Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Turns out we had to meet in her office because her house was occupied. For a second, I thought she wanted to talk about my latest paper, because she handed it to me, but then I realized we just hadn’t closed the door yet and one of her colleagues was walking by. But then the door closed and work was over for the day!
Get it? We had sex in her office!
Very exciting and uncomfortable. I think people do stuff on a bed for a reason, but it was a real rush. Definitely something for the spank bank.
Afterward, I tried to talk to her about the whole Molly episode, but she brushed it off. Apparently, they were barely together and Molly just likes drama. I asked her if she thought I should stay friends with her, and Charlotte said she didn’t care either way. I didn’t bother to share that Molly and I have hooked up because the whole thing seemed so childish in the fluorescent glow of her cramped shared office.
Molly hasn’t reached out anyway, so I think it’s a nonissue.
If it wasn’t clear, I feel very accomplished and cool.
G
Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
You had sex in her office??? What is wrong with this person?? Is she actively trying to get fired??
Didn’t you write an entire exposé about a teacher’s inappropriate behavior with his students? Why is this OK? Because it’s a female teacher??
I really feel like you need to be careful. Weekends, whatever. I’m not your mother. Or my mother. But stop flirting with danger. It’s getting ridiculous.
Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Thank you for the concern, but you’re freaking out over nothing. I’m trying to get that sleazy dean fired because of sexual HARASSMENT. What happened today was completely consensual and THAT is why it is different.
You make me not want to tell you stuff when you react like this.
Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Don’t do that. Don’t make it seem like I have to agree with everything you do in order to stay in your life. That’s not what friends are for. If you want a yes-woman, make a lot of money and buy one.
Re: HOT CO-ED NEWSLETTER
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
It’s possible to disagree with someone without sounding like a judgy, condescending asshole.
I’m not a moron. I’m not going to get kicked out of school. Even if we got caught, so what? It’s not like she’s my professor and I’m blowing her to get an A. She’s not even in charge of my grade!
You need to chill out and grow up.
8:14AM EST
9:32AM PST
#TBT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Can I post that photo of you with the braces and the American flag tankini? With the caption “In orthodonture we trust”?
Too late. I already posted.
Re: #TBT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m assuming this is your social media olive branch? Mass humiliation?
Re: #TBT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Jake liked it. Which means he’s looking at your tagged photos on Instagram …
Re: #TBT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Shut up! I like him so much. I hope he can’t tell.
7:29 PM EST
Nemesis alert!
You ran into Dr. Lily?
MY nemesis!
Alex and I were in Emerson’s gender-neutral bathroom at the same time and he said NOTHING!
He ignored you after you said hi?
I didn’t say hi!
Then you ignored him!
No!
I was already at the sink when he came up. The person to join the sink last has to say hello.
What weird knockoff Miss Manners book did your mom buy you?
My mom doesn’t buy books. You know that.
I think maybe you are being an instigator in this rivalry.
You come at the king, you BEST not miss.
I’m just glad you washed your hands.
SEX?
Ave Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Did I do it? Did I not do it? I guess you’ll have to watch (read) to find out:
TITLE CARD: 7 HOURS EARLIER
I hold an informal table read in my dorm’s common area with Jake, Sophia, Emma, and our DP, Curtis. (Emma is a theater major and plays the one other role.) Jake tried to sit next to me but I told him to sit next to Sophia so they could play off each other. He then sat VERY close to Sophia, which, if we’re being honest, made me uncomfortable. Also, single Sophia is a lot more flirtatious than long-distance-relationship Sophia. I think I saw her touch his leg. Leg is a bold move!
I haven’t given Sophia all the dirty details about me and Jake, but she knows I like him and that we have been intimate (exactly two times and with one semifancy dinner). I doubt she would really make a pass at him, but that’s probably what Jennifer Aniston thought before Angelina ruined her life (and then Brad’s).
In better news, the reading went really well! Curtis, a junior who barely speaks, guffawed at a few of the lines, and Emma complimented me on my “clever dialogue.” I still need to make a few changes, mostly due to production concerns, but I think it’s shaping up! “Good Manners” should have a wide theatrical release in no time!
I think we have to shoot the final scene at my parents’ house, BTW. So … there’s that. And the idea of Jake meeting my dad, who will either ignore him completely or try to show off with actual magic tricks. Can’t wait!
THE END
Just kidding! After the reading, Jake asked me what I was doing, and I replied, “Why don’t you tell me?” because I have seen too many cheesy films and like to make it hard for myself to fall asleep when there are so many mortifying moments to replay in my mind.
Luckily for me, he ignored my rom-com come-on and invited me over to his room to watch When Harry Met Sally. YEP! He invited me over to see one of my favorite movies of all time. If that’s not true love …
CUT TO:
Jake’s room. The movie is playing. His arm is around me. I lean in and whisper, “Do you think Sophia’s pretty?”
I’M THE WORST. I know. BUT. It was almost worth it because:
JAKE: Not as pretty as you.
A few minutes later, I saw my first penis.
END SCENE.
10:42 AM EST
What the actual fuck.
We didn’t fuck! I thought I made that clear!
What did you do???
At this point I’m gonna assume he put it in your ear if ur not more specific.
Do people do that???
Ava. Cut the bullshit.
OK. Sorry. It’s embarrassing.
Y? Was it crooked?
Gross! No!
There is nothing gross about that. All bodies are beautiful.
Spare me right now. I’m recovering from a hand job.
WHAT!!! People still give hand jobs in the year of our Lord 2017???
I thought so!! Was I not supposed to do that??
Did he tell you to stop?
No!
Then more power to you.
I feel weird and also excited.
Same.
****CONGRATULATIONS****
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
On seeing a penis! So proud of you, bb.
Re: ****CONGRATULATIONS****
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Thank you??? The rush is over and now the anxiety is settling in like a familiar flu.
Did I move too quickly?? Is he going to lose all interest and respect for me?
I know this is completely backward and sexist, but the media has ingrained this way of thinking in my brain and I am not stronger than the media.
It’s been 12 hours since I saw him, and no contact. I’ve started imagining that he’s run off to Paris with Sophia and Curtis. (Curtis is there to document the trip for later Instagram posts. And to carry the luggage.)
HELP!
Re: ****CONGRATULATIONS****
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
OK. Calm down. It’s been 12 hours. And I am saying that in a casual it’s-only-been-12-hours voice and not in an IT’S-BEEN-12-WHOLE-HOURS!-THE-MISSING-PERSON-MUST-BE-DEAD! voice.
I understand the anxiety. You’re facing a whole new world of genitals and feelings. But from everything you’ve told me, this guy Jake likes you. And he doesn’t seem to have that much going on.
I’m sure he’s just trying to play it cool. Or he might still be sleeping. Some people sleep past 8:30 AM.
Also, this is one dumb guy in one dumb college. (No offense. But it’s not even ranked that high.) You have lived without him for 18 years. You can live without him for 18 more.
And then maybe you’ll run into each other at a supermarket, rekindle the flame, and leave your current spouses for a rocky second marriage!
Isn’t life exciting???
G
5:12 PM PST
USC is the #1 film school in the country.
Emerson is the #1 gay school in the country.
Any contact from you know who?
No. I’m freaking.
Emma wants me to go out on the row with her tonight. But what if Jake thinks I’m stalking him?
Go everywhere but his house.
I have to go to his house! I’m stalking him!
I can’t help you.
NOT ALL CONSPIRACIES ARE THEORIES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
It’s 3 AM. Do you know where your children are?
I’m in my room, a little high, and thinking about Edward Snowden. I know! I’ve said it before. But that man is a hero. I think I need to find him and thank him with my body. I wonder if he gets a lot of ass in Russia, or if no one cares because the Russian government is obviously corrupt so it’s like “big whoop.”
Do you think he has met Putin? Do you think anyone has really met Putin? Is he the kind of guy you can really know?
My roommate is snoring. This is a new development. I don’t like it.
What if I am the next Edward Snowden? I guess I would have to infiltrate the NSA for a few years. But I’d be willing to go undercover for the sake of our great nation.
I want to be a hero, Ava. Or really rich. I think it’s easy to make yourself a hero when you can pay for it.
I know you fantasize about accepting your Oscar and thanking your parents after falling on the steps to the podium, but I fantasize about meeting a source in a parking garage and putting my entire family at risk.
I WANT TO BE GREAT, AVA! I WANT TO WRITE THINGS THAT CHANGE THE WORLD AND WALK INTO ROOMS FULL OF PEOPLE WHO FEAR ME!
I will have a legacy without having a stretched-out vagina from childbirth!!
POWER TO THE FOURTH ESTATE!
Re: NOT ALL CONSPIRACIES ARE THEORIES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
WOW! I was so high last night hahahahahhha.
7:12 AM PST
Texting you from inside enemy territory.
Russia???
What? No!
Did you read my email?
Not yet. I just woke up …
Did something bad happen??
Yes, to the American people.
I got high and watched “Citizenfour” twice.
Again???
Yep! Where are you?
Jake’s room.
WTF?!
I know! I’m freaking out!
This is my first sleepover since 7th grade when I made my mom pick me up from Rachel’s house because the sheets were dirty.
Thinking about your childhood makes me sad.
How did you handle frat boy sheets?
Alcohol and breathing exercises.
ALCOHOL???
You hate alcohol!
Very much.
I need full details.
Too hard to type. His body is crushing my arm.
Kinky.
ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
It was an evening a lot like most. Moderate Southern California air that still made me feel cold. Laughter and off-color jokes in the air. Emma picked me up at my dorm and we walked over to the row together. All the Gamma Phi pledges were going to the 9-0 but Emma wanted a break from all of the girls we are paying to be friends with. She’s been flirting with some Lambda Chi guy and wanted a second opinion. Apparently, her ex was a complete nightmare but no one bothered to tell her.
