Early June, Four Months Earlier
The incessant call of the alarm clock beeped from my nightstand. With almost a smile, I quickly reached out and silenced it. I was already awake. I lay on my back, staring at the shadows that rose then faded on the ceiling. Early morning threatened at the window. To my right, Elizabeth’s deep, even breaths bled into the silence, like a harmony that played at my ear.
The deepest sense of contentment blanketed me.
I rolled onto my side, careful not to wake her. Lost in the abyss of sleep, she faced me. Her blonde hair flowed out all around her, and a single lock dripped over her shoulder and brushed along her neck.
Peaceful. Perfect. Beautiful.
Forever beautiful.
I gently brushed my fingertips across the sharp angle of her jaw, then down to caress along the cap of her delicate shoulder.
Her lips parted, but she didn’t awaken.
As I watched her, adoration lifted one side of my mouth, and I trailed my fingers farther to her left hand that was fisted on the bed, tucked up close to her face. The diamond on her finger caught a glimmer of light that slanted in from the rising sun outside the window. It danced and played, a symbol of our forever.
Tomorrow, this woman would finally be my wife.
How had I ever become so favored as this? Maybe I could call it luck. But I knew better than that. This was redemption. Elizabeth had saved me with her forgiveness, had saved me with her honest heart.
She’d given me back my family, and together, we would grow it, foster it. Foster us.
Joy pounded steadily in my chest.
No, things just didn’t get any better than this.
I stared at her for a second more, before I reluctantly untangled myself from the comfort of our twisted blanket and sheets. I stood and stretched my arms over my head, wishing I could crawl back in bed with Elizabeth and wake her up the way I really wanted to. I’d woken up with an intense urge to bury myself in her, to get lost in her body for hours and hours.
Instead I’d lain silently at her side and just listened to her breathe.
She needed her rest. She was feeling so much better than she did in the beginning, but that baby girl still took so much out of her. Today would be nonstop with the last minute wedding plans…and tomorrow…I just wanted her to feel well, to bask in it, for her wedding day to be perfect.
That’s what I wanted it to be.
Perfection in Elizabeth’s eyes.
I already knew it’d be perfection in mine simply because in it, Elizabeth would finally become my wife.
Nothing else mattered.
Casting one last smile at her sleeping form, I forced myself into the alcove bathroom and turned the shower on high. I stripped off my underwear and waited for the water to warm up. Steam began to spill over the top of the walk-in shower, and I stepped into the heated spray. I lifted my face to the flood of water and scrubbed my palms up through my hair as I drenched my body.
Exhilaration traveled beneath my skin, an excitement that buzzed in my bones. I couldn’t wait.
After so long, I had finally made this right.
My senses prickled in awareness as I felt it…eyes tracing me from behind. Or maybe it was her smell that infiltrated my mind. Either way, Elizabeth’s presence engulfed me.
Slowly I turned to look over my shoulder, blinking through the droplets of water that clung to my lashes.
And she was there, my life. Half her body was concealed as she braced herself on the outside of the shower wall, peering in at me. Her head was tipped to the side. Waves of dark blonde dripped over one shoulder and brushed across the swell of her perfect, round breast.
A muffled groan rumbled from somewhere deep in my chest as my attention raked down to relish in every exposed inch of her luscious skin.
Completely bare, Elizabeth stood before me.
I swallowed hard. “What are you doing, Elizabeth?”
She was still thin, though her hips were just a little fuller, and distinct lines cut into the muscles of her defined legs. And her stomach. Was it wrong that I found that bump the sexiest thing I’d ever seen? She wasn’t all that big yet, but it was pronounced, a round swelling of her belly that fit perfectly in the splay of both of my hands.
She was watching me with something akin to lust, though that look harbored so much more than simple desire. In it was everything I felt when I looked at her.
Devotion and need. Adoration and this passion that would never let us go.
I grew hard, my body reacting to this temptation. I was all too happy to step into her snare.
“I woke up to an empty bed,” she murmured in the most seductive way, in a way that only Elizabeth could because it was only her voice that I recognized. “And I don’t get to sleep with you tonight…and…I just needed you,” whispered from her mouth. She gently lifted her chin and dragged her fingertips down the soft slope of her neck. Her fingers fluttered as they trailed down to the valley between her breasts, beckoning me to look at her, to see her.
