Tuesday 29th August
It’s been a little over a month since I split with Steve and I still have a pain in my stomach every time I think about him. I keep being told it will get easier, but I really don’t know when this is meant to happen. Of course, I tell Claire how I am doing better. I’m not totally sure Claire believes me but she doesn’t argue. Just like I don’t ask about ‘The Twat’ since we have found our conversations are much happier and back to their normal jokey ways if we don’t. Of course, I fake my smiles and my laughs. I’m not sure I will ever be able to smile or laugh for real ever again. A part of me was lost the day I lied to Steve and sent him on his way. At least I can now think about him without crying. Well, most of the time.
I have been trying to keep myself busy and the therapy has been going well. Having a more positive attitude has played a large part in this. Although, it has to be said, my relationship with Steve helped too. I even managed to open the door to the postman yesterday. A small victory! I can’t wait to tell Claire about it when she phones today.
I’m sat on the sofa reading since I have found it a healthier way of spending my time than sitting in front of the window longing for the outside world. I hear a distant ringing and realise it’s my phone. I put the book down and search around the living room. I know I had it in here yesterday. I finally find it buried under a pile of paperwork I had been going through for work. I pick it up but don’t recognise the number so throw it back down a little frustrated before going back to my book. A few minutes later it rings again but seeing it’s the same number I continue to ignore it.
By the fifth time of ringing I’m beginning to get a little curious so I decide to bite the bullet and answer.
“Hello?”
“Oh, Jess, thank god.”
“Claire?” It sounds like her but what worries me is the hint of panic I can hear in her voice.
“Claire, is everything OK? The baby?” I start to feel the panic in my chest.
“No Jess, the baby is fine, but I need to tell you something.” The tone in her voice is scaring me a little so I sit up and give her my full attention.
“Claire, what’s going on?” I can hear the panic starting to build in my own voice.
“Something… Jess, please don’t get mad.”
“What? Why would I be mad?” I’m confused and find myself getting a little frustrated. “Claire, just tell me. What have you done?” I demand.
“I’m sorry. But I knew you would regret it one day so I had to do it.” Do what? I really don’t know what she is talking about but I keep quiet waiting to hear what she has to say.
“It… it’s Steve!” My heart stops and my stomach falls to the floor as my whole world comes crashing down around me. I knew he would move on one day, but how would Claire know? I’m too scared to speak for fear of what might happen if I do, so I stay quiet waiting to hear the inevitable.
“I’ve been keeping in touch with him to see how he was doing. He’s not been good, Jess.” These words break me and the tears come. I thought I was doing him a favour. I thought he would just move on.
“Why are you telling me this now?” I find my voice and somehow it sounds a lot stronger than I thought it would. Is she trying to hurt me? Oh God! Was I right all along and she is telling me that they’ve got together?
“Jess… There’s been an accident.”
I drop the phone in shock. I can hear her calling my name, but I can’t pick it up as I am frozen in fear. I’ve lost him, I know I have. I hear a shout come through the line as I pick the phone up again.
“What happened? Is he…” I can’t finish as tears stream down my face.
“He’s at the hospital, Jess. I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but…” I don’t let her finish.
“Which hospital?” I all but scream down the line at her. Claire gives me the details and I hang up not waiting to hear what else she has to say. Without thinking, I grab my coat and my shoes and I’m out the front door. I get to the elevator and press the button. It’s taking far too long. I need to get out as soon as possible.
It’s not until I am in the elevator that I realise the enormity of what I have just done and my breathing starts to become agitated. I’m in the elevator! I close my eyes and try to control my breathing. I have to be able to do this. I breathe in for four and out again and by some stroke of luck my breathing begins to return to normal. It helps that I imagine Steve’s voice as it has become my go to, to stop the panics. I make it to the bottom of the elevator and as the doors open I am relieved to see that the entrances to the flat seem clear. I pause wondering what to do next. I don’t have a clue what I am going to do now. I don’t drive and I know there is no way I am going to be able to get on public transport. I sit myself down on the floor next to the elevator and rest my back and head against the wall. I take in deep breaths reassuring myself I can do this.
