Present Day, Late September
On Thursday afternoon, I pulled up close to the curb in the circular drive in front of Lizzie’s school. I cut the engine to my little red Honda and glanced at the clock glowing from the dash. Only three minutes until the last bell rang. Yearning nudged me somewhere in my chest. It was just a little thump of awareness. But it was there. It was a feeling I hadn’t truly experienced in so long. I’d longed and I’d mourned, but I realized then I hadn’t really wanted.
And I wanted Lizzie.
Two days had passed since I last saw my little girl. She spent Tuesday and Wednesday nights with her dad. Even though I always missed her, there was a grim resignation that always came with it. It was then I’d find myself lost in the oblivion of sleep, wasting away the minutes and hours, letting go of those days of my life because I didn’t want to live them.
But today was different. I wasn’t sure what it was. This morning I woke early. I’d gotten up and cleaned the house, went out in the backyard and puttered around in the flower bed, had showered and changed.
I even looked in the mirror, studying what my mother had seen earlier in the week, the hollow woman who’d been staring back at me. Almost frantically, I put makeup on, as if I could cover it up, hide what was festering inside of me.
And I knew it was only a temporary solution, a patch that couldn’t hold.
Still, I found some sense of satisfaction in it.
Now I was anxious. I gripped the steering wheel, willing time to pass. I couldn’t wait to wrap Lizzie in my arms.
After what seemed an eternity, the bell rang. Seconds later, children began to flood through the school gates and out into the open corridor.
I rose from my car and went to stand on the walkway, my attention focused ahead as I strained to catch the first glimpse of my daughter.
“Hey, Liz.”
A short gasp escaped me and I jumped when I was hit with the voice that fell much too close to my ear. I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to catch my breath.
“Logan, hi,” I wheezed. A disconcerted smile ruffled my mouth as I attempted to regain my composure. Ridiculous, but the man had really startled me.
“I didn’t hear you,” I said, feeling self-conscious as I peeked up at him from the side.
He laughed, pitching a casual hand through his shaggy, blond hair.
I might have been from California, but Logan definitely owned the look.
“Well, that’s because you were about a million miles away.” With a grin, he gestured his chin toward the gate. “Or rather, lost within those halls over there.”
I smoothed myself out. “Yeah, I guess I was, wasn’t I?”
“Are you missing her?” he asked, his expression suddenly serious as he turned his full attention on me.
Taken by surprise at his question, I jerked to look at him. I blinked rapidly as I found him staring down at me. His gaze was intense, like he was searching for an answer inside of me.
I really didn’t know him all that well. I’d spoken with him casually when I’d dropped Lizzie off at his house or he’d picked Kelsey up at mine, and we’d shared quick exchanges like this out here in front of the school. But honestly, the last months had passed in such a blur that I really couldn’t remember much of our interactions at all, just innocuous hellos and goodbye wishes that meant nothing at all.
Now he was looking at me as if he understood some fundamental piece of me.
He seemed to take my silence as an admission, and he released an empathetic breath. “You know…” He spoke softly, slowly, his hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his shorts. “It’s really difficult getting used to at first.” He kind of shrugged. “Dropping them off and knowing you won’t see them for days. Going home to the obtrusive silence of an empty house.” He inclined his head, nodding as if he were convincing me of something I needed to know. “But it does get easier. I can promise you that. Pretty soon, it just becomes a routine. Normal.” It almost sounded like defeat.
Is that what this was? Something I would get used to? I chewed at the edge of my bottom lip as I let my attention drift back toward the gates. The idea tumbled around in my head. My first instinct was to reject the notion. No, I just wasn’t willing to accept this as normal. But the truth was, I didn’t know what normal was anymore.
A shock of black hair that could only belong to Lizzie finally came into view behind the herd of students flocking to their cars. Her ponytail bounced wildly behind her as she skipped along the sidewalk, hand-in-hand with Kelsey. She was smiling, a smile so bright I couldn’t help but smile myself.
“Mommy!” she squealed when she caught sight of me. She made a beeline in my direction, Kelsey in tow. “I missed you.” She threw her arms around my waist and hugged me. I weaved my arms around her, high up on her back, holding her close to me. God, it felt so good. How much had I missed this child? I realized then, I’d been missing her for much longer than just the last two days.
For a few seconds, she kept her face buried in my stomach before she turned that precious face up to me.