She was beautiful, unbelievably sexy. Every erotic flick of her fingers was enough to drive me mad.
My eyes made another pass over her body as she stood there, taunting me.
A rosy glow blossomed across her skin on my blatant perusal.
Uninhibited and shy.
This was where Elizabeth captured me, where I was her captive, because I knew she’d only been this free with me, that this was the trust we shared.
An edgy smile pulled at my lips, and I fully turned so she could see what she did to me. Water pelted my back as I faced her, my erection straining, begging for her touch.
“You need me, huh?” I said, the words hoarse with the hunger that steadily built within me. “I’m pretty sure it’s me who needs you.”
A surprised moan rolled from her, and she bit at her lip and looked up at me beneath the veil of hair that had fallen across one side of her face. A mist of steam dampened her skin as she inched into the shower. Goosebumps visibly flashed across her flesh. Brown eyes locked on mine as she approached, her eyes simmering in a slow blaze.
With her stare, the burn beneath my skin ignited, flamed, a raging fire that singed and seared. Just her gaze was enough to mark me.
But Elizabeth already was there. Written all over my heart, scored into my spirit.
Watching me, she dragged her fingers lower, let them pass over her stomach and slip between her thighs.
My jaw clenched as my attention fastened on her movements. My tongue darted out to dampen my already wet lips, and my eyes flicked up to meet hers before they tumbled down, seeking out the tease she injected into every single one of her actions.
Fuck.
A muted groan parted my lips when Elizabeth raked her nails over the perfect pink bud of her breast. Both pebbled at the touch.
“What are you doing?” I asked again, the rough, ragged words dropping from my mouth, because I was pretty sure what she was doing was driving me straight to the edge. My muscles twitched, every inch of me aching for her.
She took a single step forward, where the fall of water stretched out just enough to hit her stomach. Soft fingers caressed along my chest and down the plane of my stomach, her chin tilted up as she met my gaze. Soft, tender, her expression so sweet, but still intense, filled with need.
Beneath her touch, my abdomen tightened and jumped.
She rocked a little, almost tentative as she took me in her hand.
I jerked and sucked in a sharp jolt of air.
“I woke up and heard the shower running,” she murmured, never looking away. “All I could think about was you in here, the water falling all around you, every inch of you drenched in it, how beautiful you are.” She swept her tongue across her lips, frowned as if she were searching for what to say. “I couldn’t stop thinking about how you’re finally really mine. All those times in college when you promised me you were going to marry me, and after everything, you still held true.”
Shudders wracked through my senses as she guided her hand up then slowly back down again. We were nose-to-nose, her whispered words like an embrace as they washed across my face and her voice dropped low. “I wanted to touch you…wanted you to touch me.”
A growl emanated from somewhere inside me, something that felt like greed, a possessiveness wringing me tight. Because we belonged. Fully. There were no longer uncertainties or doubts.
I wrapped my palm around the back of her neck and pulled her flush to me. My mouth seized hers, forceful, needy, demanding. I captured her tongue with mine, stroked and pleaded just as firmly as she continued to stroke me. Water beat down on us from above, soaking her hair and slipping down her gorgeous body. Goosebumps rose across her delicious flesh, charging my already heated skin.
“God, Elizabeth, do you have any idea what finding you standing here does to me?” I demanded through my aggressive kiss. I flattened myself against her as I framed her face in my hands. “Do you have any idea how insane you drive me?”
I looked down at her, feeling her warmth seeping into me, this girl who was the one.
She gripped me a little tighter. “It’s no different than what you do to me.”
The buzz in my bones awakened, quickened to a roar. Emotion swelled, thickened as it traveled through my chest, evidence of this love that thrived, one that gave me breath.
I took both her hands and wrapped them around my neck, holding her close.
Elizabeth shook in my hold, and I moved to trail my nose from high up on her cheek and down. Nudging her jaw, I sought out the soft skin of her neck, kissed her, adored her, traveled up to suck at the sensitive flesh at the hollow of her ear. I nipped and bit, then brushed my lips across the reddened skin to soothe the burn.
My mouth found the lobe of her ear, and I drew it between my teeth, released it before I spoke, the words scraping up my throat.
“I woke up absolutely aching for you today, Elizabeth. You lying in bed with me, tempting me while you slept.”
