After we finish eating dinner in our room, Trey pushes the food cart just outside our door. He saunters back in nervously, rubbing his hands together. “Thanks for understanding about tonight. I just didn’t feel like going out,” he says.

“No, I get it. I feel kind of… sad, too.”

“I don’t know what I feel.” He sits down next to me and takes my hand. “I was so sure about them, you know? How do you go through so much shit together and end up like they did? With Callen cheating? With them breaking up?”

“It’s not going to happen to us, Tria, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No.” He looks up at me and smiles. “I’m not worried about that. I know we’re good together. Right?”

“Definitely,” I assert.

“Definitely.” Leaning down, he kisses me sweetly. “If you’ve changed your mind–”

“I haven’t. Have you?”

There’s no verbal response, just a hint of a smile as he searches my eyes and moves in to kiss me again. His hand caresses my face and pushes my hair behind my ear. The insides of my body feel singed with heat. “Can I get you anything? Or do anything for you?”

“I’m good,” I tell him.

“A massage?”

I consider his offer, then nod my head. “Ummm… I’ll go put on something more comfortable.”

“I’ll do the same.”

I dig deep into the drawer and find the deep purple lingerie I’d been saving all week. It’s my favorite ensemble that I brought with me; the dark fabric is dramatically lined with delicate white lace and has sweet, braided straps that hang loosely from my shoulders. It’s definitely the least-fussiest thing I have to wear… the easiest thing to put on and take off.

This is really going to happen.

I take a deep breath, thinking back to earlier today. I don’t allow myself to think of the pain. Every woman who’s been through this has experienced the pain and lived to tell about it. It’s just a tiny bump in the road. We’re going to listen to my music, and tell each other how we feel about one another, and make each other feel… extraordinary. I’ll be focused on romance and love and I’ll be caught up in the moment, like it’s supposed to be. It’s going to be the best night of our lives.

“The best night of your life,” I whisper to myself in the mirror.

Trey’s got the bed unmade and is kneeling on his side of it with a bottle of something in his hand.

“What’s that?”

“Massage oil. I got it at the spa when I was out.”

“Really? That’s so sweet… that you were thinking of me.”

“Of course, I was. You look gorgeous, Zai.”

“Thank you.”

He motions for me to join him, so I do. He sets the oil aside and puts his arms around me. Our kisses are tentative at first, and I feel my nerves getting the best of me already. His hands slip beneath my chemise and run up and down my back.

I don’t know what to do with my own hands. I feel like I’ve never made out with my own boyfriend before.

“You okay?” he asks when he takes a breath.

“Mm-hmm,” I say, pressing my lips to his, trying to concentrate more on getting in the mood. “I’m going to take your shirt off.”

“I’ve got it.” His white t-shirt is on the floor in two seconds and his chest is warm to the touch. I outline his muscles with my fingers, wondering if it feels good to him at all. “Can I take off your, uh… your slip?”

“Um… sure!”

“I don’t want to get oil on it. It looks really nice.”

“Oh, thanks. Right, yes. Thank you.”

He looks me in the eyes as his hands reach for the lacy hem at the bottom, and he continues to watch my expression while he undresses me. I fight every urge to cross my arms in front of my breasts. I don’t know why I feel so awkward with him all of a sudden. He kisses my neck and my left shoulder, and then asks me to lie down on my stomach for the massage.

Now I can relax.

“Oh, can you find my phone?” I ask him, settling my head into the pillow. “I made a playlist for us.”

“Sure, yeah,” he says, reaching toward the nightstand. “The ‘Tonight’ list?” he asks.

“That’s the one!”

“On shuffle?”

“No, in order. They build up…”

“Seriously?” he asks.

“That surprises you? We plan, Tria,” I tease him.

“You’re right. So, by what song should we be actively… making love?” he asks, and by the end of his question, he’s lying on top of me and he’s whispering in my year. I get chills.

“There’s a window of many songs, don’t worry.”

“You’ll let me know?”

“I’ve allowed for lots of foreplay, but you’ll know.”

