Chapter 18

BRAN waited for Evan to leave the room before he collapsed onto the sofa, raking his hands down his face. What the fuck had he just done? He had fucked everything up and now he was going to have to deal with the aftermath. He couldn’t decide if the day was one of the worst or the best of his life. He had never been so weak as to give into his emotions like that before. The carefully bolstered wall of detachment Bran had been building his whole life was crumbling around him and he was powerless to pick up the pieces.

Once the events had been set in motion, he had been helpless for any other outcome. When he had seen Evan, how frightened and defenseless he had been, the cobweb-thin veil of control had snapped and he hadn’t been conscious of anything past getting as deeply inside Evan as he could. He hated himself for taking advantage of the kid in such a vulnerable state, but his body had just taken over. Somehow, in his backward brain, fucking him nearly to pieces was about the only way to make sure he was alright, the only way to show him how deeply he wanted to protect him, to keep him from being scared ever again. A large part of it was a desire to show everyone else who Evan belonged to. Evan belonged to him, but he had no right to make that sort of claim on him.

God, the worry and anger that had stirred in him when Colt had run into the room, out of breath from taking the stairs two at a time, had been overwhelming.

“Something’s wrong… Evan…” was all he had time to pant out before Bran had rushed past him and down to the living room. The look in Evan’s eyes had slain him. The caveman in him had burst free. The last coherent thought he had was to get him away from Ryan, to shield and protect him. He wanted to drag him back to his cave and never let anyone else near him again.

It took every ounce of control he had left to limit his actions to pulling Ryan away and not strangling the life out of the blond man. He had hurt his beautiful boy. Evan had been terrified, body trembling, eyes wide like a little animal caught in a trap. Bran had acted on pure instinct then, rage at Ryan, and desire for Evan.

His head was still muddled from the anger and the blissed-out feelings that sex with Evan churned in him. He took a few deep, cleansing breaths before venturing toward the kitchen where he knew the boys would be gathered.

He wasn’t quite sure what to expect when he walked in, but Ryan throwing his arm around his shoulders and congratulating him hadn’t been it.

“I’ve never seen anything so goddamn beautiful in all my life,” Ryan marveled.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he grumbled. He was still pissed off at Ryan for touching what should have been Bran’s all along.

“You and Jacks. Or Evan, should I say. It’s obvious you love the kid.”

Well, so much for anonymity. Between their first time together and the little display they had just put on, everyone in the house was likely to know their real names, and for the life of him, Bran couldn’t find it in himself to care. Somehow the persona, the brand that he had been building with Les for the past decade, didn’t seem all that important any longer.

Nothing seemed to matter much, other than making sure Evan was safe and happy. He knew that likely meant that after the shoot was finished, he wouldn’t be in the picture any longer. This life was soul-breaking and his had been broken for a long time. There was nothing he could give Evan. He had nothing to offer.

He looked up as Colt cleared his throat. “Uh, can you guys give us just a minute?”

He didn’t wait for an answer before he grabbed Bran by the wrist and led him into the dimly lit den.

“Do you?” he demanded.

Bran looked at him, confused. “Do I what?”

“Love Evan,” he said plainly.

Bran took a deep breath in, preparing himself to lie, but when he opened his mouth, all that came out was a feebly whispered “yes.”

“Good. Don’t you dare fuck this up.”

Bran stared at him. Yesterday he was warning him from getting involved with Evan and now he thought they should give it a shot?

“What? Not what you were expectin’ me to say?”

Bran shook his head but kept quiet.

“Look, when we talked yesterday, I suppose I hadn’t seen the whole picture. I saw things from Evan’s side, but today was pretty eye openin’ for me in a lot ’a ways. Don’t get me wrong, you need to talk to one another. You can’t go into this thing eyes closed and hope for the best. It’s gonna get real messy real fast if you do, but you love the boy, and he obviously loves you too. Rest ’a the equation’s pretty simple to figure out.”

Bran felt like he had been hit in the head with the broad side of a barn. There was an uneasiness that stirred in the pit of his belly. He knew he loved Evan. No question about that at all. The question was whether or not to tell him. If he told the kid and Evan felt the same, he might have his chance at happiness with him. Could he be that selfish, though?