I slid my nose beneath her ear, nuzzled deep into her hair. I inhaled, drew her in, because she was the one who sustained my life.
“Did you know that? Did you know how badly I needed to feel you this morning? You drive me completely mad because it should be impossible that one woman could affect me this way.” I pulled back an inch and pinned her with my stare. “Only you.”
With my confession, her lips parted, brown eyes burning into mine. When she spoke, it was earnest, filled with truth.
“Only you…that’s all there’s ever been, Christian. You’re all there will ever be.”
An ardent smile curved her mouth—the same mouth I conquered with mine. My tongue swept over hers, urgent in its claim. She yielded to it, opening to me.
My hands roamed, skimming down the small of her back and to her bottom. I tipped her up and ground myself against her warm center.
Elizabeth gasped and buried her fingers in my hair. I took the opportunity to bend her back, dipped down to run my tongue along the rise of her breast. I sucked her nipple onto my mouth, rolled it against my tongue as I laved and teased.
She writhed.
Elizabeth suddenly dropped to her knees.
Fuck.
There was no stopping it, the desire that slammed me, knocked the breath from my lungs as she swirled her tongue around my tip before she took me whole.
“Shit, Elizabeth…” My head hit the shower wall. I grasped her by the head, my fingers buried in her hair. Pressing my thumbs into her jaw, I made a vain attempt to stop her assault.
But it just felt too damned good.
My hands picked up her rhythm, guiding her as she worked me into a frenzy that I was helpless to stop.
What she couldn’t take of me in her mouth she took in her hand. And she was making all these little noises that were quickly pushing me to the brink, winding me up so fast I was about to break.
“Uh…that feels incredible,” I grunted. Too good. Pleasure coiled. I needed to stop this before it was over before we even began. “Fuck,” I hissed as I gripped her by the hair and slowly drew her back.
Elizabeth’s needy eyes met mine as she reluctantly released me.
I was aching, hard, straining, burning to be inside her. I cupped her cheeks and forced her to stand, urged her up against the shower wall. Her back hit the tiles with a thud.
I sank two fingers deep inside her.
Elizabeth gasped, her head rocking back as she searched for air. Her body bowed, arching as if she were instinctively seeking me out, as desperate for my body as I was for hers. I hovered an inch over her with one hand pressed to the wall just above her head. My heavy erection begged where it slipped along the base of her belly.
“Please,” she whispered. Elizabeth was shaking, her nails digging into my shoulders as I rushed to fill her again and again, my fingers curling inside her warmth.
I dropped my hand from above her head and edged back a fraction to let my hand wander along her belly. Elizabeth sagged against the wall, her stomach tightening beneath my touch as I splayed my hand wide, cupping the protrusion resting between us.
“This is so fucking sexy, Elizabeth. Do you know that? Watching you grow round with my child. There’s nothing more beautiful than that. Nothing in this world more beautiful than you.”
I felt her start to tremble at my words. “Christian…please.”
Instead I slowed and raked my eyes down to where my hand was buried between her thighs. “Look at you,” I demanded through a harsh whisper. Both of us watched as I slowly worked her with my fingers, purposed and strong, teasing her with release. But I refused to let her go. “Look at how perfect you are.”
She shook more, and she reached out again to grasp me around the neck. “Christian, please, I can’t take much more,” she begged.
I pulled back, my hands on her hips as I looked down at her. I strained between us, dripping with need.
And those warm brown eyes were gazing up at me, overflowing with trust, with all the belief she had in me.
I took her by the thighs and hoisted her higher, filled her hard and fast.
A jagged breath squeezed from her lungs and her nails cut into the rigid muscles of my back. “Ugh,” came as a grunt forced between her lips.
“Is this okay?” I begged through a grunt.
Shit.
My control was slipping by the second. But there was no chance in hell I’d hurt her. I locked gazes with her, my hand coming up to brush away the hair sticking to her face as the water ran down it. “Baby…tell me this is okay because it’s been way too long since I’ve had you this way.”
Both of my hands moved to her ass, where I gripped her, balancing her weight, my fingers teasing along her flesh where we were joined.
She moaned and tightened her legs around my waist. “Ah…perfect…don’t even think about stopping.”
And I was fighting a smile, this girl, this woman who was so incredibly sexy, so perfect, the one who anticipated what I needed before I asked for it, the one who knew me.