Pat, her guy, wasn’t quite a nightmare, but he was nightmare adjacent. He made us do shots upon entry and then tried to hand me off to one of his friends so Emma would make out with him in the corner. It was actually really sweet. They would make out for a few minutes and then she would ask if I was OK, then they would make out for a few more minutes and she’d ask if I was OK. Carl, the guy I was handed off to, refused to look me in the eye and spent our precious time together checking out other girls. Within 20 minutes, I was exhausted and ready to go home. I thought about meeting the other pledges at the bar but decided not every night of my young college life has to be fun.
I tapped Emma on the bare shoulder a few times and told her I forgot to plug my computer in. YEP! That was my excuse. They don’t call me one-shot Helmer for nothing! Luckily Emma was in such a snog-fog (her word, not mine) that she didn’t question it.
I started the long walk of lame home only to hear my name shouted from the rooftops. Seriously. The guys at ZBT put lawn chairs on their roof, and Jake was standing up screaming at me.
This was both the most mortifying and thrilling moment of my entire life. And I am including the time I won my dad a day with Cal Ripken Jr. and had to recite my winning essay in front of the other participants.
I had to yell back at him to stop, only for him to scream, “MEET ME IN MY ROOM.”
Looks like my walk of lame was quickly becoming a walk of shame before I even took any of my clothes off.
I arrived at his room a good TEN MINUTES before him. Apparently roof access is treacherous. When he finally arrived, I was in full-blown panic attack mode. But then he saw me and whistled and I relaxed. Jake, drunk, is very fun. Is that bad to say? He’s goofy and fun and makes it easy for me to say whatever I want without feeling like there will be dramatic repercussions. We also started kissing very quickly, which was nice. You know how I feel about pretense.
Have I always fantasized about losing my virginity to a wasted sophomore in the middle of a party? Nope! But luckily he fell asleep before that happened! I don’t want to diagnose him with ED because I’m not a doctor, but there were definitely symptoms. Such as his erection having a dysfunction.
It was probably a one-time alcohol thing …
BUT! What if alcohol isn’t the problem? And I’m the problem?? I certainly didn’t look good enough last night to keep Creepy Carl’s interest. Maybe I just wasn’t doing it for him. I mean, there are plenty of people I’m not attracted to (most people). What if Jake isn’t attracted to me at all, and I’ve just been making a fool of myself the entire time? He didn’t try any funny business in the morning either! Although he was hungover and his roommate had crawled into bed sometime when we were already asleep. He offered to walk me to my dorm, but I declined because I continuously cock-block myself.
In conclusion, how can you want to fuck Edward Snowden? I thought you were gay now.
Re: ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I have so many angry thoughts I don’t know which one to e-shout at you first! But since I am selfish, I guess I will start with the one about me!
I am perfectly within my queer rights to want to fuck Edward Snowden. Sexuality is like a river, and sometimes it bends right into America’s greatest hero.
Also, have you heard of the colloquial term “BISEXUAL”? Stop trying to make me in your heteronormative image!
Back to my other trigger warning. YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Never blame yourself for the physical failings of a man. Their infrastructure is designed for malfunction.
Do you think men ever sit at home and think about how THEY’RE THE PROBLEM?? No way. So don’t waste your thoughts either.
Also, and I hate myself for asking, but I feel like you’ve conditioned me: Have you guys had any sort of talk? About what you are? Do you think you want to have sex if you haven’t DTR? I’m not saying you should marry the guy (please don’t marry the guy), but it might be worth having a check-in to make sure you’re on the same page.
I can talk to him too if you want. I am very good at making empty threats of violence seem real.
Re: ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I looked up “bisexuality” and some leading scientists have inconclusive evidence that it might be real.
(JK JK OMG JUST KIDDING)
Thank you for saying that thing about DTR. I’ve wanted to bring it up so many times but I don’t know how and I don’t want to seem clingy.*
*I can’t believe how enduring one comment from one summer camp boyfriend can be. (I was 11 years old, Kyle! Of course I was clingy!)
What should I say? How should I say it? WHEN should I say it?
I hate feeling like I am never going to hear from him ever again each time we say goodbye. I know this can’t be true, mostly because he is in my movie, but still. I don’t trust that he won’t disappear just like every other confidant other than you.
Please include specific instructions, as always.
Re: ABOUT LAST NIGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
You are on thin ice with the gay community.
(JK JK LOL ROFL JK)
Specific instructions:
1) Wait for him to contact you.
2) Meet in a public place.
3) Ask him what he thinks this is. Make him answer this first. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITHOUT ANSWERING YOU. If he says, “the start of something” or “I want you to be my girlfriend,” you can stay. If he says, “We’re just having fun,” leave. Not abruptly. But the first moment you can do so without it being a big deal.
a. If you are able to stay, make sure you have another talk about exclusivity before actual intercourse, but until that moment, just enjoy your first official relationship!
b. If you have to leave abruptly, do not hang out with him ever again one-on-one. Don’t be rude or ignore him. Instead be “busy.” He will either change his tune or sing a song you don’t want anyway!
Please do not share this foolproof list with anyone. If you disobey, and credit its creation to me, I will deny everything.
4:12 PM PST
Jake just texted me!
To apologize for “passing out early.”
Like a little bitch?
Yep! I said, “No problem.”
These are like modern-day love letters.
I wonder if future college kids will study them in lit class.
What was I supposed to say back???
“NBD. Want to be my boyfriend??”
Couldn’t hurt.
Should I ask to see him?
NO!!
He should ask to see you.
IN COLD BLOOD
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Have you seen this??? Article below!
CASUAL BEACON PARTY MARRED BY FRESHMAN FUED
By Genevieve Goldman
Berkeley Beacon Staff
BOSTON—A small congregation of Beacon employees gathered together Saturday night to celebrate a well-received issue only for the lively celebration to be interrupted by a screaming match between two cub reporters. Genevieve Goldman arrived at said party at approximately 9 PM. The group email cited 8 PM as the official start time. Kent Winzel, Goldman’s editor, was hosting the party at his home in Allston, and directed his young guest and protégée to the beverages.
Upon entrance into the kitchen, Goldman immediately spotted fellow journalist and ne’er-do-well, Alex Cassidy. Cassidy was already a few drinks in and greeted his rumored rival with a smirk. Goldman, stone-cold sober, refused to take the bait and poured herself a modest glass of boxed wine before retiring to the living room.
After about an hour of stimulating conversation, Goldman went to refill her glass for the third (or fourth) time and found Cassidy still manning the table. Goldman inquired if Cassidy was hired help, and Cassidy shot back an accusation involving Goldman’s roommate and questionable loyalty. Rumor has it that Goldman’s roommate, Shannon Middleton, is gunning for a position on the Student Government Association (SGA). Seeing as the Beacon serves as the sole checks and balances for the SGA, there is often controversy surrounding any possible conflicts of interest.
Goldman, having no idea that her roommate was even running for SGA, lashed out and accused Cassidy of trying to start unnecessary trouble. Cassidy retaliated with faux concern that the Beacon’s reputation would be on the line if an unreliable editor were to be hired on staff. The argument continued at increasing volume until Winzel, Goldman’s editor, entered the room and encouraged both parties to partake in the next round of Kings. Goldman obliged while Cassidy preferred to join a grating conversation about the semicolon. He could later be heard quoting Oscar Wilde from the other room.
The night proceeded without further incident until Goldman was on her way to the train and spotted Cassidy a few feet ahead. Goldman didn’t say anything until the two were waiting for the B Line train. She then asked Cassidy if he had had a good time, to which Cassidy scoffed and rolled his eyes. Goldman then inquired if she had done something to offend Cassidy, to which Cassidy reportedly replied, “You haven’t done anything to me.”
This unnerving statement hung in the air until the two young people boarded the train and found their way back to their dorms without further incident.
WHAT A PSYCHOPATH!!!
Re: IN COLD BLOOD
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Not to edit you on your journalism, but from a storytelling point of view, I found this particular article anticlimactic. The headline was click bait and I was left unsatisfied. Who cares if Shannon is running for SGA? Why is “You’ve haven’t done anything to me” an unnerving statement? What do you want to have done to him?
Honestly, it sounds like you want him to pull your hair on the playground so you can hit him back and then fall in love 15 years later.
Re: IN COLD BLOOD
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
This isn’t a rom-com. You don’t understand the dynamic.
9:12 PM EST
I convinced Shannon not to run for SGA.
How?? Why??
I explained that she would have to go to a lot of long meetings.
She didn’t already know that?
NOPE!
She’s gonna join Quidditch instead.
I no longer believe this is a real school.
Eat shit, Alex.
7:23 PM PST
Jake wants me to come over to talk about the script …
Come over where?
I don’t know. The secret library he keeps under his bed?
I’m assuming his room.
HEY! Don’t take all your pent-up sexual frustration out on me.
I’m the wind beneath your wings.
Can I go?
I’m told this is a free country. For white men.
But you explicitly told me that I have to meet him in a public place.
Eh. Rules are meant to be broken.
YOU WROTE THOSE RULES.
Use a condom!
SHANNON (A CHARACTER STUDY)
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
So I know you’re probably busy making sweet, sweet third base right now, but I wanted to fill you in on what I’m doing with my night.
Since offering Shannon the sage advice of giving up her political career so I can advance mine, she seems to think we are friends. I spent the last hour listening to her dissect her relationship with Baseball Mike, even though it appears to have ended weeks ago, and also was never a relationship.
I began asking questions about her life, out of morbid curiosity instead of genuine concern, and learned that her family is even stranger than she is! Her dad “works for the government” but won’t tell anyone how, and her mom is clearly in love with her female best friend. They go on “girl trips” half the year. Her younger brother is some sort of savant and has already graduated college, yet he works in a Starbucks???? Who are these people?! I think her entire family is lying to her about everything and she has no idea. At least I am well aware that my father is an alcoholic and my mother is a classic enabler. They still lie to me all the time, but I know better than to trust them!
