Chapter 13
The Answer
Mike
“Mike?”
He knew Savannah was waiting. She’d asked her question, the question he always knew was coming, about a past that he knew he’d have to explain to her eventually. He’d wanted to, the first time they dated, but it wasn’t something that ever came up in casual conversation. He wasn’t up to opening himself to someone he didn’t know if he ever even fully had. It was different now. Even if they didn’t work out, they would always be Carter’s parents. She deserved to know where he had come from. Maybe not deserved, but she needed to know, needed to understand why he’d probably never be a good father.
“Yah… sorry.” He hedged, wanting to say something, but words eluded him. He tried several times to start, but only air came out. “Do you want a drink?” He finally asked, since he knew he needed a few minutes to try and get himself together.
“Uh…” Savannah’s eyes swept to his face. Her dark gaze met his, searching, kind, full of compassion that had never been there the first time they’d dated. She really had changed, really had grown up after having Carter. “Are you okay? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m sorry-”
“No.” He forced a hard swallow. “It’s alright. I just need some water. You?”
“Sure.”
He forced his legs into action and went into the kitchen. He found he could breathe there, at least he could finally fill up his lungs. They screamed for air, but he didn’t even realize it until he was out of the living room, away from Savannah.
It wasn’t her. She wasn’t the one pressuring him. She had no idea that he had a past that was any different than her own. That he hadn’t come from a loving home. That he’d carved out for himself everything that he had. He’d let her assume that he was like everyone else.
They were carving out a new road, a fresh start, embarking on a new journey. He felt that he should start it off honestly
He flicked the tap on and ran the water. It hissed into two glasses and he shut it off. It occurred to him, when he was back in the living room that it was probably warm. He hadn’t tested the water or put in ice.
He set the two glasses on the coffee table anyway and sat back down, a little further away from Savannah, but just a few inches. His shoulders heaved up and down with another breath. Savannah reached for her water, careful of Carter, who was fast asleep in her arms. She took a sip and set it back down. Her smile, when she turned her face back to him was both polite and encouraging. He stared at her for a long while, taking in her soft beauty, her kind features, their son nestled in her arms. They made the most incredible picture. It was hard to believe that they were his, if he wanted them to be. His miracles. He’d never felt more undeserving of anything in his life.
“I don’t know how to tell you this.” When the words came, they rang hollow in his ears, as though it was someone else speaking. Savannah leaned forward just a little, dark eyes wide. “I- well you know that I never talked about my family.”
“Yah…” Savannah hesitated. “I just thought maybe you weren’t into talking about that. Some guys aren’t. I assumed you weren’t close, but maybe that’s not true. Maybe you didn’t want them to know about me, like I didn’t tell my parents about you.”
“No. It’s not anything like that. If- well- if I had a family, I would have wanted them to know. The truth is, I never knew my mom or dad. Never met them. I know nothing at all about them. I was placed into foster care as a newborn.”
“What?” Savannah’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my god, Mike, I had no idea.”
“No. You couldn’t. I- I’m only telling you this because of Carter. I want you to know, because he’ll ask, I’m sure, when he’s older. Everyone wants to know where they come from. It’s only natural. But worse than that, you need to know that he might be- uh- different than other people.”
Savannah’s eyes widened further. Her lips parted, but it was a long time before she spoke. When she did, her voice wavered. “What do you mean? Different?”
Here it goes. Now she gets to learn how damaged I really am. “I bounced around from foster to foster growing up. Never stayed in one place long. I don’t know why because I don’t remember getting into trouble when I was a kid. Not until I was around ten. Then the real fun started. I was bad. I mean, really bad. I set shit on fire, destroyed things, acted out.”
“Of course you would have. Anyone would if they aren’t given a stable life right from the start of it. Everyone needs to feel like they’re loved.” Her hand twitched at her side, like she was going to reach out and touch him, but she didn’t. He wasn’t sure if he was relieved at that or not. His insides squeezed and churned, true anxiety setting in and taking over. He battled through it because he had to get it out. He had to tell her the truth.
“I mean, it was worse than that. I guess it started around ten, when I realized that I was different than other kids. I… guess it’s more natural now to talk about things like this, but I knew pretty early on that I had some mental health issues. It was just depression at first, but it got worse as I got older. I saw a lot of bad shit, thought a lot of bad shit. Some days I couldn’t even get up. It was like I was physically sick. I had no one to help me deal with that or figure it out. I was in so many different schools, people didn’t notice if I was there or not. One day, I was around fourteen, I actually was at school and I got put in this art class. I guess someone had noticed that I had some talent and that changed everything. I figured out that art was my therapy. It was my escape. I started and I never stopped. Maybe that’s why I didn’t get into much trouble after that. I still bounced around with different families a lot, but I was fairly quiet after that. No more getting in fights or destroying shit or getting expelled from school. When I graduated I moved out on my own and it wasn’t long before I got into an apprenticeship tattooing. Anyone could spot natural talent and all I had to do was walk into a few shops and show them my sketches and paintings. The guy I got on with was a good man. He was older, around sixty. He was more like a father to me than anyone I’ve ever known. We stayed in touch up until a few years ago. He had a heart attack and passed on.”