I pulled back and rocked into her again, hard, demanding. Her back slammed against the wall.
“Yeah?” I challenged, another test, just because I wanted to hear her say it.
“Yes,” she said, giving me exactly what I wanted.
My hips jerked as I rocked into her. I filled her again and again. Relentless. Desperate. Because I would forever be desperate for her.
Incoherent pleas tumbled from her mouth, bled and blended with grunts scraping up my throat.
“Fuck…Elizabeth…you feel so good. Baby, I need more,” I grated as I pinned her with my hips. Shifting, I wound my arms under her legs, held her by the back of the thighs. I stretched her wide and sank into her deeper than I ever had, forcing the air from her lungs with every thrust of my body.
I held her bottom in my hands, quickened as I drove into her.
Her eyes locked on mine as she tipped her chin up to me, our connection unshakable, the woman I held in my hands representing everything that was good in my life.
“More,” she said.
She raked her fingers down my back, dragged them back up to anchor in my hair. And we were face to face, our mouths a breath apart. Short rasps of air escaped from her throat and she was staring at me as if I were her world.
The burn of pleasure tightened like a knot in my spine, pulsed as it begged to be set free.
“Christian…mmm…so close,” she mumbled, struggling to get me closer.
I gripped her tighter as I tilted, rolled my hips and rocked into her. “Come for me,” I demanded.
At my words, I felt it tear through her, ripping through her in staggered, palpable waves.
That was all it took, and I gave, snapped as I was hit with a pleasure greater than anything I’d ever known. It could only be found in Elizabeth. I throbbed and jerked as I came, my hips pinning her to the wall.
Gasping, I searched for breath as my chest collapsed against hers.
My fingers loosened their hold, and I gently wound my arm around her waist to hold her up. My smile bled soft as I looked at her. “That was…” I blinked, realizing there were no words. No words for this woman who was my heart, no words for the woman who held my soul.
Instead I brushed back the soaked hair matted to her face, gently tucked it behind her ear, and cupped the side of her face. I ran my thumb along the apple of her cheek. My throat bobbed heavily as I swallowed.
“I can’t wait to call you my wife. You’ve been Elizabeth Ayers for far too long.” My words were coarse with intent. “I’m going to give you everything, Elizabeth. Anything you want in this world, it’s yours.”
Her smile was almost sad as she looked at me. With trembling fingers, she reached out and traced my bottom lip. “That’s all I want, Christian. All I want is to forever be yours.”
Christian ~ Early June, Four Months Earlier
Wracked, broken sobs beat into my chest where her face was buried. I stood at the side of the bed, bent over her as I cradled her head in the crook of my arm. My other arm was mashed between us, our hands clasped, clutching, searching for anything to ease this pain.
My head spun with confusion. A disordered chaos rained down like a raging storm, a flood sent to ruin and destroy.
Elizabeth clamped down on my hand as she wept. She pressed her face deeper into my shirt. Her mouth gaped open as she cried out, “No.”
Dizziness swept through me. It amplified the shock that clung like a torpid haze to my muddled mind. A sharp stab of sickness twisted my gut, so strong it almost brought me to my knees.
No.
Elizabeth’s doctor’s voice broke through. “I know you don’t want to do this, Elizabeth, but I need you to. Just one little push, okay? All we need is one tiny push and it’ll all be over.” Dr. Montieth coaxed her, the woman’s tone sympathetic as she persuaded Elizabeth into succumbing to what she didn’t want to do.
“I can’t,” Elizabeth wailed again. Her tears soaked through my shirt as she wept against my chest. She squeezed my hand so tightly it constricted the blood flow, her fingernails cutting into the skin at the back of my hand.
I tightened my hold on her. I would give anything to stop this. Would give up my life, would give up my soul.
No.
Desperately I searched inside myself for a way to give her comfort. I wanted to tell her it would be all right. I tried to say it, but the lie only wedged in my throat.
It wouldn’t be all right.
Instead I begged, “Shh…baby…shh,” through a choked whisper at her ear, completely helpless. Utterly and completely helpless. Powerless to do a goddamned thing but stand here and watch our world fall apart.
“Yes, you can, Elizabeth. I need you to do this for me,” Dr. Montieth prodded. Her voice was both soft and firm.
