “The man knows you’re a baker, right?”

I motion toward the kitchen, a place Angelo’s been in at least a half a dozen times. “Uh, yeah. I think he got the message.”

“I don’t cook for you.”

I snort. “You’re kind of a shit cook. You’re really great at picking the right restaurant, though.”

Roger hops up on the table, making himself comfortable. “What’s he making?”

I shrug and go on mixing the latest batch of blueberry frosting. “He said it’s a surprise.”

“Are you going to shave everything?”

I gawk at Roger. “Are we really having this conversation?”

He nods. “You need to be prepared for all possibilities. Hell, get a Brazilian.”

I point the spatula at him. The man falls to his knees if he gets a paper cut. “Why don’t you get the hair ripped off your asshole and then we’ll talk, ’kay?”

Roger shivers. “Men aren’t meant to be hairless.”

“Neither is my pussy, buddy. I’ll trim.”

“It’s not the seventies, babe. Bush is not in, and no man wants a mouth full of fur.”

I shoot him a look over my mixing bowl. “How would you know?”

He gags. “I know when I get a hair stuck in my throat, it takes everything in me not to hurl right on the man.”

“Wait.” I stop what I’m doing and give him my full attention. “Do guys have hairy dicks?”

He laughs. “I’ve seen a few, but when their shit isn’t manscaped and it’s a mess down there, it’s an immediate no for me.”

“So, you just walk away? Just like that?”

He licks the top layer of frosting from his cupcake and closes his eyes. “This shit is bananas.”

“It’s blueberry,” I correct him. “Answer my question.”

“I meant it’s amazing.”

“Roger.”

“Fine. I don’t walk away when they have hair thicker than the densest forest. They can happily suck my dick, but I’m not returning the favor.”

“You’re a pig.” I fling a glob of frosting in his direction.

“Babe.” He laughs. “A pig wouldn’t care what a man has going on down there. They’d suck him off like he contains the last drop of water on earth. But me.” He touches his chest. “I’m a cock connoisseur, and I’ll only put the best in my mouth.”

“Fuck. You’re sick.”

“What was the last cock you saw besides my brother’s?”

I busy myself, avoiding answering that one because Roger would flip his lid if I told him the truth. There’s no way I’m divulging my sex life before Mitchell. No way in hell.

“Tilly,” he says. “The last cock.”

God, it’s so embarrassing. I can barely bring myself to even think about the answer, let alone voice it.

“Wait.” He hops off the table and stalks toward me, stopping just a few feet away. “Don’t say it.”

“I’m not.” I stare down at the blue frosting turning in the bowl.

“Did you see another cock besides Mitchell’s?”

“I’ve seen plenty.”

He puts his hands down on the steel island, and I can feel the weight of his stare without even looking up. “How many cocks have you seen?”

“Tons,” I say, way overstating the true reality.

“In person?”

“Well, yeah.” I mean, I saw them with my own eyes, but they may have been on the computer or television. Mitchell’s is the only dick I’ve actually seen live and in living color.

“Oh fuck. You were a virgin before Mitchell, weren’t you?”

I glance up, narrowing my gaze. “What’s so wrong with that?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Not even a handy or two to some poor schmuck in high school?”

I shake my head.

“Thirty years old and only one cock.” He says it like it’s the most unbelievable thing he’s ever heard.

“Yep.”

“Do you remember what to do?”

I drop the spatula in the mixing bowl and hang my head, trying not to laugh or cry. I’m on the verge of both, but I can’t seem to figure out which one best suits how I feel.

“I think I remember my way around a dick, Roger. They’re not that complicated.”

“True.”

“Plus, your brother never seemed to complain.”

“Eh,” Roger mutters. “When you love someone, nothing else matters.”

“Are you saying I was a bad lay?”

“I’m saying you can do no wrong. Calm your shit, woman. Just promise me you’ll be prepared for your date.”

I rub my forehead with the back of my hand and sigh. “What if I can’t do it?”

“It’s like riding a bike. If you have trouble, just let him take the lead.”

“No, Roger. I’m talking about what if I freeze up and can’t. Mitchell’s the only man I’ve ever been with, and what if my mind isn’t ready to take the next step?”

“Tilly.” He touches my arms, always comforting me. “If Angelo’s any kind of man, he’ll wait as long as you need. If he doesn’t, I’ll kick his ass so that he’ll never look at you again.”

“Don’t be an asshole.” I smack his chest. “I really like this guy.”

“Don’t worry about anything, babe. When the time’s right, it’ll happen. Just follow your heart, and you can never go wrong.”