I wanted to tell Chad that the hockey game was a bad idea, but I didn't. What could I say? He had the tickets already. I just focused on the hockey players on the ice. I tried to forget that I had been down on that ice. That Connor had held my hand, my elbow, kissed my hair. I pretended this date was better than that date, even though it couldn't be.

I got the jumbo popcorn and a drink. I held Chad's hand in the bitter cold of the rink. The air stung but I smiled. After the first period, I pulled my phone out and took a selfie with Chad. I uploaded it to my Instagram while he got us more refreshments. I wanted everything to appear picture perfect, even if it didn’t feel that way.

The text came sooner than I thought it would. Connor's name lit up my phone and I felt a strange mixture of anger and gratification. I knew he would see it, but I couldn't keep my social media hidden, pretend I wasn't dating someone new.

I shoved my phone back into my purse. What was that? He was a good guy? Yeah, I was aware. It felt like a dig. Or it felt like a blessing. I didn't want a blessing. I wanted him to hate anyone I was with. I wanted him to want to trade places with whoever I was with. I pulled my phone back out and pulled up Facebook. Connor had been checked into the blue stadium an hour earlier.

No, wait, he hadn't checked in; he had been checked in by some chick. I clicked on the profile and took in the girl’s blonde hair. No wonder he had been leaving me alone. He was seeing someone new. But still, he felt the need to reach out to me. Why? I searched the crowd. Did he know where I was sitting? He wouldn't be down here with us. He would be up in a shiny room with glass windows. With his date and sister and her husband. Bringing a girl here had to mean something, right?

Like it meant something with me? I wondered if they had skated in the dark like he and I had. In her picture, she looked tall, graceful. She probably knew how to ice skate. They probably held hands, glided across the ice like angels or some shit like that. No, Connor was no angel.

I heard a voice to my right. "Don't," Lesley said.

"What?" I blanched. I knew she knew. Those damn emotions and my damn traitor face.

"Stop looking for him. You're here with Chad. Chad is good for you." My friendship with Lesley was on solid ground, at the moment. She had no clue I had slept with Avery. If she knew, she would be done with me. I no longer was stung by her friendship with Wendy. Maybe I was growing up, or something like it.

"Well, maybe I'm not good for him." I didn’t know if I believed it or not. We had been having fun. He was so nice, no drama, and here I was, looking for some guy I hadn’t really dated in two years.

"Are you kidding?"

"I'm good for no one." How could she argue? In the past, she sabotaged half of my relationships. No, I sabotaged them, she ridiculed them. She liked Chad though. Hell, she probably wanted to fuck him. No, that was just me being cruel. She never gave off those vibes. Not with him.

Did Connor know it was my birthday? He was ruining it. Taking my happy from me. He couldn't have known I would be here. I didn't choose this place. I wasn't asking for this trouble.

Chad took me home that night. I let him into my trailer and into my bed. It didn't matter how many times we fucked, letting him into my home, it was more intimate. I had seen his shiny car, his tidy room. Now he could see my mess. Maybe he would stay around for it. Who knows. I wanted him to.

Just before Chad fell asleep, he spoke into my hair from behind. “I really like you, Gwen.” It was a small thing but it made my heart hurt, because at that very moment, I was thinking of Connor, of ways to end this almost-relationship so I could be free to go to his house, to be at his mercy.

I was weak and looked at Connor's Facebook the next day after Chad left. He wore that fake smile, the one he always used in photos.

He could never smile for real. He reminded me of the episode of friends where Chandler couldn't smile for the camera.

In my sadness, I told myself he was using a fake smile because he didn't like the girl he was with.

I always hid from the truth.