Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Your favorite lady’s got another hit on her hands! That’s right! Our scathing exposé is going viral! On a campus of under 4,000 people.
There are already rumors of a student protest. I’m not sure what their angle will be exactly, but I can’t wait to cover it!
I think the good news put a cease-fire on my feud with Alex. We exchanged a smile and a few words. I thought about asking for a high five but didn’t want to push it.
I’m a little afraid I’m going to get spoiled by all of this critical acclaim. I wonder how Kent, my editor, is going to feel when I become his editor in chief.
Charlotte reached out about it, obviously. She wants to celebrate. I’m gonna tell her to invite Tom so we can turn this into a real party.
JK. I will probably just go to dinner with Jazmin. I’ve become very boring in my success.
2:15 PM PST
My mom just sent me your article.
Hahaha
Does she think she keeps better tabs on you than me?
I mean we do FaceTime all the time.
No you don’t.
Do you??
IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Remember when I first told you I was going to join a sorority and you pretended like that was a good idea but we both knew you were lying?
Tonight was Monday Night Dinner. (A terrible tradition wherein I have to get dressed up every Monday and eat cooked carrots with the entire house.) I entered the room and looked for an open seat. All of these girls are supposed to be my closest friends and confidantes, but the idea of talking to them made me more nervous than asking a stranger to push a floor number on an elevator. I feel like no one here genuinely likes me and they are all forming these friendships while I sit around looking like a moron. No one is rude or anything. It’s worse. It’s like I’m not even there. It’s how I felt every moment of high school when you weren’t around. When am I going to outgrow this feeling? When will I find my people? Grad school? Nursing home?
I finally picked a spot next to Chelsea, who I thought was becoming my friend but then stopped trying a couple weeks ago. (If you’ll remember, she was too busy sucking face at a party to accompany me to the bathroom that one time.) She smiled and everything but spent the whole dinner talking to everyone else. I think I maybe said 10 words, and you know how hard it is to get me to shut up.
Emma was my only real friend here and now she’s gone.
You think I would be better at all of this since I went to that social skills class when I was 12. I wonder if it is too late to get a refund.
Our Date Dash with ZBT is coming up. (It’s just a big party with my sorority and Jake’s fraternity.) Maybe that will be fun? Or awful.
I wish I liked to drink. Drunk people seem happier.
Re: IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
As a child of an alcoholic, let me assure you that drunk people are absolutely much happier. And destructive and unhealthy and miserable! You don’t need to be intoxicated to have fun. You just need more stimulation than a room full of crop tops talking about The Bachelor.
I never thought you shouldn’t join a sorority. I thought you should try to join a sorority and see how it went. It sounds like it’s not going great? What’s your reasoning for staying in it at this point?
I don’t want to suggest a pro-and-con list, but if you decided to do something that dorky on your own, I wouldn’t be against it.
Re: IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
PROS
1) Normalcy. After a childhood of mostly hanging out with my parents and attending cognitive behavioral therapy sessions, being in a sorority feels excitingly average. It’s what regular, evenly balanced people do before getting married and having kids without the fear of postpartum depression.
2) Cool. I feel cool. Even if it’s not a top house, some girls don’t get into any house. And I got in. So I want to rub that in people’s faces a bit.
3) Social life. I attend class for maybe a total of 15 hours 4 days a week. I need set activities to fill the rest of the time. Outside of the house I really only have Sophia and Emma, who have their own set of friends. I guess I could try to transition into one of their crews, but that seems forced and uncomfortable. The rest of the screenwriting kids hang out a lot. Maybe I should attend more of their events, even though they make fun of my lack of film knowledge.
4) Boys. I know I already have a boyfriend, but what if we break up and I need to find a new one? Drunk frat guys seem like low-hanging fruit.
CONS
1) I hate it.
Technically, pros are winning in terms of numbers …
12:04 AM EST
You have to quit the sorority.
I know.
MY SEPTUM AND OTHER UPDATES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I’m officially in love with Jazmin. And not sexually! If anything, I keep waiting to fall sexually in love with her, but our sisterhood bond is too strong. (The body rejects incest. That is just science.)
We spent all afternoon and night together and I didn’t get bored once! That is huge for me when not sleeping with someone. She cooked us dinner??? Yes. I had a home-cooked meal that did not start in a can or microwavable box. I didn’t know vegetables could taste edible! Maybe I will not die at 27 now like all of the greats.
Her apartment is rad. She has a studio in the North End. Her boyfriend used to live with her but now he lives back in Miami. They’re in an open relationship. I didn’t realize straight people could be so chill too.
After we got red wine tipsy, we wanted to go do something fun that didn’t involve other people, so we went to this tattoo parlor. Jazmin got a heart on her finger and I got a septum piercing. NBD. Just the coolest piercing a chick can get other than her nipple. I’m about to post 10 different photos to my Insta. I already know you will hate it, but I’m obsessed. I look like a bull. In a very good sexy in-charge way.
I wanted Jazmin to get her septum pierced too, but she said too many people already think she’s gay.
Ava. I look like a boss. Can’t wait for my parents to not notice.
9:32 AM PST
I love it!!!
Really??
Oh, yeah! It looks amazing!
I think I should get one too.
Ya?
Definitely! After I get a few teardrop face tattoos.
That’s not an OK joke.
Why???
For so many social, economic, and racial reasons.
Sorry
MILEY & LIAM
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Remember when Miley and Liam broke up and everyone thought that it was over forever but then OUT OF NOWHERE they got back together stronger than ever!?? I remember. I think about it every day. Especially on this day of all days where I called my brand-new boyfriend an “assjerk.”
I feel like I haven’t set the scene for you in a while. So let me do so now.
INT. ZBT HOUSE—JAKE’S ROOM—EVENING
The air is warm from a series of elaborate Snapchat videos wherein Tyler drenched himself with Gatorade while sitting on his bed.
Tyler exits to shower. Leaving Jake and Ava alone for the first time.
AVA
He just ruined his bed.
JAKE
Nah. It will dry.
AVA
He’s not going to wash it???
JAKE
He’ll wash it or it will dry. Whatever. It’s not our bed.
Jake tries to make a move on Ava, but she is too antsy.
AVA
I think I’m gonna quit Gamma Phi.
Jake laughs. Distracted by his attempt to make another move.
AVA
I’m serious. I hate it.
JAKE
Since when?
AVA
Since always.
A bit of debate wherein Ava concedes she hasn’t always hated it. The first week was pretty fun. But that’s it.
JAKE
I don’t think you should quit. Our Date Dash is next week! We’ll have fun!
AVA
OK. I’ll quit next week.
JAKE
No! Just give it the semester.
AVA
Why do you care if I’m in a sorority?
JAKE
It’s more fun. It’s a similar lifestyle. We won’t see each other as much if you drop out.
AVA
Why? It’s not like we are in the same sorority.
Jake shrugs and becomes angry quiet.
AVA
I don’t feel like I fit in.
JAKE
That’s because you’re not trying.
Welcome to the climax of our argument where I find out that Jake thinks I purposefully stay on the sidelines of social events because I’m “better” than everyone. EVER HEARD OF SOCIAL ANXIETY, JAKE? Or were you not listening when I gave you a complete breakdown of my various disorders.
I cry. Then yell. Then cry some more. He shuts down. I apologize. He thinks I’ve changed my mind about staying in the sorority and tries to make another move. I clarify that I’m apologizing for the yelling and crying. Not for my informed decision to quit the sorority. He gets mad again. I ask if I should leave. He shrugs. I leave.
Red Gatorade drips onto the floor.
I don’t get it. Why does it matter if I stay?? I understand the Date Dash thing and I’m willing to wait that out, but four years of not knowing where to sit on a Monday night? No guy is worth that. Maybe Michael B. Jordan. But that’s it.
11:52 AM EST
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Dump him!
What? No! It was one fight.
But he’s trying to control you!
He’s not. I think he was just surprised.
I don’t care what he was. He should never tell you what to do.
I tell you what to do all the time and you don’t dump me.
Ur not a cis straight male.
Try to remember that you’ve only been gay for two minutes.
I’ve been gay my whole life.
I thought you didn’t believe in labels.
I’m simplifying it for you.
Got it. Well, I’ll go live my dumb straight lifestyle with my controlling boyfriend.
Remember to shave your legs and adhere to unnatural beauty standards!
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Drop the class. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to drop Earth Science: Natural Disasters, so I will have to settle for a D-. I don’t understand why the honors program requires science. This is a vocational and technical school. Everyone here already knows what they want to do. And it’s not digging up rocks.
My professor had no empathy. I asked if I could retake the exam since I’ve been absorbed in the paper, and he was like: nah. So now my honors scholarship might be on probation, and there is no way I can afford to go here without it. My dead grandma’s government bonds aren’t enough to cover the whole tuition.
I’m so fucked. I guess I’ll have to actually study for the final. Remember when being exceptionally smart was enough to get by?
Re: IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Oh, no! I’m so sorry! What happened? Did you just not study at all? You’re the smartest person I know, but there’s no way for you to know details about Earth’s geological core without actually reading about it.
Could you do extra credit of some sort? Does that exist in college?
I’m sure it will be fine. Just start trying and ace the final. The scholarship is there until it isn’t, so there is no use worrying about something that isn’t actually happening. (This is a Dr. Baker original! I’m loving it!)
If it makes you feel any better, I showed my parents the most recent cut of my short and they both smiled and said, “It’s not really for us.” I cried.
9:13 PM EST
Why does everyone get to see this motherfucking movie other than me?
No one else is going to see it. Ever.
Come on. Did they really say that?
Basically! They didn’t laugh the entire time, and when I asked if they hated it, my mom said, “I was just trying to listen.”
Ruth has a hard time hearing!
It’s awful. I can’t believe I wasted everyone’s time making it.
It’s not awful. U’ve never done anything awful.
What about my wardrobe all of 10th grade?
Not the same. And it was worth it for the TBT photos.
I feel so embarrassed! I’m such an idiot!
UR not an idiot. I’m actually failing a class and I’m not embarrassed. I’m just mad.
You’re always mad.
Correct.
YOU WERE RIGHT
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Revel in it. Brag about it. And then shut up please.
I spent the night with Alex. WE DIDN’T HAVE SEX. But we did kiss for a bit!! EEP!
How did this happen, you ask? I have no idea.
I went into the office last night to pitch some ideas to Kent, my editor, but he was off LARPing somewhere. The only other person around was Alex. But he wasn’t working. He was just watching Curb on the managing editor’s computer and eating popcorn. I didn’t even know the Beacon had a microwave. I pulled up a chair and we didn’t speak for an entire episode. But by the third one we were having a great time and the popcorn was gone. He asked if I wanted to get a real meal and discuss Larry David’s dependence on J. B. Smoove. I agreed. I thought we would just go somewhere local, but he suggested this poke place in East Boston.
We took the Blue Line to get there. I fell into him on the T and then sort of stayed close. As an experiment. He didn’t move away. He was wearing a bow tie and hair gel. It almost felt like we hadn’t been involved in a feud since the moment we met!
Dinner was fun. I felt nervous for some reason. In addition to being a snarky asshole, Alex is very smart. I don’t feel dumb around him, but I certainly feel silly if I talk too long or monopolize the conversation (my normal MO).
After dinner he asked if I had plans. I said I didn’t and he looked surprised. He said he assumed I always had plans. For some reason I found this offensive and felt the need to inform him that I often do nothing and that my best friend in the entire world is a huge homebody weirdo. He laughed and asked if I wanted to go home now. I said no. So we went candlepin bowling.
Turns out, it’s even harder to bowl when the pins are smaller. But that didn’t stop Alex from crushing it. He was like exceptionally good at using a heavy ball to knock down wood. I don’t know why this is so attractive to me.
