“Fuck him,” Judy says. “Fuck both of them, right up their…”

“Keep your voice down. We’re at school,” I find myself saying. Judy looks at me, pissed off.

“Well, I agree with Judy,” Kneeves says, standing up.

“Of course you do, Fred,” I roll my eyes. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t get laid.” Kneeves sits down and doesn’t even protest, since he knows I’m one hundred percent correct on that assumption.

“Look,” I say, standing up. “It doesn’t even matter. I’m pissed, but that’s sort of the last straw, right? Why are we even talking about it right now? I mean, Judy, was your date not going well so far or something?”

She turns pink and silent, but I can tell they were hitting it off pretty well. “Okay, good,” I say. “So fuck Halloway and fuck Addison. There, we’re done.”

But deep in my heart, the pain is swelling up by the minute. I can’t stop thinking about every single night spent with him, every single inch of him inside me, and the way he held me against his chest at night. I can’t stop thinking about all the fun we’ve had and the memories we’ve begun to create. When I really sit down and process what this means, I feel sick to my fucking stomach.

I instinctually make an exasperated noise and slump down in my seat. There’s no way I can teach class today, but I have to. I have so much shit to take care of and then Addison had to ruin everything with one bout of masculine anger.

Judy sees that I’m hurting and moves toward me. She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes down. I breathe out and groan. “You okay, sweetie?” she asks.

“No,” I admit. I feel like I’m about to cry. I feel the emotions ripping through my stomach, all the way to the backs of my neck. There isn’t a part of me that is okay right now. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Can someone please tell me what the fuck I am doing?”

“You’re going through a breakup,” she says. “It’ll be okay. You have us.”

“If you need anything,” Fred says, “and I mean anything, just let me know. You need a week off, that’s fine. We’ll get a substitute.”

I lose it. I break down in tears. It’s so fucking embarrassing, but I can’t hold it back. It all hurts so much. “Why am I here? In Canton of all places… God, I’m so fucked. This is all so fucked.”

“Hey, Canton isn’t that bad,” Judy says, glancing over at Fred.

“I know. I’m sorry,” I say. “But now I’m stuck here. With him. And I sure as hell don’t want to be. What’s going to happen when I run into him? I’m going to be a mess.”

“Things turn around. They always do,” Fred offers his crap words of wisdom to me. Great. Things turn around. Not really what I need right now, but okay…

Judy can sense my frustration. She’s a woman and understands that we need some tender advice every now and then. “He’s a motherfucker,” she says, stone cold. “And you’re a goddess who deserves to fly as high as she can. You’re a jewel in the sand, an oasis in the desert, a—”

“Thank you,” I cut her off. “I’m not, but thank you for being sweet to me. I need to take a few moments I think. I’ll finish out the day, but I need like thirty minutes to cool down.”

“You’re going home,” Fred says. “You’re not going to teach the students in this condition. If this were me, I’d be drowning in a bottle of scotch in my bedroom. Trust me, I get it. Go home. Get some rest. You’ll come in when you need to.”

I don’t know what to say. They’re both being so nice to me that it’s hard to give the right thanks back to them. “Thank you,” is what I manage to get out, and it seems to be okay for the time being.

I grab that bottle of scotch that Kneeves mentioned in his office, and I head home, driving slow and admiring the scenery. It’s a really beautiful town. I shouldn’t hate on it. It’s just that it’s hard now, with Addison being so nearby me, literally all of the time. The man never leaves and neither do I.

I cry a little every now and then, but when I’m inside my home, I drink quick enough to feel the pain go away in minutes. Soon enough, I’m turning on my old radio and dancing to old 80s pop songs in my bedroom. “I want to dance with somebody,” Whitney Houston sings, and I’m right there in her shoes, feeling good about myself again.

Addison can fight and drink, or do whatever his heart pushes him to do. He can do all that without me. Because I want a man that protects me when I really need protection. I want a man who’s not going to lose his shit and act on his primal impulses 24/7. I’m sorry, but I want a man who can dedicate his time and life to me. Clearly, he has some issues he still needs to work on.