“Are you OK?” I look up to see a woman I have seen from a distance through the window before standing right in front of me. I shake my head and fight back the tears threatening to spill.
“Do you need something? Water? I can call someone,” she asks. I shake my head again.
“I need to get to the hospital,” I manage to whisper, just about holding it together.
“Are you hurt?” I can hear the worry in the woman’s voice which calms me a little so I can look up at her properly.
“No, it’s a friend,” I reply quietly. I’m not totally sure she’s heard me until she replies.
“Oh. I’m sorry.” She holds out her hand to me “Let’s get you a taxi, you’ll be fine in a taxi, right?” A taxi of course. I take her hand and she leads me to the front doors of the flats. I pause, feeling the anxiety beginning to build. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a taxi and I’m not sure this is going to work. Can I really do this? The woman stops with me.
“You OK?” she asks, concern written all over her face.
“Panic attacks,” I manage to breathe out.
“Oh, shit. What can I do to help?” she asks as I realise I have found a true Samaritan.
“Talk to me,” I breathe out slowly.
“Oh, OK, umm. So, I’m Angie”
“Jessica,” I say as we edge nearer to the door.
“Hi Jessica. I um, oh god I can normally talk for England and now someone has asked me to, my mind has gone completely blank,” Angie blurts out as we head outside, “Oh look, we are nearly there. Come on Jessica you are doing so well.” Somehow, all of this is working and I can see we are getting closer and closer to the doors.
“That’s it, you’re doing great,” Angie says with a friendly smile which makes me think to myself how nice she is. I take time to look at her properly as we get nearer to the door. She is still rabbiting away to me which is helping no end. She is about my age and I can’t help but wonder whether if things were different, we would have been friends.
I am then placed inside a taxi and Angie has told the driver where to take me. I had obviously told her at some point in our journey but I was so busy trying to focus on what she was saying that I couldn’t remember anything I had said to her.
I don’t feel so bad in the taxi when I realise I am in an enclosed space and as I close my eyes I can imagine that I am actually not in a taxi but at home in my safe flat where I belong. By the time the taxi gets us to the hospital I have managed to calm down enough to pay him but getting out of the taxi is a little harder than I expected. I place my hand on the handle, but can’t find the strength to open it.
“You OK there, miss?” the driver asks and I realise I am taking far too long. When I don’t answer, he starts to get a little frustrated. “Come on I have other fares to go to,” he says tetchily. I take a deep breath and open the door, thanking the driver for being so understanding in spite of my lunatic behaviour. I look around and see that he has dropped me just outside the main entrance which to my dismay is horrendously busy. I close my eyes and pull in a deep breath. ‘I can do this! I have to do this!’ I take a small step forward and start to shake. I look towards the door and try to focus on just that. I take another small step and then another, my eyes not leaving my destination spot. It’s slow progress, but I eventually get to the door, it opens and as I step through I collapse to the floor.
There is movement all around me and I register a nurse taking my vitals. I push her away.
“I’m fine,” I say as she approaches me again.
“Miss, you collapsed. We need to check you are OK.” I explain to her about my panic attacks and I am ushered into a small cubicle where the curtains are drawn. I instantly breathe out, as I feel a little better now that the rest of the world has been shut away.
“Is that better?” the nurse asks and I nod my head giving her a weak smile.
“Thank you,” I reply. I sit on the bed as the nurse comes up to my side and takes my hand.
“What brings you here?” she asks.
“My boyfri… A friend of mine is in here. He was involved in some type of accident and I have to find him. I have to tell him it was all a lie. I have to put things right.” Tears stream down my face as I realise how stupid I have been, pushing away the only man I have ever loved. The only man who has ever loved me.