At this point I still couldn’t tell if it was a date or not, and I think Alex felt the same way. I tried to make it a point to ask him to show me how to throw the ball correctly, but he just talked through his own throw instead of showing me with my body. WHICH IS THE MOST CLASSIC DATE MOVE.
We finished a third round around 11 and then stood in front of the train station not sure what to do. My mind was racing with all of these thoughts, and then I heard your voice loud and clear: “He likes you, you idiot!” So I kissed him.
And it was ALL THE FEELS. Like the MOST FEELS! My stomach turned and it was romantic. I felt like a princess? Or a knight? Holy shit, was it good. I didn’t even want to get a room. I just wanted to stand outside with him forever.
WHO AM I?! THIS IS DISGUSTING!
Finally I asked if I could come home with him, and he looked startled. He always looks startled whenever I say anything. He mumbled, “Sure,” took my hand, and led me to the train.
I don’t think I said anything the entire way home. And I was completely awake. Is this how shy people feel all the time? It’s horrible. And exhausting. I kept trying to think of something interesting or informed to say. I came up with nothing. Alex didn’t say anything either, but he seemed content to sit in silence, which is another type of person I can’t relate to. It took all of my restraint to stop myself from taking out my phone and playing Best Fiends. Alex seems too intellectual for a puzzle adventure game.
Once we got to his house, I felt more comfortable. We started joking about Kent, my editor, who is always a source of endless fodder. Who is picking out his clothes? Why do they not fit?
After a full hour of not kissing, I asked if we could kiss again. Alex laughed. I had to ask a SECOND time. He allowed it. We then did some PG bed kissing until I fell asleep (I’m assuming from all of the emotional exhaustion). In the morning, he told me not to tell anyone.
Yes, you heard that right. HE told ME, the master of discretion, not to tell anyone. Who am I going to tell? Kent the virgin?
He then mumbled some stuff about work and not wanting to mix business with pleasure. I honestly stopped listening because I was so offended. Did he really think I was going to tell anyone? Why would I do that? We are both vying for the same position. I’m not giving the Beacon any ammo to use against me.
Honestly, the whole thing felt like a power play, but I’m going to ignore it. Maybe he has some secret girlfriend. Maybe he finds my unrelenting confidence embarrassing? Either way, this will be a secret, torrid affair.
How was your night?
HUGS AND MANIPULATION,
G
Re: YOU WERE RIGHT
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
How have you hooked up with so many people in so little amount of time? This is not judgment. This is pure admiration and genuine curiosity. How. Do. You. Do. It?? Is it a pheromone? Is it something to be taught? Have you just been lying this whole time and you’re a virgin? TELL ME.
I also have some gender and sexuality questions about Alex’s … hardware. But I am afraid to ask. Maybe you could just tell me and not make me feel like an ignorant IDIOT.
I had an uneventful night writing. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I HATE WRITING. It is the worst, most painful exercise in masochism. Who am I to think that I have anything worth saying? All of my assignments have been trite and predictable. How will I possibly write an entire feature next semester? (Technically I only have to write an entire outline, but it’s basically the same thing minus 80 pages.) I would change majors, but I can’t think of anything else worth doing (you know, other than saving lives or making a lot of money).
I know this is dumb, but I feel like a writer? Even if I hate writing? Is that allowed?
Meeting with Curtis today to finish the cut. I want to scrap the whole thing, but that doesn’t seem fair to everyone who worked on it for free. I should probably have a cast and crew screening. Maybe on the night of the ZBT Date Dash???? Jokes.
I hate everything.
10:27 AM EST
Why does my body hurt all the time?
Hmmm
Poor diet? Lack of exercise? The human condition?
Cool. Cool. Any tips?
Other than murder-suicide.
Drink more water?
REALISTIC TIPS! SOMETHING I COULD ACTUALLY DO!
When having sex, try more vigorous positions to increase your heart rate.
THANK YOU! V HELPFUL.
I can’t believe you’ve had sex.
I know it’s crazy!
What positions have you tried?
Just the one.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF USC
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Sorry. That was the best I could do in terms of a subject line about female drama. I guess it’s not even female drama. Maybe I should I have said BACHELOR IN USC. (Is it clear that I don’t watch reality TV and have a hard time connecting with my peers?)
I had lunch with Sophia and started talking to her about the short and referred to Jake as my boyfriend. She made a face. I guess she didn’t know we were back together or official. I was confused because I thought she liked Jake. Maybe a little too much. It turns out that she did like Jake until he tried to kiss her in my parents’ house during a “take five.”
Apparently she found the come-on aggressive, and he got pissy when she rejected him. I listened to her story in complete shock. On the one hand, we weren’t together at the time and he was allowed to make a fool of himself however and with whomever he wanted. On the OTHER hand, what the fuck! He tried to hook up with another girl in my house??? Why is he dating me if he doesn’t even like me as much as he likes Sophia? Am I sloppy seconds? But not even sloppy, because she rejected him? Also, why did she reject him? Was it out of loyalty to me or an aversion to him? Is there anyone I can trust anymore?
I don’t know what to do. We are supposed to hang out tonight, but I am so mad and anxious I want to rip my skin off. Why can’t anything ever just be nice or easy? Why am I in a constant state of torment? If this is life, no thanks.
10:01 PM EST
Are you hurting yourself?
Ava?
I’m gonna call your mom if you don’t respond.
9:05 PM PST
Sorry. Was in class.
Only you would go to class during a complete meltdown.
I have to go. You are required to go to class.
Did you hurt yourself?
Not bad. Just scratches.
Where?
Stomach. It’s fine. No razor.
Are you gonna tell your mom?
No way. Maybe my therapist.
OK.
No boy is worth this.
It’s not his fault. It’s my fault. I don’t have coping mechanisms.
OK. Can you ask for those?
Ha. I’ve been asking my whole life.
What are you going to do now?
See my cheating boyfriend.
Don’t. Cancel until you feel better.
I will never feel better.
That’s the spirit!
12:32 AM EST
How is it going?
I don’t know.
How do you not know?
I don’t know.
Do you want me to talk to him?
No.
9:40 PM PST
Stop FaceTiming me!
I want to talk to Jake!
You’re drunk. Go home.
Jazmin thinks you should dump him.
You’re both drunk.
Jazmin wants to talk to Jake!
Power off.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I don’t want to tell you.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Why?? Are you OK??
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m fine. I’m better. I just know you won’t like what happened so I don’t want to talk about it.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
“That’s not how friendship works.”—Ava Helmer, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017
I don’t care “what” happened. I just care if you’re OK.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m fine. I talked to Jake about it, and he thought I already knew. He assumed girls tell each other everything and thought it was water under the bridge. He never really liked her; he just got caught up in the shoot. (Once we wrapped he realized that she is a bit of a bitch. I don’t think that’s true, but she is standoffish.) If anything, the incident with her made him realize how much he liked me. We also talked about the sorority, and now I understand his point of view better. He wants to have fun with me and spend more time with me and thinks it will be easier if we are both in the Greek system. I told him I’d go to Date Dash with an open mind and not make any rash decisions right away. He felt terrible that I felt terrible and stroked my hair for the longest anyone has stroked my hair. I don’t know. I want to be happy. And he (mostly) makes me happy. Don’t judge me.
11:56 PM EST
OK. Love you.
You don’t think I’m an idiot?
Don’t put words in my mouth.
AND THE PLOT THICKENS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Last night at our weekly meeting, Kent, my editor, announced that our faculty adviser, Ric, would be stepping down due to a family obligation in the Midwest. First of all, that’s weird. And vague. Don’t tell a bunch of nosey reporters that. Now we are all trying to figure out what’s wrong with his mysterious Midwestern family and why he would leave a great job at the Globe to figure it out. (My theory involves a second, secret family and a love child.)
In the meantime we’ve been assigned an interim adviser and that person is, drumroll, please, my old friend Charlotte Huang. So now I’ve had sex with my TA and my faculty adviser. Pretty cool.
Not everyone was pleased with this news. And by everyone, I mean Alex. He actually left the room after Kent announced it. I think I was the only one who noticed because I was the only one who had been obsessively monitoring his every adorable move. After people were given their assignments, the meeting ended and I found Alex typing furiously in the hallway. I informed him that he had been assigned a riveting piece about the new key cards for the dorms. He wouldn’t even look at me.
After a minute of silence he finally growled, “I’m not going to work for someone who is openly transphobic.” Yikes! How do you argue with that? Also, do I want to argue with that when he is my biggest competition? If he walks away, that staff spot is mine. This is not a great thing to think, but I thought it. And I also felt embarrassed because I’m not trans so I have no idea what it’s like to feel attacked and unsafe.
“It’s only temporary.” Not the right response. Alex launched into a tirade about allowing bad behavior to continue and not standing up to things because “it’s not that big a deal.” In my defense, I didn’t realize the extent of Charlotte’s transphobia. Alex showed me an article she wrote about female safe spaces, and it was … questionable. She didn’t directly use the term “women-born-women,” but it was certainly implied.
After I picked my jaw up from the floor, I told Alex to talk to Kent. Maybe they could get someone else. It’s only an interim position, it’s not like it was formally announced outside of our meeting. But he wouldn’t. He doesn’t want to look like a crybaby tattletale. He would rather make a statement and leave. Maybe write an exposé about it for em Magazine (our biggest/only competition).
I thought this was a dumb strategy. So I flagged down Kent and showed him Charlotte’s article. Kent replied, “Aren’t you dating Charlotte?” WHOA KENT!! How does he know?? Also, who says “dating”???
I quickly replied no, but not before Alex turned a shade of purple I have never seen in nature before. Was it anger? Embarrassment? Jealously? A familiar desire to throttle Kent?
Kent promised he would look into it and talk to the managing editors and editor in chief (I always forget that he’s not actually in charge because he has such a commanding presence in his itty-bitty T-shirts.) I thanked him. Alex grunted.
Kent then went off to do whatever Kent does (which I’m starting to think is NSA-level spying). I asked Alex if he wanted to keep talking somewhere else. He said no.
I wish I could elaborate, but he literally just said “no” and left. WTF? I didn’t write transphobic articles, Alex! Why are you mad at me?? Men be cray cray.
Re: AND THE PLOT THICKENS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Here is another cray-cray thought. Maybe extensively Google everyone’s online profile before having sex with them? Did you really not know Charlotte was problematic? Please tell me that you’re finally done with her.
10:05 AM EST
For someone who asks not to be judged, you certainly fling around a lot of judgment.
Jake isn’t openly transphobic.
How do you know? It’s not like ur super enlightened to that stuff.
???
You asked me about Alex’s genitals.
Privately!!!
Still.
OH, SO I CAN’T ASK ANY QUESTIONS?
That seems like a GREAT way to stay informed.
It’s not a thing you’re allowed to ask.
WELL, NOW I KNOW.
And I’m embarrassed.
I’m done with Charlotte.
Sure.
3:25 PM PST
Did you talk to my mom?
Y?
So you talked to her?
Yeah. She checks in. I’m the daughter she never had.
Did you tell her I’ve been hurting myself?
No …
GEN! It was a couple of scratches. Now she wants me to move home!
What?! I told her it wasn’t a big deal.
Then why did you bring it up???
Just to monitor it. I’m so far away I feel helpless.
I just don’t want a repeat of junior year.
Well, there is a higher chance of that now that my parents are going to ruin my life.
Can you talk to them? I’m sure they’re just overreacting and will calm down.
Yeah, my parents are so calm and rational when it comes to my mental health.
I’m sorry. Do you want me to call her back?
No. You’ve done enough.
5:21 PM PST
They said I could stay.
Really?? That’s great!
Yeah. But if I do it again, I’m out of the dorm.
Are you going to do it again?
You guys don’t get it. It’s just a coping mechanism. If I wanted to actually kill myself, I would just kill myself.
What a great case for self-harm! Does it need a spokesperson?
I don’t want to talk to you anymore.
