Locked In Love by Louisa Line (16)

I’m not really sure how long I have locked myself away for. I know people have come and gone from the door, but I refuse to leave the misery of my bed. What makes it twice as hard is the fact that it still smells of Steve. I know I should change the covers and rip the last of the bandage off but I just can’t do it. I can’t even face turning on my phone for fear of what I might see or read. I also realise what a horrible friend I have been. Claire was only staying for a week and if that time isn’t already up I know it can’t be far off. I just can’t bring myself to care, as caring will mean feeling and I’m done with that. I’m done with life. It can pass me by as I live it out in my little flat with my window.

I snuggle back into the covers and close my eyes. I just want to stay here until the pain has gone. The door has other plans though as the banging starts up again. I pull the covers up over my head as I really can’t handle hearing his voice again. Not only do I hear it when he comes around banging on my door but also in my sleep when I am dreaming of having a normal relationship. It seems so real that my heart shatters every time I wake up and the realisation of my situation returns.

“Don’t be leaving a pregnant hormonal woman outside here! Jess! Let me in now!” I’m startled by the voice of my best friend, but I still can’t muster up the energy to move.

“Look, Jess. I know you’re hurting, but you have to talk to someone. Please, just let me in. Come on, I have to pee!” I manage a weak chuckle at this and before I realise what I’m doing I make my way out of the bedroom and to the door where I am unlocking all the extra locks I have put in place before I walk away and sit down on the sofa. It’s a matter of seconds before I hear a key turning in the lock and my door opening. I sit rigid on the sofa until I hear the door softly close and I then have the courage to turn around. I’m relieved, but yet strangely disappointed to see that it is only Claire standing in the doorway but as I see her a flood of tears well in my eyes and start to flow down my face.

“Oh, Jess,” she says as she rushes towards me and sweeps me into a hug. She then sits herself next to me on the sofa.

“What are you doing?” she asks. I can’t do anything but shake my head. It’s all too raw in my head and my heart to be discussing this. I know she will not leave it alone though. She never has.

“Jess, I’m your best friend. Talk to me. Please.” I shake my head again as I cry harder into her shoulder. Then I say the one thing that I know I can say without damaging my already shattered soul.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? What do you mean sorry?” she asks, confusion evident in her face.

“The baby, badgering you. I shouldn’t have.”

“Oh Jess, let’s not worry about that now, it’s forgotten. It’s you I’m worried about. Here, this was outside the door.” She hands me a small envelope with my name written on the front. I know straight away it’s from Steve. I push it back towards her.

“I can’t,” I say shaking my head.

“Can I?” she asks. I shrug my shoulders, part of me desperate to know what’s going on and the other part terrified of what could be in it. Claire finds a corner that’s open a little and tears the top off the envelope. I’d never realised how much an envelope being torn open sounds like a heart being ripped apart. She turns the envelope upside down and along with a small folded piece of paper a key falls into her hand. It takes me seconds to realise what it is.

“What’s… Oh. Is this?” She doesn’t need to continue as I am already nodding as more tears fall.

“What does it say?” I ask knowing I’m not going to want to hear the answers no matter what it says.

As Claire reads the note tears start to fall down her face.

“I can’t do this,” I say as I rush out of the lounge and back into the bedroom. I sit on the bed as the panic starts to build. Before I know it, I’m fighting for breath and then it all goes dark.

I’m sat by my window looking out at the world and see a small child rush out of the block of flats. It’s strange as I don’t recall ever seeing this child before and think to myself that a new person must have moved in. It’s not long before I see a couple emerge out of the doors and call for the child to stop. They seem oddly familiar as they fuss around the child making sure her coat is done up and she has her scarf wrapped around her neck. The woman starts to turn and begins to look up at the window.

It’s then I am gently shaken from behind and I’m so startled I suddenly jolt upright. I blink a few times until I realise where I am and I’m confused because I’m in my bedroom with Claire gently shaking me.

“You had a panic attack.”

“But I was? The family. I knew them. They…” I blink a few times to ground myself.