“OK sweetie,” the nurse says. After I give her his name and a few other details she asks me to stay put and says she will return when she has some details for me. I thank her and close my eyes willing myself to have the strength to do this.
I feel like I’ve been waiting an eternity for the nurse to return, but when I look at the clock I realise it could only have been five minutes at the most. The curtain opens and the nurse walks in. A tear runs down my face as my mind is in overdrive about the things that could have happened. I try to read her face, but I can’t read anything on it.
“I’ve found him,” she says softly and I instantly think the worst.
“I’m too late,” slips out of my mouth before I register the smile on her face.
“No sweetie. He is a very lucky fella your… friend. If you’re ready I can take you to him.” The tears start again as I nod my head, but these are happy tears. Steve is alive and that’s all I care about. Alive means I can put things right, or at least try to.
The nurse leads me down corridor after corridor. Thankfully, they are pretty much deserted. We stop at a door marked ‘D ward.’
“He’s just in there. The second door as you walk in. Will you be OK from here?” I nod my head and thank her as she gives me a small squeeze of my hand and a reassuring smile before she walks back the way she came.
I take a minute to compose myself before I slowly open the door. I peer around it to see a fairly empty ward. I look for the second door and locate it a few steps ahead of me. I can just make out through the small window in the door a figure sitting on the bed. With a deep breath, I push the door the rest of the way and walk in. I get to the second door and stop and wonder what I should do. Should I knock? Just walk in? I decide on the first and gently tap three times on the door.
“Come in,” I hear weakly from inside. The sound of his voice brings my hand to a stop as I am about to push the door open. I thought I would never hear it again and it is like music to my ears. I push the door open and take in the sight before me. Steve is topless sitting on the edge of his bed and I have never seen him look so good. I can’t help but rush towards him and throw my arms around him in a hug. He flinches and it’s then I take in the scratches and cuts across his face and his arm in a sling.
“Sorry,” I say as I jump back.
“Jess? What? How?” I can see the confusion all over his face, but what alarms me even more is that that is all I see.
“Claire told me,” I say as I start to back up towards the door, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.” I turn before he can see the tears as I realise how stupid I have been. Why would he want to see me after all this time? I make it two steps before the sound of Steve’s voice stops me.
“Jess. Stop. Please, turn around.” I shake my head. I can’t bear to face what he is going to say to me or take the look of rejection I am certain he’ll give me. I hear a gentle thud on the floor followed by footsteps coming towards me. One, two, before I am spun around to face him and captured in a kiss.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he says as he pulls away and then quickly captures my mouth again before I can reply.
When we pull apart the second time he leads me over to the bed and motions for me to sit with him.
“How did you get here, Jess?” he asks confusion written all over his face, but this time I think I can see a hint of something else. Concern?
“What happened to you?” I ask lifting my hand and gently running it over the more minor scratches on his face, “I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to tell you the truth. That I had hurt you and would never be able to put things right.” More tears stream down my face as I frantically try to brush them away. I need to say my piece before I lose my nerve and these tears are not helping me at all.
“There was no one else. I was scared. I read how much fun you and Claire were having when you were having drinks together and I realised how we could never do that. I could never do that. I can’t even leave the house and you deserved so much more. You deserved a proper relationship and I just couldn’t give you that.” I lower my head refusing to look at him. He touches my chin and lifts my head to meet his eyes.
“It was a proper relationship, Jess. I never needed anything else. I only went for the drink because you wanted me to. You are all I have ever wanted. You were enough.”
“Were?” I ask biting my lip. He runs a finger over my mouth and pulls my lip away from my teeth.
“That all depends!” he says and my stomach drops. I’ve left it too long, “Am I enough for you?” he asks looking me straight in the eyes.
“You are all I have ever wanted,” I reply meaning every word as I hold his gaze. We embrace once more as he captures me in another kiss. This one is different though, this one holds promise of things to come.
