Chapter Ten
Helene
When I woke the next morning, the sun was shining into my bedroom, and when I glanced over at my alarm clock, I was met with the sight of Kane instead. He was laying on his stomach, his hands tucked under the pillow his head rested on. He was still sound asleep.
His scruffy facial hair was neither a beard nor a five o’clock shadow. It fell somewhere between, and he looked young when he slept—none of the tension showing. It was funny, because he’d clung onto this cool laid-back persona over the years, and yet, his stress was like this fiber woven through him that held his skin together. I could see it even when he smirked at me, even when his eyebrows shot up in amusement or challenge. It was a part of him now.
I watched him for a while, my body tense as I tried not to move and wake him. I couldn’t look at him like this, so intently and closely, were he awake. Awake he intimidated me in some way, because I didn’t fully understand him anymore, and yet, I knew him. Reconciling those things wasn’t going well for me, and it frightened me, because at any moment I might find out there was nothing left of the boy I knew so many years ago, and I wasn’t sure I could handle that realization.
I inched out of bed carefully, and when I was out of the room, I pulled his clean clothes from the dryer along with a sundress I’d tossed in with them. I hung the sundress on the bathroom doorknob, and I placed Kane’s clothes at the foot of the bed where he still soundly slept. I closed the door to nothing more than a crack, hopped in the shower, and then tossed the sundress over my head quickly before I twisted my damp hair back in a sloppy bun.
The bedroom door was still cracked when I left the bathroom, and when I passed through the living room, my eyes caught on my old photo album. It was open on the coffee table to a page that held a picture of Kane and me from high school. We were working at the gas station, and in the picture we were both behind my counter, leaned over with our elbows on the countertop and our chins held in our hands. We were laughing more than smiling. I couldn’t remember for the life of me who’d actually taken the picture, but I still remembered the day clearly. It was taken not long before our world fell apart.
I sat on the sofa, picking up the album and setting it on my lap, and then I stared. I didn’t bother turning the page, and it was many minutes later before I moved again. Kane walked in the room, fully dressed in his now clean clothes, and he stared at me as I held the album. I stood, setting it quickly on the coffee table, my heart pounding. He looked down at the album, and when he swallowed, it looked difficult.
“I was… I was going to make some coffee…” I stammered as I skirted around the sofa and walked toward the kitchen. “I have vanilla, or… or normal… I mean, regular… Just the…” I said over my shoulder. I couldn’t seem to spit the sentence out.
“Regular is fine,” he said.
I knew he was following me, but the sound of his voice was closer than I’d expected, and I spun to see him just behind me. His face was unreadable, and his eyes searched mine as he looked back at me.
“Okay,” I said quietly, turning back to the counter where the coffee maker was. I opened the cupboard door above the coffee maker, and I reached for a filter.
When his hand gently cupped my elbow, I stopped breathing and I froze. His body closed in behind me, and he placed his other hand on the counter beside me, boxing me in. When his lips touched my ear as he leaned down to the side of my face, I shuddered and a whimpering gasp escaped me.
“Can’t we just forget about the monsters,” he whispered, his lips touching and teasing my earlobe. “All I want is to remember us.”
When the hand he’d placed on the counter beside me slowly ran down my hip and then inched up under the skirt of my sundress, I turned to face him, pushing the skirt down and holding the hem in place. He stared at me, his eyes still flitting back and forth, searching my face for something. My chest was rising and falling, expanding and contracting as I struggled to breathe, and when his eyes slowly shifted down, they settled on a spot just in the middle of my chest.
He reached out, placing his palm flat on my breastbone, and he watched as it lifted and fell with the tempo of my laboring lungs. He looked back up to my eyes, and he stared for a moment. When he pushed his body hard to mine, pressing me into the counter, I gasped. It was a low purring groan I heard as he held his forehead to my temple and breathed against my cheek. I could feel each and every pant of breath as it hit my skin, and it sent a shudder through me.
“Let me make you feel good,” he whispered as his lips brushed my skin.
And then his lips met my cheek. It was a gentle kiss that lingered and sent prickles of warmth coursing through my veins. His mouth moved back toward my ear, and he nipped my earlobe before he kissed me again just below that spot on my neck. I was frozen, completely mesmerized by the sensation of his lips on my skin.
“Oh, God,” I managed to get out on a sigh as I tried desperately to think straight.
His hand found the lower hem of my sundress again, and his fingers toyed with the material for a moment. But then he moaned, and his mouth moved quickly and aggressively along the side of my throat as he nipped and sucked and licked. And that’s when his fingers pushed under the skirt of my dress once more.