Did I tell you my mom suddenly called me four times the other day? Like she randomly remembered she has an adult daughter? When I finally called back, she was reabsorbed in her second “miracle” child. Apparently Hope is flourishing in kindergarten and learned to express herself through finger paint? How can I listen to this sort of information with a straight face, knowing that my form of entertainment as a small kid was drawing on the wall with poop because no one was watching me?
ANYWAY …
Back to my case study: Shannon thinks Baseball Mike simply has intimacy issues and once he explores himself with (a bunch of) other girls, he will realize that they belong together. This journey of self-discovery includes hooking up with Shannon’s lifelong friend, Kelly, who goes to BU and met Mike THROUGH Shannon. Shannon isn’t mad, though, because she purposely stole Kelly’s boyfriend in 10th grade and karma is real. According to her savant brother. I’m a bit pissed I’ve wasted $7.99 on a Hulu subscription when I could have just been watching this strange creature in her natural habitat.
PEACE & MONKEYS,
Gen Goodall
P.S. I don’t actually pay for Hulu. I use your account so please don’t change the password.
P.P.S. When are we upgrading to no commercials?
Re: SHANNON (A CHARACTER STUDY)
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
My big takeaway from this is that your mom sucks. I hope I’m allowed to say that.
Re: SHANNON (A CHARACTER STUDY)
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hahahaha, you are! But only because you’re a survivor of that one awful trip to Disneyland.
RIP ICE CREAM MICKEY.
2:03 PM PST
You’re not going to ask what happened??
I did ask what happened!
No. You gave a eulogy for an ice cream cone.
We have an open door policy. I don’t have to ask. You can just tell.
No, because then I think you don’t care, and I don’t like to tell people things they don’t care about.
That’s one of the rules I learned in social skills class.
I CARE!
Not enough to ask.
Ava, will you please tell me every minute detail of your evening? Starting from sunset onward?
No. I’m busy.
You are more work than any of the girls I’m actually hooking up with!
Awwww. I love you too.
MINUTIAE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
SO! I arrived at Jake’s a few hours after sunset but I assume you were being sarcastic about that being your preferred starting time. (I did have a disgusting dinner, though. Remind me that I hate beets.)
When I got to Jake’s room, his roommate, Tyler, was there smoking REEFER. He offered me some, but I declined since I wanted my wits about me. (And part of me is afraid that I will like weed so much I will become a big-time stoner and throw my life away.)
We all sat and chatted for a bit. Apparently Tyler is big on Instagram? Seems weird since he is VERY boring in person. He showed me a video of him skateboarding UP a ramp. It had one million views. I can only hope it’s just his supportive mother watching it over and over again.
After a while, Jake told Tyler with his eyes to scram. I thought “talk about the script” meant “make out,” but he actually had a lot of notes? He thinks his character comes off as gay because he doesn’t want to have sex with Sophia. I tried to explain their lack of physical chemistry and the notion of a heightened reality, but he fought me pretty hard. He said I have a hard time writing male characters since I don’t understand how much sex drives the male psyche.
That’s when the night sort of took a turn because:
1) I was super offended that he thinks I don’t know how to write believable male characters.
2) I became paranoid that all he thinks about is sex and the only reason he talks to me is sex, and I am not ready to have sex, so he will stop talking to me.
I had no choice but to ask him if he was speaking from personal experience:
JAKE: Of course.
AVA: Are you thinking about sex right now?
JAKE: Yeah. Are you?
AVA: Only because you brought it up! Have you … had it before?
JAKE (laughs): Yeah.
LONG BEAT
AVA: I have not.
JAKE: I figured.
And this is where I start to spiral. What about me screams virgin? Is it my hair? My clothes? My inability to talk about the act of sex without sounding like an alien attempting to mimic human behavior? OR! Even worse. What if it’s my hand job giving? At this point I’m completely mortified when he says—
JAKE: You seem too busy.
WHAT?! I seem too busy?? I am painfully bored 1/3 of my life. And that includes the 1/3 I spend sleeping. What would give this person the impression that I am TOO BUSY to have intercourse? How long does it take???
AVA: What would give you that impression?
JAKE: I don’t know. You seem like a serious person who is busy doing serious things. Even you in this house right now. Seems wrong.
HOW CAN HE PEER INTO MY SOUL AND SEE MY DEEPEST FEARS??? Why am I unable to hide behind liquid eyeliner like everyone else???
AVA: I don’t think I’m too serious. Was it not clear that this was a comedy script?
JAKE (laughs again): I don’t mean you aren’t funny. You just have a serious personality. Like an adult who is stuck going to college.
AVA: Is that bad?
JAKE: No! I like it. I’m also really mature for my age.
Then we started to kiss because I didn’t know how to respond to that. TBH, I don’t find him particularly mature … Anyway, our tongues started slapping and he tried to take my shirt off but I stopped him.
AVA: What does sex mean to you?
JAKE: In three words?
(adorable slap that only slightly misses its mark)
JAKE: I don’t know. It depends on the person I am doing it with.
AVA: What would it mean if you did it with me?
JAKE: I think I would probably have to try it first to know.
(another slap, not as adorable, much harder)
AVA: I don’t really want to do that if I don’t know what this is.
(lots of vague/crude hand gestures)
JAKE: DTR?
That’s not me abbreviating it. He said that out loud, nonironically, which honestly made the entire situation a lot less high-risk for me. I nodded, and then we had a confusing conversation that I wish I could relay word for word but unfortunately I was scrambling to keep up in the moment. I think the takeaway was that he is open to being in a relationship but doesn’t think we are there yet? But if I don’t want to have sex unless we are in a relationship, we can just hang out and not have sex.
How does this sound to an outside observer? To me it seems reasonable if not disappointing. He’s not pressuring me and he’s also right. We don’t really know each other that well. There is no rush to be “boyfriend/girlfriend” and then regret it.
I think I agreed with him, and then he went down on me! It was … itchy?? Starting to think my body might be broken …
Send help and wisdom!
A
Re: MINUTIAE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Starting to think this guy is either super evolved or heavily manipulative. The comment about you not knowing how to write male characters pushes him over into manipulative town.
Please tell me that you are not going to change the script to accommodate his weak male ego. You are the writer. You have the vision. And everyone’s sex drive is different. (Maybe his character is gay! Or a gray asexual! That’s for you to decide.)
Here is a question: Why do you even want this guy to be your boyfriend? Is it just to have sex? Or do you really like him? Chinatownjake98?
Re: MINUTIAE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Those are some very good questions. And my answer is that I have no idea. How does anyone know why they are dating someone? I’m 18. I barely have a grasp on familial love. Most of my feelings and actions are completely hormonal (or chemical).
I do know that I want to have a boyfriend. I have always wanted that. Probably a bit too much, which is why none of them have wanted me. (If desperation was a cologne, I sprayed too much of it all of middle school.) The only thing that made me look incrementally cool in high school was being friends with you, something all of your other cool friends are still trying to figure out.
So now I suddenly have this guy open to the idea of dating me and I don’t want to mess it up. Will I marry Jake? No. Probably not. But I’m not just walking around accidentally bumping into love interests like you are. (Oops! There’s another one! Whoops! Three-way collision.) I feel like I can’t risk throwing this person away because he is not perfectly synced up to my time line.
I want to talk about it with my therapist, but I’m sure she will somehow turn the whole thing into my fault. Does that sound defensive? Because I’m definitely not defensive ;)
5:13 PM EST
HOLD UP!
What??
How did we not talk about the other thing?
What other thing?
Gen! Gross!
I’m in class. I can’t talk about this.
You’re always “in class.”
OPEN YOUR MIND.
TOUCH YOURSELF.
Airplane mode.
MENAGE & NOSH
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
At approximately 7:55 PM, I was returning to my dorm to continue my study of Strange Shannon in the wild, when Charlotte called me. Yes, she called because she is an adult and I am a child who hit Ignore by accident. I texted her back because, despite all my talk, I am weak and afraid. She wrote back and invited me over to her apartment to watch a movie.
In case you suffered severe memory loss, this is the universal signal for “hook up” (i.e., Netflix and Chill). So I hopped on the train, gulped down a couple Orbit mints, and headed over, thinking I would find her scantily clad in a nonappropriated kimono.
Instead, I found her completely clothed and standing next to her nerdy friend, Tom. Tom is a TA in Dramaturgy because he tried to be a theater actor and failed. Tom is also super cute. I immediately liked Tom.
Charlotte invites me in, sneezing in the process. She’s sick and wants company so if she dies, someone will call her parents and yell at them for not being more supportive. I’m a bit confused about my presence, until I realize she must have called everyone in the first few scrolls of her contacts. I try not to take it personally and instead enjoy a delicious slice of pecan pie that Tom BAKED. Have I mentioned that I like Tom?
About an hour goes by of us talking and not deciding what to watch when Charlotte announces she needs to take a nap. It’s around 9:30. Seems like that’s just going to bed early, but who am I to say? She tells me and Tom not to leave, because she has snacks and doesn’t want to wake up to an empty house. (She is still under the impression that she is taking a nap.)
We shrug and turn on a movie, perfectly comfortable with this idea. Charlotte has a way of normalizing any and all behavior. As soon as she leaves the room, Tom asks if I want a blanket. You know me. My body radiates heat, but it seemed rude to say no. Also I wanted to see what it would feel like for a grown man I am not related to to put a blanket on me. The answer: sexy.
Suddenly, I find myself cuddling with a male stranger in my female lover’s living room. I ask Tom how long he’s known Charlotte, and he replies, “A long time.” I ask him how well he knows her, and he replies, “Not as well as you.” I must have blushed because he assured me that I wasn’t giving it away. I’m just so clearly Charlotte’s type. He knows because they have the same type.
YEP! THAT’S WHAT HE SAID! TALK ABOUT A LINE! THAT WORKED!