OK. Sorry for caring!
TO BE, OR NOT TO BE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Dana Scully for Halloween? Or maybe Sia? I could just wear a blanket over my face? There are so many choices and so many articles:
25 FEMINIST COSTUMES FOR THIS HALLOWEEN
14 BADASS LADIES TO BE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
32 REASONS NOT TO SLUT SHAME ON HALLOWEEN
Part of me wants to go as my little sister and then when people ask me what I am I can say “a mistake.” JUST KIDDING. They love her more than me.
What are you going to be, my little angel princess?
SKULLS AND PUMPKINS,
G
Re: TO BE, OR NOT TO BE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
This year for Halloween, I think I will be: mortified. It’s sort of an abstract idea, but I can pull it off.
The Gamma Phi/ZBT Date Dash was last night. I can safely say it will be my last Gamma Phi event unless I am reincarnated as a cooler person.
Everything started out fine because Jake was there. I didn’t have to worry about where to sit on the bus because I sat next to him. I didn’t have to worry about where to go because I went with him. I felt very safe and cared for.
But then Jake got drunk. And drunk Jake isn’t great at staying put. I quickly lost track of him and found myself standing by myself even though it was an event for my sorority. Everyone around me was wasted, but I only managed to take one shot before feeling like I was going to vomit. I finally found Jake making an ass of himself on the dance floor.
I tried to get him to sit down with me, but he wouldn’t. He said I could dance or I could leave. So I left. The event. Which you are not supposed to do. But I couldn’t take it anymore, so I Ubered home. (This is completely against the rules, just to give you some insight into my mental state.)
I stayed awake until 1 AM waiting for Jake to call me in a panic, but he never did. I’m sending in my resignation now. At least Emma is happy for me. Or I hope she’ll be happy for me when I tell her.
11:54 AM EST
Please tell me you are going to dump him.
If he ever bothers to reach out. Maybe he forgot he has a girlfriend.
He certainty acted like it.
I can’t wait for you to meet someone who loves you like I do.
As a platonic friend?
Funny.
I’m sorry he is a douche.
Did you officially quit?
Yeah, but no one wrote back.
Maybe they all forgot I was in the sorority.
Who is this again?
JOKES. I could never forget you.
Eh. I give it another year.
Jazmin sounds pretty cool.
Yeah. Too cool. I prefer to be the cool one in the relationship.
In that case: BFF 4 LYFE.
SPORTY SHANNON
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
In an effort to continue my study of Shannon, I accepted her invitation to watch a Quidditch match. Unfortunately for me there was little magic to be found. There was, however, a shitload of unabashed geekiness.
What follows geekiness around? Why, Kent, my editor, of course! Turns out, that guy moonlights as the official announcer for all Boston-area Quidditch games! He’s actually pretty funny, and I saw not 1 but 3 living females swoon over him. No wonder that guy has so much awkward swagger!
Shannon is just a sub on the Boylston Berserkers, but that didn’t stop her from shouting THE ENTIRE TIME. That girl has a mouth on her! She trashed-talked the Old North Outlaws from start to finish, and if anyone other than me had been listening, I’m sure some sort of broomstick brawl would have broken out. Both Jazmin and I were riveted.
I wish I could tell you who won, but I was too caught up in Kent’s radioworthy commentary as well as Shannon’s repressed rage.
You may be asking yourself: Why would anyone bother to play a made-up game? Couldn’t tell you! Probably involves a limited high school social life and Emerson’s lack of actual sports. The entire day felt decidedly British, which was a nice cheap way to feel cultured.
I would give Quidditch 4 out of 5 stars. (1 star deducted because the brooms don’t actually fly.)
Next up: observing Shannon’s beauty routine without her consent.
How you doing, boo?
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
It’s official. I now have an ex-boyfriend. After not hearing from Jake all day, he finally texted me this: “Just woke up. Had a lot (of booze) to sleep off.”
WHAT??? Did he really not notice that I had LEFT? How is that possible?? So I wrote back: “We need to talk.” He wrote back: “Y?” Off to a great start!
Within an hour I was in his room crying and pleading with him not to break up with me even though I had gone there to break up with him! I don’t really know how this happened. I guess I expected some resistance or pleading, but instead he replied, “I’ve been thinking the same thing.” FUCK YOU! Since when???
This response freaked me out so much I was desperate to fix it. I can barely emotionally handle dumping someone. I definitely can’t handle being dumped. It didn’t matter, though. He was completely checked out.
After it became clear he wasn’t going to change his mind, I stormed out shouting, “Let me know if you want Sophia’s number!” He murmured, “I already have it.”
REMIND ME TO NEVER DATE AGAIN! FEELINGS ARE TERRIBLE! PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE.
Maybe I will move home.
12:17 PM EST
Don’t move home.
Why not? My parents are the only people on this coast who like me.
What about Sophia? What about Emma?
What about them? I never see them.
What about Curtis?
He has a girlfriend!
As a friend!
I’ve yelled at him too much for him to be my friend.
I’m still your friend! And you yell at me all the time!
I do???
Of course no one likes me.
Call Emma. Make her hang out.
That’s embarrassing.
Yes. Asking someone to hang out = very embarrassing.
You just ask random people to hang out??
All the time. I haven’t spent a moment alone in years.
Maybe I will transfer to Emerson.
We would love to have you!
REMEMBER WHEN ZAYN LEFT ONE DIRECTION??
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
This is like that, but much fewer people care. Alex has officially quit the Beacon after Kent failed to replace Charlotte. Kent did promise that Charlotte would be gone by next semester, but that wasn’t good enough. So Alex went rogue and posted an exposé about institutionalized transphobia perpetuated by the falsely liberal queer community. He posted it on his Tumblr, and then DigBoston picked it up for their blog. (Dig is one of the best alt weeklies. One of the first places to syndicate Dan Savage’s column.)
Kent, my editor, went postal. Which for Kent means slightly mad and disappointed. He sent out an email to all the writers apologizing for the “situation” and urging everyone to speak to the managing team before going on record about Alex’s resignation.
He then asked me to meet him for coffee. I thought I might be guilty by association since Kent is apparently keeping vigilant track of all of my sexual encounters, but he just wanted my opinion. Apparently Kent is the most upset because he feels he has let one of his writers down. He wanted my thoughts on the situation and any advice I have for handling the future repercussions. Should he fight to get Charlotte off the paper or let it go? Should he apologize to Alex IRL or let him be?
It sort of felt like a parent asking me for help. Which shouldn’t be THAT surprising since my actual parents are completely useless, but I always thought Kent was competent and assured. Turns out he’s a scared little fuck-up like the rest of us!
I told him to apologize to Alex over email and continue the crusade to get rid of Charlotte. I have no idea if this is the right advice, but it felt like the most PC, social justice option. He nodded 15 times in a row—I counted—and then asked if I thought my hot chocolate was too watered down. (Apparently he got it once and it tasted like nothing.) I know that I’m bi/gay/unlabeled now, but I think if I was a simple straight girl with no sex drive I would marry Kent. And buy him new shirts.
I’m on my way to Alex’s now. He hasn’t answered my calls so I’m gonna go leave a note at his apartment. It feels romantic and old school. I hope one day we can enter a long-term, polyamorous relationship together.
“I’ve got 99 problems but a basic bitch ain’t one.”—G
5:32 PM PST
Why are you going to his house if he’s not returning your calls?
Romance.
What does the note say???
Congratulations on your story. Here is a nude Polaroid.
You included a nude Polaroid???
Why else would you leave a note IRL?
Is your face in it???
No. Just the back of my head. Boys love that.
Is that a joke?? Because I clearly have no idea what boys like.
Awwww, babe.
They like faces.
Noted.
GIRL, INTERRUPTED
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
It’s official! Everyone in my life wants me to be catatonic! I’m already on meds, but Dr. Baker thinks we should try something new. She wants me to change psychiatrists and try one of the few SSRIs I haven’t already been on. I wonder what joys this change will bring me! Facial sweating? Extra weight? Unbearable sleepiness? Maybe the side effect will be something new and different! Like night terrors! The possibilities are endless when the medical community is committed to “fixing” you!
Can I tell you the scariest part? I want to be catatonic. If we can figure out some prescription cocktail that takes away my anxiety and obsessive thoughts, sign me up! Even if I have to be asleep the whole time. I am completely exhausted by the prospect of being me for the rest of my life.
Dr. Baker was strangely more concerned by my dropping out of the sorority than the scratching. She’s worried that I am isolating myself on purpose so I can reject other people before they have the chance to reject me. Interesting theory, Sheri! What am I supposed to do now? Desperately hold on to people who can’t stand me? I tried that all through middle school, and Leslie Jenkins officially moved.
She thinks I should make more of an effort to befriend people. Apparently I have a “standoffish vibe.” It personally worried me to hear a professional use the term “vibe,” but I guess there are larger issues at hand. I’m not standoffish. I’ve just been told to “cool it” my entire life. I’m sorry if I’ve somehow become too cool. (Cool in the rude sense, not in the cool sense.)
Guess that social skills class really didn’t pay off!
I’m meeting with her favorite psychiatrist next week and have instructions to reach out to one person every day. I asked if you counted. She said no.
Wish me luck. I hope to be unresponsive by Christmas.
Re: GIRL, INTERRUPTED
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
This Baker lady gets it! I told you to reach out to people! Everyone wants more friends! If just for the extra likes.
I’m sorry about the meds. But maybe you won’t be on MORE meds but just DIFFERENT meds? It can’t hurt to try if what’s happening now isn’t working. May I just suggest marijuana one final time? I’ve heard Xanax fucks with your liver.
In Boston news, Alex responded to my nude with an LOL. Not sure how to take that! But you know I love a good mystery.
Charlotte wants to talk about the whole thing. I’m trying to put that off … which is hard because of class and the Beacon. Good thing I learned how to sneak out of my house at 11!
12:27 PM PST
Going to lunch with some kids from screenwriting.
Even though I don’t like sushi.
Atta girl!
Sophia’s not here. I have no buffer.
Buffers dull the senses. Dive in, baby!
Ugh. I hate sushi.
Just get rice.
And put some fish on it.
GROUNDBREAKING DISCOVERY RATTLES BOYLSTON STREET
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
While diligently studying for Earth Science: Natural Disasters, I had an epiphany. While it wasn’t specifically linked to the Bhola cyclone of 1970, I like to think it was inspired by the tumultuous winds of change.
As you may remember, I have chosen to remain unlabeled regarding my sexuality (and voting party, but that’s more due to an independent spirit). My high school experience was primarily focused on heterosexual encounters with an odd gay make out sprinkled in. Since arriving at college, my energy has been more female driven, with an odd cis or trans man making an appearance. What does all of this mean on the roller coaster of sexuality? Who am I? Who was I? Who do I want to be?
QUEER!
Once a slur, many in our community have reclaimed the term as a catchall for nonheterosexuality. It is as inclusive as it is vague. It allows me to engage in relationships with any possible person without having to redefine myself.
The queer community is vast and beautiful. It is a world that already feels safe yet is begging to be explored. I see no point in excluding anyone from the rich experience that is Gen.
After years of silently grappling with my identity, I feel a sense of overwhelming calm.
I’m home, babyyyyyyyyy!
G
7:32 AM PST
Who did you hook up with in high school????
Please only list girls. I don’t have all day.
You don’t know them.
STOP LYING TO ME.
I can’t out people.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR GASLIGHTING.
hahahaha
If you can guess correctly, I will tell you.
Liza Perez.
No.
Casey Winter.
You only get the one guess!
You’re a terrible person and a worse friend!
Congrats on being queer, you bitch.