“Jess, lay down on the bed. I knew I should have come around sooner.”

“Claire, I saw you. You were… you had a little girl.”

“Jess, did you bang your head?” she points down to her belly, “I’m only just over a month gone.”

“You were with a man. Oh Claire, you were so happy,” I say smiling as I remember my dream.

She responds with “I’m calling a doctor.”

Claire starts to move and the fog starts to lift from my brain.

“Claire. I know it was just a dream, but don’t you see? It’s why I can’t be with Steve.” I bite my lip fighting with all I have inside me to not let the tears come. I know I have to be strong. I know I have to move on.

“Jess, you’re not making any sense.” I can hear the worry in Claire’s voice.

“He is going to wake up one day and realise that he has put his entire life on hold to be with me.”

“On hold? Jess you’re not…” I don’t let her finish.

“Don’t you get it? I can’t get pregnant or have a baby, or even do something as simple as go out for a drink with my boyfriend. I can’t let him do that with his life. He will only end up hating me.”

“Has he said he wants kids?” she asks. I think this over and realise we have never actually discussed it but what’s the point, it will never happen. Not with the amount of drugs I have to take to just live my meaningless existence.

“Doesn’t everyone?” I fire back, “And you know I can’t. I will not and cannot bring a child into this world with the amount of medication I’m on. What type of drugged up mess would that be? And the mother and daughter things?”

“But it’s not forever, Jess,” she pleads.

“How do you know?” The question is left hanging there like a giant white elephant in the room and then I get my answer as Claire embraces me in a hug and I lose my battle as the tears start to fall.

“I don’t think I can actually cry anymore,” I say with a forced smile on my face. Claire just sits with me while I cry on her shoulder and then sob into my pillow.

“When did you last eat?” she asks.

I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“Right I’m making you soup and then you are going to get yourself cleaned up. I can’t leave while you’re like this.” She gets up and walks into the kitchen. I can hear her opening and shutting doors and then it hits me.

“Claire, what day is it?” I have a sudden fear I already know the answer but hope that my calculations are wrong.

“It’s Friday. I can see we are going to have to order in. Do you know how empty your cupboards are?”

I’m just about to reply when the buzzer sounds for the intercom. I start to shake as Claire walks back into the room.

“Should I get… Oh crap. Jess what’s up?” she asks as she looks over at me.

“I can’t get it,” I say shaking, “Please?”

“Sure, but what…” You can see the moment Claire realises why I am shaking as without another word she leaves the bedroom and from what I can hear answers the buzzer. I jump up and shut the bedroom door. Feeling only slightly better that there is a barrier between me and my delivery.

I wait. My eyes fixed on the door. I hear Claire talking but it’s muffled and I cannot make out what she is saying. It seems like forever before there is a gentle knock on the door.

“Jess, it’s me. Can I come in?” The breath I hadn’t realised I had been holding in is released as I register Claire’s voice. The handle turns and she walks in.

“It wasn’t him,” she says in a soft voice, “James is back.” I feel a sudden stab in my heart and have to remind myself that I was the one that did this and that I only have myself to blame.

“Good,” I say. I don’t actually mean it at all but know I have to start believing it.

“Jessica, you don’t have to be brave in front of me,” she says softly.

“No, but I do for me,” I reply as I get up and go into the kitchen to make us something to eat.

We have finished our soup and I have just got out of the shower that Claire insisted I took. I’ve put on a fresh pair of PJ’s and am now wandering back into the living room.

“You look a little better,” Claire says looking over at me with a weak smile. I only wish I felt better. If only a shower could wash away these feelings. At least I did it now before it hurt even more when he did it to me later.

“I feel it,” I lie.

“The guy said he hadn’t seen Steve in work for a few days.”

“Claire!” I warn, not wanting to talk about it, “I’ve told you why. Now drop it.”

“Fine, it’s dropped. But I am going to have to leave in a few days and I don’t want to leave you like this.” Tears form in her eyes as she speaks.

“I’ll be fine,” I lie, wishing I could believe it myself.