I haven’t checked my phone in hours, but when I do, I know something bad is going to be there on my screen. Can you ever go through a breakup without the man texting you a bazillion times? Well, the answer is a clear no, because when I check, there’s about four.

“You there?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Helena, I’m really fucking sorry. Please answer me. Call me. Anything. I need to hear your voice.”

“I need to feel you again.”

The last one is a real winner. The problem is, I feel the same way. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be sorry, but I am. I don’t get it. It’s like I internally feel the guilt he should be feeling. Who knows? Maybe he’s really sorry too, and it’s not just some fake game he’s playing. I want to believe it.

“I need to hear your voice.” It’s true. I do too. I want to hear his voice. I want to feel his breath whisper against my ear and tickle around my neck. I want to feel the electricity again. I want to feel him around me. I want that feeling I got when he got hard just looking at me. And I need to feel him inside of me again. I hate that I do, but I do.

I grab my phone and text him. “Why don’t you ever listen? You were doing so well. We were doing so well.”

He calls me immediately and I answer after a few rings. “What?” I ask, harshly.

“You’re right,” he says, calmly. “I don’t listen. I need to be better. I need to be a better listener.”

“It’s not just that,” I say.

“Then tell me everything that it is and I’ll change,” he says. “Helena, I don’t want to be without you. This, us, was perfection. It was like living in heaven.”

“It was like living in a fantasy world,” I say. “We didn’t know what we were doing. We got into something we couldn’t get out of. Do you know how different we are?”

“Not that different,” he says. “We share the same values.”

“No we don’t,” I groan. “We’re incredibly different. You’re a navy SEAL macho-man, small town guy, and I’m a teacher from New York, who hates fighting and war, and all of that bullshit. We just don’t work together. This was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“You said that before and we got through it,” he says. “We can work through this. I swear to you. I want to change. I’m learning. Help me learn. Please.”

“Addison…” I sigh, feeling hopeless. “Oh, Addison. I don’t know what’s happened, but it feels so weird and different now. Don’t you agree?”

“I do,” he says. “But I know that I love you more than I ever have.”

“Just because you can’t have me,” I say. “That’s the only reason.”

“No,” he stands firm on this. “My love grows for you every single day, regardless of whether you’re with me or not.”

“Creepy,” I groan.

“Whatever. It’s the truth. I’m sorry if you think I’m a creep or a macho-man-asshole, or whatever. I’m sorry I gave you that impression of me. I promise that I’m better than that. I’m a complex human with some shortcomings, but I work on myself every day to be the right man for you. I’ll keep doing that,” he says. “I want to keep doing that. Don’t make me stop.”

I hate that it’s this way now. I hate that there are barriers we’ve built around our hearts. I hate that we judge each other harshly or that we both overreact. “It was easier when we first met,” I say. “Much easier. What happened?”

“Life happened,” he says. “It always happens, especially if you really love the person. Things get hard and then they get easy. Then you have kids and the whole thing gets harder than ever. That’s just the struggle of love. It wouldn’t be so incredible if you didn’t have to work for it.”

I laugh, despite that not being the appropriate response. I keep laughing for so long that he chuckles back, awkwardly. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I just don’t get it. You always know exactly what to say. I hate you for that.”

“I love you,” he says. “It comes from the heart.”

“I’m coming over,” I say. Despite being angry with him, I think I always knew I’d end up giving into him. I think all I really wanted from him was for him to tell me he cares to try, and that he was willing to give his all for this. In the end, he’s nothing like Halloway, or most guys I’ve been with. He’s Addison. He’s unique, he’s pure, he’s fragile, and yet he’s the strongest man I’ve ever seen. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I’ll love him forever.

“Thank God,” he says into the receiver. He laughs and I say, “See you soon.”

I smile and wipe the small tears from my face. I’m going back to my man.