Elizabeth screamed as her body gave in. She cried out into my shirt that was drenched with her tears. I clutched her by the back of her head, held her closer, let her sobs tear and rend and destroy as they sliced though me.
Cold slipped through my veins as an anguished stillness seized the room.
Breaths were held in the second my heart broke.
God, I’d dreamed about this moment since the second Elizabeth and I had stood in her bathroom with that test, while joy had consumed us as we’d hoped for this future. Pages upon pages had been dog-eared in that fucking book I kept on my nightstand, the one I’d studied as if it were the Bible, so I’d be familiar with every detail. I wanted to be prepared to support Elizabeth, wanted to be prepared to welcome our little girl into this world.
But I never could have been prepared for this.
Absent were the cheers of encouragement. Absent was the rally of support. There was no urgent thrill and there was no joy radiating from these walls.
Instead, stifled air bore down from above, smothering, suffocating, a silence so thick it echoed from the cold, sterile floor.
It was penetrated only by the deep, agonized cries that ripped from Elizabeth.
In it was chaos, mayhem in my mind. Because I could make no sense of this.
Because it was senseless. Wrong. Unimaginable.
Part of me didn’t want to see, the other couldn’t look away. My hold was fierce as I clutched Elizabeth, keeping her face hidden in my chest as if I could shield her from the cruelty that played out before my eyes.
And there were no shrill cries that welcomed her into this world.
There was just an unbearable stillness and the most excruciating pain I’d ever experienced in my life.
On a disposable blue pad, Elizabeth’s doctor held our lifeless child in her hands.
Blood stained her, covered her whole, this little girl that already held my heart. My vision blurred. She was so small. God, she was so small. So thin. The cord that was supposed to have sustained her life, but had instead snubbed it out, was still connected to her belly, still connected to Elizabeth.
Vomit pooled, and I forced it down as I stumbled through the fog that tumbled and whirled. Somewhere within myself, I fought for coherency, screamed at myself to wake up, because this had to be nightmare. There was no possible way that this was real.
Through the haze, I blinked down at my baby girl as they cut through her cord.
The nurse took her away while Dr. Montieth continued to work on Elizabeth, to birth the aftermath of our destruction.
And Elizabeth. She just cried. She just cried and cried and wouldn’t stop, and I had no idea how to stop the pain.
I kissed her on the crown of her head. “I love you, Elizabeth,” I whispered into her hair.
She clung to me a little tighter.
I glanced at the clock. It was just after two a.m.
It’d felt like seconds, like ages since this morning when it’d started with the promise of our future.
How had it ended this way?
Just like that.
Over.
Elizabeth had called me a little before noon. I’d answered with a smile, laughing with Matthew as we picked up our tuxes. But Elizabeth…the fear in her voice had struck me silent. She’d whispered that she was sure something was wrong. Hoping to assuage her fear, I told her not to worry and to call Dr. Montieth. Still, something inside me had quaked.
I knew I should have been gentler with her this morning, knew I’d been rough and demanding.
Knew if I’d hurt her I’d never forgive myself.
Dr. Montieth had told her to drink some orange juice, to lie down for a while and then to call her back if she still didn’t feel Lillie move after half an hour.
That half hour had passed, and Elizabeth had called me, frantic, begging me to come home. I was already on my way.
We went into the emergency room where they sent us up to the maternity floor. Dr. Montieth had met us. She’d come into the room with the normal smile on her face. She had laughed a little, teasing Elizabeth that she was always worrying, her casual demeanor something that always set us both at ease.
Until I saw her face.
I saw it, the grim set of her mouth as she held that little probe at Elizabeth’s belly, as she searched and searched and searched for a heartbeat that she told us later had probably stopped beating during the night before.
She thought it was a cord accident, although she said we couldn’t be one hundred percent certain.
But in the end, it didn’t matter because it didn’t change the fact that our little girl was gone.
Dr. Montieth had given us our options. Elizabeth could be induced or she could go home and wait for her body to naturally go into labor. But the one option we wanted wasn’t viable, the one that would give us the chance for this baby to live.
Neither Elizabeth nor I could bear the idea of going home and knowing that our child was gone.
And eight hours later, we were here.
Broken.
Elizabeth continued to cry, and I tried to breathe—tried to breathe for her as I hovered over her, hugging her to me, but it felt impossible, because there wasn’t enough air for the both of us. Not enough for any of us.