He kneels up, straddling my body, and I feel the cool oil on my back. “What if we get caught up in the moment before it’s time?”

“That’s allowed,” I tell him.

“You know I don’t like breaking rules, so I need to make sure I know what I’m dealing with.” His hands push into the muscles in my back.

“As long as we’re on the same page, you won’t be breaking any rules. We move on together… whenever the moment strikes us.”

“Beautiful,” he says.

“Cool,” I respond.

“No, I mean, you are beautiful.”

“Oh… thank you… again.”

“How does this feel?” he asks. “Too much pressure? Not enough?”

“Harder.”

“Harder, she says. I like that,” he teases.

“Shut up.” I elbow him in the knee.

“I have an idea. When you feel relaxed, I want you to roll over… okay?”

“And then we try?”

“No,” he says. “Not immediately. Then we just fool around some more. I want you to be begging me for it… that’s how ready I want you to be.”

“Begging you?”

“Mm-hmm. Begging.”

“Trey Holland, I don’t beg.”

“Yet. You don’t beg yet. But you will.”

“Where did all this cockiness come from?”

“You’re confusing my hopefulness for cockiness. But… I heard having a little, uh… swagger… might be beneficial. That it might turn you on or something.”

“Did you talk to Callen about us?!”

“What? No!” he says. I crane my neck to study his face, which blossoms in red splotches. He’s lying to me.

“You did! How could you talk to him, of all people?”

“Zai, come on… I needed some advice. Who else was I going to go to? He’s got the most experience of any of my friends, and I just want it to be good for us tonight. That’s all. Please don’t be upset.”

“All this time, you’ve managed to keep our relationship between us, and now, the day I can’t stand him the most, you go to him for advice.”

“It’s unfortunate timing, I know. I’m still pissed at him, if that helps. His tips don’t change that. And, I mean, you and Max have been talking about this all week. They know we’ve been planning this, and I’m pretty sure I have you to thank for that.”

He’s right on that point. I did involve Max, and I did tell him. And Brin. “My excitement got the best of me,” I explain. “And my nerves.”

“It’s fine, Zai. At least no one can tease us about it anymore, right?” He starts rubbing the oil into my lower back again.

“Right,” I tell him, finally relaxing back into the soft pillow. “I guess we’re even, then.”

“Even how?”

“I saw Callen’s… penis… today.” I couldn’t not tell him.

He stills, his hands flat against my back. “I’m going to need more details here.”

“When he came back to his room, he was only wearing a towel, and I apparently scared him so much he dropped it. I only looked for a few seconds.”

“A few seconds? I don’t even think you’ve given mine that much attention.” He starts moving his hands again, and the tone of his voice assures me he’s not being serious. “What’d you think?”

“Have you seen his?”

“I retract my question. I don’t want to talk about Callen’s dick. I’m trying to have a romantic night with my girlfriend.” I start laughing beneath him.

“Yours is much bigger.”

“They tend to get bigger when they’re attracted to people, you know?” he jokes with me. “I don’t think you do a whole lot for him. Plus, he’d just gotten laid, so…”

“We’re still talking about it.”

“You started it.”

“Is yours getting bigger?”

“I’m straddling your ass, Zai, and you’re almost entirely naked. What do you think?”

“Prove it.”

“Huh,” he says, almost sounding perplexed. “A challenge.” He repositions his hands on the pillow, one on each side of my head, and glides against my panties slowly, allowing me to feel the length of him. Of course, I can’t tell the length from where he is, but I can feel that he’s very hard.

I swallow. He could probably hear me do it. “That was, um… that was sexy.” He does it again. “Oh, wow.”

“Have you ever, you know… thought about doing it like this?” he asks, his voice gravelly. He kisses my upper back a few times as he waits for an answer.

I have trouble breathing. “Um… not really. I don’t think I want to try that tonight.”

“Zai, no.” He pushes himself off of me. “Just relax. I don’t mean anal, and I swear I won’t take you from behind tonight. It’s our first time. Let’s stick to Sex Positions 101 for tonight… but we can, you know… talk about things. Fantasies… right? Just to get in the mood?”