We made out for about forever. All clothes were kept on in an attempt at decency. We could hear Charlotte snoring from the next room …
Sometime around 2 AM, Tom untangled himself from me and the blanket and announced that he was escorting me home. I assumed that meant he was inviting himself over into my twin bed, but he really meant that he was just escorting me home. As soon as I tried to explain to him the best way to sneak into my room without awakening the beast, he laughed and kissed me goodbye. He then announced he would get my info from Charlotte, which seems weird but convenient.
Anyway. That was my night. He looks like a male Ellen Page to give you some visuals.
Also, I am currently obsessed with this song: “Just 2 Guyz.”
I’m Guy #1
Re: MENAGE & NOSH
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
OK. I am confused. You like guys again?? Or is this an anomaly? Maybe you just like forbidden authority types. That would make sense considering your gross flirtation with Security Officer Peters.
Do you still like Charlotte? She seems a bit crazy. Who throws a party so she doesn’t have to be alone when she’s sick??
I’m confused. But I guess I’m always confused.
Please don’t yell at me.
A
Re: MENAGE & NOSH
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hahaha. I never stopped liking guys. I’m just 90–10 at this point. And he has a very feminine energy.
Re: MENAGE & NOSH
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
OK. Cool.
I WANT TO BE GUY #1!
7:57 PM EST
I can see Kent’s belly button.
Who is Kent?
Oh, sry. Kent, my editor.
Why can you see his belly button? Is he not wearing a shirt?
There is a shirt. It is too small.
On purpose?
Unclear.
Keep me updated.
I think I spotted a small piece of lint.
Unsubscribe from all updates.
THE EGO AND THE ID
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I think Dr. Lily might be clinically insane. How can I tell my therapist she needs a therapist? She probably already has one who is equally useless.
After my session, I looked up sadistic tendencies. They include deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others. This seems about right!
I can’t tell if Dr. Lily is intentionally trying to drive me crazy, or if she has no idea what she is doing and therefore relies solely on condescending looks and low murmurs of disapproval.
I went in ready to discuss my relationship with Jake, and she immediately started asking me questions about my family. My family is not the problem. My family is the only reason I am still alive.
Instead of spending the forty minutes creating a strategy to move forward, Dr. Lily wanted to know if my father put unnecessary pressure on me to succeed.
SERIOUSLY? Is this your first day?
I kept trying to steer the conversation back to my actual dilemma (what I should do about this person who wants to hook up but not commit), but she kept attaching merit to the fact that my dad gave away our dog. I only mentioned this as the ONE TIME my father disappointed me, and she latched on to it with an iron fist. Honestly, it seems like she probably has daddy issues.
With ten minutes left, I (loudly) announced that I need to talk about Jake because I can’t go another week without coping strategies for this uncertainty. Gray areas make me nauseous. Anyone who listens to me for more than five minutes knows that.
Instead of listening to my needs, she insisted that I was avoiding talking about my family. What is there to avoid? The fact that for 18 years my parents have been my best friends (current company aside), and all of my problems come from other external circumstances as well as a chemical imbalance in my brain?
I have been in therapy four times longer than you’ve even been a therapist, Lily! When your patient is begging for help, help her!
So what did she do?
Asked me another question about the dumb dog. (May she rest in peace with that terrible family in Riverside.) So I left. Yep. With eight minutes left, I stormed out and gently screamed that I would not be returning. I can’t go back to her. She is making it all worse. I need to call my mom and figure something else out. I need to see an actual doctor and not someone who is barely old enough to drink.
I hate this person, Gen. I literally hate her and can feel the rage surging through my body. I hope she gets fired and has her mouth sewn shut. I’m not even back at my dorm yet while I’m typing this and it’s so obvious that I’ve been crying. Thank god for university anonymity. Could not have survived a small school.
Oh, fuck, here comes one of my “sisters.” I hate my life.
Re: THE EGO AND THE ID
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Are you OK? I just tried to call you a couple times but you didn’t answer. Maybe you’re talking to your mom.
I’m so sorry, babe. I wish I was there so I could beat the doctor’s ass and take away all her (loose) credentials. Can you ask for another doctor on campus? Or is it better to just see someone off campus? Either way, I think you should get all of your money back AND they should pay you for emotional damages.
Have you thought about going back on meds to help with the anxiety? I know you hate them, but maybe a low dose of a different kind? Or maybe, bear with me, weed? Seriously. Go get a card and try a little indica? It’s not even illegal anymore!
And when it comes to Jake, if the gray area is driving you crazy, you don’t have to stay there. Tell him to shit or get off the pot. It’s first semester, freshman year. There are plenty of other mediocre men out there to torment you.
LOVE YOU! GET SOME ICE CREAM!
G
6:43 PM PST
Hey. Sorry I missed your calls. Was talking to my mom.
It’s OK! What she say?
That I can find someone else. It’s too late to get a car for this semester. All the parking passes are taken, but my mom said she would drive me.
That’s nice. Are you going to go back to your old one?
No. Tina, the girl I ran into when I was crying, suggested someone closer.
GASP! A sorority girl doesn’t have a perfect life!
Alert the media!
Stop. She was nice.
And I’m not in one of the cool sororities where everyone has a perfect life.
Those houses dropped me, remember?
Ah, yes. PIE IN UR FACE HOUSE. How could I forget. They r on my hit list.
Right after Dr. Lily.
I appreciate it.
I feel a bit dumb that my mom is going to come pick me up from college once a week.
Don’t feel dumb! That’s a #diva lifestyle. OWN IT.
OY.
WOODWARD & BERNSTEIN
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
In the continuing saga that is the Berkeley Beacon, Alex and I just got paired up for an investigative article about Emerson’s tightening security. Rumor has it the president is taking meetings with various security companies to come up with a plan intended to limit shootings and stuff.
Pretty soon we’ll all be asked to walk naked through a metal detector in order to get to class. I plan to peacefully abstain. And then maybe drop out.
I have no idea why we’re being teamed up for this. My only guess is an insatiable need for office drama? Kent, my editor, insists we need to work together to remain objective since I am anti-police state and Alex is an idiot.
That might be a little harsh. He’s a Boston native and I guess the bombing really shook up his whole family. He thinks it’s fine to give up all rights and privacy if it will save ONE life. I couldn’t disagree more. What’s the point of living if you don’t have any rights or privacy?? How can he not see that, especially when he’s trans? Has he never interacted with the TSA?
The worst part of the whole thing was that he acted excited to work with me. Like it isn’t obvious to everyone that he hates my guts. So then I seemed like an asshole when I immediately fought Kent, my editor, and tried to get the assignment myself. Everyone looked at me like I was petty, but I really think two reporters will just slow down the story and students have a right to know about all this before they wake up to drug dogs in their underwear drawer.
Kent, my editor, shot down my attempt at flying solo and encouraged us to think of each other as colleagues and not competitors. BARF. After the meeting, Alex wanted to hang out to strategize, but I told him I had an early class. We’re meeting up later today. I need time to figure out how to play this. Maybe I’ll give him back what’s he’s giving me: condescending aloofness.
I just hope my name comes first in the byline.
KIDDING. It’s alphabetical. I’m fucked.
Re: WOODWARD & BERNSTEIN
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Yikes. Not the best situation. My only advice is kill ’em with kindness. Maybe this is a test and Kent wants to see how you work with unreasonable people? Make him the difficult one. Just do your job the best that you can and compliment his shoes or something. I always compliment people I can’t stand. It throws them off and makes me feel like a better person despite the hate and judgment in my heart.
You can get through this. You will get through this.
What is his Instagram handle so I can hate follow?
Re: WOODWARD & BERNSTEIN
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
@CassidyKid. But it’s private because he is the worst.
9:21 PM PST
I did a bad thing.
How bad? White girl cornrow bad? Or Scientology bad?
Too bad to make a joke!
I ruined all the stuff.
Are you in jail?
No!
Then it’s not that bad.
Can you talk?
Not really. I’m at this dumb party and I can’t hear anything.
OK.
Will call in morning.
SIGNING OFF
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I know you are out having the time of your life, but I need to ask you a serious question. Have I always been the dumbest person you know? Or did I hide my stupidity with misleading data like a high SAT score and expensive clothes? I feel like the world’s biggest moron and, as such, I am also the last to know (that I am the world’s biggest moron).
Last night I started freaking out about the whole Jake thing. We are shooting the short next weekend, and I felt like I needed to have a better handle on our relationship before working together in front of a group that includes my parents. We already had plans to hang out tomorrow night, but I couldn’t wait that long for clarity so I texted him. Seven times. Turns out, not a lucky number when you are a girl with zero fucking chill. He finally responded that he was just getting out of a late class. I told him to come over because Jessica was out, which MIGHT have given the wrong impression. He arrived five minutes later and I was crying.
Yep. I was crying. So Jake, being a normal, chill person, assumed something was really wrong. Like a death in the family. Or a plagiarism accusation (apparently USC is really cracking down on ripping off B movies no one has seen). I had to explain that nothing was wrong. Other than the fact that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend.
If you are too embarrassed on my behalf, you can stop reading because it only gets worse.
After a FULL MINUTE of silence, he said, “I thought we already talked about this.”
Cue the waterworks! In case it wasn’t already clear to everyone in my hall that I was sobbing. The increased flow of my tears only freaked him out more as he scrambled to explain a fear of commitment and literally said, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I kept mumbling that I really liked him and think we could be happy together, while he searched around for an escape route. Once I calmed down enough to breathe, I explained that I have issues with anxiety. He started to be more understanding and less freaked out. But he still didn’t want to be my boyfriend. (Can’t imagine why! Who doesn’t want a clingy, desperate A-cup following them around?)
He left like ten minutes later, having decided we should stop hooking up since it would complicate the movie. I was shocked he still wanted to be in the movie. That seems weird right??
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? And why can I not stop crying?
Re: SIGNING OFF
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Ava!!!! No!!! Please don’t cry! I’m sorry I couldn’t talk last night! You need to text me code tears when there are tears!
Honestly, I don’t think that what happened is SO bad. Like is it cringeworthy? Yes. But will it have long-term repercussions on your life? Absolutely not.