Bran cycled through multiple lines of reasoning in his head. Evan had so much of his life still ahead of him, and a relationship with Bran wasn’t going to get him anything but trouble. Life would be difficult enough for him as a gay man. Adding his relationship with a well-known porn star to the equation equaled a great deal of unnecessary stress. And speaking of his job, Bran still hadn’t made any decisions about what his next move was career-wise. If he chose to keep doing porn, Evan would be entrenched in that lifestyle, and Bran couldn’t let him do that. He knew what a life in front of the camera had done to him, and he didn’t want the same for Evan.

He still hadn’t come to any conclusions about what he was going to say to the kid, but he knew they needed to talk. He glanced at the clock and wondered if Evan would be asleep already. Quarter after nine. Shit. With everything that had happened, he had completely forgotten he was supposed to have started filming his scene with Colt fifteen minutes earlier.

“Colt, about tonight… I can’t—”

“Just go. I’ll work it out with Ryan.”

Bran smiled at him, fighting the urge to pull the cowboy into a bear hug.

“Thanks,” he said as he headed toward his room, and to the boy waiting for him in his bed.

Bran ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He suddenly felt like he was going to burst. He wanted Evan more than anything, and as long as he kept his mouth shut about his feelings, no one needed to get hurt.

It was obvious that Evan’s body responded to Bran. Colt thought Evan was in love with him. He didn’t know if the feelings went deeper than lust, and frankly he didn’t much care. Of course it would be nice if there was more to it than a healthy sex drive, but in the long run, it would probably be for the best if he were the only one emotionally involved. He resolved that although he knew he had fallen in love with Evan, that information was better kept to himself. It would be easier to say good-bye if Evan didn’t know quite how deeply Bran cared for him.

Bran wanted a happily ever after but was realistic enough to know that those didn’t come around all that often, and he wasn’t sure he deserved one. He loved Evan. He loved the way his breath hitched and his skin tingled whenever the other man was close. He liked the comfortable warmth that surged through him when they spent time together.

He had never felt that sort of quiet belonging before, but he wasn’t going to give it up easily. Even if it was temporary, he intended to make the most of his time with him.

He cracked the door open to the darkened room. The light from the hallway fell across Evan’s sleeping form. He was huddled up hugging Bran’s pillow to his chest.

Bran sat on the edge of the bed, too tempted to climb in. He knew if he got under the covers with Evan it would be hours before either one of them came up for air. Right now it was more important to talk.

“Hi,” Evan murmured, still soft and warm from sleep. His eyes were hooded and his hair was tousled, sticking up a little on one side. He looked fucking adorable. He hadn’t even opened his mouth yet and Bran was already worked up in knots over the man sitting in front of him.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It was kind of a strange day.”

“Yeah, I feel good. A little sore I guess, and pretty exhausted, but today was good.”

Bran frowned. With the fog of lust clouding his head, he had forgotten everything but the few minutes of sweaty bliss when it had become apparent to him that Evan was everything he wanted. He had forgotten about the brutality with which he had demonstrated those feelings. The memory of the event at the beach was pushed even further from his mind. He felt like the biggest asshole in the world. He was too concerned with his own needs and wants to worry about anything else.

Doubt crept in, teasing at him with long cold fingers. His selfishness was just more proof that although Evan may be the best thing that ever happened to him, the opposite could not be further from the truth.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you? I feel like a total shit. I shoulda been more careful.”

“No, Bran, I loved it. I’m fine, I swear. The soreness will fade; I just need to take it easy for a bit.”

Evan reached out, hooked a finger through Bran’s belt loop, pulled him closer. Bran didn’t resist, but kept his hands to himself. As much as he wanted to touch, he needed to keep his priorities straight.

Evan seemed to take Bran’s lack of renitency as a good sign and lifted the thin material of his shirt to expose the smooth skin beneath. He dropped gentle kisses along Bran’s abdomen. His muscles jumped with each brush of Evan’s smooth lips. Bran’s knuckles were white, balled into fists at his sides.

“I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”

Apparently Evan wasn’t easily deterred. He looked up at Bran through long lashes, pulling his lower lip between his teeth. “You don’t want me?” he asked quietly.

