I walked up to my steps, fumbling with my keys, past Connor. He watched me open my door and stood outside as I walked past my couch. When I didn't hear him behind me I turned. “Come in.”

“I didn't want to assume.”

“Whatever.” I waved my fingers in the air and threw my purse on my recliner. It was more of a catch-all than anything else. I didn't have much furniture, just leftovers that didn't belong to me.

I walked to the fridge for a bottle of water, my ears perked, mapping Connor’s movements in my trailer. He was walking into the kitchen too, so I grabbed another bottle. I tossed it to him, wondered if the tension in the air slowed it down. I could still feel Joe’s body on mine, his scent.

“Why are you here?” I asked after swallowing a mouthful of water.

“I wanted to see you.”

“It’s a little early in the day for you to want to see me. It’s normally after nine, at the earliest, that you find your way into my life.” I waited for him to ask me where I was the night before. I knew it was bubbling under the surface. I wanted him to ask, so I could tell him it wasn’t any of his business.

He never asked. Instead, he stunned me.

“I think we should be together.” He set his water bottle on the table next to him, crossed his arms.

It wasn’t romantic, it felt like he was closing a deal. My heart thundered in my ears.

“We’re together right now.” I gestured between us with my arm. This wasn’t how I expected this to go down. Mostly I convinced myself the day would never arrive, but on the few days or few moments I let myself believe Connor would one day want to be exclusive with me, it wasn’t like this. It was softer, less like an aggressive job interview.

“You know what I mean.” He scrunched up his face, creating ugly lines.

“No.” I put the cap back on my water bottle. “I guess I don’t know what you mean.” I wanted him to do better. To say something nice. I knew I would say yes, I knew I would be his, as sad as that sounded, but I needed more.

“I think we should be a couple.”

“What’s wrong with what we’ve been doing?”

“You want to keep doing that?”

“No, and we both know that. But I want to know why you want this.”

“I don’t want you to be with anyone else but me. I don’t want to keep seeing you just at night.”

“That’s been your choice. Not mine. I tried. For years. I’ve been hanging on to you for years. You know that, right?”

“Yes.”

“Last September, we were sleeping together. And Blane told me he texted you and told you happy birthday. Do you remember what your response was?”

“No.”

“You said ‘Thanks, but I wish I had someone to spend it with’.” I was going to cry, I could feel it bubbling up. My throat was on fire. “I wanted to be with you. I was in love with you, and you knew it. And you wanted him to feel sorry for you. Like you were alone. Like you didn’t have me desperately wanting you, waiting for you.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” His hands were on his hips, he stared at the ceiling.

“And then I end up in the hospital. Because of you. Because finally having sex with you hit me even harder. I wasn’t just broken emotionally, but physically. And I had to beg you to come see me.” The tears started to fall. My grip on the water bottle threatened to pop it.

“I know. And I’m so sorry for that, too. I just hate hospitals.”

“I don’t give a shit!” It was all tumbling out, the hate and the hurt, the clotting. “I do too, but I was in one, because of you. I couldn’t let anyone touch me for what felt like forever after that. And it wasn’t just because I was afraid that something like that would happen again, which yeah, that was a fear. But it was because I couldn’t stand to let myself care for anyone again. You fucked me up and I wish I could go back to the days when I hurt you. When it was just you, and not me.”

“Then do it. Love me less. Let me pass you. Let’s try. Let me fall again and let it hurt me more. But just try.”

“I hate you. I wanted this for so long. I bit my tongue and killed myself inside, just so I wouldn’t inconvenience you. So I could be the convenient fuck you would turn to. I just wanted you to spend time with me, and change your mind about me.”

“It worked.”

I wanted to fight with him more. I wanted to put up more of a fight. But I didn't. I drank the rest of my water and I tossed the bottle at him. Then I walked to him and let him pull me in.

When I pulled away, I walked to my shower, to wash off the scent of another man from my flesh, so I could start my new relationship with the one I actually wanted.