Trigger
Have you ever had that moment in your life where you’re so relaxed and your mind is at ease that you’d think two words could never crush you?
Well, it’s possible. It happened to me not even two seconds ago and I’m still lying in this bed on my back with those two words running circles in my brain.
I’m leaving, I’m leaving, I’m leaving…
I roll to my side and glare at Sadie who’s on her back staring at the ceiling. I take in the woman I’ve spent the last nine years off and on with and I don’t recognize her. She’s never wanted to put a title on our relationship and in the beginning, I was fine with that. I was too young for her and then I was in the Marines. I was shipped off or stationed away from Cumming and I didn’t want to tie her down to waiting for me to return.
When I returned three years ago, I figured we’d pick up where we left off. As you can see, we went right back to being fuck buddies and nothing else. I figured when she was ready to commit completely I’d get a sign. A banner swaying in the wind with ‘I love you, Trigger. It’s time to make it official.’
No banner has flown. No exchange of ‘I love you.’ No let’s give this a chance.
Nine years of the back and forth bullshit. Nine years of having my heart crushed thinking this woman felt for me what I felt for her. Nine years of watching my brothers, cousin and sister fall in love and create their own families. Nine years of being a stupid fucker waiting on a woman I should’ve known never would pledge her love and loyalty to me.
How two words can completely gut you and have your dreams crash to the ground in an instant is beyond my reasoning right now.
“Trigger.” Sadie whispers. “Did you hear me?”
“No, what did you say?”
“I said I’m leaving and going back to Louisiana. My dad called a few days ago and he’s not in the greatest shape. He asked if I could come and help out.”
“So, you’re not moving permanently. You’re just going for a visit.” I question.
“Well, I thought if all goes well and the situation is better than when I left, I might stay. It’s where I grew up and I miss my family.”
“Staying.” I grunt. “Isn’t Louisiana where your ex used to verbally abuse you? Isn’t Louisiana the place you ran from so you could give Lyla a better life because you knew staying there would do more harm than good?”
“Yeah, Trigger, but it’s been years. My dad is excited to finally meet Lyla and I have other family there, so it’s not like it’s just my dad.”
I nod. What else can I say? She’s made up her mind. “So when are you planning to move?”
“Tomorrow.” She whispers and turns her face away from me staring at the ceiling again.
“Tomorrow.” I repeat. “How long has this decision been made?”
“Since I got off the phone with my dad. Dani knows, but I made her promise not to tell you. I’ve been waiting for the right moment to break the news and everytime I wanted to, I couldn’t get the words to come out.”
“So you chose the moment after both of us had worked ourselves into oblivion. After I’ve spent the past week catering to everything that Sadie wants. What the fuck is wrong with you? We’ve been doing this same song and dance for years. Why couldn’t you just let me go? You’ve probably known since I got out of the military that we were never going any further than being each other’s fuck toys.”
“It’s not like that, Trigger. I care about you deeply. You’re always there for Lyla and me, but I’m just never in a place where I want to be tied down like Dani, Lily and Greer.”
“So, why didn’t you just release me from your hold?”
“I was scared.” A tear escapes from her eye. “When I first met you, you made me feel wanted and desired. You are the first and only man to accept me and Lyla. Not most men are willing to take on a single mother with a load of emotional baggage.” She shakes her head. “I guess I just got comfortable in the relationship that we have and never wanted to lose that. I was afraid that if I let you go that I’d lose all of you, Trigger.”
“Sadie, your prediction is correct. You would have lost me, because I’ve put my heart on the line for you every single time I’ve laid with you in this bed. I’ve grown so attached to you and Lyla that I don’t know how to act when there is no Trigger, Sadie and Lyla.”
“I’m sorry, Trigger, but this is something I need to do. Lyla needs to get to know her family. I need to be there for my dad. It’s just the way it has to be.”
“Noted.” I growl. I roll out of the bed and search out my clothes.
After I’ve put my shirt over my head, I walk to the door. “I’ve loved you for most of the nine years we’ve been playing cat and mouse. Just thought you should know since in that time the only feeling you have for me is care.” I spit the last word like it’s poisonous before I slam her bedroom door.
Yet again, I can’t comprehend how two fucking words could make my world stop spinning. I can’t see how someone can be with a person for that many years and not have an ounce of love for them.
Looking back, the only thing I’m good at is making an ass of myself. No longer will I be the naïve, charismatic Trigger who’s always there to make sure everyone else is smiling and laughing.
It’s time that I look out for me. Everyone else in my life has someone at their back, but what do I have? I had a woman who used my love for her to make her feel, but in return all I got was the constant wondering if today was going to be the day only to have that day, week, month and year pass with nothing given in return.
I’ve decided it’s time to do what I want and only worry about me. Fuck everyone else who gets in my way of succeeding in making up for nine years of following a woman like a lovesick teenage boy.
Taking charge of my own wants and needs will be exactly that, mine.