“Trust me, Ev, wanting you is not the problem here. Well… it kind of is the problem. I want you more than I’ve wanted anybody in a long time. I just don’t want you getting hurt. We’re both leaving here at the end of next week and going our separate ways. There has to be an expiration date on whatever it is we’re doing here.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Bran. I don’t know how I’ll react to any of this. I’ve never done anything even remotely like this before. Everything is new to me, but I can promise you that I know what I want, and I will do my best to remember this is all temporary. I just want to spend time with you, see what happens. I don’t need promises or labels. Just want to go with my gut.”

“I’m already in over my head on this. When I saw you with Ryan today, something in me snapped. I hated seeing someone else touching you. I know that’s completely irrational. I’m the one that scheduled the shoot, but it made me see red. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Never felt like this before. I just know this is going to get messy.”

“Life is messy though, you know? Sometimes it’s worth it to jump in and get your hands dirty. Happiness and contentment don’t come along very often, so when they do, you need to hold on with everything you’ve got. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, but at least you can say you tried.”

“So you’re saying you want to get dirty?”

Evan chuckled, the mood lightened by Bran’s comment. “Yeah, I do.” He grabbed a handful of Bran’s shirt, pulling him down on top of him. He attacked his mouth with a desperate ferocity that surprised both of them.

Bran intertwined their fingers, then pinned Evan’s hands above his head as they kissed. He brought his knees up on either side of Bran’s narrow torso and hooked them around his body, granting him better access to the sweet spot between them. Bran ground down hard against him.

Evan whimpered. Bran’s hips snapped back. “Sorry, Sweets. We should slow down a bit. Just got caught up for a sec.”

“S’okay. I’m fine. Just a bit sore.”

Bran lifted off him and pulled Evan up. He kissed him again, slow and sweet. They had time.

“C’mon, I’ll run you a bath. The hot water’ll help.”

Bran led Evan into the bathroom, mouth watering at the thought of getting Evan naked and slippery in the warm water. He bent to fill the tub. The water flowed in a surging cascade, filling the tub quickly. The water definitely looked inviting, but not as inviting as the man in front of him.

“No need for this.” He reached for Evan, tugged his shirt over his head, then let his hands roam slowly along his skin.

“Or these,” he said playfully, as he tugged at the elastic of Evan’s soft flannel pajama pants. He moaned as Bran’s fingers brushed past the hard ridge hidden underneath. Bran opened his hand, applying more pressure, rubbing him through the fabric.

Evan helped push them, eager for skin on skin contact. Bran turned him around, giving him a light tap on the bum.

“Climb in.”

Evan huffed in defiance, but did as he was told, stepping into the tub and lowering himself into the warm water.

“Oh, so good,” he purred. “Wanna get wet with me?”

Bran licked his lips and shook his head. “If I get in there with you, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands to myself, and you’re supposed to be relaxing, not getting more worked up.”

Evan stuck his bottom lip out as far as it would go.

“Hey, none of that,” Bran admonished.

He gave an exaggerated sigh and began unbuttoning his jeans. He couldn’t deny his beautiful boy, not when the pouting was so goddamn sweet.

Evan made a little gleeful noise and slid forward in the tub, giving Bran room to climb in behind him. Bran held Evan snug against his chest. Evan let his head fall back as Bran’s arms supported him. Quietly enjoying one another, they both stretched out in the water.

Bran reached up to the ledge next to the tub, picking up a clean washcloth and dipping it into the warm water. He drew it lazily over Evan’s chest, teasing a little at his nipples before dragging it lower in easy circles around his stomach.

It felt nice to take care of him like this. Bran knew Evan was fully capable of taking care of himself, but Bran hoped Evan would appreciate the attention. He gripped Evan’s shoulder lightly, nudging him to lean forward. He continued his careful washing up and down Evan’s back, small circles gently exfoliating as he moved.

All too soon, the water had cooled and Evan had been worked into a near coma of pleasure.

“C’mon, Sweets. Let’s get you to bed.”

Evan waggled his eyebrows at Bran as he held out the fluffy white towel that had been heating on the warmer. He was enveloped in the warmth of the towel and Bran’s arms.

They crawled into bed together, Evan resting his head in the hollow of Bran’s shoulder. Bran cuddled him close and, exhausted from the events of the day, fell swiftly to sleep.