PLEASE SUBSCRIBE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Curtis is a bad influence. After the final note session, he convinced me to make a YouTube channel so I could release the video. I had confided in him that I didn’t think the short was good enough to submit to festivals. Instead of getting upset or offended, he shrugged and told me to upload it. There is no point in making something if no one is going to see it. I replied, “Even if it’s really bad?” He agreed that some stuff should stay on the editing room floor, but our short isn’t one of them.
So I made a channel. It’s called Ava Help-her Films. The cover photo is a honey badger. I’m going to look into some channel art if anyone watches this stupid thing.
I feel very scared but also like whatever. How much worse could all of this get? Maybe a lot worse! Who knows!
Anyway, it’s up there. Mostly so you’ll stop asking me to watch it. After this you will probably not want to watch anything of mine ever again!
P.S. Is Help-her funny or dumb??
P.P.S. I guess it’s too late now.
Re: PLEASE SUBSCRIBE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
HOLY SHIT! I loved it!! I mean I hated looking at Jake’s stupid face, but other than that I thought it was adorable and charming! (As is the honey badger cover photo. I would maybe keep it???) I’m so proud of you, my little depressive!
I hope you don’t mind, but I shared it a few places. (All the places.) My goal is for it to go viral so you can support my Cherry Cola habit on AdSense.
So great! Do another one but with just ladies! Men don’t need any more screen time!
1:14 PM EST
I’m being confronted.
By the cruel reality of mortality?
Basically. Charlotte is forcing me to have lunch with her.
No! Run!
It’s too late! She already paid.
I always knew your cheapness would be your downfall.
cash.me/genevievegoldman
MYSTIQUE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
She might not be a blue shape-shifter, but oh man, is Charlotte hard to pin down. Over the course of one lunch I hated her. Respected her. Feared her. And wanted to sleep with her. Sometimes those feelings overlapped. She offered no apologies for Alex’s departure and instead urged me to remain objective in my journalism. She feels as though her career has been stalled due to op-eds and personal essays she’s written in the past. The best journalist remains neutral and nonaffiliated, and she thinks I have the potential to be one of the best. (Turns out my aversion to the 2-party system is favorable for my career.)
She didn’t mention Alex directly once. I wanted to bring it up but didn’t know how. It also felt wrong to discuss him with Charlotte. I knew he wouldn’t want me to.
Not sure how to feel about the whole thing, but maybe there is nothing to feel. The staff spot is basically mine now, and Charlotte will be gone by then. I think I should just focus on courting Alex, writing, and not failing Earth Science: Natural Disasters.
Did you know that the 1972 Iran Blizzard was the deadliest of all time? The ’70s were not a good time for planet Earth.
Re: MYSTIQUE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I don’t really see a world in which you remain objective. You have too many opinions to never write an op-ed. Everything you’ve written for the Beacon has a clear agenda, and it’s still your first semester. This woman is clearly manipulating you. I will personally pay for your lunch so this never happens again.
In lighter news, my short has over 2,000 views???? How did you do this?
There are a LOT of negative comments, but I’m trying not to read them.
Curtis is stoked.
2:47 PM EST
Want to know a little secret?
I put it on Reddit.
Oh! Smart!
How many other secrets are you keeping from me?
I’ll tell you IRL.
Are you coming home???
Nope!
5:32 PM PST
Can I just wear regular clothes to a Halloween party and then when people ask me what I am, I reply “Basic”?
HA!
No.
What if I buy fake Uggs?
Get a real costume.
Costumes give me anxiety.
Dress up as anxiety!
How???
Giant pill bottle???
I’m just gonna wear cat ears.
9:17 PM EST
I have too many costumes. I’m gonna have to do a change.
What are you going as??
Pretty much all the female superheroes.
In both universes?
Don’t pretend like you know.
Have fun as Iron Woman!
THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS.
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, BOYS AND TROUBLE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Well, that was a night for the history books. If the books run out of actually important things to write about.
Here are the ledes. I made out with someone last night. BUT I could have made out with two people. Now back to our story:
First of all, I feel like I deserve some recognition for attending a Halloween party. It encompasses two of my greatest fears: 1) costumes and 2) parties.
I finally found a costume after pleading with Sophia to help me. We decided to go as Republicans. I went as “financially conservative” (tennis skirt, fake pearls). Sophia went as “socially conservative” (camo shorts, fake gun). The bit worked great when we were together, but alone I just looked like a tennis player.
We went to this senior screenwriter’s party. He invited everyone in the program. I thought it would just be the leftover writers who didn’t have anywhere else to go, but it turned out to be a hot spot for all film students. I even saw a few Starkies, who are never spotted in the wild (MFA producers).
My social anxiety spiked when we arrived. Despite the blasting music (mash-ups of horror movie sound tracks), I still expected a smaller group. But once we got inside, it was so packed I could barely move. Luckily for me, Sophia is an aggressive partygoer who elbowed her way to the drink table in under a minute. Despite the obvious hygiene and safety problems of drinking a bloody punch, I took part in this obscene debauchery.
We ran into a few other kids from our class, who are much more fun when they are wasted. One guy, Marc, brought his engineering roommate, Shane, who was cute but short. Shane kept talking to me though and reacted as though he had never heard a woman make a joke before. Not in a condescending way. He was completely delighted. As though I was a juggling monkey. I had some more punch.
By midnight, I was sitting on a disgusting couch with Shane, who was dressed as Zach Galifianakis from The Hangover despite it being 2017 and no longer relevant. I was a bit drunk but still able to register Shane’s very nervous hand on my leg. I was contemplating leaning in for a smooch because life is meaningless when I heard my name.
You guessed it! chinatownjake! Dressed as Donald Trump. He immediately pegged me as a “financially conservative Republican,” but I quickly figured out he had already talked to Sophia. Shane stood up to shake his hand, which was nice but also pointed out their height difference. I tried to blow him off, but he asked if we could “talk.”
How do you say no to talking without seeming like a huge bitch? Seriously. Please let me know for future situations. Shane rejoined his roommate, and I went outside with the guy who took my virginity and tried to kiss another girl in my childhood home.
Jake said he wanted to talk about the short. He’s been getting a lot of good feedback and thinks we should do another. But this time maybe write it together. Why do we need to write it together?? Because he misses me. And boys talk in a very specific way. I tried to leave at this point, but he pulled me back. I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he asked if we could be friends. He wants me as his friend even if the physical part of the relationship didn’t work out. WHAT? I was too drunk to unpack this, so instead I slurred, “We were never friends,” and went to find Shane.
What you’re thinking now, dear reader, is that you have been misled. Jake didn’t want to make out with me. So how could I have led with the possibility of making out with two people? Well, on the way back inside, this really wasted guy shouted, “Kiss me,” and, I said “No thank you.” I then found Shane and made out with him against a wall thinking about Jake the whole time. Is this adulthood? Wanting what you don’t have?
Shane was a perfect gentleman the rest of the night and walked me home. But I don’t want to see him again. He is too short and too earnest.
On a scale of 1 to definitely, how much do I deserve my unhappiness?
HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT? I saw at least five costumes on Instagram! Black Widow was my favorite. Great wig.
12:43 PM PST
Did you get eaten by a werewolf???
1:32 PM PST
Hello???
3:07 PM PST
Can you come back from the dead next Halloween?
Sry. Sry. With Alex.
Really??? What’s happening??
Cant talk. He thinks it’s rude.
FRIENDSHIP GUIDELINES
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Dear Best Friend,
As you know from past friendship seminars, there are a few simple rules that help maintain a healthy relationship. One of those tips is a timely response. In this day and age, technology is constantly at our fingertips, and short of a Earth Science: Natural Disaster there is no believable moment when you are not on/near your phone. This guideline is especially pertinent when friends are separated by thousands of miles and a country.
Second, it is imperative to provide constant updates, especially following holidays and milestones. Third, it is also imperative to provide follow-up questions when your friend has important updates regarding holidays and milestones. (This is so obvious it should honestly remain unsaid.)
At this time, a full review of all suggestions and guidelines is not deemed needed, but consider yourself on probation. We here at Friendship Industries look forward to seeing improvement and hope to have a long working relationship.
All the best,
CEO, Friendship Industries
Re: FRIENDSHIP GUIDELINES
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Chill out! It was 1 day.
I’m proud of you for making out with that little guy! Are you really not going see him again??? I’m not always attracted to people right away. Sometimes they have to grow on you? (No pun intended.)
Why are there no photos of your dope costume on social media? You have to get better at posting now that you’re a YouTube celebrity.
BTW, have you seen this channel? You’re such an Allison: JUST BETWEEN US.
Re: FRIENDSHIP GUIDELINES
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
What the hell, Genevieve? That’s it?? Did you not read any of the guidelines? What happened with you and Alex? I now require a full and detailed debriefing.
Also, I’m NOT an Allison. That girl is so uptight and her voice is annoying.
6:45 PM PST
Still waiting on that email.
I’m studying!!!
Oh, yeah? What have you learned?
Earth is a disaster!
HOMEWORK
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
You have officially become homework. I know relationships are supposed to be work, but you’re not even putting out.
Halloween was great. Jazmin wanted to go to the Beacon party so I made an appearance, but everyone there was getting angry drunk. I texted Alex thinking he wouldn’t respond until the next day, but he told me he was at a musical theater party. I asked if he wanted me to come. He didn’t reply. I took that as a yes.
About an hour later Jazmin and I rolled up to an apartment in Mission Hill. It was flooded with what I can only assume were the best costumes in all of Boston. Seriously, it looked like the Met Gala. Jazmin and I felt intimidated, but then we remembered that we are the best. Just in general.
Drunk Jazmin is a great +1 because she will talk to anyone. She was already engaged with someone who was sing-talking before I reached the front door. I knew I would have to be methodical in my search, so I roamed the hallways first. Alex seems like a guy who doesn’t like wide-open spaces. By the second (and last) hallway, I had found him in deep conversation with someone I didn’t even bother to register.
I thought he would be “too cool for school,” but he broke out into a grin. This was the first indicator that he was heavily intoxicated. Much like Jazmin, Alex appears to be his best self when drunk. Or at least a version of himself that really likes me. Within minutes we were the ones holed up talking in the hallway. I was gently making fun of his costume (Christian Bale in Newsies), when he announced that he shouldn’t be talking to me because I’m not a trans ally. (I know this sounds aggressive, but it was in a very flirty/forbidden fruit sort of way.) I boomeranged between defensive and apologetic for a bit until he made his second grand announcement. We will never be able to sleep together because I have lain with the enemy. I quickly replied, “I knew you wanted to sleep with me!” This made him blush, which was very rewarding.
I asked if there was anything I could do to rectify this unfortunate situation. He said no. I asked again, a few more times, closer and closer to his face. (VERY SEXY! I AM GREAT AT SEX!) He finally said he had come up with a solution. I need to quit the Beacon. I laughed, said “Oh, OK!” and then kissed him. The rest of the night was XXX and I would need you to hit “Over 18 to approve this content” before I send you any more details.
We then spent the entire next day together working and writing and kissing.
I’m in love. But I’m also in love with like 15 girls on Instagram I’ve never met so don’t take it too seriously.
2:13 PM PST
You’re going to quit the Beacon???
No. Maybe. I don’t know.
I didn’t say that I would.
You certainly implied it!
Does Alex know you didn’t mean it?
It wasn’t a serious conversation.
Anything said in an effort to get laid will not hold up in a court of law.
I think he thinks you are going to quit.
No way.
5:17 PM EST
Alex thinks I’m going to quit the Beacon.
Told you!!
What do I do?? I don’t think he will be with me if I stay.
Oh, man. This is too sad for me to soak in the glory of me being right.
You’re still soaking in it.
Just one quick .
What are you gonna do?
I don’t know.
Maybe I should quit. It’s not good to be associated with a bad organization.
You really think it’s a “bad” organization now?
You basically went to Emerson FOR the Beacon.
I have to think about it more.
I don’t think you should quit over such a minor thing that has nothing to do with you.
How does it not have to do with me?
