CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Who’s winning?” Kurt asked as he threw himself down on the couch beside Burke.
Burke stared blankly at the television screen. “The robots,” he said after a few seconds. “I think.” Some loud, ridiculous action movie was playing. It had been commercials when he sat down. What was he watching?
“Cool.” Kurt handed Burke a beer and settled in. Propping his boots up on the coffee table, he took a long pull at his own beer.
On the screen, a robot snatched a weapons-blazing helicopter out of the sky and flung it across a busy city street. Tiny humans ran screaming.
Wasn’t going to do them any good.
“Burke? Burke.”
“Huh?”
Kurt removed the sweating bottle from Burke’s slack grip and put it on the coffee table. “Where’s your head at, man?”
A twenty-minute drive away, in Lila’s house, where he was imagining all her stuff packed up in boxes.
She took the job in Seattle, Derek had informed Burke with great indignation. Derek had taken it very personally, and seemed astonished that Lila had gone through with it after all.
She took the job, and her house was for sale.
Burke, indulging the deep masochistic streak he had until recently been unaware of, had driven past her house the same day Derek had broken the unwelcome news.
He’d regretted it the moment he’d turned down her street and seen the sign planted on her front lawn.
He hadn’t gone back.
Kurt grabbed Burke’s knee and shook it. “C’mon, buddy. Talk to me.”
Burke rubbed both hands over his face, rough stubble scraping his palms. He cleared his throat. “Got a lot to think about, that’s all,” he said. “With the move and everything. Thanks again for putting us up.”
“It’s the move that’s bothering you? That’s all?”
“Yep.”
“Nothing to do with the fact Lila’s leaving town next week?”
Burke’s head snapped around to Kurt. “Next week?”
“I don’t know the date. Trying for a reaction. That woke you up, didn’t it?”
“Asshole.”
“I’m the asshole? Why the fuck are you letting her go, Burke?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Did you two fight?”
“No.”
“Then I don’t get it.”
“You don’t have to. What with it being none of your business.”
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. It is my business. I’m making it my business.”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m distracted, not depressed. It’ll all be fine in a few weeks.”
“Other than David, I’ve never seen you care about anything as much as you care about Lila. And I don’t understand how you can stand back and let her go. It doesn’t make sense.”
“Lila and me together, that’s what doesn’t make sense. And I’m not ‘letting’ her go. No one ‘lets’ Lila do anything. I’m simply refraining from holding her back.”
“Fuck me,” Kurt said, thumping back against the couch in frustration. “Are you being noble?”
Burke scowled, but didn’t have time to reply. The front door opened and banged shut with David’s usual heedless enthusiasm. He came into the living room and gazed at Kurt and Burke on the couch.
David put his hands on his hips, and blew out a breath. “Okay. I have something to say, and you can’t get mad.”
Burke and Kurt stared at him.
“This is gonna be good,” Kurt muttered, and sipped his beer.
“What did you do?” Burke asked.
“My intentions were pure.”
Kurt started laughing.
“David,” Burke said warningly.
David rolled his lips. “I was trying to help, and it obviously didn’t work because I didn’t see her car outside.”
Burke’s heart sank. “Whose car?” He knew whose car. Lila’s car.
“Um, Lila’s?”
“Why would Lila’s car be outside?”
“I thought she’d come over.”
“And she’d come over because…?”
“I’m not super sure about that bit, but she was pretty mad when I left hers, so probably for some yelling?”
“David! Why would Lila come over here to yell? And would she be yelling at me? Or him?” Burke hitched a thumb at Kurt, who stopped laughing abruptly.
“Wait,” Kurt said. “I didn’t do anything. She hasn’t got anything to yell at me for.”
“David.”
“Don’t freak out,” David said. “It’s just…it’s possible that I might have let slip about your testicles.”
Kurt choked on his beer and turned wide eyes in Burke’s direction.
Burke sighed. “Is it possible? Or did it happen?”
“Yeah, it happened. Lila already gave me the lecture about sharing your personal medical information. I have been chastised. But, uh. Well, you should know that she seemed madder at you than me.”
Great.
“She didn’t come over, then? She ran out of her house like she was on a mission. Kinda expected she’d come here, shout at you a bit, you guys would have make-up sex and then you’d marry her and it’d all be good.”
Kurt and Burke stared at David.
“God, I miss being young and stupid,” Kurt said.
“Not sure I was ever this stupid,” Burke said.
“Hey. Right here, guys.”
They both shook their heads.