My head pounded, throbbed and splintered, blinding, so severe I couldn’t see.
Finally, Dr. Montieth finished the torture, but the torment had only begun.
Thirty minutes later, one of the nurses came back in. I edged back and stood at the head of the bed to give her room, so she could come to Elizabeth’s side. Sympathy was written in every line on the woman’s face, her voice subdued as she bent her knees and got to eye level with Elizabeth. “Would you like to hold her now?”
Through her tears, Elizabeth frantically nodded. “Yes.”
She’d already decided this. Elizabeth wanted to see, to be given the chance to hold our baby girl.
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
A few moments later, she returned. Lillie was completely wrapped in a blanket, her face covered. The nurse gently laid her in Elizabeth’s arms.
An unrecognizable sound squeezed from Elizabeth, a pain so intense, it ricocheted around the room, reverberated off the walls, slammed into me. She cradled her on her shoulder, rocked her as she cried out toward the ceiling, as she cried out toward the heavens. It transformed into a desperate whine as Elizabeth slowly began to unwrap her, as she kissed her face and her fingers and her toes. Elizabeth felt her, touched her, a frenzy taking over Elizabeth as she tried to memorize every inch of the little girl we would never really know.
I moved to sit in a chair beside Elizabeth’s bed. I rested my elbows on my thighs with my hands dangling between my knees. I just gave Elizabeth time, because that was the only thing I had to give.
Elizabeth’s mother came and went, touched my cheek as she passed.
Hours passed, and the sun slowly rose on what was supposed to be our wedding day.
And still I reeled, my thoughts unable to catch up to this savage reality.
All off it… I dropped my head toward the ground and buried my face in my hands. I could bear none of it.
There was a soft knock at the door. It opened so slowly, and I looked up just as my mother emerged. Tears stained her cheeks, her vivid blue eyes dimmed with the same agony that held my heart. She stood there, biting at her bottom lip as another round of tears streamed down her face. Her attention locked onto Elizabeth, who rocked the child, unwilling to let her go.
She approached, almost cautious, and eased down to sit on the edge of the bed. With her palm, she touched Elizabeth’s face and drew it up to meet her own.
God, I had to look away. What was held in Elizabeth’s expression tore me apart. She was shattered. Swollen, dark bags hung beneath her eyes. Those eyes were red, glassy, dazed, as if she couldn’t make sense of this any more than I could. In all of it was agony.
Mom brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead. “You brave, wonderful girl,” she said as she held Elizabeth by the chin, sitting back as her head drifted to the side. She never broke connection with the grief flowing from Elizabeth’s gaze.
Finally she turned her attention to Lillie and, with her palm, cupped her tiny head. “Look at her…she’s beautiful.” Sorrow clotted her words, and she ran her thumb along the span of her forehead. “I know you don’t need me to tell you this, but don’t let anyone try to convince you this child is anything less than your daughter.”
Mom unfolded an old blanket that she pulled from a bag and draped it across our child. “This belongs to her.”
Elizabeth choked over a sob.
I averted my gaze to the ceiling. God, this was excruciating. Brutal.
Then she rose, touched her little hand, then placed another kiss to Elizabeth’s head, let it linger like an embrace.
She turned and kissed me in almost the same way as she’d done Elizabeth, with actions that were full of understanding, with sympathy that I wasn’t sure I could bear.
Then she quietly slipped out of the room.
Elizabeth’s sister, Sarah, came in with the same result. Just more fucking sorrow heaped into this room that was becoming harder and harder to bear.
I yanked at my hair, feeling like I was seconds from losing my mind. I couldn’t do this. Couldn’t. I didn’t want to. I wanted my daughter. I wanted Elizabeth to become my wife. I wanted to make this right.
And Elizabeth just held her, rocked her and kissed her and fucking talked to her.
Finally I couldn’t take it any longer. “I’ll be right back,” I said.
I stumbled down the hall and found my way into the men’s restroom that was just as fucking unbearably cold as the rest of the rooms of this godforsaken place. In its reprieve, I grabbed for the counter to hold myself up as I looked in the mirror. I was haggard. Black hair stuck up in every direction and dark circles sat prominent beneath my dismal eyes.
Anger shook me, and I clung to the edge of the counter as I bent at the waist.
How could this have happened? How? Today, Elizabeth was supposed to become my wife, and instead, we were here.
