CHAPTER 9
“YOU’RE LOOKING GOOD.”
Lily looked up. Keith stood a few feet away. He’d helped her cook dinner—stir fry—charming the guests in his easy way, snubbing her idea of regular chocolate chip cookies for dessert, instead brandishing what he’d brought them…black forest mousse.
Everyone had dived right on that, and he’d sent Lily a knowing smile. He loved making his people happy, and he did consider the group his.
Including, she had the feeling, herself. He made sure to touch her, a lot. He followed her to the water when she went to clean the dishes, then took over the task himself, squatting his leanly muscled frame down, scrubbing a pan with ease.
Watching him, it all came back to her. Being eighteen and inexperienced, knowing only that she’d never been given a chance to please her father, and wanting desperately to please her first employer.
Keith had loved that need in her.
She’d come here lost, looking for herself, wondering if she could go back to that woman she’d been, and possibly pick up where they’d left off.
But she was coming to realize how much she’d changed. She was no longer a young, needy girl but her own woman, a woman who rarely, if ever, let anyone else run her world.
She knew now that it couldn’t work between her and Keith. What she felt for him was firmly rooted in her past, and as much as she’d thought she’d wanted to, she couldn’t go back.
From where he hunkered at the water’s edge, he smiled up at her, that same smile that had once been her entire world. “Your back okay? You need me to stick around?”
“No. I’m…fine.”
His smile remained but she felt his disappointment. He finished the pan and stood close. His sun-kissed hair was slightly disheveled, which only added to the fact that he was gorgeous. Once upon a time she’d spent hours just looking at him. Days.
Months.
“Seriously,” he said softly. “You’re looking good.”
She knew damn well her hair was a wreck, her jeans were dirty, and that, overall, especially when compared to him, she looked like something the cat had dragged in.
She also knew he genuinely didn’t care about any of that. “Thanks.” She took the pans from him. Unlike at last night’s camp, she was in plain sight of the tents and campfire, where the rest of the campers lounged and relaxed. Or where Rose was lounging and relaxing. Rock was doing pull-ups on a tree branch and trying not to take peeks at Rose. Michelle was giving herself a pedicure, sitting on her yellow rain jacket to keep herself off the ground and presumably spider-free. Jack and Jared had gone into the woods to get some fuel for the fire.
Jared. He hadn’t said one word about Keith appearing with the supplies. She wondered if he thought she’d invited him here.
Not that it mattered what he thought.
“Being out here really agrees with you,” Keith said, bringing her attention back to him as he moved close. Smiling into her face, he ran a finger over her cheekbone. “Getting some color back on you.”
Used to be, his touch had melted her. Now she just wanted him to go because she hated the confusing mix of past and present. “Can I ask you something, Keith?”
“Sure.”
“Do you ever think about us?”
“A lot, since you called.” He took the pans back from her. “I was thinking you had some ideas about starting up with me again.”
“I did,” she admitted softly. “But now I’m thinking that was stupid.”
“Still say whatever comes into your head, I see.” He didn’t seem insulted, but amused. “I thought maybe you’d outgrow that.”
“Apparently not.”
“Actually, it’s refreshing. There’s no subterfuge with you, Lil. No guessing. It’s all out there in the open for anyone to see.” He laughed softly. “I wasn’t mature enough to appreciate that the first time around. I hope to rectify that.”
She looked into his eyes. Back then, she’d loved looking into his dark, unwavering eyes, loved guessing at his thoughts. She’d always had to guess, since he hadn’t ever been good at revealing himself. “How?”
He answered with a smile and a wicked gleam.
“Do you really think it’s a good idea for me to jump back into your bed?”
“Or yours. I’m not picky.”
She laughed at his audacity and smooth confidence, then her smile faded. “Keith…”
His smile faded, too. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”
She took his hand. “I took the job because I was lonely and hurting and afraid I’d lost myself.”
“You don’t look lost to me.”
“That’s because being here reminds me of the woman I was back then—strong, confident, ready to take on the world.”
“You were—are, an amazing woman.”
“Keith…”
He took in her expression. “Ah, hell. I hate the truth.”
“I’m not that same woman. And maybe the sooner I face that, the better.”
“Maybe that’s true. Maybe you’re not that woman anymore, maybe you’re better.”
She let out a low laugh. “Better? Uh, no.”