“At least I tried,” David said, and flounced out.
Kurt gave it about three whole seconds before he turned to Burke. “I gotta ask. You know that, right?”
Burke grunted.
“Why would David go over to Lila’s house and discuss your testicles?”
Burke leaned forward and rested his arms on his thighs. Then he clasped his hands over the back of his neck. “He’s got it in his head that the reason Lila and I aren’t running hand in hand to the courthouse right this second is because I can’t give her children.”
Kurt was silent for a beat. “Oh,” he said.
“Yeah.”
“You never said anything.”
Burke pinned Kurt with a glare. “Exactly how often do we sit around discussing our manly potency, Kurt?”
“Fair point.”
“Yeah.”
Kurt fidgeted, his eyes on Burke’s lap.
“Hey,” Burke said sitting back and widening his legs. “You want a look?”
“Yes.”
“Well you can’t. That was sarcasm. Goddammit, Kurt.” He squeezed his legs closed.
“I’m sorry! I’m imagining all sorts of shit. Do you still have them? Do you have both? Were you in an accident?” He winced. “Are they—”
“Yes, I still have my nuts! They’re perfectly normal! They don’t…fuck…they just don’t work so good. All right? David had the mumps when he was a toddler. Mike was out of town, I was looking after him. I got infected and it messed shit up. It happens. It’s not common, but it can happen. I have a low sperm count, as in rock bottom, and thanks, buddy, for making me say that one out loud.”
“I’m here for you, Burke.” Kurt clapped him on the back. “And it’s low, right? Low is not no.”
“Really? You want to discuss this?”
“Have you discussed it with anyone else?”
Burke gritted his teeth. “Oddly enough, it almost never comes up in conversation.”
“You’re defensive. I get that. I was asking if you’re in a support group, or if you ever got a second opinion, or a recent opinion, that sort of thing.”
“A support group? Where I sit around and share my emotions with strangers? Have you met me?”
“Stupid question. Withdrawn. But the second opinion? How long has it been since you had them, uh, counted?”
“How long has it been since you had yours counted?”
“Okay.”
“It isn’t important. It’s not something I’ve even thought about, from one year to the next. I never expected to find someone I wanted to share my life with, or who’d want to share their life with me. I never expected to have any more kids.” He sighed. “I never expected Lila.”
“You’d like kids with Lila?”
“I’d like everything with Lila.”
“Tell her!” Kurt punched his arm.
“That I love her? I already told her.”
“And she’s still going?”
“I told her I didn’t want to love her.”
“Oh, man. You did not. Why the fuck would you do that?”
“Because it’s the truth! I don’t want to love her. I don’t want to hold her back.”
“From what, happiness?”
“From everything she wants! She said before we ever got together that Emerson didn’t have what she was looking for, and she was leaving. She quit her job, she’s selling her house. What am I supposed to do, say please change your mind, and stay with me? Oh, and by the way, it’s extremely unlikely I can give you the kids you want without medical help, which will probably wipe out our finances, and did I mention, we could spend every dime we have on IVF and there’s no guarantee it will ever work?”
“Yes! That! Say it like that.”
“No.”
“Ask her.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“She deserves better than me.”
Kurt shocked Burke by twisting toward him and taking Burke’s face between his hard palms. He held him, firmly, and looked him right in the eye as he said, “Burke. There isn’t any man better than you.”
Burke tried to pull away. Kurt tightened his grip. Feeling awkward with the close, intense eye contact, Burke looked down.
“Look at me,” Kurt said.
“No.”
“Look me in the eye.”
“Cut it out.”
“Look me in the eye, or I will fucking kiss you.”
Burke’s gaze flew up to Kurt’s.
Kurt grinned, triumphant. “There is no one better than you, buddy. There isn’t. I know it. David knows it. Lila knows it. Yes, she does,” he said when Burke snorted.
“Stop touching me.”
“When I’m done. Lila loves you, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. You love her. Give the woman a chance. Ask her. If she says no, I will be here. I will pick up the pieces and I will put you back together. But you cannot let her walk out of your life because you don’t feel good enough for her. That’s Lila’s choice. Let her decide if you’re good enough.”
Burke managed to wrestle free and he scowled at Kurt.
“You have to do it,” Kurt said. “I don’t care what the biggest issue is with you, your testicles or the fact you don’t want to ask someone to give up a job, a location, a dream or whatever to be with you. It doesn’t matter. We both know that Lila is a woman who knows her own mind. Be honest with her. Trust her. Ask her. Or she’s gone.”