For the umpteenth time that evening, Landon was nervous. He navigated familiar streets back to his condo on Michigan, but his stomach gave a weird wobble every time he looked in his rearview and saw Bailey’s headlights. He shouldn’t have made the spontaneous invitation about the Space Villager codes. However, playing Gauntlet with Bailey had been so damn fun—Bailey took direction really well, unlike a lot of his friends, who could be a tad…bossy. But Bailey made an excellent sidekick, letting Landon take charge, but more than holding his own. He had this great laugh while playing—deep and rich and full. And even his trash talk was exceedingly good-natured, never taking himself too seriously. Landon really liked that trait in people a lot, liked being able to have fun and joke around as opposed to people who took every damn thing, including gaming, too seriously.

And with a belly fully of good food and buzzing on the gaming, Landon had made the offer because he really did want to see what Bailey was like on his favorite game. They could do some epic damage together, and it was always more fun to play when someone he knew was on too. So this was good. And it would go fine. They’d moved past the awkward part of the mistaken identity, right?

And Bailey didn’t have to know how hard this was, that he never really liked people he didn’t know well in his space. It was different with his friend Pike—they’d been roommates and had met when they were goofy silly freshman together and kept up their friendship for over a decade now. He was more like the brother Landon had never had. With Pike, he was safe. Always had been. The rest of the world? Not so much.

He’d told Bailey to park on the street, and after Landon took his usual space in the underground parking, he walked back to Bailey’s little Prius hatchback, which was an aggressively cheerful tangerine shade. Its Oregon license plates glinted in the glow of the street lights.

“Want me to wait here?” Bailey got out of the car, but looked uncertain as to what to do.

That makes two of us. Strangely, that settled Landon, knowing that Bailey was also a little on edge. “Nah. Neighborhood’s pretty safe, but no sense in you staying out here this late.”

“Oh heck. It is late. I’m keeping you up.” Bailey followed Landon up the steps to his condo.

“You’re not. I’m a total night owl. I do all my best work at night. Somehow, I manage to teach day classes and attend meetings, but if it were up to me, 4:00 or 5:00 a.m. would be an ideal bedtime.” He had a middle unit in the row of four two-story condos, each with its own staircase in a sort of cross of art deco and Spanish styles. Bailey gave him plenty of room on the steps and at the door as Landon unlocked, which was nice.

“Me too. Maybe not four, but I do three far more than I should.” Bailey laughed as they entered the condo. The stairway was on the left and Landon quickly stepped flipped on the lights and stepped out of the tight entryway into the living area.

“Oh my God. You have the best place ever,” Bailey enthused.

“Really?” Landon loved his home, but between his mother’s penchant for buying him half the Think Geek catalog for each gift giving holiday and his own nerdiness, the condo’s decor pretty much screamed, “Here lives a single gamer.” But Bailey was looking around with big excited eyes, all but rubbing his hands together.

“Oh yeah. I currently live with three other guys in a house in Portland, and they’re all artists, so the decorating changes every two weeks, and I’ve got little say over it.” Bailey sighed.

“That’s rough. My grandfather left me a nest egg last year, and I couldn’t wait to own my own place. Found this place close to campus, and being roommate-free is pretty damn sweet.”

“I bet. Is that really Rampage?” Bailey gestured at a full-size arcade machine next to a MAME machine in the nook where normal people might put their dining table.

“Yup.” Landon was rather proud of both consoles, which had been his present to himself upon achieving home ownership this past year. He’d gotten them in lieu of more traditional furniture. He mainly ate standing up in the galley kitchen, at his desk in the second bedroom, or on the red leather couch in the center of the living area, which faced his TV and gaming center. Eating with distraction helped with the too-quiet feel of not having a roommate for the first time. “I’ve got it set to free play if you want to give it a go.”

“Really?” Bailey’s eager expression looked like Landon was handing out full-size candy bars on Halloween.

“Yeah. Let’s.” Landon put off searching for the Space Villager papers in favor of showing off his toys.

“Yay.” Bailey followed him to the machine, which Landon flipped on. “Uh, dude, don’t freak out but there’s a cat on the other console.”

“Thor.” Landon laughed as he looked up to see the cat on one of his favorite perches. “Loki’s around here somewhere too, but he’s more sneaky.”

“Thor and Loki? That’s too cute.” Bailey laughed.

“After my friend Pike moved to San Diego, I realized I missed his cats almost as much as him, so I got these two from the shelter.” Landon knew he was blushing, but couldn’t seem to turn it off. He lifted Thor down, burying his face—and his blush—in his soft, yellow fur. “Same litter, but vastly different looks and personalities. Everyone said to get two so that they would keep each other company, but these guys butt heads all the time. The names seemed to fit.”

“I love it.” Bailey grinned as the game booted up. “I want to get a dog, but my roommates keep nixing the idea.”

“That’s too bad. Pets are great. They’ll both go hide now, though. They don’t like when the games get loud.”

“Aww. Poor kitty.” Bailey gave Thor a pat as Landon set the cat back down on the rug. “How did you get so into classic arcade games anyway?”