His gaze went on a slow tour of her, from head to toe, and back again, stopping at each spot in between. “You’re looking just as fine as always.” He looked her in the eyes, then leaned in and kissed her cheek. “And I hope you end up seeing that.” With a sigh, he tipped his head back to the gorgeous night sky, lit up with the glow of a million stars. “It never gets old, that view, does it?”
“No.” On this one thing at least, they were in complete agreement. “It doesn’t.”
“We were here once together, near this exact spot actually, beneath a night just like this.” He flashed a grin. “Remember?”
Her second expedition, as a matter of fact. He’d set her up in a tent that they’d never used. Instead they’d spread out a blanket and lain beneath a sky just like this one. He’d pointed out all the constellations, telling her stories about each one, and her eighteen-year-old heart had sighed.
She’d fallen hard. “I remember.”
“We were good together, Lily.”
“Were.”
“Ah.” He nodded. “It’s someone else you’re thinking of now.”
Jared. God, it was true. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Lil.” His gaze went to a spot over her shoulder, and then, reaching out, he put a finger over her mouth, ran it over her lower lip in a caress. “One more then, for old time’s sake.” He kept his eyes locked on to hers as he slowly leaned in and kissed her.
Her first thought—he felt warm and comfortable, nothing more. Her second, and far more unsettling thought—that she could think at all meant she wasn’t feeling anything close to what she’d felt when Jared had kissed her. It was shockingly simple. For Keith, she felt a mix of affection and youth, all of it firmly past tense.
In the present, right here, right now, she felt…nothing, and she pulled back. “Keith, I—”
His gaze was drifting over her shoulder, and she found that just odd enough to turn and see what it was that he kept looking at.
Jared had come back into camp. He dropped a load of wood, brushed off his hands and his shirt, but even with the fifty yards separating them, and the dark night, Lily could feel his shock.
“You did that on purpose,” she said to Keith.
His gaze cut to hers. “I’m thinking, someday, you’ll thank me.”
Lily whipped her gaze back to Jared. He looked at her, then turned away and went back into the woods.
* * *
UP UNTIL THAT moment when Jared had seen Keith kissing Lily, he’d found the act of dragging fallen logs and branches through the woods incredibly cathartic. Better than sitting on a bike in a gym. Much better than running laps at the high-school track.
Maybe not quite as good as a marathon bout of up-against-the-wall sex, but then again, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d had that, so he might be remembering it better than it really was.
But he doubted it.
And then he’d gotten that one-two sucker punch to the gut at the sight of Keith with his mouth on Lily.
Damn, that had hurt.
He dumped a whole armful of logs near the fire, and Jack, sitting on top of one of his own previous hauls, held up a hand. “Whoa. We’ve got more than enough.”
“Yeah.” Jared kicked a particularly large log, and felt the pain sing up from his toe to his shin. “Shit.”
“Yeah, the trick is not to let them get to you, dude.”
“The wood?”
“Women.”
Jared slouched against a tree. “How did you know?”
“It’s all over your face.” Jack twisted to where he could see Lily still talking to Keith. “Can’t blame you either. She’s hot.”
At Jared’s long look, Jack lifted his hands. “Hey, just because I’m hitched, doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good look now and then. But listen, when it comes to women, you’ve got to take a big mental step back or they’ll get you in the heart every single time.”
“Yeah? How do you take a step back?”
“You keep yourself just a little removed, you know? I mean, sleep with ’em. Marry ’em if you have to. Just don’t hand over your heart on a silver platter.”
“So you never gave Michelle your heart?”
“Hell, no. She’d have killed me a long time ago.”
Jared watched Lily say something to Keith that made his smile fade.
Good.
Then Keith shook his head, said something else, and Lily touched his cheek and walked away.
Jared liked the look of that even better.
Keith walked away, too, and the knot in Jared’s insides loosened slightly so that he could let out a deep breath. He hadn’t felt so tense since…since he’d been sitting in the hospital staring in shock at the doctor whose mouth was forming the word cancer.
Crazy. Crazy that he felt so strong so soon.
Lily, at her tent, turned, and unerringly, across all the yards that separated them, found and locked her gaze on Jared’s.
Neither of them moved for a long beat, and then finally she crawled into her tent, which she firmly zipped closed.
Jack let out a breath. “Some tension there, huh?”
“Yeah.”
Lily’s tent shook a little as she moved around in there. Jared pictured her stripping down for bed—an image not helped by the fact he’d had his hands on her now, and wanted them on her again. “You know,” he said to Jack. “I think there might be something to opening up and letting a woman in. Really in.”
