Chapter Twenty-Seven
Kane
“I’m nervous.” I glanced at Helene beside me in her car as she drove me toward certain death at the hands of Hilde. The only good thing I could say was that Helene and Hilde’s parents had apparently moved away to Chicago a few years before when their father’s job was transferred, so at least Hilde was the only family member I had to contend with.
Helene smiled as though this weren’t the end of the world. “It’s going to be fine. I promise.”
“Sure it is¸” I muttered.
Within moments we were pulling up in front of Mark and Hilde’s house. It was a large two story colonial type house with a deep perfectly manicured front lawn. The house was white with black shutters, and it was just … Hilde. Perfection written all over it.
Until we entered.
I cocked my head to the side as I stared at what looked like an upside down penis drawn on the wall by the stairs—or perhaps it was just a flaccid cock.
I pointed at the drawing as we walked past it. “That’s—” I stopped still, and Helene stopped too.
“A flower,” Helene finished. She nodded, but her lips were pursed. “See…” She pointed to it. “This is the flower pot…” Cockhead. “These are the stems of two flowers going up…” Shaft of the cock. “And these are the flowers…” Testicles.
“Is that what you see?” I asked.
She nodded. “Mm-hmm. Yep.” But she was full of shit. “Sienna is quite the artist and maven of mayhem.”
I glanced around seeing more evidence of the mayhem every direction I turned. “Is that a banana peel sticking out of the DVD player?”
Helene glanced in the direction of the T.V. “Oh, well, yes, it apparently is.” She didn’t sound surprised.
I just nodded as I followed her through the house.
When we entered the kitchen, I clasped Helene’s hand, and she squeezed mine in return. Hilde was at the stove, and there was a little boy sitting at the table, drawing on a large notepad. Hilde glanced at us as her hand stirred something in a pot. She smiled at Helene, and when her attention shifted to me, her smile froze as though she were forcing it to stay put.
“Hilde,” I said. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. Nice to see you with your clothes on.”
I stared at her for a moment, not sure how to respond to that one.
“Yes, Hilde. It’s great that we’re all wearing our clothes today,” Helene stepped in. “Brode-man, come give me a hug and meet a friend of mine.”
The little boy smiled at Helene and ran to her, clutching at her hip. When Helene crouched down to his level, a shiver ran up my spine. She didn’t once let go of my hand, and there was something odd and wonderful about being touched by her at the same time as I watched her wrap her free arm around her nephew.
“Brody, this is my friend Kane. Can you say hello to him?”
The little boy looked up at me, and he held his hand out for me to shake like a perfect little miniature gentleman. I crouched, finally releasing Helene’s hand. I took Brody’s, giving it a good yet gentle shake.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Brody.”
“You too.” He smiled shyly, rocking on the outside of his loafers.
I glanced to Helene just to see her already watching me. She was smiling, and she reached out, running her palm down the back of my arm and squeezing gently.
We stood as Brody scurried back to his seat at the table and picked up his ridiculously fat crayons and started coloring again.
“Where’s Sienna?” Helene slipped her hand around my waist as she spoke to Hilde.
Hilde glanced at us, her eyes catching on the closeness of our bodies. She glanced to my eyes and then dismissively back to what she was stirring. “She just went down for a nap. She’s coming down with a cold, and she’s not feeling very well.” She glanced back to us again. “Mark’s outside, Kane. He’s looking forward to talking barbeque with you.” Hilde rolled her eyes.
I kissed Helene on the temple and left the safety of her side. The slider from the eat-in kitchen opened out onto a patio that extended to the detached garage. Mark and his smoker were set up by the side of the garage. Mark was wearing a ridiculous apron that no man with testicles should ever be caught dead in. But then, Mark had always been a bit of a dweeb. Hilde too for that matter. And Helene also if I were being honest.
“Hey, Kane,” Mark said with a broad smile on his face the moment I stepped out to the patio. “Glad to see you.” He waved with his tongs.
“Good to see you too.” I walked over.
Mark pulled his right hand from his equally emasculating oven mitt and held his hand out. I shook his hand and then stuffed mine in my pockets. It was cool out, and it was overcast. If it didn’t rain before the end of the day, I’d be surprised.
“There’s beer in the garage fridge if you want one.”
“No, I’m fine. Thanks anyway.”
We were silent for a moment as Mark studied his ribs, turned them over, brushed something on them, and grabbed the large serving platter sitting on the nearby table. “The key to smoking a good rib is using a mop sauce rather than barbeque sauce. And applying it every forty-five minutes, of course.” He smiled at me.
