Clara
I got out of my car and rushed up the stairwell, almost tripping on the concrete steps, panicked over where Dante was. I’d rung all the numbers I’d been given, only his manager picking up, Mr. Park not knowing where Dante had gone. He’d snuck out without waking me, making me fear he’d taken off to get a drink. He’d been doing so well, staying sober since Kara had dropped off the whiskey. But now... I was terrified he’d fallen off the wagon, or worse, doing it with Kara, guzzling whatever she gave him. Because she was still ringing and turning up to see him, the woman not giving up.
I rushed through the doorway, entering the main foyer of the record label. I crossed the marble floor and headed for the counter, out of breath, and so wound up I could cry. I stopped in front of the receptionist, who was an adorable-looking twenty-something with reddish-brown hair and a bow mouth painted a tawny colour. She also had a scar running down her right cheek. It looked like she’d tried to cover it with foundation, but the raised scar was too prominent to successfully hide. It didn’t make her appear any less adorable, just left a question in my mind as to how she’d gotten it. I just hoped it was from an accident, and not an attack.
“Hi, Josie, is Dante Rata here?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No, but he will be soon.”
My heart leapt. “Did he call?”
She nodded. “He said he had a coupla things to sort out first.”
I exhaled with relief, though I still needed to see him in the flesh, to see that he was safe and sober, not walking in with slurred speech or holding a bottle of booze.
“Is Dante causing you trouble?” Josie asked. “Cos you look proper stressed.”
I grimaced. “He’s usually good, it’s just... He snuck out without telling me, which got me concerned he was up to no good.”
She chuckled. “He usually is up to no good. That’s Dante for ya. Poor Mr. Park’s always running around tryna find him. I’m surprised you haven’t had more issues with him.”
“Still, I’m really sorry.”
She waved a hand at me. “Don’t be silly, you have nuthin’ to be sorry for, plus there’s no point in apologising to me, I’m just a receptionist. And if it makes you feel better, Dante went out with his brother. I wuz just chatting to my cousin ’bout it.”
“Your cousin?”
“Corey Connor. His modelling job got postponed due to some sort of hiccup, so he went to babysit for Dante’s brother.”
“Is he related to Dante’s ex, Beth Connor?”
Her face saddened. “Yes, her brother. I’m their first cousin.” She quickly swivelled around in her chair, bringing a shaky hand to her face.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling bad for mentioning her dying cousin. “I didn’t realise you were related.”
She swivelled back around and waved a dismissive hand at me, giving me a forced smile that didn’t match her shiny hazel eyes. “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.” She indicated to the elevator. “You might as well wait in the studio for Dante. He shouldn’t be long.”
I thanked her and headed for the elevator, stopping at the sound of my name. I turned to see who was calling me, spotting L running towards me in electric-blue knee-high boots. She was also wearing sleek white pants and a loose, flowing blouse with splashes of blue and yellow, reminding me of a Mondrian painting.
She stopped by my side, giving me a brilliant smile, the woman... man... stunning. I’d been told she was intersex, and that she preferred to be called a he, but whenever I saw L, I couldn’t get past her feminine looks. She and her always popped into my head before I could correct myself. I’d tripped up numerous times using feminine pronouns with her, but luckily L never told me off for it, probably because she... he... was used to it.
“Hello, Clara,” she said, brushing her orange and gold mane back. “I noticed you rang me. Sorry I didn’t call you back, I was rather preoccupied. My sister had a baby!”
“Wow! Congratulations.”
She bounced on her heels, looking ecstatic. “I can’t believe I’m an uncle! I’m so happy.”
I smiled, feeling happy for her... him, the word uncle registering. I wondered whether I would ever get used to L using masculine words.
“Anyway,” L said. “What did you want to talk to me about?”
“Oh, it was nothing of importance,” I lied, downplaying my earlier panic. “Josie answered my question.”
L glanced back at the receptionist. “Poor girl, I feel so sorry for her.”
“Why?”
Her face saddened. “She was viciously attacked the same day her cousin got run over, that’s why she has the scar. She also lost another cousin last year, the man missing, presumed dead. So sad, he was only nineteen, while Josie’s not much older. Her and her family have been through hell.”
My gaze flicked to Josie, my heart breaking for her.
L exhaled. “I have so much admiration for that girl. She could be hiding away, too scared to show her face, yet she’s here, dealing with people constantly. Not that she shouldn’t show her face, she’s adorable even with the scar, I just know she’s self-conscious about it.” She waved a hand. “Anyway, enough chatter, I should get to work. Dante’s probably cursing me for not being on time. He doesn’t hold back when he’s annoyed, which he really should. He’s just lucky he’s hot and talented, or he’d be dropped with an attitude like that.”
“Um, he’s not here yet, but he will be soon.”
She scowled. “Well, he should be. It’s almost eleven.”
“He popped out to see his brother.”
“Ash or Sledge?”
“Ash.”
The scowl instantly left her face, the mention of Ash chasing it away. Without another word, she linked arms with me and directed me to the elevator. She pressed the up button, her nails short and tidy, no fancy polish in sight. I didn’t pull away, L always making me feel comfortable, which was unusual, since I didn’t usually like people in my personal space.
She led me into the empty elevator. “I heard things are going really well with you and Dante,” she said, pressing the floor number.
I nodded, unable to hold back my happiness over it. “Yes, we’re getting on wonderfully,” I said, wonderfully a major understatement, the sizzle between us growing by the day. “Dante’s remembering some of our past together.” My smile grew, those memories all good. “We’ve been having long chats about the things we used to enjoy together. It’s sparked some of his memories, not a lot, but enough to make him happy.”