Never mind. I’m not stepping into this LGBT minefield.
SAME MONEY, MORE PROBLEMS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Shortie got my number. Film kids have no discretion. He texted me to tell me he “had a great time” and “would love to see me again.” BARF! There wasn’t even an attempt at some sort of joke. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than sincerity.
I don’t know what to write back. I don’t even want to write back. Why am I having such an aversion to a person being nice to me? Am I that terrible cliché of a girl who hates herself and only likes boys who are mean to her? I can’t stop thinking about Jake and he TRIED TO KISS SOMEONE ELSE IN MY HOME. With my mother watching! (Basically.)
I always knew I was a mess, but I thought I had my own brand. Apparently, it’s even worse than I suspected.
Maybe I should just marry this kid and get over my insecurity with exposure therapy. He seems like the kind of guy who will say, “You look beautiful,” even if I’m covered in sweat and yelling about my low blood sugar.
Second option: celibacy. This is the opposite of exposure therapy regarding my deep fear of STDs, but I feel like I have already done enough self-growth for one person.
Anyway, do I have to write back????????
4:13 PM EST
OMG Ava. Just write back like a normal person.
And say what?? I don’t want him to get the wrong impression.
Maybe you have the wrong impression.
Give him a chance.
I’m not attracted to him.
But how do you know that already?
You’re going to tell me that I don’t know my own sexuality????
REALLY GENEVIEVE!
You have no right to tell me who I should and shouldn’t be attracted to.
hahaha
Whatever.
Write back, “Later, loser.”
Not helpful.
NATURE VS NURTURE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I hate to say this, but I might have preferred it when my dad was drinking. He left me alone and didn’t send me links to books like Radical Forgiveness. My parents tried to FaceTime me with Hope earlier and then lost their shit when I wasn’t available. They’ve called like a grand total of 5 times this entire semester, but I’m supposed to know when they want to talk.
I called back after Hope went to bed and got an earful about family responsibility and being a good older sister. It was my decision to “abandon” the family for a liberal arts education. The least I can do is answer their calls. What????? Do they actually believe the things that come out of their mouths? I stayed at your house for an entire week junior year and they didn’t even notice!
You would think my father was the CEO of AA. He talks like he is a sobriety expert when he hasn’t even been sober long enough to get an important chip. He wants me to go to Al-Anon. Presumably so more people can be talking about him at all times.
Maybe this call will hit my quota for the month and they won’t care that I’m not coming home for Thanksgiving. Maybe by then he will be too drunk to realize it’s Thanksgiving. (The holiday season is a real trigger.)
Just because he is suddenly ready to be a dad doesn’t mean I suddenly need a dad. I’ve been doing fine without one.
Poor Hope. I wish she didn’t have such a stupid name.
8:07 PM PST
You’re not coming home for Thanksgiving???
No way. Flights are $$$.
Please hold.
8:13 PM PST
My parents said they would cover it as an early Hanukkah gift.
AVA! That’s not OK!
Why?? They want to see you too!
Who is it even a present for? Me or you?
Both??
I can’t accept that.
Why? It’s really not a big deal.
It’s not just the money. I don’t want to come home.
Wow. OK. Sorry. I thought we were BEST FRIENDS.
I want to see YOU obviously. I DON’T want to see my family.
Plus I’ll be home like 3 weeks later for winter break.
I feel devastated. I had started a Gen countdown.
haha. 4 real?
Maybe.
I’m very lonely.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Alex is officially the most successful person I know (other than your dad). After his blog went viral on DigBoston, they asked him to come in for a meet-and-greet, and he charmed them so much he got offered an internship! It’s going to start immediately even though they’re already in the middle of an intern cycle. (Apparently the kids they have now aren’t top-notch. Fucking Harvard.)
I talked to Kent about resigning. He freaked out and begged me not to. He basically offered me the staff position and promised that all future interim advisers would be more formally vetted. This whole controversy has really shaken him. I feel bad. He’s just this straight cis guy trying to be a woke bae in a school full of queer kids. He’s gotten some brutal @ replies since Alex’s blog.
I told him I would think about it overnight. I really don’t want to quit. Maybe I should just go straight to the source and ask Charlotte to step down. It’s worth the risk, right?
I’ve already made plans to see her. You can’t stop me.
THAT WENT WELL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Psyche! I’ve taken it from your lack of response that you didn’t think much would come from my meeting with Charlotte. You were wrong. A lot came from it. Like yelling. And screaming. And my decision to officially quit the Beacon.
I wanted to just talk to her briefly in her office, but she insisted I come to her apartment because she had too many organic apples and wanted me to eat some of her homemade sauce? Anyway, it was delicious.
We started talking about class and Halloween. I mentioned that I was seeing Alex, romantically, to test the waters. Charlotte scoffed and said, “You’ve got a real type, huh?” Didn’t know what that meant so she clarified by name checking Molly. I don’t know how you could compare the two other than through their shared hatred of Charlotte.
I tried to explain the situation at the Beacon and ask if she really cared about being interim adviser since she’s going to be replaced by a more experienced journalist anyway. This came out far more bitchy than I intended and lit a fire in those dark eyes of hers. (Did I mention we’d been drinking a fair amount of wine to wash down the applesauce?)
Before I knew what was happening, we were both screaming and Charlotte accused me of being in love with her??? I accused her of not having the capacity to love. This had nothing to do with the topic at hand, but that didn’t stop us from arguing about it for a good hour. I accused her of causing Molly’s breakdown, and she accused me of being an enabler! WHAT ARE YOU, MY DRUNK DAD?
I know this is extra terrible, but it felt great to really yell at someone. I don’t miss much from home, but, oh, man, is screaming cathartic.
I left about an hour later having failed in my mission. I no longer have any other choice. I have to quit the Beacon. Maybe Alex will put in a good word for me at Dig. That’s the point of sleeping with successful people, right?
Re: THAT WENT WELL
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Part of me knows that I shouldn’t even bother writing this, but I couldn’t help myself. (You don’t have to read it. Writing long emails is my version of cathartic screaming.)
I don’t understand why you are doing this. If the faculty adviser was a known pedophile, I would get it. Or a blatant racist. But the interim adviser has written a few articles that could be interpreted as transphobic?? Come on! It’s like you’re looking for a fight! Or a cause! (That has nothing to do with you.) Alex sounds great and all, but do you really think you’ll even be together by next semester?
Also, do you want to be with someone who makes such outlandish demands? If some guy told me I had to quit making films in order to be with him, you would lose your mind. You are a journalist, and he is asking you to stop journaling. (I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT IT’S CALLED, BUT IT SOUNDED BETTER.)
Does he even want to be with you? I feel like every two days he pushes you away. This is not a judgment on you—this is a judgment on him. He honestly sounds too self-involved to be in an actual relationship. This is Alex’s fight and he has already made his point. You won’t be as lucky as him. No one is going to offer you an internship for quitting.
Please know I am only saying this because I love you and I have seen you work so hard this semester. (Not in classes.) I’m just asking you to think this through a little bit more. Think about the long-term repercussions. Will Charlotte even matter once you’re managing editor senior year?
I love you. Don’t hate me.
A
Re: THAT WENT WELL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I probably shouldn’t have read that email.
For starters, this isn’t about Alex. This is about ethics and what type of journalist I want to be. Am I a gun for hire, or someone with morals and standards? Do I want to get caught in something easy and comfortable and never grow? Quitting the Beacon means I will HAVE to find an off-campus internship next semester instead of resting on my college-level laurels. It’s way more impressive long term to have worked at a professional publication.
Also, although I’m not trans, this is not not my cause. And why is a racist worse than someone who is transphobic? I know you didn’t mean to, but suggesting there is a difference is highly offensive and ignorant. I know you don’t have any personal experience outside of your rich USC bubble, but we are all in this together. (And by we I mean POC and LGBTQ.) I get that you are 18 and dealing with guys who are too short for you, but please don’t assume to understand anything about my life or my struggle.
This doesn’t have to be a huge thing. I just wanted to vocalize my honest reaction to your honest reaction. There is nothing more to say. So let’s stop talking about it.
7:21 AM PST
Seriously??? We can’t ever talk about it anymore?
If I disagree with you about something I’m not allowed to say so?
Not about this stuff. No.
Fine. Looking forward to small talk about the weather.
It’s getting cold here.
Good.
MY THERAPIST SAYS
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I need to apologize. I’m sorry that I gave you unwanted advice and interfered in your life. I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m here to listen and support you. I’m so used to everyone (mostly professionals) telling me what to do that my instinct is to mimic that behavior. (Some might call it a cycle of abuse.) I’m really sorry and I hope I would have had the realization to apologize on my own.
You are completely correct that I don’t fully understand your new life. I haven’t been exposed to it, and the fact that you are out there existing in a different world upsets me. You have always been the biggest part of my world and I want to remain an important part of yours. So I asked my parents to book me a flight to Boston over Thanksgiving. I want to see you and I want to “get it.”
I hope you don’t find this declaration of everlasting platonic love off-putting. I understand that in a different situation (maybe even in this situation), buying a ticket to surprise someone across the country might appear stalkerish. If you don’t want me to come, I’ll cancel, but it felt more romantic to have already purchased it before I sent this email.
If you say it’s OK, maybe we can stay at a hotel for a staycation? (My parents have a lot of Starwood points.)
“I’m much more me when I’m with you.”—Pinterest/Ava Helmer
Re: MY THERAPIST SAYS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
God damn it, Ava. You make it so fucking hard to stay mad at you. Can’t you be stubborn and immature like the rest of us???
I can’t believe you’re coming here! How nonsexually romantic! I can’t wait to show you all of Boston! You’re going to hate it!
I’m sad most people will be gone for the holiday, but it will still be a great time! We can watch Pay-Per-View in the hotel room and go on a Duck Tour! (I haven’t been on a Duck Tour because I’m not a loser, but it seems pretty amazing!) I can’t wait to do all the stupid tourist shit no one else will do with me! And then I can just blame it all on you, like, “My friend Ava is a total square!” (THE BOAT GOES QUACK! I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT!)
Thank you for being the bigger person, as always. We will have you to thank when both of our coffins are lowered into the ground at the exact same time in 2083.
LOVE AND MUSH AND SAP,
G
2:53 PM PST
I need to buy a winter jacket!
It’s gonna be 3 days!
Borrow something of mine.
Do you even have a winter jacket??
Close enough.
Is it clean?
Close enough.
I think I’ll just buy my own.
Seems dumb.
HOMELAND SEASON ONE FINALE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
What are your thoughts on electroshock therapy and do you think I could somehow get a student discount?
Met my new physiatrist today. He has a long beard and hollow eyes. Are you allowed to self-prescribe as a doctor, because this man was too eerily calm to not be high out of his chemically balanced mind. I thought he would want the whole spiel but he said he’d already talked to Dr. Baker about my history. He asked a few questions about past medications and decided I have to try something other than an SSRI. Ever heard of clomipramine? Me neither! But I have sleepiness, drop in blood pressure when rising from a seated position, difficulty starting urination, and dry mouth to look forward to!
So now I need to come off my current meds and transition to this? I feel like my dad with his 14-compartment pill case.
What if clomipramine doesn’t work and I’m left with my actual brain?? I can’t have another repeat of my 6th-grade ski trip where I threatened to kill my mom. (God, I feel bad for my parents.)
It’s so annoying to be a drug addict without any of the fun.
And no, I’m not going to let you try it when I’m out there.
Re: HOMELAND SEASON ONE FINALE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I never watched Homeland, so I actually can’t relate to this email at all.
Have you read The Bell Jar, though? The shock therapy there didn’t seem to work.
I’m sorry you have to go through this again. Maybe fifth(?) time will be a charm? Tell me more about this bearded shrink with the hollow eyes … Do you think he’s married? Because I have a real daddy complex I’d love to talk to him about.
