I COULD GET USED TO waking up next to Adam. That thought alone frightened me. I had never slept next to another person, although I was sure that my parents must have laid my brother and me down for naps together on occasion.
That was different, however.
After eating my fill of pizza, the food, beer, and exhaustion quickly overtook me, and I fell asleep in Adam’s lap. I don’t know how long I was asleep, only that at some point, Adam roused me long enough to slide out from under me and go into the kitchen to put the leftover pizza in the refrigerator. I was still half asleep when he gently shook my shoulder and said, “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
Groggy with sleep, I remember shuffling over to the bed, I almost literally fell into it and slid to the edge closest to the wall.
“I can go if you w—”
I rolled to him. “No. Stay.”
I surprised even myself by saying that. No thought had gone into it, it was just a gut reaction. Adam gave a happy little grin and peeled his jeans off. Sliding into bed, he pulled the covers over us and spooned me from behind, draping one arm over me and sliding the other under my pillow and head. His leg was casually slung over me, and I was effectively held in place. I was actually surprised I wasn’t uncomfortable, trapped. Instead, I felt protected for the first time in a very long time. His words echoed in my head—fantastic together—as I sank into his protective wall. I could feel the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest against my back as he breathed, and I found it soothing.
I don’t know how long I slept like that. I can only assume through the night. When I woke up, I felt more…alive than I had in a long time. Somehow, I had made it through the night without any nightmares, and I quickly attributed it to Adam’s presence.
My eyes opened slightly and I rolled onto my back, and found him raised on one elbow, head perched on his hand. He reached across and brushed a stray hair from my face before leaning into me and kissing my forehead. “Morning.”
I croaked out, “Morning.”
He gave a little chuckle.
“Sleep okay?” I asked.
“Like a rock.”
His response filled me with a certain amount of pride, and I wasn’t sure why. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. I snuggled into his chest, feeling his soft chest hair rub across my shoulder. He rolled onto his back, and I lay my head on his chest. His heartbeat soothed me even more than his embrace. He wrapped his arm around me, bringing his hand up to rest on the top of my head, and casually drawing over my ear with his finger.
We lay like that for a while. Periodically, he’d stop and lean down to kiss the top of my head, and every time he did, my heart gave a little flutter.
“Are you okay with what we did last night?” There was a certain amount of trepidation in his voice when he asked, like he was scared of how I would answer. After my meltdown the previous night, I couldn’t blame him. If I were in his position, I would have been concerned too.
I shifted, snuggling in closer, as if that were possible, and kissed his chest. “I’m fine with it. Better than fine, in fact.”
I heard and felt him give a contented sigh, like my answer had allowed at least some of that hesitancy to dissipate.
“You’re off today, right?”
“I am.”
“Do you have any plans?” The hesitancy was back, but not as strong.
“Just grocery shopping.”
“Taking the bus?”
“Yeah.”
“Let me take you.”
I leaned up, resting my chin on his chest. “You don’t have to. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do. Like see Lucas.”
“You could come with me.”
“To see Lucas?” It wasn’t like I hadn’t met his nephew before, I had when we decorated the kid’s hospital room. But I was hesitant. Would Lucas, or Ryan for that matter, question what I was doing visiting with Adam? How awkward would that be? “I’m not sure that’s a very good idea.”
He seemed crestfallen at that. “Why not?”
“He needs to spend time with you. I’d be in the way.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” He took a deep breath, then added, “I want you to get to know them.”
Surprised is an understatement. He had said that he wasn’t going anywhere, and there was a large part of me that wanted to believe him, but words and actions were two separate things. He could say it all he wanted, but that didn’t make it true. Getting to know the family seemed like a big step, at least to me. Especially given my familial history.
But despite my caution, I was also thrilled at the prospect. Maybe I wasn’t alone in how I was feeling for him.
“I can take you grocery shopping, then we can visit with Lucas, and then we can hang out.”
“You don’t have—”
“I want to. Besides, you can get more in my truck than you can taking the bus.”
He had a point, and for the life of me, I couldn’t come up with a counterargument. “Okay. Let me grab a quick shower, then we can head out.”
The grin that spread across his face lit me up inside, like I had given him the best gift when in fact, he was giving me one.
I crawled across him, pausing to lie across him, chest to chest. He wrapped his arms around me and held me in place. I leaned into him until the tips of our noses touched and said, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Everything.” And I meant more than just the ride to the store. I meant the night before, the patience he showed during my meltdown, and the way he took care of me. I leaned in further until our lips touched and kissed him, hoping to put everything I meant and everything that I was feeling into that one simple act.