Oh fuck. Landon had an answer for that, but it wasn’t pretty, nor was it a story he shared often. He opened his mouth for some sort of glib answer, but something closer to the truth crept out. “I’ve always been into computer games and gaming systems, but my sophomore year of college, I had to…take some time off. Went home to Santa Barbara, and there’s this hole-in-the-wall arcade near my mom’s house. Nothing fancy. No food or anything, just a bunch of classic machines. I got in the habit of going every day for a while, getting their all-day pass, and just zoning out and playing. It got me through a really tough time.”

“Oh man, that’s great. I mean the rough time sucks. But neat that gaming helped you. I’m a big believer in gaming as therapy—War Elf has gotten me through some of my lowest points. Now with arcade machines, I’ve only ever played here and there with friends growing up and the arcade bars in Portland, but there’s still nothing like getting out of your head.” Bailey managed to sound more supportive than patronizing. Few people understood that dark time in Landon’s life, could really fathom what the arcade and gaming had meant to him, what a lifeline it had been.

“Exactly. Now, shall we play?” Landon gestured at the game, eager to get off this topic. It was weird how his body seemed to want to talk to Bailey, how his usual defenses didn’t seem to work.

“Sure. You’re going to have to remind me how this one goes. We’re big monsters destroying buildings, right?”

“Exactly. You can pick your character first. You eat people and destroy buildings and cars to get through the level, trying to make it through before your health bar runs out. It’s not terribly hard on the lower levels, but it is fun.”

“Awesome.” Bailey picked the large gorilla, leaving Landon to his favorite giant lizard character, Lizzie. “Bring on the wreckage.”

“You’ve got it.” The game started, and Landon slipped into the familiar zone, racing through the fictional town, smashing stuff. As he went, he called out tips and suggestions for Bailey, who proved a quick study.

Bailey was the type who moved a lot as he gamed, biceps flexing, knees wiggling, shoulders jostling. Landon always liked people who got so into gaming, but it was more than a little distracting. His body was quickly coming to associate that orange scent of Bailey’s with good things, and other parts of him apparently liked Bailey’s nearness, which was a novelty because instead of intimidated, as he would have expected, he was more than a little turned on.

“Oh man, that was a rush.” Bailey laughed as both of their health meters dipped to zero. “I’m almost wishing I’d gone into game art, not photography. Amazing how these graphics have held up over the years.”

“Totally. And speaking of art, let me find the Space Villager stuff.” Landon reluctantly stepped away from the game. He headed to the nearby kitchen, where he was pretty the papers were buried with a stack of mail. Paper control was not his strong suit. “You’ll go nuts at the latest screen shots and promo teasers.”

“Cool.” Rather than follow Landon, Bailey went to sit on the couch.

“You want a drink while I’m in here?” Landon called to him after he found the papers under a pile of pizza ads. “I’ve got four flavors of Snapple, soda, and water.”

“Surprise me with a Snapple flavor.” Bailey looked right at home on Landon’s couch, lounging back.

He really did not look at all like any photographer Landon had ever met, and curiosity had him asking, “So why photography? You said you could have done game design?”

“Yeah, I had plenty of friends at the art institute go that direction. But I’ve been in love with photography ever since I worked on our middle school yearbook. I figured out quickly that taking pictures of events and sports was far more fun than trying to do the sports myself, so I did yearbook all through high school, got a photography scholarship to the art institute in Portland.”

“So you don’t play a sport?” Landon had a hard time believing that. With Bailey’s height and breadth, he totally looked like he lived for weekend games of some type.

“Nope. Hopelessly uncoordinated.” Bailey shot him an endearing smile when Landon handed him the bottle of tea.

“Me too.” Landon clinked bottles with him, then held up the papers. “Found the codes. But can I show you some stuff on the TV screen while you have your drink?”

“Absolutely.” Bailey took a long swig of tea, and Landon had to look away before he got mesmerized by Bailey’s full mouth, how it looked when his tongue chased a stray drop of moisture, how pink it was in contrast to his paler skin and brown beard.

Landon queued up the pre-release trailer Josiah had sent him a link to. Bombastic music filled his small living room as on the screen, and a spaceship pulled in for a landing on a planet filled with ruins of a once-powerful civilization. The narrator had an iconic voice and detailed all the special features of the expansion pack. Landon had already watched this a half-dozen times, and it still gave him happy chills.

“Wow. I can’t wait.” Bailey looked suitably awed. “This is even cooler than when War Elf added the mystic raids.”

“I know, right? Now look at the in-game screen shots.” He brought up another video, body relaxing more and more despite Bailey’s nearness. It was just so awesome to have someone new to share this with. He’d been hyped about this all week, but Pike was distracted by his boyfriend Zack’s deployment, Savannah didn’t game much, and the rest of his regular crew seemed to have other things occupying their attention.

Somehow, as he shared more video clips, he drifted closer to Bailey, so that their knees were almost rubbing. It wasn’t a giant couch, so there wasn’t a ton of room to move back, but even so, Landon wasn’t looking for an escape. He was aware of Bailey, very much so, but not nearly as freaked out as he’d been a few hours ago. Instead, his senses seemed to soak up Bailey’s scent and nearness, and it wasn’t until the fourth or fifth video that he realized that he was aroused.