“Oh, Mike, I’m sorry.” Savannah’s eyes swam with tears, but they didn’t fall, as if she didn’t dare let them.
He shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because now you know. I’m not someone that anyone ever loved. I’ve never had a family. I’m not normal, like everyone else is. Even on the inside, I’m fucked up. And this is just me. I am far better equipped to deal with it now, but it still happens, the depression and the anxiety. I’ll always be like this. No amount of meditation or art or just getting older and wiser is going to take it away.”
“That’s okay. That doesn’t make you broken. Lots of people have issues with that. People are way more open about it now. I’ve always thought maybe you did.”
That got his attention. “Why?”
“It’s nothing you ever did or said, just that you’re very artistic and I just thought that it often goes hand in hand. Most artsy people I know have some pretty real struggles on the inside. God, I’ve had anxiety issues since I was a teenager. You’re not alone. Seriously.”
“I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want it to change anything between us. You come from this amazing home where your parents love and dote on you. They always will. You know what your family heritage is. You have roots. I’ve… I’m not like that.”
“It doesn’t matter. You’re still just Mike to me.”
“And what if one day Carter has the same thing I do? Lots of people think it could be hereditary. What are you going to do when he starts asking about my side of the family?”
Savannah shook her head. She blinked hard and the tears in her eyes disappeared without spilling over. She smiled softly at him. “I don’t know, but we have a long time to figure it out. We can find answers, to his questions. And if we find out that he struggles with depression or anything else, you’ll be the best person to be there for him because you understand what it’s like. I get why you’re telling me this. Because you feel like there’s something wrong with you.” She blinked hard and he had the feeling he wasn’t supposed to say anything so he stayed quiet. She swallowed hard, her throat bobbing, before she finally glanced back at him. “You’re perfect to me, Mike. You always have been. That was the damn problem. I left before because you were so close. You were closer to me than anyone and that scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to be married young, I didn’t want to fall in love with the first man I ever truly dated. I didn’t want that to be my life and just my life. There were things I wanted to do and I thought if I was with you, that was it. I left because I- I loved you.”
That hit Mike square in the chest. His heart squeezed and swelled. He felt like there was a steel band around it, wringing the feeling out of it, bleeding it out. “Savannah- I-”
“You said that you’ve never truly been loved and you’ve never had a family. Let us be your family, Mike. Me and Carter. We’re here now. We’ll always have Carter in common, no matter what happens with us and I hope that means something.”
“It means… everything.” God, he’d never been so close to crying himself, not since he was a little kid. The room swam and when Savannah reached out and gently placed her hand on his, he nearly lost it. He kept it together. Barely.
“I’m sorry that I never introduced you to my parents. I can see now how hurtful that was. I’m sorry that I did a lot of things the first time around. If we have another chance, if we can work into this slowly and figure out what it means again, what we want it to mean, I promise, I would do so many things differently.”
“Savannah-”
“I know you’ll be the best father, Mike. Even if you don’t know what that means. Just be there for Carter. That’s what a father does. Just love him. That’s it. That’s what my father has always done for me. He’s strict and he’s old school and he doesn’t really show emotion, but I know he loves me and I know he would move heaven and hell for me if I needed him to do it. To me, that’s what a good father is. You’re a good man, Mike. I’ve always known it. You’re kind and compassionate. And whatever is going on inside, that just makes you more empathetic. I know you feel things deeply and I really think that’s a gift, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.”
“And what if I’m not? Not a good man? What if I fuck this up and you and Carter both end up hating me.”
Savannah shook her head, dark hair dancing around her shoulders, shimmering in the lighting overhead. Her eyes were luminous with emotion. “That’s not possible. Stop worrying. Stop thinking, and just let yourself feel. We’ll make a schedule and we’ll stick to it and I promise that you’ll be confident in looking after Carter soon. And at the very least, we’ll get to know each other again. We can take it slow and work into this and a few months from now you’ll probably look back on this night and laugh at the fact that you were ever scared to even hold you son.”
Mike sighed hard. The pressure in his chest slowly dissipated. It was the way Savannah was looking at him, the soft sparkle in her eyes so close to resembling love.
“Yah,” he finally whispered. His hand moved, his fingers tangling with hers and hanging on.
A family. He couldn’t even imagine it, but he knew he wanted it. More than anything on earth, he wanted it. He’d do anything to get there. He’d work as hard as he had to in order to give Carter a good life. Maybe Savannah was right. One day he’d look back on this night and wonder why he ever doubted.
All he knew was what he’d just shared, it was the first time he’d truly ever opened up to anyone. It hurt, but surprisingly, it felt like a little of the ache inside, the deep, gnawing cavern, was closing over. And when he looked at his son, his tiny, infant son who was so incredibly perfect, his heart swelled with more love than he ever thought possible.