“That’s a fantasy for you?” I ask him.

“I want to try everything with you,” he tells me.

“What if I don’t want to do something like that?”

“Everything you want to try,” he clarifies. “You know what I mean.”

“Okay,” I say, relieved.

“May I continue?”

“Sure.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“You don’t ever want to do it like this?” he asks me, gliding against me again.

I let out an excited breath. It’s such a turn on. He does it again, and elicits the same response from me. I grasp the fitted sheet in my hands.

“I think about it,” he admits.

“It’s… disrespectful, don’t you think?”

“I swear to you, Zaina, I would never disrespect you in bed. Also, you seem to be getting turned on by it right now,” he states.

“This is just foreplay,” I counter. “I’m ready to turn over now.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” He pushes against the bed, showing his strong muscles as he hovers over me and allows me to roll over beneath him. “I mean…” I swallow again, hoping he’s not disappointed that doggie style isn’t on my sexual bucket list. “This view is better, right?” I spread my hair out strategically around my shoulders.

“I wasn’t finished with the massage. Ummm. It’s supposed to be full body, so…”

His eyes ask permission. I nod, allowing him to continue. He kneels up again, and I gasp as he settles against me because he does it with purpose. I can tell by the smile on his face.

After he warms the oil in his hands, he places them just below my collarbone and rubs his fingertips into the muscles there. I close my eyes, enjoying the decadent indulgence, especially when his palms move lower. He surprises me when he places his lips around one of my nipples, and by now, my hands have found a useful task in playing with his thick, strawberry blonde hair and holding his head close to me. He shifts on the bed and slides his hand down my slick torso and beneath my panties.

“Oh!” I half-shout at the contact. “More,” I breathe, and he continues.

“Zai?” he says, struggling against my hands, trying to speak to me when I just want him to keep kissing and sucking. “Can I try, you know… with my fingers again?”

“Please. Just… more.”

His lips back where I want them, I melt into the bed and feel overwhelmed with desire. In between my legs, I feel radiating heat and pulsating pleasure. “Oh, Trey, yes! Right there, please. Oh, please. Don’t stop what you’re doing. More. Just like that! Please! Please! Oh, God! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh! Oh! God! Yesyesyesyesyes! Ahhhhhh! Oh! Yes! Oh, what are you…” I look down… to see him also looking down. “Are you…”

“Was that good?” he asks, panting.

“Incredible,” I breathe, and I feel his finger exit my body. “Oh, weird. You were in. You were in?”

“All the way,” he says, smiling.

“I want more,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes and then nodding with certainty. I find a condom next to me and hand it to him. While he strips, I do the same while I still try to catch my breath.

“Okay. You’re sure?”

“Please, I want you, Trey. Now.”

“Are you begging?”

“Damn it, Tria.” I practically claw at his back to pull him on top of me. “I’m begging you. Kiss me.”

His lips are on mine before I can finish the request. He touches the sensitive skin between my legs gently, and then positions himself over me. Everything stops for a few seconds, and he takes three deep breaths before easing himself into me.

“Owwwww!” I shout.

“I’ll stop. I’ll stop.” And he does; he halts any forward movement, but he doesn’t pull out.

My eyes water, the pain surprising me. Trey kisses me softly and begins humming the song that’s playing on my phone. We’d danced to it at our prom. He’s not a great singer, but hearing his voice crack at the same places they did back on the dance floor in May takes me back to that night, and I remember how in love I felt with him in that moment.

“Okay,” I whisper. Our kisses pick up in intensity. His hand caresses the side of my breast, still slick with oil, and it turns me on in the same way it did before. Slowly, he pushes further. This time, I’m humming the song while his lips mark their territory on my cheek and chin and neck.

“We’re good,” he says.

“That’s it?” I ask.

“Well, I’d like to add some motion to it, but I’m in and… shit, Zai, you feel amazing. Are you okay?”

