Nine
Julia
Sitting on that curb, I felt ridiculous. How could I have let Kellan run me out of my own uncle’s wake? He hadn’t even spoken to me. He didn’t say a word. And still, I bolted. I ran out the back door like a burglar and didn’t stop until I knew I was alone. When did I become this person? So, afraid of confrontation?
That night came back to me in a flood of emotions. I was sitting on a bench in McKinney park waiting for Kellan to show up. We’d agreed to meet after my last class. We had plans to see a movie and grab a drink, but he was late.
I called him a few times. No answer. After an hour, I decided to just go home and wait for him to call me back. Something must have happened. I was beginning to worry he’d been in an accident or something.
When I walked through the backdoor, my phone finally rang.
“Hey,” I said, my voice full of relief. “Where have you been? Are you okay?”
“I’m great!” Kellan said cheerfully. “I’m really sorry I stood you up. Can you meet me now? At Jackson’s?”
“Sure,” I said apprehensively. “I’ll be there in a few.”
“See you soon!”
I hung up and turned back around. Climbing in my car, I felt a horrible sense of dread wash over me. There was something going on with Kellan, that much I knew, but I couldn’t imagine what it could be. In all the time we’d been dating, Kellan had never been so much as two minutes late for a date. Never. He blamed the fact that he was obnoxiously early on his military training. Whatever was going on, it had to be pretty big if it meant Kellan was deviating from his prompt nature.
As I drove toward Jackson’s, I told myself it couldn’t be anything bad. Kellan sounded happy on the phone. Excited. Only something really amazing could make him sound like that.
Kellan was sitting at our usual booth when I walked inside. My drink was already sitting on the table when I slid in beside him.
“Hey, you,” he said with a grin. He kissed me quickly, that same grin never leaving his face.
“What’s up with you?” I laughed. “I don’t know that I’ve ever seen you this happy.”
“I don’t know that I’ve ever been this happy,” Kellan admitted.
“Well,” I prompted quickly. “Tell me what’s going on. I can’t take the suspense any longer.”
“I’m going to be an Alpha.”
The words left his lips and hit my ears like a brick. I heard him, but I couldn’t quite comprehend what he was saying.
“I got the call today,” he continued. “This morning actually. My C.O. said everything is in place. I start my official training in a few days.”
“Training?” I sputtered. I blinked and tried to focus on his face, but I felt like I was floating underwater. Everything seemed far away, blurry and out of reach.
“In Coronado,” he nodded. “I leave the day after tomorrow. And guess what? I’m not the only bear! There’s another guy, and then a tiger I guess and two mountain lions. They’re so rare, I’ve heard they’re crazy fast. Julia, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am. I mean, I’ve dreamt of this for so long and…”
“California?” I interrupted. Kellan fell silent and stared at me for a second. He frowned and slid an inch away from me in the booth.
“Aren’t you happy for me?” he asked.
“Of course, I am,” I managed to say.
“You don’t seem like it,” he said, still frowning.
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around it,” I explained. “I had no idea this was going to happen and it just…”
“I’ve been talking about it since we met,” he reminded me impatiently.
“I know,” I said. “I mean, I didn’t know it was going to happen right now.”
“But it’s a good thing!” he promised.
“It is,” I agreed with a nod. “For you.”
My words fell on his ears and I watched as his expression went from slightly confused to completely annoyed. I immediately knew what he’d been hoping for. Kellan thought I would jump with joy. He imagined me throwing my arms around him and congratulating him on a job well done, but I couldn’t do that. Not when I only just found out he was leaving me.
“I can’t believe you aren’t more excited,” he said. “Damn Julia, I thought you wanted this for me.”
“I do!” I said, “But you don’t have to sound so damn cheerful about it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he demanded. “I’m finally getting everything I’ve always wanted. For years, I’ve thought of nothing else. Becoming an Alpha is my destiny. I thought you knew that. I thought you understood this was going to happen someday.”
“Kellan,” I began slowly. My voice was shaking slightly and I had to close my eyes to focus properly. “I am happy for you and I do understand, but can’t you see how upsetting it is for me? You just told me you’re leaving and you don’t seem the slightly bit upset by it.”
“Why would I be upset?” he asked. He threw his hands up in frustration. “I have everything I want. I’m going to be an Alpha. I’ll be training in Coronado with the most elite shifters in the military by the end of the week. And, I have y…”
“So, then go,” I snapped.”
“What?” he asked. I watched as his face fell.
“Just go,” I repeated. “If you’re so happy to be leaving, then leave. You don’t have to stick around and rub my face in it.”
Kellan looked at me like I had slapped him.
I couldn’t believe he would be so heartless as to smile through our breakup. How could he tell me he was leaving and not even act a little sad?
“Julia,” he began. “What the hell is wrong? Where is this coming from?”
“You’re leaving me and you’re happy about it,” I blurted out. Tears were forming in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them from overflowing.
“Is that what you think?” Kellan laughed weakly. He slid closer to me and held both of my hands in his. “Julia, I’m not leaving you.”
“So, you aren’t going to Coronado?” I asked.
“No, I am,” he nodded. “But that doesn’t mean we have to be over.”
“What does it mean then?” I asked.
“Well,” he began. I could see the wheels in his head turning as he tried to work through his thoughts.
“You haven’t even thought about it, have you?” I asked, the pain evident in my voice.
“I just found out this morning, Julia,” he said defensively. “I haven’t had time to work everything out yet.”
“There’s nothing to work out,” I said weakly. I turned my head and took a giant swig of my drink. I stared down at the table angrily and tried to keep more tears from falling.
“What does that mean?” he asked. His voice sounded so small, so unlike Kellan, that I looked up in surprise. He was staring at me, his eyes searching mine. I didn’t have an answer to his question. All I knew was that my heart was breaking and I couldn’t make it stop.
“It means,” I began. “You didn’t even stop to think about what this would mean for our future. Which tells me we don’t have one.”
“Julia,” Kellan said, his words pleading for resolution.
“There’s nothing else to say,” I said quickly, not wanting to drag out the conversation any more than we already had. A quick goodbye would be best for both of us.
“I’m sorry,” he said. His head sagged and he stared down his hands which were once again wrapped tightly around mine. I watched him and waited for him to say something else.
Anything else.
But he didn’t.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I pulled my hands free and stood up.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“What’s the point in hanging around any longer?” I asked. Every part of me was aching.
“To say goodbye,” he suggested. “We won’t see each other for a long time and…”
“It all ends just the same,” I said, cutting him off. “Whether I sit here with you for another three hours or not for another second, nothing will change. You’ll still leave, and I’ll still be here.”
“Julia…”
I turned and left without looking back. I thought he would stand up and follow me outside, tell me he loved me or ask me to wait for him. Something. Anything at all.
When I pushed the door open and stepped out into the parking lot I knew I was hoping for nothing. The cool evening breeze hit my face and quickly dried the tears that were still on my cheeks.
Despite the pain that accompanied that memory, it still wasn’t the worst I’d felt. The worst pain came later. After Kellan left town. After I realized he wasn’t going to try to see me before he did. After I realized that night in Jackson’s was our last night together. After I had spent hours crying myself to sleep and wishing, more than anything, that I’d stayed in that booth just a little longer.