My head pounded with the pain, with the constant flashes of the life we were supposed to lead.
I turned as if I’d find escape, but just faced a wall. I dropped my forearms to it and rested my forehead against it, holding myself up as it all came crashing down.
“Fuck,” I cried. My fist slammed into the hard, cold tile just beside my head. Pain splintered my bones, but it didn’t come close to touching the pain that ravaged me in places I didn’t know existed.
Ruined.
Destroyed.
Never had I believed anything could hurt this bad.
Hopelessness came barreling into my consciousness where it firmly took root.
I gasped for air.
But there was none to be found.
I forced myself to the sink and splashed cold water on my face. I couldn’t do this. I knew Elizabeth needed me. I staggered back out into the hall.
Matthew leaned up against the wall outside of Elizabeth’s room. His steady gaze met mine as I approached him. I dropped my eyes. Too many emotions tumbled through me, welling up and threatening to burst free.
He straightened as I approached, then pulled me in for a hug, just a clap on the back before something seemed to hit him, and his arms constricted around my shoulders. He hugged me hard.
“I’m sorry, Christian.” He stepped back and looked to the far wall, rushed the back of his hand beneath one eye as he sniffled. “Fuck…I can’t believe this happened. I don’t even know what to say to you right now.”
My chest tightened. I wondered if it’d always been this hard to breathe. “You don’t need to say anything.”
He turned to me with a nod, as if he perfectly grasped my meaning. Then he fixed his attention on me. “Elizabeth’s Mom went back to our house to be with Lizzie, so Natalie could come over here. We were able to keep Lizzie satisfied last night, but she knows something’s up. I can tell she’s scared. She’s starting to ask a bunch of questions and is whining. She’s just not acting like herself. Do you want me or Natalie to talk to her?”
I shook my head as I stared at the gleaming white floor. “No. They’re supposed to release Elizabeth a little later. Let me get her home and then I’ll come and get Lizzie, okay? I want to be the one to tell her.”
“Okay…I’ll just let her know you’ll be there to get her in a little while.”
“I appreciate you looking out for her.”
“Of course, Christian. Whatever you guys need…anything…just let us know.” He ran a shaky hand over his head and down his neck. “I’m going to get back to the house, relieve Elizabeth’s mom for a little while so she can come back over here.”
“Thank you,” I said sincerely.
“Please…Christian…please…don’t let them take her.” She was frantic, flailing.
I pinned her arms down, spoke close to her face. “Baby, it’s time…you have to let her go.”
“No!” She struggled against me, her cries like fucking torment beating against my ears.
My spirit thrashed, clashed with hers as she begged.
“You have to let her go,” I said again, the words cracking as I forced them from my mouth.
Elizabeth wept, lifting her back off the bed as she bucked against me, her anguished face lifted toward the ceiling. Tears streaked from the creases of her eyes and slipped down to disappear in her hair. “No…please, Christian, don’t let them take her.”
“You have to, Elizabeth.”
“Please,” she whimpered. But this time, it was in surrender. Her body went limp and she slumped back onto the bed, but the tears from her eyes fell unending, her hands balled up in fists as my hands shackled her wrists.
I swallowed down the misery and slowly released the hold I had on her wrists. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. It sounded like my own concession.
Elizabeth withdrew, turned her face from me, her eyes pinched shut. I tried to wrap her in my arms, but she rolled to her side with her back to me.
I stood there, staring down at her as she drew ragged breaths into her lungs.
I’d promised her anything. Had promised her everything.
But I was left with nothing to give.
Six hours later, I drove around the slumbering neighborhood. Night had fallen, the dull street lamps flooding muted light along the road. An hour before, Lizzie had fallen asleep in her booster in the backseat of my car. When I’d stood in the doorway to Matthew and Natalie’s, looking down at my little black-haired girl, it was as if she’d already known. She looked up at me, stricken, grief swimming in the depths of her young eyes. I’d gathered her in my arms and took her to the park where I told her everything in as little detail as I could, though the images had raged, vivid violence playing out in my mind.
Now I drove, listening to my daughter’s uneasy breaths emanating from the backseat. I went in circles. Aimless.
I guess I didn’t go home because I knew things would never be the same.
Dr. Montieth had taken me aside and promised me there was nothing I could have done, there was nothing I could have changed that would have led to a different outcome other than the one we’d been given.