9:32 PM PST
Thanks for putting the image of you hooking up with my psychiatrist in my head.
No problem!
Will do anything for a prescription pad.
I remain worried about you.
And you’re the one with all the shrinks! #irony
SHANNON PUTS BUTTER ON HER LEGS
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Yep, it’s official. My roommate has been stealing packets of Land O’ Lakes Salted Whipped Butter and slathering her arms and legs before going to sleep at night. I have resisted telling her that you’re supposed to use SHEA or COCOA butter when moisturizing your skin. It’s too fucking great to watch. She thinks she’s really conning the system by not having to pay for another beauty product. Even if you can use actual butter on your skin, I doubt this stuff even counts as “real.”
The whole room smells like pancakes.
If you can’t tell, I’m a bit bored since quitting the Beacon. Kent, my former editor, took my resignation surprisingly well in that he didn’t cry. He said, “I feel like crying,” a few times, but his face was stoic so it didn’t seem true. He told me I’m welcome back whenever. Not to be on staff, but as a writer, which seems like a waste of time. No one is going to care that I published a few articles for a college paper. I need titles and upward mobility.
Alex started his internship at Dig and says everyone is even more political than at the Beacon. You have to kiss this person’s ass to get to even talk to that person. And everyone has incredibly hip haircuts. I want to visit him, but he said no. He is so formal and proper it’s hilarious.
There’s no real chance of me getting an internship before next semester so I’m thinking of starting a Tumblr. Here are my pitches for names so far:
GEN X (obvious choice)
WHAT’S IN THE WATER? (a conspiracy blog about the Charles River)
QUEER AS FRACK (an exploration of gay youth and popular sci-fi)
You’re the only person voting, so choose wisely.
10:32 AM PST
Queer as Frack.
YES! Obviously!
Will each post be about gayness AND sci-fi, or will you alternate?
There are no rules on my blog.
OK, but you will need some rules or else it will seem like chaos.
Each post will be in a completely different font.
I support you, but I won’t be able to read it.
What are you doing?
Writing.
Trying to write.
Thinking about quitting writing.
Have you left your dorm room recently?
Yes. I have class four days a week.
Call a friend.
I’m texting a friend.
Is Alex your boyfriend yet?
Hahaha
No.
Why not?
Because we haven’t talked about it.
Why not?
CALL SOMEONE ELSE.
BIG MISTAKE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I want you to know before you read this that I blame you. I was perfectly happy and fine sitting in my room. Maybe I wasn’t happy, but I was fine. And then you had to make me feel like a big-time loser. So I called Sophia. That’s right. I called her, which was startling to both of us. After presenting as a desperate freak, she took pity on me and invited me to her dorm where some friends were hanging out playing Mario Kart.
When I got there, I was a bit surprised to see some of the other screenwriters. I thought it would just be the kids on her floor, but because it was our shared friends it felt weird that I wasn’t invited in the first place. I tried to get over the sting of COMPLETE REJECTION, but I also don’t know how to play Mario Kart so the night wasn’t going well. At some point, Sophia asked me to hand her her phone, and just as I did a text from Jake popped up. What? Why was my ex-boyfriend texting my friend? I couldn’t see what the message said because of her settings. I tried to play it cool and instead blurted, “WHY IS JAKE TEXTING YOU?” Sophia got uncomfortable and shrugged. “He wants to work on more stuff together.” “I THOUGHT YOU HATED JAKE.” “I don’t hate him. I just didn’t want to kiss him in your parents’ house.” “WELL, DO YOU WANT TO KISS HIM NOW?!” Please keep in mind that there were like five other people in the room at this point pretending to play Mario Kart. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” “THAT MEANS THERE IS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT! OH, BOY!” I don’t know why I said “oh, boy.” Never said it before. Going to try to never say it again.
“Please stop yelling at me in my room.” So now I’m the crazy one? And not this manipulator who is sleeping with my boyfriend? I got up and walked out, expecting her to follow me so we could talk in the hall, but she didn’t come. I texted her, “Can we talk in the hall?” She wrote back, “It’s my turn to play.” I cried on the walk home.
In case you were keeping track, I am now officially down to one real friend, Emma, who is basically too busy to actually be friends. Seriously reconsidering my parents’ offer to move home and commute. Especially once this clomipramine kicks in and my blood pressure starts dropping whenever I stand up.
1:47 AM EST
How do you know they’re sleeping 2gether?
BECAUSE OF THE TEXTING.
Do you sleep with everyone you text with?
No. But you do!
Fair enough.
I’m sry.
You will make new friends.
How???
I don’t know! By living your life and being wonderful!
What happened to Curtis? Isn’t Curtis ur friend?
We mostly have a professional relationship.
Do a pivot!
I’m not socially adept enough to pull that off.
I’ll give you lessons when you get here.
Why are you so obsessed with Curtis?
Seems like a cool dude.
MIGHT FLUNK OUT OF COLLEGE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
JK JK. But seriously. I do not know how people study for tests. Assign me a 20-page paper, no problem. But how does anyone survive a major based on memorization? This is why reporters have recorders. So we don’t need to remember ANYTHING.
I went over to Jazmin’s with the full intention of studying but instead got sucked into a wine-based drinking game. You might be thinking, who uses wine in a drinking game? Well, the answer is super-fucking-classy people. It was very cerebral. Every time I got a question wrong I had to take a sip, which was not the most productive choice since after a few sips I got every question wrong. Jazmin’s BF was in town and he started playing too. I like the guy. For a cis guy. Just kidding. I liked Tom. (Did you forget about Tom? I did.)
Things started really getting out of hand around 1930 when I should I have been focusing on the great 1936 North American heat wave but instead was puking my guts out. It’s sort of fun to puke red wine because it looks like you’re dying from tuberculosis in an old movie.
I ended up staying until 3 AM. I kept texting Alex to join, but he was busy working. I hope he doesn’t care that I’m still hanging out with Jazmin. She’s thought about quitting but doesn’t want to disappoint her parents. (They laminate every article.) I’m still trying to get her to quit. Mwuahaha.
If I pay you money, will you participate in a That ’70s Show–based trivia drinking game when you’re here? You’ll get every answer right so it’s not a real risk to you anyway.
The only thing I hate about college is class.
2:23 PM PST
Did you fail your test?
It was a quiz.
And …
Don’t know yet!
Will not report back!
STICKS AND STONES
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Whoever came up with that asinine saying clearly existed before the Internet. My video resurfaced on a different subreddit about student films. People on that forum did NOT like my little attempt at a movie and took to my YouTube channel to tell me. Some of the comments didn’t make any sense. Especially the ones that called me a “feminist cunt.” Apparently my portrayal of the male lead was not up to MRA standards and quite a few people threatened my life???? Why would anyone threaten my life over a dumb short where literally nothing happens? If anything, I would be mad that it’s boring. Not that I’m trying to subvert the patriarchy.
I can’t imagine how people deal with this sort of thing when they’re actually IN the video. A few assholes found my Instagram and called me an ugly kike but I blocked them. (Or I think I did. The interface is confusing.)
I hate that I care. No one who writes awful comments to strangers is a nice, normal person, but the mere fact that so many people out there hate me is upsetting. I guess that’s inevitable when you create things, but it doesn’t make the reality of it any easier. I would take the video down, but it has so many views! Maybe I should just ride this bad PR and make another one ASAP? JK. I am not a strong enough person to do that.
Maybe you could troll all of these guys for me? That seems like a good decision.
1:05 AM EST
These guys are assholes.
Maybe I deserve it. The whole concept was a bit overwrought.
Shut up! No it wasn’t!
If you listen to any of this, ur an idiot.
Oh, good. Now I’m a feminist cunt and an idiot.
I want to find all their moms on FB and send screenshots.
Check your receipts!
So close.
That’s not how you use it???
U r not meant for this world.
WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I feel like there could be two headlines for this article:
CUB REPORTER WOOS BOO WITH ROMANTIC EVENING
YOUNG COUPLE RUINS FUTURE WITH DTR ATTEMPT
Why do people feel the need to “talk” and “communicate?” Can’t we all just go about living our best lives and eating whatever we want?
I spent the last few days planning the perfect date for Alex. He’s been really busy so I wanted to maximize our time. I got us tickets to a Celtics game and snuck Bova’s pastries into the stadium using a large tote bag. (This is a horrible example of using my privilege to fool security.)
We had the best time at the game. I pretended I cared. He bought us peanuts and displayed traditional masculinity. I wore a crop-top jersey. Young love at its Boston-est. We even made out on the train ride home.
Once we got back to his place, Jazmin texted me. There was a party in Brookline. Alex didn’t want to go. I tried to convince him. He said I could go without him. I said I’d always rather be with him.
A long beat followed where I panicked that I had said too much. I fully expected a we-should-cool-it talk. Instead he asked me to be his girlfriend. WHAT??? TBH, I wasn’t even sure Alex fully liked me. He almost never reaches out, and I have to initiate all physical activity. When I brought this up, he mumbled something about protecting himself and not wanting to put himself out there if I wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Here is where things got tricky. I am looking for a relationship, but not the exact kind that he wants. When I asked for clarification of “girlfriend,” he rolled his eyes and stated what he thought to be obvious: “love, commitment, monogamy.” It was that last one that tripped me up. I feel totally ready to love and commit to Alex, but I don’t see why we need to add monogamy on top of that. I don’t think that “only sleeping with one person” means you love someone. If anything, I think it can make it harder to stay in love with that someone. Why have resentment and rules? Why not just have honesty and openness?
Alex did not take this very well and immediately closed up. He said he would think about it and I should do the same. Then we went to bed without hooking up even though neither of us was that full or drunk, which are the only acceptable excuses.
He acted like everything was fine in the morning but didn’t kiss me at all. That didn’t stop me from kissing him all over until he said he had to get to work. I left.
Help?
Re: WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I don’t understand. You have spent this entire semester obsessing over Alex. First “hating” him and then “loving” him. But now that he wants to make it real and be with you, you say no??? How can you know that monogamy isn’t for you? We’re 18! We don’t know anything! Our brains are basically mush that can only remember song lyrics and the occasional scent from childhood.
Do you think you are pushing him away because you actually care and actually caring is scary? I can understand that fear (I would prefer to not care at all about anything ever), but Alex seems like someone who is worth taking the risk for.
I can’t even imagine what he is going through right now. To put himself out there like that and have you step on the whole premise of his happiness (two people choosing each other and only each other). Don’t you think there is something magical about that? I don’t have more than one best friend. Don’t you think it’s special that I’m your best friend and you’re my best friend? It says something to other people when we talk about each other. Don’t you want that in your relationship with Alex? Maybe you just need to sit on this for a second. Or try it out. A healthy relationship might surprise you.
Re: WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I shouldn’t have asked for your help on this. I appreciate you trying, but you clearly devalue my feelings and view of the world. So how could you possibly help?
How come I know nothing at 18, but you are some sort of relationship messiah? Maybe if you and Jake hadn’t been monogamous, things would have worked out differently. I know that your parents have the most perfect marriage known to woman, but that lifestyle doesn’t work for everyone. (Honestly, how do we even know your parents are monogamous?? They could be swingers for all we know! You did find a Playboy that one time.)
I asked for your help in terms of how to talk to Alex and make him feel secure even though we don’t want the same things. But I will figure out what to do. Jazmin and her boyfriend are open. I’m sure she’ll have some good advice.
P.S. That was not a burn about Jazmin. She just has personal experience and a different POV.
Re: WE COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I can’t believe you brought up my dad’s Playboy. We made a pact to never speak of it again.
(This is me deflecting. I’m trying it out to minimize the time we spend arguing.)
FEMINISM
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I know that’s a broad subject, but I wanted to start with a disclaimer that the following incident occurred because I support feminism and firmly believe that women should build each other up yada yada.