If anything, this whole exchange just made Jake look bad. What kind of man can’t handle a few tears? A boy, that’s who! (Sorry. I couldn’t think of a better metaphor or saying.) Seriously, this is very revealing about his character. It’s better to know this now. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you aren’t going to be a “low-maintenance” girlfriend. But there is no reason you should be! You are an emotional person and you need to be with someone who has the faculties to handle that. Jake does not sound like that guy …
In terms of practical next steps, you don’t owe this guy anything. Other than your oral virginity. If you don’t want him in your movie, cast someone else! You are the auteur! He is a piece of shit!
Re: SIGNING OFF
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I love how you somehow manage to take my side regardless of how despicable my behavior. I’m too afraid to recast him. I would rather attempt to play it cool and act as though he isn’t the only guy who has seen me naked.
TREATY OF VERSAILLES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Operation Make Alex Look Bad is in full swing. I have now met up with him twice, and both times I was the pinnacle of politeness. Turns out, I do have manners. I guess my rudeness has been a choice and not the product of a poor upbringing. I even bit my tongue when he suggested it was a GOOD IDEA the NSA can read our emails.
He insisted that we meet at his place, which is an off-campus apartment in Beacon Hill (for snobs). The whole place was decorated as though the person who lives there has a good personality, so I have to credit it to his roommate, who was MIA and probably more interesting. We spent the first hour or so talking about everyone at the paper, which was fun, and then we started arguing about the assignment in a very passive-aggressive, adult way. Our second meetup was even more heated, but I kept my cool and made him feel dumb at least once. Instead of attacking, I pulled a Dr. Lily and asked “Why?” 4,000 times until his logic started to crack.
We’re splitting up the research, but he still wants to make calls in the same room. He’s obviously very suspicious and wants to hear (and steal) all of my questions.
I found out Alex also has Charlotte as a TA but thinks she is a “flake posturing as a serious journalist.” I resisted informing him that that flake has a great ass!
You would be proud of me. I’m keeping all my feels on the inside, like a WASP.
“Those who would give up liberty for security deserve neither.”—Genevieve Franklin
P.S. What happened to our quote thing??? I miss us.
Re: TREATY OF VERSAILLES
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m very proud of you. You are posturing as a normal person not consumed by rage.
Here is a crazy idea. Have you ever thought that Alex wants to work in the same room as you because he likes you? Like likes you? Or is he gay? (Is that the proper terminology for a trans man? Please don’t yell at me.)
“Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.” —Ava Fey
Re: TREATY OF VERSAILLES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hahahahaha. That is the right terminology but the wrong interpretation. There is nothing romantic going on here. I’m barely attracted to him, and I’m attracted to everyone. I find his personality off-putting (even if his face is inviting). We are at war. And only one of us will survive!
“It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”—G. G. Parton
4:13 PM PST
Emma is dropping out!
Which one is Emma again?
My cool theater major British friend!
Oh! That Emma.
She’s dropping out of college?
No! Of the house!
Y?
She thinks it’s all “rubbish.” Because she is British.
I’m so pissed. She was my only real friend here.
Are you going to drop out too?
No.
I don’t know. Should I?
Maybe try talking to a few other people first.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!
This isn’t Brexit, Ava. Chill out.
SORRY! I know that phrase is a trigger for you.
Chill out. (Not Brexit.)
8:42 PM EST
Tom wants to take me on a proper date???
Men are so dumb.
I thought you liked Tom.
I do. So why waste money on me?
Ask to go somewhere fancy!
DUH!
HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A FILMMAKER’S APOCALYPSE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
It’s finally arrived. D-day. Call time is 8 AM. We start in my dorm room and then move outside. Sunday we spend the entire day at my house. Both my parents have offered to be PAs, although my dad asked for an executive producer credit because he is paying my tuition. I think I’ll give it to him so he has something to hang on to in his old age.
I haven’t see or spoken to Jake outside of call sheet emails. I have no idea how to act or behave tomorrow. I guess like a director who has better things to worry about than her romantic future? I’m just glad this whole short is based on a LACK of chemistry between the two leads. If I had to see Jake and Sophia actually hitting it off for two full days, I think I would blow my brains out.
Going to try to get some sleep. Yes. I know it’s only 9 PM. Make fun of me later.
Re: HEARTS OF DARKNESS: A FILMMAKER’S APOCALYPSE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
KATHRYN BIGELOW WINS BEST DIRECTING: 2010 OSCARS
Go get ’em, kid!
2:04 PM EST
How’s it going???
5:37 PM EST
I hope ur crushing it and not suddenly mad at me for something I did 3 years ago.
8:29 PM EST
Sending you positive vibes!!
9:37 PM PST
Thank you!! Day 1 down!
How did it go??
2 tired 2 type.
Whoa.
11:42 AM EST
Ur mom just sent me a hot pic of you directing.
6:51 PM PST
Did I look dumb??
No! Adorable!
I mean … badass and professional.
This has been the craziest weekend.
Still not done.
I want a full report.
If I survive …
What are you doing?
Fancy date with cis male.
OOOOOOOOOOO
LADY & THE TRAMP (I’M THE TRAMP)
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Tom is a hilarious attempt at a person. He is 26 but acts 45. He brought me a dandelion as a gift. Also, he rides a Vespa. So I can cross riding a Vespa off my nonexistent bucket list. He tried to make me wear a helmet, but I ain’t about that life.
After a few near-death intersections, we arrived at some pricey Italian joint where all the waiters pretended to be Italian. Tom talked to them in a French accent just to keep the feel “international.” We ordered pastas and wine, and when they asked to see my ID, Tom laughed and said, “That’s got to feel good!” This caused us all to laugh and the waiter to forget the basic rules of running a drinking establishment.
Dinner was fun. I ate all of mine and half of Tom’s. Got to love free stuff and a date with a small appetite!
We left the restaurant and started walking around. Tom had heard about some art installation, but I didn’t want him to think we were dating so I asked to have sex instead. I am basically a manic pixie nightmare. He swallowed hard and then tried to hand me a helmet AGAIN. Boys never learn. We got to his place and I took off my own clothes because he seems like someone with shaky hands and I hate pretending not to notice people fucking up. He then took off his cardigan, which felt like a big move. He asked if I wanted coffee. WHILE I WAS NAKED. I said sure. We had naked coffee and then kissed. And then we ate miniature scones one of his lovesick students baked for him.
After an unreasonably long amount of time sitting bare-assed on a wicker chair, we finally got busy. It was OK. The scones were better. I didn’t sleep over because I thought it would be funnier to leave.
Charlotte texted me this morning. She’s pretending not to know what’s up, but we all know what’s up and IT’S ME.
“Be so good they can’t ignore you.”—G. Martin
Re: LADY & THE TRAMP (I’M THE TRAMP)
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Are you just trying to fill some sort of weird sex quota? Why are you having sex with people you don’t even like? Not that you shouldn’t like Tom, he actually sounds adorable. I feel sad for Tom. And me. I should be with Tom. Give him my number and stop having emotionally unavailable intercourse with him.
3:44 PM EST
If you get a text from a 603 #, it’s Tom.
WHAT? Why?
You told me to give him your number.
I was joking. And delirious.
Oh, right! Still waiting on my full write-up.
Need a nap then will send.
Dope.
Tom digs your Insta.
You are a monster!
PARADISE LOST
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
So many things happened in the last 24 hours, I’m not sure where to start or end. I guess the biggest takeaway is that we finished! We got all the shots and all the scenes and all the lines. There was some dialogue that Sophia kept bumping on, so I played it super cool and told her to rewrite it “in her character’s voice.” (Don’t worry, I will retain sole writing credit.) Curtis and I worked great together. He brought his girlfriend, Darcy, as a PA and she was super helpful, although she spent most of yesterday talking to my parents. Ruth and Ken had a blast, by the way. My mom decided she would be in charge of crafty and made a series of inedible dips. My dad kept asking Curtis where to move the lights and offered a plethora of extension cords. It was maximum-level adorable. The shoot ended with a Helmer-sponsored pizza party. What a night to remember!
Professionally, I think I handled myself well. There were a few minor freak-outs (like when Emma spilled soda on her one outfit), but I tried to keep the anxiety on the inside! Curtis helped a lot because he is one of those people you could actually describe as “centered.” I hope to work exclusively with him for the remainder of my career. (He doesn’t know this yet. I am trying not to come on too strong.)
Personally, I was a COMPLETE MESS. Before the shoot, I decided to not engage. I would be civil but not friendly. Nice but aloof. In control, not spiraling. I assumed Jake would be the same. NOPE. Jake was a complete flirt. And not just to me. He spent the entire weekend leapfrogging between Sophia and me. I think he had his hand on someone’s back at all times. It was infuriating! At first I thought he was doing this to punish me in some way? But then I realized it wasn’t intentional. He just loves attention. And Sophia gave it to him. Even my mom laughed at all his dumb jokes! I wanted to vomit!
I can’t believe I ever liked him. I can’t believe I STILL like him. If only Curtis didn’t have a girlfriend and was physically attractive.
Maybe I will just be a recluse filmmaker who never marries but has her finger on the pulse of human emotion despite never experiencing anything other than third base.
“Life is suffering.”—Budd-va
P.S. Tom didn’t even text me. My life is pathetic.
Re: PARADISE LOST
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Not to minimize the bastardness that is chinatownjake98, but my big takeaway from this is your parents throwing a wrap pizza party. I can just see them at the Oscars in a few years, handing out gift bags with your face on it. At what point will they quit their jobs and start working for you full time?
I am so proud of you, sweet baby angel! I can’t wait to see a cut! What are you going to do with it? You should post it on YouTube! YouTube can change lives! You could go viral!
Try to forget about Jake. You officially don’t have to see or worry about him anymore. (Except in the editing room, but I’m sure he will look bad on screen due to his small head.)
“You made a movie!!”—Genevieve Goldman to Ava Helmer, 2017
P.S. I didn’t actually give Tom your phone number. I’m not a psycho.
