I had one free day during my work trip to Seattle. Joe and I were like strangers, we wouldn’t be sleeping together, or even hanging out while out of town together. We barely spoke on the plane. It really hammered home that we had nothing in common, and years ago the only thing that brought us together was our physical attraction to each other.

Before I left I texted Logan, telling him an approximate time I would be in my hotel room. I had been up front with him. I told him that soon, I would be off the market.

He didn’t ask questions. He had no right to. He knew how I felt and his silence said everything.

Once, over the summer, after downing a few drinks I came close to telling him. Instead, I asked him a question.

“Do you know how I feel about you?” I asked. I love you, I love you.

“Yes. Yes I do.”

The sound of the waves reached through his phone to me. I wondered about other girls’ bare feet, if they left with sand in their shoes, after walking along the coast with him. We never spoke of it again. I wasn’t the begging kind.

In Seattle, I made it to my room early, my phone buzzed in my hand as I inserted my keycard with the other.

I walked into my room, threw my purse on the bed, and rolled my suitcase to the chaise lounge in the corner. The screen of my phone made my face warm and crimson when I looked at it.

When I opened the door, I bit my lip and cursed myself for the cliché. I couldn’t help it. He had a backpack slung over his shoulder, no suitcase. We only had this day and it was a thorn, a blister. He walked in and dropped his bag, gathering me into his arms. I was lost in the scent of his hair, it was longer, the four months since I last saw him felt tangible.

I wanted to cry, but we had become this tragedy, this walking reminder that love is not enough, especially when only one was in love.

I let go, grabbing his hand, pulling him to the bed.

“How was your flight?”

“Horrible. I barely slept.” We had arrived at the airport at 4 a.m. I hadn’t slept the night before, I couldn’t stop thinking about Logan and Connor and my guilt and my desire. Everything was mixed, muddled.

“Let’s sleep,” he said, kicking off his shoes, undoing his watch.

I watched him. Like art, he could make me move, tiny beats of my heart felt like thunder in the distance.

We crawled under the puffy white covers and he pulled me back to his chest. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t sleep. I felt warmth between my thighs, my breathing was erratic.

“This isn’t going to work,” I said, my voice muffled into the pillow.

“What isn’t?” he asked, and I pushed my ass back into him in reply. He was hard and I was thinking of all the nights I lay in bed wondering if I would ever kiss him again, ever feel him inside of me.

We shed our clothes and he entered me from behind. I cried out when he pulled on my hair, I needed this. I needed his inaudible sighs, his muffled wants.

I disconnected and turned, climbing on top of him, staring into his green eyes. What can be said without words? With only fucking and a frantic need to hold on? We made it last, then fell asleep holding each other. Before his breath turned deep and heavy, he spoke into my hair.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

I believed him. He missed me, but he did not love me.

Later, we showered together, our skin had become sticky with sweat and sex.

He stepped in ahead of me. I watched him, the shower stream pouring between us, a divide. He had his eyes closed, a hair tie in his teeth.

I watched and I tasted the salt on my lips, ripped from my own eyes, as he gathered his long golden hair. His body danced and his jaw was glass. I wanted to cut myself on it.

When he was done, his locks secured on the top of his head, he opened his eyes and found mine. “What?” he asked. He could read me.

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

I wasn’t flirting. I couldn’t say goodbye, not with the proper words, so I said this. I wanted him to remember that when I stopped taking his calls. When our friendship was no longer the last thing we clung to. I couldn’t remain friends with him when I went back to Connor.

And I had decided that I would.