“It’s not an orgasm, if that’s what you’re asking,” I answer honestly.

“Maybe you’ll have another one… maybe when I do.”

“Maybe…”

“If it hurts too bad, just let me know. Okay?”

“Okay,” I agree.

“I swear, it’s not going to take me long. This is so erotic.” He pulls back, then moves back in. I cringe in pain, but his eyes are closed–in sheer ecstasy, I presume–so he can’t see me. I breathe through it, and hope he’s as quick as he said he’d be. My fingernails dig into his back, maybe a deliberate way to deliver a little pain back to him.

“This feels so good, Zai.”

“Okay,” I say, assuming all that he’s feeling is whatever’s going on down there right now.

“Oh, God.” He picks up speed, but is still careful and cautious about his movements. I can tell he’s being mindful of my own wellbeing.

“I love you,” I tell him, genuinely feeling it.

“Oh, God, I love you,” he says, pushing harder.

“Ow,” I say.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I say, just trying to deal with it.

“I’m close.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, God. Oh, Zai. Ohhh… Oh… Oh… Yes… Oh, yes… Oh! Oh!”

“Are you about to?”

“Oh, God, yes! Oh!”

“Get out,” I say, pushing him gently. “Go on.”

“What?” he asks, and I feel him slip out. “Oh, God. Oh… what happened?”

“Finish,” I encourage him.

“What?”

“Just… you know… keep going!”

Confused, he looks at me briefly, but moves his hands beneath the covers and brings himself to orgasm quickly. Obviously, he was very close. When he’s finished, he lays his head on my breast for a few minutes to catch his breath. I run my fingers through his hair, but can’t help wonder when he’s going to go clean up.

“Did it just hurt too much?” he finally asks.

“I was okay,” I tell him. “It wasn’t that bad. I swear. You should probably go clean up… you know?”

“I just need to lie here a minute.”

“You don’t want it to, like, leak.”

He sighs, then pushes himself off the bed and heads to the bathroom. I straighten up the sheets, now soaked with oil, and flip over the pillows while he’s gone. Before he returns, I slip back into my panties and into one of his t-shirts, then slide under the comforter.

He’s wearing his underwear and a smile when he comes out. He’s surprised to see me dressed when he climbs back into bed. “Oh,” he says.

“Is this okay? I didn’t want to get oil on my lingerie.”

“It’s fine.” He kisses me once. “You need to be honest with me, Zai. It was obviously too painful–”

“It wasn’t! I promise.”

“Well… why did you stop me like that?”

“I just didn’t want you to do that… to come like that.”

“Like… inside you?” he asks.

“Right.”

“Okay, but you know I was wearing a condom, right?”

“Well, just to have a secondary form of protection, I thought it would be best if you pulled out,” I tell him, turning off the music on my phone and switching on the TV with the remote.

“A tertiary form. The secondary form is the pill you take daily. Remember?”

“No, I know. I’d rather be extra-precautious, wouldn’t you? We’re planners, right?”

I can feel him staring at me, but I don’t look at him. “Sure,” he murmurs before turning on his side, away from me. “Really, it was quaternary.”

“What?” I ask.

“Pulling out was quaternary. The condoms had spermicide.”

“Are you really sulking right now, after you just had sex with me for the first time?” I ask him, incredulous.

“No, Zai, I’m not. I’m just exhausted. We learned about this in health class. Prolactin, remember? I need a little time to recover.”

“So, you’re going to sleep?”

“I just don’t feel like watching TV.”

“What do you want to do?” I ask him.

“Any chance we’re going to try again tonight?”

“I mean,” I tell him, “it did hurt some.”

“So, you need some recovery time, too?”

“Yeah, a little bit.”

“Okay… then I think I’d like to sleep, Zai. But if you change your mind, wake me up.”

“Okay.”

Trey pushes off the bed and turns around to face me. “Hey,” he says, smiling.

“Yeah?”

He reaches for my face and touches my cheek. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I say to him as we meet for a kiss. “Sleep well.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”