He kissed me back as if he understood.
We made a stop at Adam’s place first. He hadn’t brought a change of clothes with him the night before and wanted to get a shower and changed.
I felt out of place the moment we walked into the condo. A sprawling, three-bedroom affair with the kitchen and dining room to the right of the entrance and living room to the left. A hall led to two bedrooms off the left and a bedroom and bathroom on the right. The condo was massive, especially when I compared it to the studio I lived in.
My old doubts and insecurities immediately wormed their way into my brain. What was I doing there? What did Adam see in me that he would want to spend time with me, to bring me along when he had all of this? What could I possibly have to offer to him that he didn’t already have?
Why me?
Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Adam tossed his keys onto the dining room table and went to the refrigerator. He pulled a bottle of water out. “Want anything?”
It took a moment to find my voice. “Water’s fine.”
He pulled another bottle out and stepped up to me, handing me the bottle. Twisting the cap on his, he took a long pull and swallowed. “Just gonna be a minute. You can hang out here, or, my room’s at the end on the right. You can wait for me there.”
I glanced at the black leather couch. “I’ll just wait here.”
He took another drink from the bottle. “Okay.”
I took a seat on the couch as he walked down the hall.
The condo was tastefully decorated, in primarily blacks and whites. Both the couch and recliner were covered in the same black leather. The entertainment center, also black, took up one entire wall opposite the couch and recliner. The place gave off a very masculine vibe, and yet it didn’t seem to fit what I knew about Adam.
I heard keys in the entry lock, and a quick surge of panic coursed through me. Ryan walked in, looking fresh from a jog and seemingly unaware of my presence. He closed the door behind him and stepped into the dining room. It was only then that he saw me. He blinked once, twice, before saying, “David?”
I tried to smile at him, but I’m sure my embarrassment showed through. “Hey, Ryan.”
He tossed his keys onto the table, next to his brother’s. “What’re you doing here?”
I glanced back down the hall in the direction of the bathroom. I could hear the water from the shower. “Adam’s showering, then we’re going to run some errands.”
He blinked again, like he was trying to process.
“I can wait for him in his room if you’d like,” I said as I stood.
He waved me off saying, “No, no. It’s fine.”
Slowly, I sat back onto the couch.
“I wanted to talk to you anyway, and now seems like as good a time as any.”
Oh crap! This can’t be good.
He came over and sat at the other end of the couch from me. “It’s good to see you.”
I glanced down at my knees, nerves getting the better of me. “Thanks, you too.”
“So…um…I wanted to thank you.”
That was unexpected.
“Thank me? I don’t know what you mean.”
“No, you probably don’t. For Adam. I want to thank you for what you’re doing for Adam.”
I was completely confused. “I haven’t done anything for Adam, really. He’s actually done more for me.” More than I deserve.
“No, I think you’re wrong. You just don’t see it.” Then he sighed. “Adam’s always been…protective when it came to me.”
I nodded. I was already aware of that. Adam had told me himself.
“Sometimes, I wondered if maybe that wasn’t to his own detriment. I mean, I appreciated it, but he spent so much time looking out for me that I wondered what he did for himself. Honestly, there was a part of me that was happy when he joined the Marines. Not because I wanted him gone or in any danger, but because he was finally doing something for himself. But then he came home, and not long after that, Lucas got sick. And Adam was back to doing what he always did, looking out for me. I know it wears on him. And the last thing I ever wanted was for him to make his life a second priority over mine. But I think it’s second nature to him, almost instinctual, like breathing.”
I could understand what he was saying. I too had seen that protective side to Adam. And, if I were being honest with myself, it frightened me. I never wanted to become too dependent on that side of him. Becoming reliant on someone else meant that you were left floundering when they finally left. I also didn’t want that to be the basis for whatever relationship he and I were developing.
“But then he met you,” Ryan continued. “And, yes, that protective side is still there, sometimes overly so. But he’s also happy. Happier than I’ve ever seen him. He talks about you constantly, and I’m actually surprised it’s taken him this long to bring you around.”
I felt my face warm. Adam talked about me? To his brother?
“If I’m being honest, that’s probably my fault.”
“How so?”
“I’ve just been…nervous.”
“To meet the boyfriend’s family.”