We are interrupted by a cough in the doorway.
“Sorry to interrupt,” a nurse says smiling shyly as she walks through the door, “I’ve got to take some vitals before the doctor comes around again to check on you.” I move off the bed and sit on the chair as the nurse does her thing. Ten minutes later she has finished and helps Steve put his t-shirt back on. I can’t help wishing that she hadn’t. I could stare at that body all day, which I realise is totally inappropriate considering where we are.
“What happened?” I ask as the nurse leaves the room.
“Car skipped a light and crashed into the side of me. I’ve dislocated my shoulder and the cuts and scratches are from the glass shattering.”
“I thought I had lost you. I’m so sorry,” I apologise as the tears start again.
Steve hops off the bed and kneels in front of the chair.
“It’s OK. I don’t understand, but it’s OK. We can work through this.” He gently holds my face.
“But…”
“No ‘buts’ this time, beautiful.” My heart soars at the use of the nickname he gave me. I didn’t think I would ever hear it again. “You are mine and nothing is going to change that. You can try to hide or shut me out, but I will find you and be there for you. You are it for me.” I smile but know there is still the white elephant in the room.
“What about my anxiety?” I ask looking away.
“Jess, look where you are! Look what you have accomplished in one day!” I take in for the first time properly where I am and what I have gone through to get here and I start to laugh.
“I knew from the moment I met you, you had some type of hold over me,” I say as I gently kiss his cheek, “I never felt as anxious with you as I did with other people that came to my door.”
“Well you will just have to keep me around then, won’t you?” he replies as he gently kisses the top of my head and then my cheek before moving around to my mouth.
“Sounds perfect,” I reply as we come up for air.
“So, how exactly did you get here?” he asks as we wait for the doctor to come and do his rounds. We have moved to the bed and he is lying on his good side hugging me. I tell him about Angie and he confesses to knowing her as he has delivered to her a few times over the last few weeks and we both agree that we will have to do something nice for her. I tell him about the taxi and finally the nurse that was so helpful in the hospital. Just as I finish there is a knock at the door and the doctor walks in.
The doctor looks Steve over before he starts to talk.
“You need to rest that shoulder for a while, and since the airbag deployed, you will need to be monitored for 24 hours, but I can see you will be in good hands.” The doctor smiles over at me. “I’ll just sign these papers and you’re free to go.”
“Thank god for that!” Steve says as the doctor leaves the room, “come on, let’s get you home.” He says as he takes my hand and leads me to the door. I hesitate as we reach the door making Steve stop. “I’ve got you, beautiful, now close your eyes and lean into me. Listen to my voice and we will be home before you realise.” I do as he says and before I know what is happening I am met with a cool breeze across my face. As Steve keeps talking to me I am placed in a taxi and then Steve sits next to me and gives the driver my address.
It’s as if we are in sync as every time I begin to feel the panic rise he is there whispering in my ear, telling me how great I am doing and in this moment, I know that no matter how selfish I am, I can never let this man go.
We pull up outside my flat and Steve pays the driver before I have even registered we have stopped. I am gently pulled out of the taxi and into the building. He has been holding my hand the entire time and as he presses for the elevator I feel as if a part of me is missing.
“I love you,” I say as the elevator doors open and we step inside, “I never stopped loving you,” I continue as I am captured in a kiss.
As the doors open he once again takes my hand and leads me to my front door.
“Home, as promised,” he says as he kisses my head and let’s go of my hand so I can find the door key. I unlock the door and start to move into the flat, but stop as I realise he isn’t following. I turn quickly.
“You coming?” I ask as I move towards him.
“I’m not sure I should.” I go cold. Was it all just an act to get me back to the house? I take a deep breath and fight back the tears saying the only thing that comes into my head.
“But the doctor said…”
“Jess, if I stay tonight. I may never leave.”
“That’s fine by me,” I reply as I pull him into the flat and lock the door behind me.