I cornered Sophia after class and asked if we could talk. I wanted to let her know that I wasn’t mad anymore. Jake and I aren’t together and I have no rights over him. I don’t want a stupid guy to ruin our friendship.
But she didn’t let me get any of that out. Instead she rolled her eyes, said “Fine,” and walked over to a different part of the hallway. I was thinking a sit-down conversation over tea, but OK. Before I could start my apology, Sophia reamed me out. She said she felt bad that I was depressed “or whatever,” but I don’t have any right to take it out on her. College is too short to begin with, and she doesn’t want to waste it on people who bring her down. She thought I’d be better once I got out of that bitch fest (sorority??), but apparently I’ve only gotten worse. She’s thought about it and doesn’t think we are good enough friends for her to have to put up with this. If we’d been friends for like five years or whatever, maybe she would stick it out and hope I get better, but we’ve only been friends for like half a semester and I’ve been sad for most of it. So she’s gonna have to bow out. If I work my shit out and get “better Prozac or whatever,” she’s open to us hanging out again, but honestly she would rather wait until at least next semester. Not to be rude or anything but, you know, self-preservation. She would want me to do the same if she turned into a huge drag. I get it, right? No hard feelings?
Yes, hard feelings! Are you kidding me?! You can’t stop being friends with someone because she’s depressed! ESPECIALLY if you’re a writer. How would you keep any of your friends? I had no idea what to say. I felt like I was in some horrible after-school special where the message was: Be a bad person?
Are people allowed to say these things??? I was trying to apologize!
I’m in shock. Is my depression really that bad? I thought I was handling it very Woody Allen, annoying, narcissistic, but funny.
I never see Sophia! I mean sometimes, but it’s not like I’m calling her up once a day to debate my purpose in life and test out my suicide note. I think the scariest part of all of this is realizing that I have no concept of other people’s perceptions of me. Does everyone else find me intolerable? Do YOU find me this intolerable?
If you want me to cancel my trip so I don’t “bring you down,” I will.
10:43 PM EST
What is Sophia’s phone #?
Gen. No.
Fine. I’ll wait until you get here to steal it from ur phone.
Just deleted it.
UGH.
I’ll troll her Instagram instead.
It’s private.
WHO IS THIS BITCH?
Hahaha
Do you think I’m really that bad? That she had to friend break up with me?
No way.
Are you having a tough time? Yes.
But that’s when you step up and be a BETTER friend. Not STOP being friends.
I found her on Facebook.
Stop!
What about Molly?
What about her?
Didn’t you stop being friends with her when she went crazy?
No. I brought her back to her room, watched her all night, and then made sure her parents took her home safely.
Oh. Right.
I hate this bitch.
She is going to die miserable and alone.
Or maybe with Jake. Which would be worse.
I’m gonna take a nap.
OK. Sleep it off. It will all seem better in the late afternoon.
CASABLANCA
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I know you refuse to watch this movie because you think it will be sad and slow, but it has one of the best good-bye scenes of all time. My story will not live up to it. Mostly because it wasn’t really a good-bye so much as a “see ya l8r.”
I went over to Alex’s house to talk, and in the theme of being bombarded with decisions instead of having a conversation, he immediately announced that he thinks we would be better as friends. We obviously want different things, and it’s probably a bad idea for two journalists to date anyway. Too much nosiness for one relationship.
I thought about fighting with him, but I knew there wasn’t any point. I have no choice but to be the best, sexiest, most alluring friend this side of the equator. He will crumble in no time. I handled the whole thing maturely too, which I know is a big turn-on for him.
So now I just bide my time and have a little fun. There are plenty of rainbow fish in the sea.
7:47 AM PST
I’m so sorry about Alex. Are you OK?
I’m totes fine. This is temporary.
Really?
Yeah. Love is an ocean.
??
COMES IN WAVES.
Oh god.
Do you think you’ll go back to the Beacon now?
?????
No way. I would have quit regardless of my personal relationship with Alex.
Really?
Yes! THEY ARE TRANSPHOBIC.
OK! Sorry.
Will you still pick me up at 3 PM tomorrow even though I am ill informed?
Pick you up how?
Oh, right. I guess I’ll take a cab.
AH! Can’t wait!!!
The hotel looks nice.
Are we really staying at a hotel??? My bed is big enough for 2 people.
Hilarious.
If we don’t use these Starwood points, someone else will!
FULL DISCLOSURE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m having a panic attack about tomorrow. I have no idea what to pack and I’m worried I won’t be able to find a cab and then I’ll be the one idiot girl Taken in America. I’m worried I’m going to be cold. I’m worried I won’t fit in. And I’m worried my parents are secretly upset that I’m missing Thanksgiving.
What if the hotel room isn’t nice?? What if it doesn’t have Pay-Per-View?
Mostly I’m worried that Sophia was right, and when you see me you won’t want to be my friend anymore.
I guess I’m equally worried about having to stay out late and drink. Maybe we can take a lot of naps in the mediocre hotel.
What if I sleep through my alarm?? What if you don’t like me anymore?? What if I forget my underwear??
I just checked. I have my underwear.
SEE YOU TOMORROW!
A
12:13 PM EST
Did you sleep through ur alarm?
I’m already on the plane.
What time is it there?!
Oh, right. I slept through mine.
Safe flight!! Can’t wait to not like you anymore!
Do you really want that to be the last thing you say to me before I start hurtling through time and space?
Yep! It was a pretty good joke.
8:04 PM EST
Landed!!
8:22 PM EST
Waiting for my bag!
Gen??
8:35 PM EST
I think they lost my bag! I don’t know what I’m going to do!!
8:37 PM EST
Got my bag!
Where are you????
8:45 PM EST
IN A CAB EN ROUTE TO THE HOTEL.
PLEASE CONFIRM I DID NOT ARRIVE IN BOSTON ONLY TO HAVE TO IDENTIFY YOUR BODY.
8:52 PM EST
Hi! You landed!
What’s the hotel again?
The Westin Copley Place.
Great! Should be there soon!
9:13 PM EST
Here! Do you want me to wait in the lobby?
No, go up!
I’ll be there soon.
Room 302.
That’s the best one!
11:15 PM EST
Where are you?? This party is crazy.
By the front.
I’m by the front! Falling asleep because of the Duck Tour.
Gen! Answer your phone!
I see you.
11:42 PM EST
I made it back to the room.
Do you have your key?
Yeah, yeah.
I’ll be back soon.
2:37 AM EST
Why are you not back yet???
OMW.
3:15 AM EST
Be there soon.
8:51 AM EST
Went to get coffee. Let me know if you want anything.
7:14 PM EST
On the plane.
If you care.
I’m not the one who left.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’m sitting in my room at home, hysterically crying, not fully comprehending how I got here. 24 hours ago we were best friends in Boston, and now I don’t know if we’re friends at all?
To be clear, I want to remain friends. Not just friends but best friends until we die living side by side in a gated community.
BUT I can’t reconcile the Gen I know and love with the Gen I just saw. For starters, after not seeing you for months, we finally had less than 3 days together. You chose to spend one of those days sleeping off a hangover. Why did you have such a terrible hangover? You tell me. Seems like a really weird time to get super wasted when you know I don’t like to drink.
Also seems weird to abandon a girl with anxiety problems in a new city so you could hook up with the one person everyone hates. I don’t understand why we even went to a party where Charlotte might be. And I REALLY don’t understand the hold she has over you. This whole time I thought maybe I wasn’t getting a clear picture of who this woman was since it was all secondhand. Maybe she really is captivating and deserving of your affection, despite her misguided transphobia. NOPE! She was WORSE than I could have imagined! Every word out of her mouth dripped with condescension and half the things she said couldn’t have possibly been true. (No one has ever survived on just air.)
Also, what was she wearing?? Just a bunch of scarfs pretending to be clothes?? It was 40 degrees out! Unbelievable.
Honestly, if you had just apologized on Saturday I would have forgiven you. Maybe not right away, or without a few snarky remarks about barely surviving the walk back to the hotel alone, but I wouldn’t have left early.
Drunk Gen is not my Gen, and I get that.
But what I can’t forgive (at least not without a lengthy apology) is your behavior that next morning. You used every insecurity I’ve ever shared with you against me. I’m not “not fun” because I think it’s wrong for you to hook up with the ONLY person the guy you are supposedly in love with disapproves of. To suggest that you were self-sabotaging isn’t absurd. It was pathetically obvious. I thought we were close enough to be honest with each other, but it seems like all you want recently is a yes-woman and it’s not in my nature to do that. (I literally can’t do that. It’s impossible for me to lie. Especially to you.)
I have no idea how the fight escalated so quickly and I have no idea if you meant all the things that you said. I certainly hope you don’t believe we’re fundamentally different now because you’re queer and I’m straight. That’s an insane thing to say and unbelievably hurtful. Think of if the roles were reversed and I said that to you. I would be burned at the stake.
My parents keep asking me questions about what happened, but I don’t want to tell them. I don’t want their view of you and our friendship to be tarnished. I don’t want MY view of you and our friendship to be tarnished.
I’m sorry for whatever role I played in this breakdown, but I didn’t say or do anything other than what I thought would be best for you. Because I love you, and you’re my best friend.
AVA
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
I didn’t mean that we were different because of our sexualities. I just meant that we are different. People grow apart. No one marries their high school sweetheart anymore. Why wouldn’t the same be true for friends?
Glad you got home safe.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
That wasn’t exactly the apology I was hoping for. I’m not even sure if that counts as an apology. Seems more like a technical clarification?
Please apologize soon so we can make up and I can tell you about how Kent, your former editor, flirted with me at the party. You were right. His shirts are too small. Possibly washing delicates in hot water.
8:12 PM PST
No follow-up on Kent??? Really?
We kissed while you were with Charlotte!
Naked!
OK. None of that was true, but he did friend me on FB.
I get it. You don’t want to talk until you’ve written a beautiful apology that I will print out and frame.
I look forward to reading it.
1:32 AM EST
Hey. I’m sorry I haven’t written back, but I don’t really have anything left to say. Ur still my friend and I care about u, but this is too much right now. It’s taken me a long time to figure out who I am and what I want, and I really don’t need someone who is supposed to be on my team sitting on the side judging. I’m 18, for fuck’s sake. Not everything is so dire. It’s just too much to handle my life and your emotions/expectations. I need to focus on school and writing. U should get that. Maybe we can FaceTime or something when the semester is over? I’m planning to stay here over break to apply for internships. This isn’t a big deal. I just need some space.
7:52 AM PST
Seriously?? You need space? Who says that in real life?
Gen. I think we are blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
Can we just forget the trip?
You hurt me more than I hurt you, and I’m willing to do that! Why can’t you??
11:14 AM PST
Cool.
REGARDING MY LACK OF FUN
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Hello,
I have decided to disregard your request for space because I think it will be detrimental in the long term. I have seen you push away your family and I will not let you do the same to me (even though I honestly support that; they are crazy).
You probably think I am crazy too, but that’s fine. My goal here is not to convince you that I am a super-chill, normal person but to remind you of the unchill, unusual person you have come to know and love.
For starters, I am not unfun (as you suggested more than once over the course of short 54 hours we spent together). I am just not traditionally shot-glass-on-my-stomach fun. But let me tell you something: staying up until 3 AM getting wasted is all well and good in college, but will any of these kids be a good time once we hit 30? Or 40? I know how to occupy all 16 waking hours of the day sober! And that is no easy feat. Games? Love them. TV marathons? The best. Witty banter for days? I’m your girl. I’m also always down for a super-fun pool day (I do have to specify pool over beach due to aversion to sand).
I’m not hip or trendy, but I like to believe I have a timeless quality. Like, mentally, I could be 18 or 63. (Oh, man, am I going to flourish at 63. It’s gonna be the new 50.)
And now for a trip down memory lane because I’m not above using manipulative nostalgia to save this friendship.