I panicked as his hand moved quickly up my thigh, and I rose to the balls of my feet as I grabbed at his wrist. I dug my nails into his skin, and I pushed down even as his hand still tried to move up. His breath left him in a rush that I could feel just under my ear, and he panted quietly as he froze in place.
My focus shifted to the side just to see him staring at me. He was too close to see both of my eyes, but the intensity in which he focused on my visible one was intimidating. The stare went on for too long, and the only sound in the room was our heavy breathing.
“I can’t,” I finally whispered.
His eyelids fluttered and then widened as a breath left him in a huff. It was as though he was coming to consciousness again after blacking out for a moment, and as he did, the tension in his hand that was still high on my thigh lessened, and my downward force finally succeeded in pushing him away.
My lips trembled, and my eyes glossed over and warmed. I could tell the very moment he took in my quivering lips and building tears, because he stumbled back from me, his eyes wide in what looked like panic.
“Oh, fuck,” he gasped out, his voice cracking. He covered his mouth, and he stared at me, and when he finally pulled his hand back, his face was twisted in pain. “Hell, I’m sorry—”
My front door suddenly opened, and Kane’s voice dropped off into silence as I hastily smoothed the skirt of my dress down.
“Auntie Heen-Hee!” squealed Sienna from the front entryway, and then I could hear her little feet padding down the hall to my bedroom.
“Fuck,” Kane muttered as he raked his fingers through his hair, and then he crossed his arms, tucking his hands under them.
He’d always done that when he felt vulnerable—strange the things you never forgot about someone. For instance, I could so clearly remember seeing him standing outside the principal’s office in just that stance—hands tucked protectively under his arms as he was berated by Principal Metcalf. It was a regular occurrence for Kane, but regardless of how cocky he’d been when he was young and the smug look he’d carry on his face, that nonverbal cue was so easy for me to read.
Even now, it was nearly painful to see. His eyes darted around, failing to look at me. I just stared at him, knowing Hilde would be walking in any moment. He was trapped. There was nowhere for him to run, and he seemed to know he was going to have to deal with not only what he’d just done for a little while longer, but with my sister and my niece as well before he could make his escape. He bit his lower lip, and he finally met my eyes. He took a step toward me but froze the second he heard Hilde’s voice.
“Just dropped Brody off at school, and we decided to bring you a danish since you’re busy working on that little ol’ paper of yours. Hope you have coffee on—” Hilde’s voice dropped off abruptly as she rounded the corner into the kitchen where Kane and I were standing awkwardly facing each other.
Her eyes moved back and forth between us, and Kane ignored it for a moment. It looked forced when he finally looked at Hilde. He smiled, but it was tight and uncomfortable.
“Kane,” Hilde said tersely. “How are you?” She was eying the bandage on his cheek suspiciously.
He nodded first before bothering to answer. “I’m fine. I was just leaving.”
“Auntie Heen-Hee!” Sienna came running in. Her face was covered in my cranberry colored lipstick that I’d apparently made the mistake of leaving out.
“Oh, boy,” I said as I leaned down and scooped her up in my arms. She perched on my hip, and Hilde shook her head in exasperation.
“It’s never ending. I’ll go grab a washcloth.” Hilde left the room with a quick glance over her shoulder.
It was suddenly silent, and even Sienna, who normally babbled a mile a minute, was quiet as she poked my cheek over and over again. Kane watched us closely, his eyes studying us so intently as my skin flushed. I still hadn’t managed to say a word to him about what had just happened. Of course, he didn’t seem to have any intention of bringing it up either.
“You look beautiful holding a child,” he said, his lips pulling up even though his face remained confusingly slack. “Hell…” he started to say, but his voice dropped off.
“Bad word,” Sienna instantly chastised, pointing her pudgy finger at him.
He nodded. “Yes,” he said quietly. “I should…” He glanced over his shoulder. “I have to—”
“I can run you home,” I offered.
“No,” he said quickly. “No. I can walk.”
“It’s three miles at least.”
“I can handle three miles,” he said with a subtle smirk, but then his face dropped again, and his eyes did too. “Thanks for last night. I’ll see you tonight at class.”
I nodded, and as Kane sighed, he turned and ran right into Hilde. They sidestepped each other awkwardly before he walked away. I held my breath until I heard the front door close, and when Hilde took Sienna from my arms, I sank back to the counter behind me, exactly where I’d been with Kane’s hand up my skirt less than five minutes before.
“Did he just say he’d see you in class tonight?” Hilde asked as she sat Sienna on the counter next to the sink and started cleaning the lipstick from her cheeks.
“He’s in my philosophy class.”
Hilde studied me for a moment over her shoulder. “Odd you didn’t mention that sooner,” she said sarcastically. “You…” She glanced at Sienna. “…layin’ pipe with that man?” Her face twisted up as she tried to figure out the metaphor she’d just dropped on me.