P.P.S. Although I can if you want.
12:08 AM EST
Just had a thought.
Congratulations!
Funny.
Did your parents really not know about you and Jake the whole time?
Ha! Yeah, right!
They knew everything! That’s why I was especially mad at my mom for having no loyalty.
Everything???
Gross, no.
PG version.
Do you think you will ever keep anything from them ever?
I kept the fingering to myself!
Proud of you.
THE MAN
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
And by the man, I mean my editor, Kent. I went into the office to run my ideas for the security article past him, and he asked where Alex was. I shrugged. I am not his keeper. Kent then let out that disappointed-dad sigh, which I only recognized from the movies because my dad is too out of it to be disappointed. Kent then launched into a tirade about teamwork and subconscious sabotage?? He seems to think I am intentionally making enemies at the Beacon so I have someone to blame if I don’t make staff. (Don’t freak, I am still going to make staff.) He told me I should let my work speak for itself and not get bogged down in office politics. So I immediately asked, “What has Alex been saying?” And then he LAUGHED IN MY FACE. He thought this question proved my paranoia since Alex has said NOTHING about me. What a fucking power move.
I immediately switched gears and pledged my undying loyalty to the paper, the student body, and my country. He told me to stop being a smart-ass.
The meeting ended with him telling me to come back, WITH Alex, if I wanted to talk about the article.
Did I mention that I could see his chest hair the whole time? He really needs to get better-fitting clothes.
Re: THE MAN
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I don’t know how to respond to this without setting you off, so just imagine I am sitting next to you, nodding my support and gently touching your arm.
11:36 PM EST
What was that about?
Nothing …
When have I ever been set off?
Um …
Whenever a male or authority figure tells you what to do.
So you think Kent had a right to yell at me?
Did he yell? Or did he talk?
Like a patronizing little bitch voice is any better than a yell.
I don’t care about Kent. I’m just saying sometimes you overreact. I can’t say whether or not that happened here because I wasn’t there.
Right. You weren’t.
How long you gonna be mad about this?
TBD.
I’ll wait.
REMEMBER ME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hey, It’s Ava. Helmer. From all those years of being your best friend. I just wanted to reach out and say, hey! I think you are really great and here is a list of why I am really great too!
1) Super accessible for all of your friendship needs. Sparse social calendar and lots of free time mean I’m able to put you first.
2) Brutal honesty. Almost (definitely) compulsively honest. So honest you will never have to ask for my opinion because I offer it without thinking.
3) Cool parents who love to buy you T-shirts with funny sayings. Free pizza parties also included.
4) Terrible style. In no danger of me asking to borrow your clothes because I can’t pull them off. Nor would I want to.
5) Super needy, which makes you feel needed. Not ready for kids but want the responsibility of emotionally caring for a human being? Ava is the friend for you!
Hope you enjoyed your BFF refresher! I’ll be here, three hours behind, eagerly awaiting your response.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”—Ava-totle
Re: REMEMBER ME?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
It’s been 3 HOURS! You’re obsessed with me.
LOVE AND BLOOD,
G
4:31 PM EST
Alex called me and wants to “talk.”
Do you think my editor ratted me out?
What do I get if I guess correctly?
What? Nothing.
Not worth the risk of being wrong.
I’m in it to win it.
You are not helping.
Just call him back.
I’ll text him.
MY FATHER, THE FAILURE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I don’t know what’s in the water (other than too much fluoride), but I just got another unexpected phone call. This time it was my father. He really needed to talk to me because he had record-breaking news: he is finally going to get sober!
I found this interesting because long-time fans and followers of the Goldman family might recall him saying something similar in 1999, 2004, summer of 2007, court-mandated winter of 2007, 2010, 2014, and last month. Although the most recent one was delivered in a boisterous, drunken fashion as some sort of sick joke?
You can imagine my skepticism at receiving this news, which set him off. How can I not believe in him? How will he have the strength to battle his disease without the support of those dearest to his heart?
Friends and followers, you might pause at this sort of “fruity” language. I certainly did. My father is more likely to shout out slightly racist slurs than messages of love. When I pointed this out, he sighed a breath full of wisdom and patience he doesn’t deserve. Apparently he is now a friend of Bill W. and living his life for a higher power. (Bill W. is a code word for AA, FYI. In case you didn’t grow up in a broken home.)
I asked him how long he’s been on this journey, and he replied, “Tomorrow is my anniversary. My one-week anniversary.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? CHECK IN AGAIN IN 1 YEAR. OR 3.
He’s trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days and he has this full-time sponsor, Breeze (given name Ralph). Breeze doesn’t think the meetings are enough, though, and is encouraging my father to meditate 2 hours a day, which should fit nicely into his schedule of doing nothing.
My mother hasn’t met Breeze yet, but she thinks he sounds like a wonderful influence. She is SO happy my father finally listened to her about AA. It’s not really a victory when it takes 20+ years, but literally no one is asking for my opinion.
I was pretty dismissive on the call (I guess they expected exuberance), and somehow I ended up getting a lecture about life from a guy who hasn’t been sober for any of it. Did you know that I need to open up my heart to the light and goodness of other people? Did you also know that my father once crashed his car into the giant menorah in front of our synagogue?
I’m really glad my dad is getting sober in time not to completely ruin Hope’s childhood. He said having a daughter finally made him realize he needs to be a better man. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. I HAVE BEEN YOUR DAUGHTER FOR 18 YEARS.
They’re making me FaceTime Hope later so she doesn’t have the mental repercussions of being an only child??? Apparently that is a thing my mother has been actively reading about. My existence in their life is purely service based.
I finally hung up the phone after what seemed like an eternity but was actually only 7 minutes. That seems like the best way to sum up my entire life with them.
Looking forward to NOT accepting his 9th-step apology.
BTW. Alex just wanted to invite me to a party. What a PSYCHO.
Re: MY FATHER, THE FAILURE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Wow. Mark Goldman, everyone. Even when you’re across the country, he somehow has to make your life about him. It would be commendable if it wasn’t so evil.
I don’t know how you handle them in a civilized fashion. I would have run away at 10. I did run away at 10 and my parents are wonderful.
I’m so sorry about all this bullshit. I guess we can only hope he falls off the wagon quickly so he’ll stop calling? Is that too dark? May the force be with him.
At least Hope is cute. Not as cute as you, but PRETTY cute. Maybe once you graduate, you can pretend she was a teen pregnancy and claim her as your own.
Are you going to Alex’s party? Might be an olive branch. Or an elaborate setup for your humiliation. I only said the last part so you couldn’t say it first.
10:36 PM EST
Currently at Alex’s party.
Charlotte is here.
WHAT?!
I thought Alex hated Charlotte?
???
Maybe she’s friends with his roommate?
How big is the party??
Small. 10 people.
Alex is being weird.
How?
Friendly. He must be drunk.
Be nice!
WHY
What are you doing?
Going to Jake’s.
WHAT
WHY
Unclear.
Don’t go!
It’s too late. We just made eye contact!
I’m going in!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
12:13 AM EST
What happened??
Did he kill you??
JAKE, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I AM COMING FOR YOU.
I HAVE A PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS.
11:57 AM PST
Alive and happy!
All good things.
NOW I AM VERY SUSPICIOUS!
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
In an epic turn of events, Jake is now my boyfriend. How is that for a headline?
Yep. I have a boyfriend. An actual boyfriend and not an elaborate setup organized by a frenemy at summer camp.
How did this happen? I have no idea. If you told me you had wired Jake money to commit to me, I would believe you.
Things were confusing on the shoot, as previously mentioned. Since then he’s sent like one “check in about the footage” text, and I barely responded. Then last night he CALLED me and asked me to come over to “talk.”
I assumed this was a thinly veiled booty call but was lonely so agreed. When I got there, he sat me down, very serious, and took my hands. He thanked me for giving him space and being patient. The time and perspective let him realize that what we have is special and he wants to give this (us) a real shot.
WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I searched the room for cameras, wondering if this was a prank video since his roommate is a big deal on social media. I couldn’t find any, so I had to assume he was being sincere.
The last time a boy told me he liked me to my face I was 15 and the boy was 12. (Brad Karp. My weird neighbor who has recently become mega-cute.) I said “ew” and ran away.
If we are being completely honest, I sort of wanted to respond the same way. I’ve been obsessed with Jake since we met, but the moment he opened up and seemed sincere, something inside of me clenched. And not in a good way. Why would someone want to date me? He must be a big-time loser.
I KNOW. I’m the best. Everyone is perfect. Love is love.
Flip side. I’m a mentally unstable flatty who can’t wear real pants because they hurt my stomach. What would a genuinely cool guy want with me?
Luckily, Jake didn’t even wait for a response and instead started kissing me. I guess he assumed I was in shock from happiness? I’m glad that shock is hard to decipher.
Things escalated quickly from there. I think within three minutes he was reaching for a condom. I told him to stop.
SPOILER: I’m pregnant.
JUST KIDDING! I told him I wanted our first time to be special, and I wasn’t clean enough. Yep. That was both an excuse and a real fear. I don’t like anyone to touch my legs if I haven’t shaved in the last two hours. OCD or Jewish genes? Your guess is as good as mine.
He said he understood. His room isn’t the most romantic spot on Greek Row. (I wonder what is.) He then asked for a blow job …
I’ll save you the disgusting heteronormative details, but I think I did OK. I didn’t get lockjaw or throw up, so that was a victory. He asked me to sleep over, but I was in the middle of a mild anxiety attack and said I couldn’t. He kissed me good-bye and fell asleep before I left. (It was only 9:30. Maybe we have more in common than I thought.)
So. I have a boyfriend? Let me know if I seem different.
Re: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
HOLY SHIT! You had a dick in your mouth! That is so gross. I am never talking to you again.
Re: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hahahahahahahaahh
8:31 PM EST
Are people treating you differently now that you’re in a boring monogamous relationship?