“Of course.” I took the platter from him, and he stacked one rack after another onto the plate.
“Naturally, that meant I couldn’t go to church this morning.” He winked at me. “Ignore the passive aggressive Hilde comments on that subject.”
And now I liked the man.
I laughed as he closed the smoker and took the platter back from me. I pulled the slider open for Mark, and he stepped in before me. Hilde and Helene were setting the table, talking about some random thing to do with Kindergarten education. Brody was sitting at the table already, and when the table was set, Helene sat down next to the little boy, and I took the spot across from her. Hilde and Mark sat at the ends of the table, and the booster seat next to me remained empty of the little maven of mayhem.
I watched Helene tear off a rib from her rack, and she held it up to Brody who clinked it with his own. He instantly giggled, and she nudged him in the side.
“Do you want children, Kane?” Hilde asked before I’d even touched my food. I glanced at her, startled for a second.
“Good heavens, wife. Don’t you know how to ease into anything?” Mark asked her as he rolled his eyes.
She smirked, but then she looked directly at me, waiting for an answer I wasn’t sure how to give her.
“I… I guess I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it that much.”
Helene watched me for a moment, but she glanced down at her plate, saying nothing. I watched her eat her ribs, ignoring the way Hilde studied me suspiciously and Mark berated her with his eyes.
Helene ended up with barbeque sauce in the corner of her mouth, and I watched her try to lick it away. It didn’t work, and she ended up pushing it just a bit farther from her lips. I stared, refusing to tell her and enjoying the sight of my ridiculous little nerd immensely.
Until Hilde got her second wind.
“So what have you been doing all these years, Kane?”
I looked at Helene for a moment, and then I turned my attention to Hilde. “I’ve just been moving around here and there. Worked on some construction crews. South during the winter where it was easier to find work, and then up north again during the summer where working outside was more tolerable. Just … around.” I glanced away.
“Helene said you’re doing work on your dad’s house. I wasn’t aware you were so skilled, but she says it looks amazing.”
And that was a classic underhanded Hilde compliment. I had no idea if I should thank her for saying my work was amazing or be offended she assumed I was unskilled. Instead, I ignored the comment altogether. “I started out framing and roofing years ago, but since then, I’ve spent a lot of time doing finish work too. I like the detail of finish work, so renovating my dad’s place is right up my alley.”
“Well, perhaps when you’re finished on your dad’s place, we can hire you to do some work around here.” Mark smiled kindly at me. “As you may have noticed, our youngest tends to be…”
“Artistic—?” I started to offer.
“Destructive,” Mark cut me off, chuckling. “You couldn’t have missed the P-E-N-I-S in the entryway,” Mark continued.
“I was told it was a flower.”
The table laughed at that—even Hilde.
“Dad, I know you’re spelling penis,” Brody commented.
Mark scowled at Hilde. “Why are they teaching our child how to spell penis in kindergarten?”
Hilde shrugged. “He’s an advanced reader.”
Mark looked at me then. “Do you like the barbeque sauce? It’s a family recipe.”
I glanced at Helene who was smiling sweetly at me, still with barbeque sauce in the corner of her mouth. All I could think about was licking it off and just how delicious Mark’s family recipe would taste on my tongue. And when my brain went there, my cock did too, and I ended up with a hard-on.
“Yes, it’s very good.” I commented.
I survived the rest of the meal without any more verbal assaults from Hilde, and when I stood to carry my plate to the sink, Helene followed me. Hilde nudged us both out of the way as she started rinsing dishes.
“Can you show me where the restroom is so I can wash my hands?” I eyed Helene’s lips even as I asked her the question.
“Sure.”
I followed her down a short hallway to a small half bath, and when she held her hand out toward the cramped little room, I grabbed it, pulled her in with me, and closed the door behind us.
“Look at those sweet little lips of yours,” I whispered in her ear as I turned her to face the mirror above the sink. I reached around her shoulder, clutching her lower jaw in my hand. She was far too busy studying my eyes to see the barbeque sauce. But when I stroked my thumb down the side of her jaw, it pulled her attention to the spot. Her eyes bulged as she took in the red sauce stuck in the corner of her mouth, and her cheeks turned pink.
“Lick it,” I whispered in her ear, and then I angled her face toward mine.
Her tongue ran to the corner of her mouth, and I leaned to her lips, holding my eyes open and on hers as I did. I licked the tip of her tongue as she shoved it into that crook of skin, and she hummed. But when she stopped licking, I didn’t. The laving soon turned into a kiss, and when my tongue slipped past her lips, she whimpered.