That word, boyfriend, ricocheted through my brain. Was that what we were? Sure, we talked a lot, texted even more, had been out on a few dates, and the previous night had been nothing short of incredible. We had yet to define what it was we were doing, and somehow, I felt that I was the one responsible for that. Adam had been nothing but patient and understanding with me, never holding back unless he sensed I needed him to. But boyfriends? I mentally tried the word on, awareness slowly creeping up to me that we fit the very definition.
Adam was my boyfriend. The dawning realization terrified me and made me giddy at the same time. Somehow, through all of the mess that my life had become, someone had taken the time to tunnel through, and I was more than glad that it was Adam.
“He’s never really been in a relationship, ” Ryan continued. “At least, none that I’m aware of. He spent so much time looking out for me that I think he kind of forgot to take care of himself.”
Without even being aware, a smile crept across my face. I was aware of Adam’s need to protect his brother, but for Ryan to admit it made it all the more real. I could feel the love and admiration Ryan had for his brother, along with his desire for Adam to be happy. Ryan saw my smile, and gave me one of his own.
“He’ll make mistakes. But I know my brother. He has a good heart, and when he cares for someone, he’d do anything in his power for them.”
That much I had already seen. Beyond his offer for today, he had shown me incredible patience and understanding. He never rushed me, but I was always aware that he was there.
“Listen, you have nothing to be nervous about. If he weren’t happy, that would be an entirely different story. But the fact is, he is happy. You make him happy. So, I just wanted to say thank you.”
I blushed again, unused to having someone say those kinds of things to me.
By then, I could hear the shower turn off in the distance. Apparently, Ryan heard it as well because he patted my leg as he stood. “I’m gonna jump into the shower now that he’s done. I’m gross.”
He made his way toward the hallway and paused. Turning to me, he said, “David, you’re always welcome here. I hope you know that.”
I favored him with a smile, although I knew it was weak. With that, he continued down the hall to what I presumed to be his room.
I sat on the couch and my head began to spin. Questions jumbled inside, all wanting answers. Ryan’s reaction to my invasion of his home had not been expected. Nor was the conversation, albeit one-sided, that we had just had. The last thing I had expected from him was a show of kindness, although I don’t know why. He hadn’t but nice to me before. He had enough going on in his life with his son that the last thing he had needed to do was worry about the comfort of a virtual stranger. And yet there he had been, not only offering words of advice in regard to Adam, but also showing support for the relationship his brother and I had started to develop.
I had never seen myself as boyfriend material. I was too fucked up with too much baggage. What would anyone see in me? But, as I allowed my thoughts to drift, I realized that Adam did see something. What, I couldn’t say. I tried to see myself the way I thought he saw me, and came up empty.
Loneliness had become a second skin to me, an armor against the hurt that I knew firsthand could be inflicted by people. I had spent years fortifying that armor and thought it was impenetrable. And yet, Adam had found a chink in that armor, and whether he knew it or not, he had found his way in. He had come to mean a great deal to me within those past few weeks. I hadn’t realized how much until the conversation with Ryan. I thought about him constantly. I thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent with each other, either on the phone or in person. He showed me in ways that I had never been shown before that he truly cared for me. And that notion alone terrified and confused me.
Footsteps from behind me pulled me from my thoughts. I turned as Adam strode down the hall in my direction, dressed in a graphic T and black jeans, one end of a towel draped over his shoulder as he used the other end to dry his still-wet hair.
Something bloomed inside me, unfamiliar and warm, and wrapped me in a cocoon, not unlike my armor. But where my armor had been dark and heavy, this was bright and light. That warmth spread the closer he got to me. I knew that I had felt dead inside, simply going through life one day at a time without actually living. Being with Adam made me want to live.
He dropped the end of the towel he’d been holding, and gave me a look of curiosity. I stood from the couch and met him halfway into the living room.
“Did I hear Ryan?”
“You did,” I said, as I draped my arms over his shoulders, feeling the dampness of the towel as it soaked through my shirt.
His eyes narrowed. “You look funny. You okay? Did he say something?”
I grinned, and that time, I felt it to my very core. I hoped he felt it too. “Yeah. I am,” I said, as I leaned in and kissed him. I wasn’t good at expressing myself with words, they often got me into trouble when I was younger. So I tried to pour everything that I was thinking, everything that I was feeling, into that one kiss. I wanted him to know my thoughts and feelings even if I couldn’t say them, and I prayed he got the message.