Yes. I no longer have to pay for anything because people pity me too much.
4 real, though. You happy?
I think so!
Nervous about .
U don’t have to do it if ur nervous.
Yes I do! He’s my boyfriend.
Who cares?
Probably him.
Eh. Let him not get what he wants for once in his privileged white life.
He’s a quarter Spanish.
BRITNEY SPEARS 2007
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Just met up with Alex to finalize the article and it was like walking into a blizzard. That dude was COLD.
I don’t know what changed between last night and today, but he completely shut me out. I tried to be friendly and speak out loud. In full sentences. Like an adult. Alex could not be bothered to return the favor.
I spent the uncomfortable 40 minutes replaying the party in my head, and the only thing I could think of is maybe he is into Charlotte. (I went home with Charlotte.) But that doesn’t make sense because he hates Charlotte. Or maybe he only said he hated Charlotte because he doesn’t want me to know he likes her? I don’t think Charlotte would be into a trans man anyway. She’s said some pretty questionable things about all-women festivals and including T in LGBT. I don’t know. It would be weird if Alex was into a slightly transphobic person. But maybe I’m interpreting the situation all wrong.
Either way. I’m glad this “group project” is over. Writing is a lonely life and I prefer it that way.
How’s your boyfriend?
Re: BRITNEY SPEARS 2007
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I think it’s safe to say you are interpreting this entire situation wrong. Here is what it looks like from an outsider perspective.
Gen starts working at the paper. Gen meets cute boy who negs her. After a bit of negging, cute boy moves on to more outward forms of flirtation. Cute boy invites Gen to party at his house. Gen leaves with another woman, who cute boy already hates. Cute boy is sad and mad. Gen remains oblivious.
And Charlotte sucks even more than I thought.
What do you think?
Re: BRITNEY SPEARS 2007
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Interesting theory immediately disproved by experts in the field.
11:52 AM EST
My dad just sent me a Gandhi meme.
Which one?
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Has my dad never heard that before???
Oh, right. He’s been drunk.
Now he’s enlightened.
I just LOL’d.
Do I need to respond?
Send back that article about Gandhi’s systematic mistreatment of women.
ON IT.
DR. SHERI BAKER, PH.D.
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I just got picked up from college. By my mom. At least she traded in her minivan for a sleek SUV.
I told her about Jake within five seconds of getting in the car. She said, “Wow. Really?” What the fuck is that? I pressed her on it, and she said that we seemed to work well as friends based on the film shoot. She thought he had a thing for Sophia. WHY WOULD A MOTHER SAY THIS TO HER ANXIETY-RIDDEN DAUGHTER? Now I’m going to have to meticulously watch all interactions between them and turn into a jealous lover who abuses animals. (Do you get my reference?? I go to film school now.)
The rest of the ride was not fun. I hate that. I hate that I am my worst self around the two people who are nicest to me. I’m unable to keep my barriers up when I’m around my parents, so all the ugly comes out. Even when I’m mad, I can feel the guilt spreading through my body, but the mad overrides it.
I always apologize once it’s passed, but that’s not good enough. I’m 18. I can’t freak out on my lovely, supportive parents anytime they say something I don’t like. I’ve put them through enough. She literally drove an hour to drive me 20 minutes and then sit in the waiting room while I went into another room and complained about her. I am a terrible person.
The waiting room was nice, though. Very “organized calm.” I like when the furniture looks expensive because it means they must have a lot of clients. Or a patron spouse …
After 10 minutes of waiting because we were 10 minutes early, Dr. Sheri Baker ushered me into her office. She’s middle-aged but dresses extremely well, which is good for me because I’m not above paying someone solely for fashion advice. God knows I need it!
As soon as I sat down, I launched in my rehearsed spiel: how I got sick, when I got sick, in what ways I remain sick. Ava Helmer 101. But Dr. Baker wasn’t having it. She said we can get to all of that later. She wanted know how I was doing now. In this moment. This really threw me. I was only emotionally prepared to rehash the past. I have no idea how I’m feeling right now! So instead of being productive and painting my mental health history, I spent forty minutes babbling incoherently about my insecurities as a writer? I alluded to my fear that I will never be hired to write because I have nothing interesting to say, and suddenly we were dissecting a creative-writing workshop I did the summer after freshman year of high school?
This woman asks so many questions. It sucked up the whole session! So now she knows nothing about my current life, other than the fact that I’m a shitty writer, and she has no comprehension of what got me to this very unstable place.
I feel like my mom just wasted $200.
And then to add gas to the fire, I was a complete bitch to my mom on the way home.
Re: DR. SHERI BAKER, PH.D.
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Awwwww. Poor Ruth. You should send her flowers. I bet she misses me. Her nice daughter.
I’m sorry you feel like the session was a waste of time. But maybe anything you can talk about for 40 minutes is worth talking about for 40 minutes? (Unless it’s guys’ obsessions with supermodels who would never touch them.)
Why do you think you are a bad writer? I think you are a great writer!
P.S. Molly has reentered my life. She wants to hang out tonight. I’m pretty over watching Shannon eat peanut butter from a jar, so I might go.
P.P.S. Shannon uses her thumb to get the peanut butter. It’s fascinating.
6:30 PM PST
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
DON’T MARRY JAKE.
hahaha
I’m about to go through initiation.
There is no turning back.
You aren’t allowed to drop out???
No I am. I probably will.
OK. Great.
Congratulations?
9:45 PM PST
That was so fucking weird.
What happened? Did you share blood?
I’m legally not allowed to say.
COME ON.
Fine. I’ll just assume everyone makes out in white lingerie.
Messy.
Because it’s white.
You don’t get gay sex.
ON MOLLY
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Get it? (Diet Coke. Or whatever the code word was.)
To be brief, Molly is still crazy. Perhaps clinically. (Maybe we can get Dr. Baker on Skype for a consult.)
I’m pretty sure she was already drunk when I showed up. Although she denied it and made me take shots with her.
I should have grown suspicious when she insisted on going to the South End even though all her friends were partying on a roof in the North End. Molly kept saying undergrad parties are lame. She wanted me to meet some of her older friends. People who would really get me and what I’m all about.
It was creepy as fuck. But I was pretty tipsy (because of the forced shots), so I let her lead me there. It took me wayyy too long to realize that we were outside Charlotte’s door. Do you know when I realized? When Tom came out. Yes, Tom. That guy I slept with and then mostly ghosted. He was there! To witness Molly’s epic meltdown.
He had come outside for a cigarette and spotted me, surprised because he hadn’t realized I’d been invited. I HADN’T been invited, by the way. Molly started laughing: “Oh my god, you fucked this guy too, didn’t you?” How did she know???? Maybe she has an alcohol-induced sixth sense. Or she was bluffing. Either way, the gloves were off!
She started screaming at me for sleeping with Charlotte. How could I after she had confided in me? She confided in me about a person named CHARLIE … but apparently that defense does not hold when you are wasted and mad.
She tried to hit me, Ava. It didn’t work because she just swung her arm wildly at my stomach, but she still tried. Tom had to grab her. She then started screaming: “Domestic abuse! My boyfriend is hitting me.” Which was, honestly, a pretty smart move. It freaked him out enough to let her go, and then she came charging at me again. I thought she was going to claw me, but instead she started hysterically crying and pulled me into a hug. She then muttered, “We’re nothing to her,” 5 or 6 times. It made me much more uncomfortable than the violence.
I looked up and saw Charlotte peering through the window, but she didn’t come outside. I think that was for the best.
After far more crying than I thought I could physically handle, Molly finally calmed down and asked for ice cream. So we got her ice cream??? The clerk at 7-11 couldn’t help but notice the mascara streaking down her face. Tom paid. What a gentleman. He then escorted us back to the dorms and didn’t even try to kiss me. Which made me invite him in, but he declined. He said I should keep an eye on Molly to make sure she didn’t puke and die.
Really, Tom??
I had no choice but to go to Molly’s room and watch her sleep. At least until I fell asleep … I woke up to the sound of Molly shouting at her parents on the phone. Someone had tipped them off (Charlotte??? Tom???) and they were coming to take her home.
By now her roommate was back and willing to take over Molly Watch 2K17. I slipped away and passed out in my own bed.
When I woke up, I went back to Molly’s room, but she was gone. Not just “not there,” but GONE. All her stuff was wiped clean. Her roommate had already pushed the two beds together (lucky bitch).
Now is when I need you to tell me that I didn’t cause my friend’s psychotic break.
Thanks,
G
Re: ON MOLLY
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Wow. I’m so sorry. Are you OK? That sounds like a horrible, disturbing night. I can’t even imagine what I would do in that situation. Flee? I have no tolerance for physical pain or embarrassment.
This is absolutely, 100% NOT YOUR FAULT. This girl has been extremely troubled since you met her.
If anything, I’m mad at her for sucking you into all of this. I feel like unstable people gravitate toward you (myself included). I want nothing more than for you to make a connection with a normal, boring person who still has good taste in music.
Don’t let this upset you any more than it already has. You did nothing wrong (other than fornicating with multiple teachers). And maybe still sleeping with Molly after I said you shouldn’t …
OK. Maybe you did some stuff wrong. But that’s OK. We all make mistakes, and hopefully she will get the help she needs.
My biggest piece of advice remains: stay clear of Charlotte. That woman attracts drama even more than you. I’m starting to think she is actually the source.
Love you, miss you, wouldn’t want to kiss you,
A
5:32 PM EST
How do you think any of this is Charlotte’s fault?
How do you not?
She didn’t even come outside! She just created a mess and left you to deal with it.
She had no idea I knew Molly!
Just like I had no idea she was Charlie.
Or do you not believe that either?
I believe all the things. I just think she isn’t taking any responsibility.
And she shouldn’t sleep with SO many students.
Wow. One blow job and you’re a real expert.
You know my address if you want to mail me an apology for that.
I’m also accepting donations for a better standard of living.
Ask your parents.
8:21 PM PST
Are we in a fight?
No.