I turned her to face me, pushing her against the bathroom counter and never breaking from her mouth. My fingers ran through her hair, and my moan was laced with a sigh, breathy and heated. “Fuck, I need you,” I growled against her lips.
She shook her head, but her refusal was barely more than an idea, and clearly not one with much backbone to it. She kissed me harder, and it was a good minute of juvenile groping later before she finally made a real attempt at stopping this, and when she pushed me away with her forehead, I sighed.
I growled with my mouth to her neck. “Being hated by Hilde really makes me want to fuck her little sister in the bathroom of her own home.”
Helene laughed quietly. “Pinnacle of maturity you are.”
I laughed then, finally stepping back from her body. I stroked my bottom lip with my finger. “I have to say, Mark does make exceptional barbeque sauce.”
She ran her thumb over the corner of her mouth as she shook her head. I walked out, and she followed, and within moments, we were back in the kitchen—Hilde none the wiser, which was almost a shame in my opinion.
“Mark went outside,” she said to me. “Storm’s coming in, and he wanted to get the smoker in the garage. He’ll probably move my car out so it can be downpoured on just so he can protect that thing.” She actually smiled as she glanced over her shoulder.
“I’ll go see if he needs help.”
Helene smiled at me as I walked back out the slider to the patio.
The clouds were darker, and thunder was rumbling ominously in the distance. It was colder yet than it had been an hour earlier, and leaves whipped across the ground. It was the first week of October, almost eleven years to the day since I left this town. Hell and I had been in the second month of our senior year of high school, and it was two weeks before homecoming when the world came crashing down around us.
I’d been contemplating asking her to go. Actually, I’d been working up the nerve. I knew I was going to ask, but nothing with Helene was ever as simple as it was with other people. I knew if I asked it would change things for us. And I was terrified of that. In the end, it hadn’t mattered. Homecoming was the stuff normal life was made of—not our lives. Our lives had been ruined by then.
I sighed as I looked up at the sky, and then I ducked into the garage.
“Hey,” I said to Mark.
He peered over his shoulder at me, smiling broadly. “Hi. I was afraid you’d get roped into dishes.”
“I escaped just in time.”
Mark was pushing the smoker back into a corner, and when he turned around he brushed his hands off. “Afraid that’s probably the last time I’ll use the smoker until spring.” He ran his hand over it as though it was a coveted thing.
The man definitely had a hard-on for his smoker.
“Lunch was wonderful. Thanks for including me.”
Mark nodded. “Of course.” He smiled again, but he glanced away and cleared his throat. When he looked back, he seemed uncomfortable. “I’m sorry about Hilde’s … behavior the other day.” Mark studied me for a moment, clearly gauging my reaction. “She told me… It’s just, Hilde’s pretty protective of Helene. And you…” He trailed off, staring at me again. “Well, Helene went through a really tough time when you left. And I think Hilde is just worried about her. I hope you won’t take it personal.”
I contemplated saying nothing, but morbid curiosity got the better of me. “What was she like after I left?”
Mark’s eyebrows shot up, but he was staring at the floor in some long lost memory. “You sure you want to talk about this?” He leaned back against the nearby workbench, crossing his ankles and clearly willing to entertain my curiosity.
I nodded.
He shrugged. “She fell apart. It was … confusing. I mean, of course she missed you. You were her best friend, but… I don’t know… There was more to it than that. At least I’ve always thought so. She quit her job at the gas station—just up and refused to go. Stopped eating, was having nightmares. There were days her parents couldn’t even get her out of bed to go to school. They were calling us at college almost daily, panicking about her. She lost a lot of weight, stopped taking care of herself.” He shook his head, looking at the ground again. “It was bad.”
I tried to swallow, but it stuck in my throat like a wad of dry shame that just wouldn’t go down.
“When Hilde and I came home for Christmas break, I honestly didn’t know if Hilde would come back to school with me. She was devastated when she saw how bad Helene had gotten. I don’t know…” He glanced away. “Her parents dragged her to one shrink after another, put her on antidepressants, begged her to talk, but…” He shrugged again.
I nodded, trying to act normal, but inside my body was groaning, and I felt like I needed to double over in pain. Why the fuck had I asked about this?
Mark looked up at me, and his face fell. “I’m sorry, Kane. You can’t blame yourself. There was more going on than just you leaving. I’m certain of it.”
I took a deep breath. “I left her when she needed me. I wasn’t here for her. And I can absolutely blame myself for that.”
Mark shook his head. “You were just a kid yourself. You can’t make yourself responsible for her. Whatever this thing was with her, you can’t blame yourself for that.”