But I couldn’t stop my mind from going there, from wandering, from wondering, from blaming. There had to have been something that could have changed this course. If I’d have just been gentler, more cautious, made her rest.
The rational side of me knew it wasn’t my fault, but my heart just wanted to protect her.
Exhaustion began to set in. The fog that had blurred my thoughts was now blurring my eyes. I wound back around, inching by the front of the little house we shared before I pulled into the driveway. One dull light glowed from within, the house quiet, sadness radiating from the walls.
Carefully I gathered Lizzie from the backseat and cradled her in my arms. I trudged up the walkway. At the door, I shifted Lizzie to the side, fiddled with the knob and unlatched it. The door creaked as it slowly swung open.
My mother jerked up from where she sat on the couch, perching on the side. Her expression caught mine. Bleak. Broken. Just like the rest of us. Tears wet her cheeks, and she seemed almost frantic as she wiped them away, as if she didn’t want me to find her that way. For a moment, I just looked at her, before she tilted her head to the side as if to say she understood, when I was sure there wasn’t a single person in this world who could possibly understand what I was feeling. I nodded though, turned and mounted the stairs with Lizzie sleeping in my arms.
I didn’t take her to her bed. I passed it by and carried her into our darkened room.
From where she lay on her side on the bed, Elizabeth’s silhouette seemed to fill up the entire space, her grief stealing all the air from the room.
Quietly I edged forward and placed our daughter in the middle of our bed. The two faced each other, lost in sleep, their breaths short and ragged. I tucked the covers up under their chins. Elizabeth shifted. Her arm wound around Lizzie’s waist and she tugged her near.
I just stood there in the shadows, in the blackness that consumed the walls, the blackness that consumed my heart. It echoed back the void. The loss.
I backed into the wall, slid down to the floor and pulled my knees to my aching chest.
The whirlwind had subsided. The storm cleared. And all that was left was the devastation that laid in its wake.
Present Day
I’d let her down. Even if there was nothing I could have done to stop it, it didn’t change the fact that I wasn’t able to save my Elizabeth from the pain. I couldn’t. I’d been just as helpless as she was, and that was what I’d never wanted to be.
And I missed my baby girl. I missed her so much because the love I had for her was real.
I didn’t think a single second would pass in my life without me regretting not holding her. For being too much of a coward to hold my daughter in my arms. That decision would forever haunt me.
Elizabeth couldn’t even look at me after it happened. Somewhere inside me, I understood that it really wasn’t me, but that seeing me was an echo of what we had lost.
That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. It didn’t mean there wasn’t anger and issues that neither Elizabeth nor I had been strong enough to deal with.
Never once had we talked. We’d just let bitterness and resentment grow. Until that day when no words had been spared. When they’d been said when they shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean it. I’d lashed out when Elizabeth had cut me to the core, her words so brutal she may as well have kicked me in the stomach.
I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face, grasped the counter and hung my head between my shoulders.
The hairs at my nape rose in awareness, an awareness taking hold as her calm slipped into the room. Slowly I turned my attention to the bathroom door where Lizzie stood in the doorway, peering in at me as she clung to the knob.
She blinked through knowing eyes. “Are you sad, Daddy?”
I trembled a smile as I took in the little girl who was my light.
Swallowing hard, I spoke, the words strangled as I forced them around the lump wedged in my throat. “Yeah, baby, Daddy is very, very sad.”
She edged forward, cautious as she stole into the bathroom. She came up behind me and wrapped her arms around the back of my legs.
Slowly I turned around and leaned down to gather her in my arms, slid down to the floor and pulled her onto my lap.
Lizzie buried her head in my chest, and she choked, a sob winding from her palpitating chest. She expelled it in the collar of my shirt.
With the connection, with her sorrow, I let it go, let my unshed grief fill my eyes as I clung to my daughter. Rocking her, I lifted my face to the ceiling, felt the wetness seep onto my cheeks.
Little fingers burrowed into my sides. “I’m so sad, too, Daddy.”
On a heavy exhale, I ran my fingers through her hair and laid my cheek on top of her head. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry you have to go through this with us. I love you so much…don’t ever forget how much I love you.”
She held me even tighter. “I just want you to come home.”
“I know, princess, I do, too.”
That’s all I wanted.
I just wanted to go home.