Clink. Somehow Landon’s left hand, holding his drink, and Bailey’s right hand tangled.

“Oops.” He tried to extricate himself without spilling both beverages. Bending to put his on the floor, he hadn’t realized that Bailey had also leaned down until their heads collided.

“Ow,” they said simultaneously.

“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry.” Bailey reached out, feeling around on Landon’s head. “Did you see stars? Break the skin?”

“I’m fine.” Landon didn’t pull away. Bailey’s hand felt damn nice. Gentle. Soothing more than just the bump on his head. Their eyes met, and he really needed to move back, break this spell, but he didn’t, instead leaning into to the touch. Bailey’s eyes darkened, and he stroked down Landon’s jaw. God, that felt so good, like an extra blanket on a chilly night, warmth he hadn’t realized he was missing. How long had it been since he’d been touched like this? Hugged, sure. He’d hugged Savannah goodnight, and hugged and wrestled around with his best friend Pike at the last LAN party, but neither of those things was touch like this. Caring. Sweet. Arousing.

Bailey leaned in again, way slower this time, all the time in the world for Landon to stop him. But he didn’t. Bailey’s beard tickled an instant before their lips met, a soft slide of mouths. Not aggressive at all, not the on-a-tight-schedule rush of a hookup, Bailey kissed like they had a sleepy Sunday afternoon to kill, like each reaction of Landon’s mattered, like he was trying to memorize something important and was going to take his time learning the lesson.

Landon was the first one to take things further, mouth opening on a sigh, welcoming Bailey’s agile tongue. He tasted sweet, like tea, and minty like the gum he’d popped after the pizza, familiar yet new at the same time. How had he managed to forget how awesome kissing could be? A laugh bubbled up in his chest, but quickly transformed to a groan of pleasure as Bailey nipped at his lower lip.

Not content to let Bailey be the one exploring, Landon sent his own tongue on a quest, tracing Bailey’s full lower lip, delving inside to rub tongues, retreating playfully to earn another nip. Fuck. This was nice. The video switched over to something random, and he barely registered it. He couldn’t say how long they kissed, just that he didn’t want it to ever end.

Then he was tumbling backward, a controlled fall that ended with Bailey looming over him on the couch. His heart sped up, but he tried to quiet his pulse. The kissing had been good. This was only a change of position. He could deal. He wanted to deal, wanted this, wanted more of Bailey’s long, drugging kisses. And it should be okay, their chests touching, legs tangling. All good stuff, and Bailey was as hard as he was, which should have been thrilling, but instead, the galloping in his heart got worse.

Then Bailey leaned in for another kiss, more of his weight settling against Landon. His lips were as soft as before, but the pressure of their bodies meeting was new. This is fine. Except it wasn’t, and terror rose in Landon’s throat.

“No,” he spat out.

Instantly, Bailey was off him, retreating to the other end of the couch, hands in his lap. “What’s wrong?”

“I…I can’t do this.” It was hard to speak, panic attack taking hold of his senses, fear not abating as it should have.

“But you wanted it? The kissing? Savannah said… Crap. Seemed like you were into it…” Bailey’s voice wasn’t accusatory, more simply confused.

“No.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stem off the panic attack with the only word willing to escape.

“Oh, okay. Okay.” Bailey hissed in a breath before standing, which made everything worse, height making him tower over Landon. “I should, uh, probably go.”

Landon couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell him it was all him, not Bailey, couldn’t quiet the pounding in his head, the way the room was tilting. All he could was focus on each breath, try to keep from gasping.

“Are you okay? I really, really didn’t mean to freak you out. And I’m so sorry.” Bailey started to crouch in front of Landon then seemed to think the better of it and paced farther away.

“Go.” The panic attack wasn’t going to abate. He could tell that now, having been down this road plenty of times, and he really didn’t want Bailey seeing him losing his shit over something as simple as kiss. A kiss he had wanted. But fuck his body and his stupid psyche.

“Are you sure? If you’re having a panic attack—”

“No. Just go.” Landon grit his teeth. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss this.

“Okay. Okay. Again, sorry.” Bailey hurried to the door, eyes big and concerned, face pinched. Landon was hurting him, and he hated that, but the terror wasn’t giving him much room for caring. And because panic attacks were far from rational beasts, the stampede of fear actually got worse as the door closed behind Bailey.

What did I do? Fuck. Fuck. Breathe. In. Out. Breathe. He forced himself off the couch, stumbled to the hall closet, where he had some seldom-used anti-anxiety meds in his messenger bag. Triple-checking the door lock, he took the tablet dry with shaking fingers, swallowing hard. Back to the door, he collapsed to the floor, hugging his knees.

It’s been almost a decade. Why the fuck do I still have to deal with this crap? He rocked his body back, head thumping against the door. Both cats came up to him, Thor more aggressively head-butting his way into Landon’s lap, Loki cautiously rubbing against him. He’d fucked up, hurt a genuinely nice guy, and worst of all, he had no clue how to make things better, could only huddle in a ball with his cats and hope the worst passed soon.