“Sure,” Jack explained. “It’s called certain death.”
“Not every time.”
“Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the time, then.”
Jared shook his head, still looking at Lily’s tent. It’d gone still. What was she doing now? “Might be worth the risk.” He had to think it was. He hadn’t been to hell and back to live life the way he’d used to. There had to be more than that, he believed it with every single ounce of heart and soul he had. “Because when you get it right, there’s nothing like it.”
“Yeah?” Jack looked at him curiously. “And has it ever been right for you?”
“Not yet.”
“I rest my case.”
“I’m not giving up.”
Jack shook his head. “You’re in for a world of pain, dude. Seriously.”
“It’s worth the risk.”
“How do you know?”
“Because without it, why bother at all?”
Jack cocked his head to the side as he absorbed that, looking thoughtful now, instead of all-knowing. “To avoid the pain?”
“But one of these days, when it’s right, there won’t be pain. And then you’ll have it all.” Jared shrugged. “I just think it’s worth the try, that’s all.”
“Huh.” Jack looked at the tent he shared with Michelle. “Yeah, maybe.” Standing, he brushed off his hands. “See you in the morning.”
Jared watched him vanish into his tent and wished he had the right to be heading toward Lily’s with that same intent and purpose. Instead he headed toward his own. Always, he’d been fine with only himself for company, but now, tonight, as he looked at his empty sleeping bag, he felt lonely.
The hell with this. The hell with not having the right, or being polite and letting her mull things over. The hell with being lonely.
The hell with all of it, and he stepped back out of his tent. The campfire was out, everyone was inside their tents. In the dark night, he headed directly for Lily’s. Lightly, he tapped on the canvas door. “Lily?”
No answer.
Hunkering down, he tugged open the zipper enough to stick his head in. “Lily, I—”
But the words caught in his throat, because the tent was empty. He checked the water’s edge, checked the entire clearing and a little bit into the woods.
Nothing.
Then he looked across the lake and saw a movement. She was sitting on the edge of the water, hugging her knees, staring up at the sky.
It took him a while to figure out how to get to her, but he found the trail that led around and came up behind her.
But before he could speak, she stood up and faced him. “Look, here’s the thing. I…don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Lily.”
“I’m serious. I don’t.”
“You seem like you know. You’re an incredible guide, Lily.”
“I meant with you. I…don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to you.”
“Well, that’s okay. We can wing it.”
“I came here to find myself. Pre-mistake Lily. Pre-weak Lily. But the thing is, I’m beginning to see I’m never going to live up to that person. I’m not the same anymore. I’m not strong, and there’s so much I can’t do.”
“You’re being a little harsh on yourself.”
“Just being real.”
“So…what, you think that’s going to scare me off? Knowing you have doubts and fears like the rest of us humans? I know who you are, Lily, and who you aren’t. Now give yourself a moment, you just had an epiphany.”
“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I don’t need—”
“I know.” But he pulled her close anyway, and to his surprise, she wrapped her arms around him.
“You see me,” she whispered. “You, Jared, the city guy, the business guy, the sophisticated, elegant digital wizard…who’d have thought you could see me?”
He smiled against her hair and held on. Once all of those things, and maybe a small part of him still was.
“But you’re also more,” she whispered, and if she hadn’t worked her way into his heart yet, she did in that very second for understanding him. “So much more, Jared.”
He let his mouth brush her temple, then lower, just beneath her ear, and in response, she let out a long shuddery sigh that went through him like an erotic touch. “You’re so much more, too, Lily.”
She paused at that, as if unfamiliar with the concept. Gliding his hands into her hair, he tugged her head back so that he could get a good look at her mouth, which he wanted on his. “And here’s another thought.”
“You’re going to kiss me?”
“Oh, yeah, but first I want you to know something.”
Her eyes went wary. “What?”
He put his finger to her silky soft lips. “I think you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.”
Her soft exhale warmed his finger, and when she finally smiled, it also warmed his heart. “You’re also a little bit stubborn,” he added, “in case no one’s ever mentioned.”
“Uh-huh.” Her smile hit her eyes. “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“How about that you’re sexy as hell?”
She stared at him for a long moment. “I need a moment away from here, where I’m not in charge, where I don’t have to think. Do you think you can manage any of that?”
She trusted him to take over, to lead, even if only for a little while. “I’m certain I can.”