I spent two hours staring at my legs, waiting for something to move, for life to return to my bones. As usual, the disappointment is crushing. Now here I am, at the pool, at 9 p.m., trying to talk myself out of doing something irresponsible—or stupid, as my brothers would call it.

But I’m tired, tired of waiting for something to happen, tired of being disappointed time and time again. I need to take action to try and get a piece of myself back, the self I once knew.

My gaze lowers to the yoga mat I placed on the side of the pool next to the ladder.

The water refuses to quit tempting me to give it another shot.

I wheel myself closer to the edge of the deep end. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it right. I won’t let my fear stop me. Not this time.

The guys at Crystal Lake had made it look so easy. Maybe it is, maybe it really is all in my head.

The me inside my head tells me not to be stupid, warns me that I could end up drowning for real this time with no one here to save me. I ignore it, and with the help of my arms, shift myself forward in the wheelchair, my eyes focused on the water, the ultimate price. Winning over the fear, I lean forward, let go of the support that wheelchair is giving me, and throw myself into the liquid. We were once friends, water and I. Surely, it won’t let me down for a second time.

For a moment, I sink, but then I remember the strength of my arms and use it, to help me tread water. It feels like nothing beneath me, but my arms are helping me move upward. My head breaks through the surface of the liquid, and I blink water out of my eyes. My body lightens as I draw in a breath of air while keeping my arms moving to keep from going back under. But I’m starting to feel heavier every second. And then, without warning, the little voice inside my head gets louder.

What if you drown? You’ll end up dead. No one is here to save you.

The first time I succeeded at ignoring it, but this time, the words send my body and mind into a state of panic, breaking through my self-control. My confidence dissipates, weakening me. I try to move my arms again, but they feel like stone, my entire body a statue.

My breath is coming in quick, ragged gasps. The water I hoped would be a friend turns into an enemy. Our friendship, it seems, is a thing of the past.

My breathing gets labored as I start to go down, unable to move at all now. Everything is happening in slow motion, until my head is submerged by the water. I hold onto my breath until my lungs feel about to burst. I’m in desperate need of oxygen, but my body has forgotten how to move, how to fight. On reflex, I open my mouth to shout for help. Water gushes in, choking me. I slam my mouth shut again and my eyes fly open, focusing on the tiny lights at the side of the pool.

Maybe this is it. Maybe I should let go right here, right now. Maybe dying inside the pool isn’t such a bad idea. Even though no one would know, I’d die trying. What do I need to live for, anyway? I’m not interested in the life fate has handed me. Time to give it back.

I close my eyes and pray for speed.

From a distance, I hear a splash, but I can’t follow where the sound is coming from as water plugs my ears.

Then something touches me, hands beneath my body, as I relax and give in to death. Someone is pulling me out now, helping me float, dragging me to the surface of the water. My head emerges from the water and I splatter and cough through my raw throat.

“It’s okay, Lance. You’re safe.” The voice is familiar, too familiar.

I open my eyes again and meet her blue eyes. Her hair is plastered to her head and her eyes are round with shock.

At the sight of her, warmth blooms inside my chest.

She’s back; Alice is back. And she’s struggling to get me out of the water.

“Ladder,” I whisper and cough again.

“Okay. Let’s get you out.” She gets the message and moves me along the edge of the pool to the ladder. Once we get there, she places one of my hands on the metal and I curl my fingers around it.

I’m trembling now, not just from the near-death experience, another failed attempt at taking my life, but from the shock of seeing her again.

“What … why are you here?” I ask, when I’m able to catch my breath.

“Don’t talk. Don’t strain yourself. You need to get your energy back. Let’s get you out.”

With her holding onto my legs, pushing me upward and me using my arms to heave myself onto the yoga mat, we managed to get me out of the water. I’m lying on my back, feet stealing the water, eyes gazing up at the dark sky. She’s lying next to me on the tiles, panting as she sweeps her wet hair from her face.

She pulls herself up on one elbow, and places a hand on one side of my face. “Are you okay?”

I swallow hard. “Fine.”

“That’s good. You scared the hell out of me.” Tears spring to her eyes.

Why is she crying? The longer I watch her, the harder her shoulders shake, and the tears slide down her cheeks, merging with the pool water.

God knows what gets into me, but I reach out and bring her close until she is only a breath away from my face. For a while nothing happens. We just breathe, our eyes locked in the moment. Then, my hand moves to the back of her neck. I draw her closer, my tongue sliding between her lips.

The kiss is hungry, hot, desperate, confusing. As quickly as it started, it ends, but our lips remain glued to each other, our breaths merging into one. She smells of baby powder even wet. She tastes as good as she smells.

Finally, I come to my senses and pull away, my heart splintering.

“I’m sorry.” She twirls a wet lock of hair around her finger. “I’m so sorry about that.” She gets to her feet. She’s wearing a white knee-length dress that’s now sticking to her body, following the lines of her curves, stretching around her breasts. Water drips from the hem to her feet. Her breasts move up and down as she continues to pant for air.

The desire to kiss her again is so strong, exploding in the center of my chest, but that would be wrong.

I pull myself to a sitting position. “I should be the one who’s sorry.” I rake a hand through my damp hair. “I didn’t mean to do that.”

She pulls my wheelchair closer to me, and as she tries to help me get up onto it, I stop her. “It’s okay. I can do it myself.”

A groan rumbles inside my throat as I move my legs one by one from the pool and shift closer to the wheelchair after locking the wheels to make sure it won’t move. As much as I want to kiss this woman, I want to run away from her. She terrifies the hell out of me, makes me want to do things I haven’t done for years. And she makes me want to paint again, to paint her. I can’t. I can’t get close to her.

“Why did you ... Why did you do that?” she asks.

“It was a mistake. I’m sorry.” I adjust my feet in the wheelchair.

She shakes her head. “I mean, why were you in the pool without anyone to help you?”

“I didn’t want to kill myself, if that’s what you think.”

She wraps her arms around her body. “No, that’s not what I think.”

“If you don’t mind, I’d prefer not to discuss it.”

“I understand.” She stares at me for a while, then lets out a sigh. “I guess I should go. I forgot my bracelet. The door was unlocked. I didn’t mean to intrude. I had no idea you left Crystal Lake. I thought Valentina would be here.” She turns to leave, but before she walks through the glass doors, she glances back at me. “Please don’t do that again. You almost drowned.”

“Thank you for being here on time.”

She nods. “I’ll not be here next time.”

“Don’t worry, I can take care of myself.” I knead my shoulder. “Forgive me for—”

“The kiss?” She gathers her hair to one side and squeezes out the water.

“Yeah. I have no idea what came over me.”

“You’ve nothing to apologize for. Let’s forget it happened.” A smile touches her soft lips, the lips I just kissed. “Goodbye, Lance LaClaire.”

With that, she walks out of my life, leaving me shattered.