I shook my head. “Hilde, you can only lay pipe, if you have a pipe.” I enunciated the last word.
“Oh … oh!” She finally got it. She glanced at me again. “So… Is he laying his pipe in your … tunnel?” Her face was still scrunched up.
I sighed. I wanted to laugh, and the humor of Hilde’s pathetic attempt at slang wasn’t lost on me, but I was too close to falling apart to react much.
I shook my head. “No. It’s not like that.”
“Well, good,” she commented. “That guy’s bad news you ask me, and it couldn’t have escaped your attention that he looks like he was in a fight,” she commented distractedly as she pointed to her cheek for a moment before returning her focus to Sienna’s cranberry streaked face.
“Stop,” I said adamantly and bluntly.
“What?” she asked, her forehead wrinkled in confusion.
I stared at her, and she intentionally let her eyes bulge as she waited. I sighed in exasperation. “You’re my older sister, and I adore you. I refuse to think you’re that type of person.”
Her lips pursed. “What type of person is that?”
“Too good to associate with someone like him. You’re not. I love you, but you’re not, nor am I, nor is anyone else.”
Hilde smirked. “I’m the person who witnessed your life fall apart after he up and left when you were in high school. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t think he’s worth my sister’s time. But hey, you always were the one who liked to bring home strays,” she said coolly. She turned back to Sienna.
I sighed, turning to the coffee maker and finally managing to get a filter into the blasted thing. I watched the coffee drip entirely too slowly into the coffee pot. “Yeah,” I mumbled.
* * * *
He didn’t bother sitting in the front row that night. I lectured for an hour and a half straight over Confucius, Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. I finished up the entire overview of The Ancient World without ever once making eye contact with Kane or taking a break.
I could tell the students were getting annoyed with me for not at least giving them a breather, but when I pulled a stack of papers out of my briefcase, people suddenly sat up straighter, assuming it was quiz time. Quiz time, consequently, meant time to go home. But it wasn’t quiz time.
“Take a quick five minute break. In lieu of a quiz, I’m handing out the study guide for next week’s test. We’ll review it quickly, and then you’ll be free to leave for the evening.”
I didn’t bother leaving the room as the students filed past me, and when I caught sight of Kane walking toward me down the center aisle, I intentionally looked down at the study guide in my hands, pretending I was intently reading the document—ridiculous, considering I’d written the damn thing.
I glanced up again, and he was still walking slowly toward me. He was watching me, and as he closed in on my desk, his gate slowed as though he were trying to be casual in his approach.
Suddenly the flirt from the week before popped up from nowhere and latched onto his arm. He instantly tensed as he looked at her. “Umm…” he started to say to her, but then his attention moved back to me. His eyes were wide though, and he looked nervous.
“Yesterday was insane,” she said in an excited rush.
He tried for a smile, but it was painful just seeing the effort, and the pathetic attempt fell from his lips quickly. “Can you excuse—” he started to say.
“Intense. You were kicking that guy’s ass.” She reached for his cheek where the scuff was still covered in a small bandage.
Kane pulled away from her touch. “Don’t,” he said curtly.
The young woman ignored his rebuff. “He was such a jerk. I can’t even believe you’re the one who got arrested.” Her voice was bubbly and obnoxious.
The realization of what I was hearing sunk in, and I could feel my face falling even as I desperately willed my reaction to stay cool and even. “Excuse me,” I muttered as I stood from my desk and walked out of the room.
I needed to be away from him. I needed to be so far away from him that none of this could hurt me. But my mind circled around it like a vulture unable to stop eyeing the carnage. He’d been at the bar with her. Her. And then he’d gotten arrested and called me. Me. Never mind what he’d done in my kitchen that morning less than twenty-hours after being out with another woman who he was without doubt trying to fuck.
How dare he?
I paced in the lounge, back and forth in front of the vending machine, and I gnawed on my thumbnail, chewing it down to nothing. When I finally walked back down the hall toward the classroom, I was fuming with rage.
I entered the room, and I started talking before all the students were even in their seats. My voice was clipped and short, and I forged on into the study guide simply wanting to get through it so I could march my ass out that door and be done with this. By the time I was finished, my voice was hoarse, and I’d not stopped talking once.
“Remember this test will cover the entirety of the Ancient World, and I will give you a hint now, there will be one rather long essay question related specifically to Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Be prepared, because that one question alone will comprise 50 percent of the test points. If you have any questions related to the information on the study guide…” I said even as I snapped my briefcase closed quickly. “…send me an email or give me a call. Otherwise I’ll see you all next week.”
I picked up my briefcase, and I walked from the room.