The year, 2014. Our age, 14. The style, bad. It was the third day of freshman year and everyone was still trying to navigate what it meant to be at a charter school. Some kids knew each other before. Others were able to rebuild themselves from the shoes up. I was clinging to a lukewarm middle school friendship that was on the verge of going sour. You were already the coolest person in the class. Maybe not in popularity, but objectively.
We’d already talked once (the sweater incident), but I never thought you’d remember. You wore Doc Martens and purple hair. I wore my insecurity on a button-up. It wasn’t meant to be.
But then the unthinkable happened. I made you laugh. I can’t remember the exact joke, which is surprising given my tendency to endlessly quote myself, but I know we were in English class and I know it had something to do with Voltaire. The next day you sat next to me ON PURPOSE, and I wrote you my first of many notes. I still think of that as the bravest thing I have ever done, especially considering how atrocious my handwriting is. You wrote back using terms I didn’t fully understand yet, and a classroom friendship was born.
From there it took a few weeks for our relationship to blossom outside school. The first time you came over to my house, I told my parents to play it cool, but before dinner was even over my dad was making nickels disappear and picking your card from the stack. I was mortified. You seemed genuinely amused.
You came over more. I offered to go to your place. You declined. I tried not to be too clingy. You hung out with Cheyanne Metzner for two weeks and I cried at night. Cheyanne Metzner turned out to be a Scientologist. We were reunited. By Thanksgiving everyone knew to ask me where you were because we were so inseparable. I started jokingly referring to myself as your secretary. We got in our first fight. We got over it.
I eventually go over to your house when your parents are supposed to be at work. But your dad is home and drunk so we leave. I feel terrible and ill equipped to handle any problem that doesn’t originate in my chemically unbalanced brain. You laugh it off but cry later.
We spend the next four years attached at the hip. No one understands it other than us (and maybe my parents). We are best friends. So close that it doesn’t even matter that you’re going to school on the East Coast and I’m staying in LA. Weaker bonds wouldn’t survive that, but we’re not weak. We make a pact to write to each other every day (i.e., I make a pact and force you to sign it). We separate. You call a Lyft to take you to the airport. I yell at you for that. We remain closer than ever, even when you come out as queer in a very casual way.
Sure, there are ups and downs, but there have always been ups and downs. We once didn’t speak for a week because I implied you might have a drinking problem because you drank. At all. Another time, I called you crying for not calling me first. (Writing this out, I can see why I might be a lot to handle.)
But none of that mattered because we were committed to each other. Everyone always talks about the effort you have to put into a romantic relationship or a marriage, but why would a friendship be any different? You are always going to be more important to me than some random boy I marry. (At least until the silver wedding anniversary.)
I know that everything is in flux right now. You’ve moved. You’ve come out. You’ve started and quit your dream job. Your dad is pretending to be sober. I know you hate it when I try to “therapize” you, but I think you might be in some sort of spiral and taking it out on me. (I forgot to mention you also got dumped! I forgot because you never get dumped!)
I’m not even asking you to apologize anymore. I’m just asking you to step back, look at the length and depth of our relationship, and ask yourself if you really want to throw it away because I don’t like your TA.
“Life is too short for long-term grudges.”—Ava
P.S. Elon Musk actually said that but he invented independent space travel, so we should listen to him.
Re: REGARDING MY LACK OF FUN
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
The joke wasn’t about Voltaire. It was about Camus.
Re: REGARDING MY LACK OF FUN
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Oh, shit! You’re right! Please do not disregard my entire argument due to one factual mistake.
2:42 PM PST
I just saw Kristen Stewart!
She was with her GF! They look happy!
Text me back within the next 30 minutes and I’ll send you a blurry photo as proof!
3:11 PM PST
One minute remaining before you lose your chance at an exclusive photo!
3:13 PM PST
OK. I’ll sell it to Star instead.
I’M ON TO YOU
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
I’ve got to give you props. At first I was very confused and deeply hurt. How could my best friend in the ENTIRE WORLD be ignoring me? The world is a terrible place, but not THAT terrible. At least in America.*
But then, while out past my bedtime last night, I realized something. You aren’t actually mad at me! You are just conditioning me to do better on my own! I’ve been too dependent on you even though you’re thousands of miles away. I know I don’t have to go out and meet people because I’ll always have you to talk to. But now I don’t have you to talk to and I need to talk! (Seriously, it feels like I have a word quota and if I don’t meet it every day, words spill out of me at the cash register, which holds up the line and causes a lot of eye rolling. From the cashier.)
By 3 PM yesterday I was completely stir-crazy. I thought about going home for the weekend, but that seemed like admitting defeat. (Also, my parents had plans.)
So I called Curtis. (I know you’re a fan.) I acted casual, as though it was completely normal for me to call him up and ask what he was doing on a Friday night. He was too polite to call me on anything and seamlessly invited me to a film school party. I went, completely prepared to have a terrible time.
Instead, I stayed out until 12:30 talking and laughing with people who were drunk but not so drunk they were wearing costumes or grinding to EDM. If the playlist had been ’90s music it would have been the perfect party. Sophia was there, but I took the high road and smiled before ignoring her. Curtis introduced me to a bunch of his friends, and I spent a lot of the time with his girlfriend, Darcy, who PA’d my shoot and happens to be bisexual.
I had such a great time that for at least an hour I forgot that I couldn’t tell you. Or that I could tell you but you might not respond.
And that’s when your master plan hit me. You were only going to ignore me until I didn’t need you anymore and instead just wanted you. (Yes, this language normally applies to romantic relationships, but what we have is equally important.)
Anyway, I’m here to tell you that your plan worked. I don’t need you anymore. I simply want you back in my life. Not to judge. Not to lecture. Just to love.
Well played.
Ava
*The 1% in America. (See! I learn from you!)
Re: I’M ON TO YOU
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Really??? No response? Maybe there is some part of your master plan I haven’t cracked yet. If you’re waiting for me to cut my hair or something, I might need a hint.
XO
8:57 PM PST
Darcy just taught me how to ride a hoverboard!
I only fell twice and am barely bleeding!
Text now for a hot pic!
9:14 PM PST
You called my bluff.
The photo wasn’t that hot.
TO UPDATE ON YOUR LIFE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
So it’s been a few weeks now and it feels too weird to not know what you’re doing so I have decided to make it up!
Overall you’ve been pretty busy studying for finals. (I assume this is the main reason you haven’t had time to respond to all of my delightful communications.) You’re getting ready to ace your Planet Earth test, and almost all of your papers are near completion. Your hair is a bit longer than normal, but it’s working for you.
Jazmin is sad to leave for break, but you guys are going to throw one heck of a holiday bash before she heads out. (It turns out that Jazmin loves Christmas, which is surprising but oddly enjoyable.)
Alex has been playing hard to get, but you’ve taken a page out of my book and are refusing to take no for an answer. He’s going to miss you over New Years, and then the two of you will reunite in some open form of relationship next semester. It’s going to be beautiful and magical, and I promise to instantly like any photo you post on Instagram.
Familywise, your parents are giving you a hard time for not coming home, but not enough of a hard time to buy a ticket for you or come to visit. Your dad is still sober but annoying, although you’ve had a few private moments with your mom that haven’t been completely intolerable. Hope looks adorable over FaceTime playing dreidel. It would have been wholesome if someone didn’t know the backstory.
Finally, you miss me. You think about me constantly and wonder what you could possibly say after all this time. Do you need to apologize? Do you need to yell? I just want to let you know I would be happy with a “Hey.” Just give me a “Hey,” and I’ll take it from there.
A
P.S. Can’t wait for us to make up so I can see how much of this I got right.
4:17 PM PST
Just got home for break.
My parents want to go get ice cream in December.
You must miss LA a little, right?
9:23 AM PST
I keep thinking I’m going to hear from you on Christmas but then I remember we’re Jewish.
SUP?
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
Hi. Hey. Hello.
I’m sorry I haven’t been responding. It’s mostly because I haven’t been reading. I was so pissed when you left I tried to block the whole experience (and you) from my head. Is that classic avoidance? Yes. Did large festive alcohol consumption help? Absolutely.
I know that it seemed like we were fighting about Charlotte, but I don’t actually give a shit about Charlotte. If anything, I got angry that morning because I was embarrassed. It’s hard enough living with my own questionable decisions without some pillar of morality reflecting back at me. (You’re the pillar, if that was not clear. And you’re quite shiny.)
I almost ran after you that day, but then I started thinking about why I was so mad. You’ve judged my “bad behavior” numerous times in the past, and it never made me feel like ripping off the top of the Empire State Building. So something else was obviously going on. And after a few weeks of stuffing my brain with final papers and excessive scarf purchases, the answer floated to the front of my mind, even as I was screaming, “Leave me alone!”
Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve been out and proud for less time than St. Vincent and Cara Delevingne were together. It’s easy to accept the queer community, but I still don’t know if they accept me. So it’s hard when I feel like I have to be your official ambassador for all things gay, when I still don’t know how to get to the town square without using my navigation.
Is this all your fault? No. But you demand a certain clarity to things that I can’t provide right now. Am I in love with Alex? Am I gay or bi? What does it mean when I kiss my friend for fun at a party? I do not have all the answers to these questions and I don’t know if I ever will.
Which is fine. I’m happy to live in the gray. The gray is my home nestled between my dysfunctional family and chaotic social life. But you, Ava, like black and white. And I felt bad that I kept disappointing you.
So I pulled away. And I fought the instinct to tell you about Shannon’s latest beef broth obsession. Or send you a picture of a student sleeping on a bench next to a squirrel, who was also sleeping. (So f-ing adorable. I saved it. Don’t worry.)
Pulling away was petty and mean and I’m sorry. But part of this whole “self-exploration” is realizing that I AM petty and mean. Not all the time, but enough to end up downstairs if downstairs is actually hell.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be your friend. I just want to be able to tell you about something without having to give it meaning. I want to explore parts of myself that are inconsistent or ugly. I don’t want to be black and white, but I do want to be better. To you.
But I need you to be better to me too.
Gen
P.S. Wow. That was the gayest thing I have ever written.
Re: SUP?
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
My dearest Genevieve,
I apologize for not replying IMMEDIATELY as I am prone to do, but I wanted to take my time so as not to further botch the most important relationship of my entire life.
(After seven failed attempts at a response, my father dragged me to get fro-yo so I’m typing this from my phone like a cool/hip young exec who has to work weekends.)
I am so sorry. I completely disregarded how huge this semester has been for you. You came out in such a blasé way, I stupidly thought it didn’t even affect you. Like you woke up and were like, “I’m queer,” and then you got breakfast. Which was dumb because you never eat breakfast.
You are so brave and so strong that sometimes I forget someone like me can hurt you.
But you need to remember that you can hurt me too. I know I joke about being desperate and lonely and it feels like you can do anything to me and I will still be there, but I don’t want that to be true. I don’t want to be the kind of friend you can ignore or push away when you feel like it. You need to be present in this friendship if—
2:12 PM PST
What flavor did you get?
??????
Looks like peanut butter with rainbow sprinkles.
Are we FaceTiming by accident?
Look behind you.
OH MY GOD YOU’RE HERE.
Stop texting and hug me!
PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
Ava Helmer <[email protected]>
to Gen
Dear Best Friend,
It is with an EXTREMELY heavy heart that I say good-bye once again. Unlike the first time, however, I no longer feel the need to lay out the ground rules for what I now know will be a lifetime of friendship. Call me when you can. Text me often. And think of me constantly.
You have grown into a beautiful woman, and I can’t wait to watch the rest of your transformation.
A
Re: PLEASE CONFIRM RECEIPT OF THIS MESSAGE
Gen Goldman <[email protected]>
to Ava
R U serious??? WE ARE IN THE SAME ROOM.
U R beautiful 2.