It feels like he’s pinching my skin–no, like he’s cutting it open. “Ow! Ow, ow, ow, please stop,” I say quickly, pushing him away. “It hurts so bad.”

“Okay,” he breathes, rolling off of me and onto his side as he gathers the sheets into his chest. I pull the edge of them toward me, too, protecting myself, feeling incredibly vulnerable. He scratches his head in confusion. “You’re not relaxing at all, Zai,” he tells me. “I think you need to stop thinking about the act and just start feeling… if that makes any sense.”

“I’m trying!” I practically yell.

“You were much more relaxed and… in the mood… when we got back from lunch. You’re so tense now.”

“I’m nervous,” I tell him honestly. “And it hurts a lot more than I thought it would.”

“It’s all right. We don’t have to do this now.” He sighs, but smiles at me reassuringly, reaching across the bed to grab his underwear. “Want yours?” I nod my head. As I slip my panties on under the covers, he goes into the bathroom to get dressed.

I stare into his eyes as he walks back toward me in just his briefs. He’s quiet as he crawls back into bed.

“What now?” I ask him.

“Wanna watch porn?”

I jerk my head to look at him, shocked at the suggestion.

“What? It could work.”

“Work to what?”

He shrugs. “Get you in the mood.”

I glare at him until he catches my gaze. “You just said we didn’t have to do it right now.”

“Or not… My God, Zaina, I don’t think I could be any more romantic if I was god damned Prince Charming himself riding in on a white fucking steed.”

“Stop it, Trey,” I say, admonishing him. I sense he’s growing more frustrated than I was.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. There’s no way in hell I’m pressuring you into this. I said I’d do whatever you wanted today. Do you want to go to the beach? Any excursion you haven’t done? Let’s stop pressuring ourselves. It’s going to happen naturally.”

“It will. I’ll be ready to try again tonight, I’m sure,” I assure him.

“It’s fine, Zai.”

I see his phone light up beside me. Before he has a chance to ask for it, I hand it to him, a little relieved for the distraction.

“Max is texting. He wants to know if I’m busy.”

“Well, no one’s gettin’ busy now,” I tease him lightheartedly. He chuckles.

“He wants me to go over there.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. He says he needs me.”

My brows furrow in confusion. I’ve been his go-to person all week. “Why?” I ask, but Trey’s already pulling all of his nice clothes back on, getting ready to help his friend. “Want me to go with you?”

“No, stay here. It’s fine. Or maybe go get a massage or something.”

“I don’t want anyone else’s hands on me. Plus, are you going to be gone that long?”

“No idea… it was just a suggestion. How about… I’ll give you a nice massage when I get back?”

“I’d like that. It would be very relaxing.”

His eyes meet mine before he leaves, and he smiles. “It’s a date.”

As soon as he’s gone, I call my friend, Brinlee. Although she’s somewhere on the island, I suspect she’s been holed up with her new boyfriend the entire time, because no one has seen either of them since we checked in.

“Hey, Zaina!”

“Brin, I need your help. Do you have some time?”

“Bo?” The sound is muffled, as if she’s got her hand over the microphone. “Is it okay if I talk to Zaina for a few minutes?”

“I want you back in my arms in ten minutes,” I hear him say.

“I’ll be there. I promise. Okay, Zaina, I’m here. Sure, what’s up?”

“You have to ask for his permission?”

“I just want to be available to him.”

“You’re being overly-accommodating,” I tell her.

“Is that what you called to talk about?” she snips.

“No… I’m sorry. I need your advice about… sex.” I don’t know why I hesitate to say it, or nearly whisper the word when it comes out. I’m completely alone here.

“Did a condom break?”

“No, Brin… we haven’t gone all the way yet.”

“What?!”

“No. And I’m afraid we won’t. We just tried, and it hurt so badly that I had to stop him.”

“Hold on… Bo, I’m going to step outside for a second.” I wait in silence until she speaks again. “Is Trey really big?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have anything to compare him to.”

“Well… how many inches–”

“Brin, he’s not a freak show, okay?” I respond, cutting her off. “He assures me he should fit.”

“Of course, he’s going to say that. He wants in there.”

“You know him. He’s not like that.”

“You’re right. Well, were you using, like, lube?”

“Yes.”

“Were you turned on?”

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Well, yeah. I wanted him, and then everything just got really painful and that’s all I could concentrate on.”

“Maybe you just needed more foreplay.”

“We made out through half a movie… there was a lot of foreplay.”

“Did he, like, go down on you? That always makes me crazy.”

“I don’t like that.”

“Then he’s doing it wrong,” she says, laughing.

“I don’t want him doing it. It just seems… gross.”

“You don’t have to do it back to him. It’s not necessarily reciprocal… but giving head isn’t bad, and guys love it.”

“Uh, no, I’d never do it back to him, and the thought of him down there is just… why would anyone want to do that?”

“It’s… sexy. And if he wants to do that, it’s because he wants to do something that makes you feel good… that makes you feel adored. Callen never did it when we were dating. Should have been a huge warning sign that he wasn’t interested in me, or girls, or whatever. But Zaina, it’s amazing. It’s not weird or gross.”

“To you, maybe.”

“Really? You won’t even try it?”

“No way.”

“Okay… I never saw you as prudish.”

“I’m not a prude because I don’t want oral!” I say. “It seems unsanitary.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Whatever. Ummm… you’ve just got to get out of your head, I guess. Maybe have some music playing. Something that gets you in the mood.”

“That’s a good idea. We just had that movie playing in the background.”

“And maybe, I don’t know… you could talk dirty to him. See if he bites. Not literally. Or literally… maybe kink’s your thing, I don’t know.”

“Biting?” I ask, afraid.

“There’s no judgment in sex. You’re being a little judgey. For the record, Trey Holland doesn’t seem like a biter to me. I imagine he’s pretty straight-laced in bed. He is the one who wanted to wait forever to lose his virginity like a saint. Still, I think he’ll be disappointed to never get a blowjob…”

“He’ll never know what he’s missing, right?”

“I guess… but guys talk. And his two best guy friends are gay lovers. You think he hasn’t heard about the merits of a good blowjob?”

“He’s never experienced it.”

“Well, when I was a virgin, it all sounded gross to me, too. So maybe you’ll think differently in a few months,” she says.

“I doubt it.”

“A drink or two may help, as well,” she suggests.

“That’s a sore subject. We’re not drinking anything.”

“It’d be less sore if you did…” she teases.

“Hey, Brin,” I hear Bo in the background. “I need ya back.”

“I have to go, Zaina. Good luck. Let me know how it goes!”

“Thank you. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Music.

Flicking open my Music app, I start a playlist of all of my favorite songs.