You’re not secretly mad?
No.
OK! Off to lose my v card.
WHAT?? AVA!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!
WELL PLAYED
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I’m officially too curious about your blossoming sexuality to remain annoyed. I hope you are having pleasurable, safe fun. Immediately upon completion, write a steamy letter to Penthouse and send it to me instead.
XOXOX MY BABY ANGEL.
Re: WELL PLAYED
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Do my emails read differently now? Now that I’m a full-fledged WOMAN. That’s right! I’ve had a p in my v! On purpose!
Jake went out of his way to make it a special night while still on a budget. He used HotelTonight to get a reservation at a hotel downtown. He borrowed one of his frat brothers’ cars and drove us to this loud Italian restaurant. We ordered overpriced food and then I offered to split the bill. He let me, which was maybe good? I said it very softly, but he still took me up on it. Feminism? Who knows.
I packed a huge overnight bag, which Jake mocked the entire time. I’m sorry, but toiletries take up a lot of room. And I can’t trust that a hotel blow dryer will have the horsepower needed to adequately dry my hair. He also let me carry my bag. Again. Can’t decide if this is good or bad. It wouldn’t have mattered if it had wheels, or my OCD allowed me to put it down on the floor while we checked in, but c’est la vie.
The whole check-in process was very uncomfortable. I felt like a little kid who had run away and was trying to buy cigarettes or something. The concierge couldn’t have cared less, but I kept waiting for him to ask if we wanted the hourly rate. (GET IT?!)
Once we got in the room, I started to panic talk. About bedbugs. Yep. I started to panic that the hotel had bedbugs. I then announced that I would kill myself if I got bedbugs. Really setting the mood!
Jake didn’t talk much. I think he was nervous. He just sat on the bed while I inspected the room for an infestation. It also grossed me out that he sat right on the duvet. Everyone knows you should only touch the parts of a hotel bed that are regularly washed.
After my full failed comedy routine about the minibar (why would anyone pay more for less?), Jake told me to come to the bed. I asked him if we could put the duvet on the floor because of all the bacteria. He laughed and obliged. Then I asked him to take off his clothes because he had already touched the duvet. I think he thought I was being sexy. I wasn’t.
He then told me I had to take off my clothes to be fair. I listened even though I still have intense vagina anxiety due to lack of exposure. Is it normal?? Is it disgusting?? Who knows!
Everything happened really quickly after that. Like really quickly. Maybe two minutes of kissing and then he was asking me to put on a condom, which I found confusing because I do not have a penis. By the time I realized he meant put it on HIM, he had already handled the situation.
There was then some struggle upon entrance, but eventually my virginity was taken.
The actual act was “eh.” But the aftermath was amazing. He held me all night and we laughed and talked until like 1 AM, which is VERY late for me. I didn’t sleep, because how can you possibly sleep when someone is touching you? But it still felt incredible. We got up late and got breakfast at a place down the street. (He paid! It was $13.54.)
He dropped me off at my dorm and said, “See ya later, Girlfriend.” I squealed for fifteen minutes. Jessica had to leave the room.
Anyway, the whole thing was super worth it because you’re not secretly mad at me anymore! Who knew all I needed to do was put out!
Re: WELL PLAYED
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
IT’S LIT FAM! My baby girl is a woman in heteronormative culture! She’s out there proving penetration is overrated!
Proud of you, boo. Don’t tell your parents.
ALSO: SHOP K-Y LUBRICANTS ON PRIME PANTRY.
3:21 PM PST
I haven’t heard from Jake. What if this was all an elaborate scheme to take my virginity and he has fled the country?
Why would he flee the country?
Commitment to scam.
Do you think he could not find a single other person to have nonscam sex with?
I have no idea! I’ve never had nonscam sex!
I feel the need to tell you that it’s only been 3 hours.
3 hours is a real trigger time for you.
I feel like a dirty slut who is being punished for having premarital sex.
…
Delete that. Obviously.
I think you are spiraling.
Absolutely.
Can you go distract yourself?
Or maybe just text him?
It’s 2017. Not 2038. I’ll text him first if I’m pregnant.
Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t have to contact someone just because you’re getting an abortion.
That’s like sending a card for Arbor Day.
I’m so glad I have you to put everything in perspective.
What are you going to do?
I have to go look at a cut of the short with Curtis.
No better way to get over my ex-boyfriend than to stare at his face all afternoon.
#Hollywood
#VIPLYFESTYLE
#ISHARRYSTYLESBI?
He’s not bi. You have to get over this.
SQUAD GOALS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I made a friend. That’s right. A friend who I have no interest in sleeping with. (I guess Kent is my friend. But he is my editor first and foremost.)
We all went to Kent, my editor’s, house for a kick back. Every department came because there was free cake. (One of the managing editors has a hookup at this bakery. Cannot stress enough the importance of having someone in your life who has a hookup to a bakery.)
Alex was there. He was a brat the whole night. I mean he laughed and mingled and had a good time but wouldn’t look at me once. Even though I looked incredible and had the best party stories.
But I didn’t care because I finally talked to the 2 girls from the Lifestyle section. One of them, Kelly, is about as basic as Emerson admits. Jazmin on the other hand is cool as fuck. She’s from Miami and does not give a shit. She has a popular fashion Tumblr and more bandeaus than you can even imagine.
She’s a junior, and last year her friend (now graduated) made this crazy drink at the Beacon holiday party. It’s called The Force. You need to make it in a bathtub.
So we made it in the bathtub. Kent, my editor, was upset at first, but then the Force was with him and he got over it REAL QUICK. We were the hits of the party. Sitting on the edge of the tub, using a ladle to get turnt.
Turns out you can get to know someone real fast when you’re wasted. I feel closer to Jazmin than anyone else on this coast and we had barely talked before last night. She is just a good person disguised as a cool person. You would love her. We’re going to get brunch in 15. I’m brunching! What am I? Well-adjusted and straight?!
Did that jerkface ever text you? Or is he still air ballooning around the world?
Re: SQUAD GOALS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Are you trying to break my heart, Gen? I mean I’m glad you have a friend or whatever, but it seems like you’re moving really fast. It took six months for you to even eat breakfast near me.
I’ll try to be the bigger person here, ignore your new friendship, and change the topic to make it about me.
I spent four hours with Curtis yesterday. His first cut was … questionable? It ran like 15 minutes. The script was 7 pages. LOTS of reaction shots.
I might need to work on my poker face for disappointment. I made a few audible “ughs,” which was not nice to Curtis. I tried to cover it up later, and we reached a really good middle ground. (The cut is still over 6, but change takes time.)
Sophia did a great job. Jake … not so much. Most of the editing involved looking for alternate takes of Jake not overacting. We ended up using a lot of his face before I called, “Action.”
He finally texted me, by the way. To ask if I was sore. GROSS! SO GROSS! I wasn’t, but I wrote back yes to be nice. I told him I was editing, and he got kind of mad that he wasn’t invited. I didn’t think he would want to be in the editing session. Also, it’s not like I gave him approval over the edit or something, which I probably should have given to my parents.
I sent him a link to the short after the edit as a courtesy, and then he emailed me back a whole slew of notes. Um. Do I have to listen to these notes? Most of them are bad. I guess a couple make sense … I don’t like being criticized. Not really a turn-on for me.
Wow. I’m so mad about the notes I actually forgot you are replacing me with your new bandeau-wearing BFF. At least remember me whenever you get ice cream. I love ice cream.
10:34 PM EST
I want to see the short!
No! It’s not ready!
But you sent it to stupid Jake!
I love you more in a single second than he’ll love anyone in his entire lifetime!
Awww, that’s so mean and creepy.
So you will send?
No. My fragile ego can’t afford any more notes.
I’ll be a yes-woman! I’ll love it all!
That’s even worse!
ADULT EMANCIPATION
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Can you emancipate when you are over 18? Just to send a strong message that you don’t want to hear from your family anymore.
I made the horrible mistake of disclosing Molly’s departure to my parents. My father started rambling about addiction and releasing one’s self from one’s ego. He then asked me if I’ve taken responsibility for enabling her. WTF? I’m not her drug dealer. Apparently my energy encourages reckless behavior. Really, Dad? Do you think Ava is reckless? (He finds you to be too caught up in your “sickness” to be tempted by other vices.)
Within a minute I was screaming: Did Mom enable you? Is that why you’ve been checked out for 20 years? He didn’t take my bait and remained eerily calm.
I hate people who remain calm. It makes my shouting less satisfying.
My mom finally butted in and told him to leave me alone. She then immediately ruined this act of solidarity by taking complete responsibility for my dad’s inability to stay sober.
Again. WTF? How can my mom possibly think it’s all her fault? How can he let her think that? Their entire dynamic is disgusting. Hope started crying before I could hang up the phone, so they hung up on me. I can’t believe they got to keep all the power AGAIN.
I’m not an enabler, am I? Do you think I act like my mom? Am I the reason Molly left?
I’m raging out.
Re: ADULT EMANCIPATION
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Jesus Christ. I don’t think you can get emancipated as an adult, but maybe my parents can still legally adopt you?
I wish you recorded these conversations so you could use them as ammo in the future. Or just put them in a documentary about crazy people.
You are not an enabler. You are a college kid who sometimes makes bad decisions. You’re not responsible for some random girl’s life. She was screwed up before you even entered the picture. The only thing I wish would change maybe is the kind of people you surround yourself with. You don’t need to hang out with uptight losers (present company excluded), but maybe there is a happy medium?
Either way, that’s just something to think about in the future. In the meantime, I suggest putting your dad’s face on a dartboard and really going to town.
7:12 AM PST
I think I have bedbugs.
U don’t have bedbugs.
HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?
Sixth sense.
*Bug sense.
This isn’t funny.
I should have never have gone to the hotel.
Yeah, u totally should have lost it in that frat house.
My whole body is itchy.
Do you have bite marks?
I have mystery bumps.
Those are just boobs.
(.) (.)
EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!