I ran the back of my fingers down the soft skin of her cheek, my head tilted to the side as I looked down at my daughter beaming up at me. “I missed you so much, baby girl. Do you know that?”
Her little hands clung to me, and I felt all of her love. But it was there, too, a trace of her confusion, a hint of her need she kept tucked inside her, hidden away in the same way I hid my own. I sighed in regret as I ran my fingers through the silky strands of her ponytail, a gentle encouragement that somehow, someway, we were going to figure all of this out.
She hugged me a little more before she turned her attention back to Kelsey, who seemed to be permanently attached to her side. “Mommy, when can me and Kelsey play again? We haven’t got to play in a whole week,” Lizzie said emphatically, the sweet, innocent, little girl making a return.
My voice was soft as I cupped her cheek. “I’m not sure, sweetheart, but I’m sure we can figure something out.”
“Kelsey’s going to be with me over the weekend.” Logan’s voice broke into the moment.
I’d almost forgotten he was there. Taking Kelsey’s backpack from her, he slung it over one shoulder.
“Why don’t you and Lizzie come over Sunday afternoon? We can let the girls play and we can barbecue or something?” He said it in an offhanded way, completely nonchalant.
I hesitated, knowing it should be nothing. Still, it felt like something.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” I said quietly, turning my gaze down to my feet.
“Oh, please, Mommy, please!” Lizzie begged at my side as she jumped up and down.
Kelsey joined in. “Yes! I wanna have a barbecue!”
I chanced a glance in his direction. Logan grinned at me with his hair flopping down in his face. He flipped it back with a shake of his head.
“It’s not a big deal, Liz. Honest…it’s just food, and it’ll be a ton more fun if we share it with friends.”
My deadened senses sparked. Christian fluttered through my consciousness like a breeze, a gust of his presence breathing into me. His touch…a whisper of his mouth. A ripple of need.
An eruption of blinding pain.
I squeezed my eyes to block it all out, this reflex that curled in my stomach and soured in my mouth.
I hated it, hated that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling like this whenever I thought of him.
I shook the involuntary reaction away, convincing myself it didn’t matter anyway. It wasn’t as if this meant anything, because it didn’t. It was just something to get me out of the house, something to break me from the cycle I’d given myself over to.
I’d promised Natalie…had promised myself.
I will try.
“Come on, Mommy,” Lizzie implored again as she tugged at my hand, looking up at me with hopeful blue eyes.
“Fine.” I bit at the inside of my mouth as I agreed, feeling a flicker of unease. “Is there anything I can bring?” I asked warily, giving in and looking up at Logan.
“Nah. Kelsey and I hardly ever get the chance to entertain, so we’d be happy to take care of it all. Right, honey?” he asked as he flashed a mega-watt grin at his beaming daughter.
“Right!” she said with a delighted nod of her head.
“Yay! I get to come over to your house!” Lizzie released my hand and nearly tackled Kelsey, the girls jumping as they squeezed each other in an overt show of excitement.
For the second time today, there was no stopping the smile that prodded at my mouth, the faintest hint of joy manifesting on my face. Seeing my daughter this way, knowing everything she’d been dragged through over the last few months and she still was thriving, brought a feeling of peace over me.
Any discomfort this brought me was worth it.
I will try.
I would try for her.
“So what time do you want us over?” I asked.
“Three sound good?”
“Sure.” Unsure would have been a better description of what I was feeling, but I said it anyway. I took Lizzie’s hand to start for the car. “We’ll see you Sunday, then.”
“Oh, and Liz?”
I paused and looked over my shoulder.
Logan’s gaze traveled my body before it landed back on my face. “You look really nice today.”
Self-consciously, I glanced down at the jeans and tee-shirt I wore, the first real clothes I’d worn to pick Lizzie up in months. I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt as I felt redness bloom on my face. “Uh…yeah…I guess I’ve looked a mess lately.”
His laughter was full of tease, though it rumbled with something more. “Believe me, Liz, no one can rock a pair of scroungy sweats the way you can.”
Then he lifted his chin with a smile and turned and led his daughter away.
Ruffled, I stood there watching them go. My mind reeled as I tried to make sense of what had just transpired. I placed an affectionate hand on Lizzie’s back. My voice was barely audible over the blaring headache that struck up in my head.
“We better get going.”
“Okay, Mommy.”
Logan waved back over at me as he climbed into his car.
I will try. For my daughter, I will try.