I scoffed, but there wasn’t an ounce of humor to it. The man had no idea how responsible I was for this. “Yeah.” I wasn’t agreeing with him. I simply wasn’t willing to delve into the inevitable conversation that would ensue if I disagreed. “How long was she like that?”
He smirked. “Should we be having this conversation?”
I crossed my arms, nodding as I looked away.
“Why haven’t you talked to her about this?”
“I guess there are some things I’m not ready to bring up yet. A lot of things actually,” I muttered. A whole fucking lot of things. “I don’t think she would tell me the truth anyway.”
“Wouldn’t you like to get to the point where she can talk to you about this?”
I nodded. “It’s a difficult subject.”
“And yet, you’re both here.” He tossed a tarp over the smoker, and when he turned around, he smiled again. “She came out of it eventually. Can’t say she’s ever been the same Helene I knew before this … spell. She was always a good student, as you well know, but by the time she came out of this … thing her grades had started slipping. She became obsessive about her studies then. Driven to the point of absurdity in my opinion. Of course, her parents and even Hilde saw it as a great sign that she was getting better, but … I don’t know. It seemed to replace everything else—friends, activities, even family. She just wasn’t the same.”
We were silent for a moment.
She was no more the same Helene than I was the same Kane. I missed us. Both of us. But I also loved this Helene as much as the old. I loved seeing how she coped, how she fought her way through it. She likely wouldn’t appreciate that. Her life didn’t feel pretty to her after all, but I was still amazed by it.
It didn’t mean a single second of this conversation wasn’t painful.
“Something more happened, didn’t it?” Mark wasn’t asking the question. He was asking for confirmation of what he already believed, and his face was stone serious as he studied me.
I nodded before I realized my head was moving.
Mark’s lips pursed. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Whatever it was, it clearly affected you too.”
“Daddy,” a little voice came from the open garage door.
I turned to see Brody standing there.
“Will you come read with me?”
Mark walked to the little boy, scooping him up in his arms. “Of course, buddy.” Mark glanced at me over his shoulder, and he smiled.
I followed them back in the house.
“Where’s Helene?” Mark asked Hilde as he set Brody down.
Hilde was still working in the kitchen. “Sienna woke up too early from her nap. Helene went upstairs to try to get her back down.”
Mark took Brody’s hand and led him into the living room. I hung back for a moment, but decided I’d prefer to watch Mark read to his child than try to make small talk with Hilde any day of the week. Brody sat on Mark’s lap, and Mark would read a sentence or two, pointing out words here and there for Brody to sound out. I watched them for a few minutes, waiting for Helene to come downstairs, and when she didn’t, I snuck off to find her, passing the penis drawing on my way upstairs.
I could hear her voice, and I followed it down the hall to a very pink bedroom. I stayed at the door, watching her silently. She was singing quietly to the little girl in her arms. Her hips swayed back and forth, and she stood in front of the window, looking out at the rain that was now coming down.
I could see the little girl’s fingers twisting in Helene’s hair, and I sank against the frame, listening to Helene’s voice. I didn’t know the song, but it sounded like a lullaby, given its mention of conversations with the moon, but I did know Helene’s voice. I’d forgotten how beautiful it was. How had I forgotten that?
There was one particular line in the song that sent a shiver through my body. It was about the light the moon had bestowed on a child illuminating the dark in a room. All I could think about was the yellow flower in the snow, and how much warmth this woman had the power to give me.
I caught myself digging my fingers into the frame of the door as I clung to it, and by the time she finished singing, Sienna’s fingers had stilled in Helene’s hair.
“I love you, peanut,” she whispered.
She carefully laid Sienna in her small bed, and she pulled the blankets over her. When she turned toward me, she started for a second, clutching her hand to her chest, but then she smiled. Her eyes were glossy even though her lips were pulling up—as though the song she’d been singing or the fact she’d been singing it to her niece had affected her emotionally in some way. She walked past me out the door, pulling the door closed behind her.
“Hi,” she said quietly.
“Hi.”
We stared at one another for a moment saying nothing more. All I could see was her wasting away in pain. I never should have asked Mark to talk about that time in Helene’s life. I cleared my throat as I looked away, and when I looked back, her brow was furrowed.
“What was that song you were singing?” I asked her. I wanted to know, but I also just really needed to move on from the thoughts circling in my head.
“The Sweetest Gift. Sade.” Her brow still hadn’t unfurrowed.
“I like it.”
“Are you okay?” She reached for my waist, slipping her hands underneath my shirt as she stepped closer.
I nodded, leaning down and letting my lips touch the top of her head. But it was lie. I wasn’t okay.