“That’s fantastic.” She winked at me. “Those Rata brothers are right catches. Gorgeous, gorgeous men. Fantastic people too. The best.” Her face went dreamy, L clearly thinking about Ash.
I bit my lip, wondering whether I should say anything, then went for it, knowing life was too short for her to waste away on wistful thinking. “If you love Ash, you should go for it.”
She let go of my arm as though I’d burned her.
I winced, knowing I’d overstepped L’s boundaries. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it’s just... You act around Ash like I act around Dante. And the thing is, Ash smiles at you like Dante smiles at me. You must be very special to get a smile like that, because that man usually looks at people like he wants to rip their heads off. He’s scary with everyone, but with you he turns into a pussycat. That’s got to mean something.”
The elevator stopped, opening onto another reception.
“Follow me,” L said, heading out of the elevator.
I did, hoping I wasn’t going to get a dressing down. She opened the door to her office, indicating for me to enter. I stepped inside, the spacious office overlooking the beautiful blue waters of Auckland Harbour.
I turned to her. “I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault,” she said, closing the door. “You’re right, I do love Ash. But he loves Tiana, the mother of his child.”
“I thought that Beth Connor is the mother.”
“Of his unborn baby, not his ten-year-old.” She brushed her orange and blonde hair back. “Angelo’s such an adorable boy. He’s going to be a heartbreaker like his father.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling sad for her.
“Why are you apologising, there’s no need for it. I accepted a long time ago that I’d never have Ash. He’s been in love with Tiana since we were fifteen. We were all in the same class at Wera High. I fell head over heels the first time I saw him. He walked into the room and I was absolutely thunderstruck.” She shook her head, looking like she was remembering that day, her expression a little lost. “He was so beautiful; I couldn’t take my eyes off him. But he only had eyes for the pretty girls, first Jenna, then Tiana. Never me.”
“But you’re gorgeous.”
She gave me a self-conscious smile. “The problem is I don’t have something he wants.”
“What?”
“A vagina.”
“Oh,” I replied, feeling a touch embarrassed. Although I knew L was intersex, I’d just assumed she had both sexual organs, like a hermaphrodite. After all, she did have breasts.
She continued, “Which is another reason why Ash won’t want me.”
“He still smiles at you like Dante smiles at me, and Dante mentioned you were thinking about having an operation to become purely female.”
She bit her lip. “I want to, but it’s scary, and even if I do it, I still don’t think I have a chance with Ash. When Dante said that Ash should leave Tiana to be with me, I was screaming inside for Ash to listen.” She shook her head. “But I knew he wouldn’t. Ash is intensely loyal. He’s the type of man who’ll want the same woman until he dies. He won’t leave Tiana, even though he should. Don’t get me wrong, Tiana’s lovely, such a sweet woman, but she’s being unfair on Ash. He’s exhausting himself because of her, working himself to the bone just to keep them in a suburb that she wants to live in. And even worse, they’re constantly arguing over the arrival of the new baby. Apparently, Dante’s speech had a huge effect on Ash. He now wants to keep the child, unlike Tiana, who is insisting that it goes to Beth’s parents. I understand why she doesn’t want to raise another woman’s child, but she also needs to consider how much her inflexibility is hurting Ash. And I can’t say a word about it to her, because she knows I love Ash. In fact, the only person who doesn’t know I love Ash is Ash himself.” She let out a dramatic sigh. “He purely sees me as a friend, and thinks I see him in the same way, which is why he believes everyone is just being stupid when they point out I love him. He also treats me like a male, and he’s not interested in men.”
“That’s not what I’ve seen. When you stepped in between him and Dante, he protected you like a man would protect a woman. The way he held you, that wasn’t how a straight male holds another man.”
“Ash isn’t gay, if that’s what you’re inferring.”
I shook my head. “It’s not. What I’m saying, is that he sees you as a woman, and a drop-dead gorgeous one at that.”
A splatter of colour lit up her pale cheeks. “Thank you, but he wants a real woman.”
“You look real to me.”
“As I said earlier, one with a vagina, not a penis.”
Without thought, my eyes dropped to her crotch. I didn’t see a thing, no outline at all. She cleared her throat, pulling my attention back to her face. My own cheeks flamed up, mortified over what I’d done.
She let out an embarrassed laugh. “I know what you’re thinking, but you won’t see it. It’s tiny. My body doesn’t know whether it should be male or female.”
“Do you want the operation even if you don’t get Ash?”
“Yes.” She grimaced. “But again, I’m scared. What happens if something goes wrong and they ruin me down there?”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“That doesn’t alleviate my fears.”
“But if you do it you could possibly get Ash, and don’t say he just sees you as a friend. That smile he gives you is more than a friendly smile.”
“I wish I could agree, but I don’t, and anyway, enough talk about me. We should go to the studio.”
She re-opened the door for me. I stepped through it, stopping in my tracks at the sight of Dante exiting the elevator. A man followed him, his face concealed by a black hood, the jeans he was wearing ripped like Dante’s.
Dante headed straight for us, his smile reaching his eyes. “G’day, ladies!” he said, ushering us back into the room, the hooded guy following. The man closed the door behind him and flipped his hood off, making both L and I gasp.
“What on earth?” I said, looking between the two men. They were identical, even their tattoos the same. But I instantly knew which one was Dante, his cheeky smile unmissable, but... the other man—who was obviously Ash—looked so much like Dante it was surreal.
“Ash, why are you done up like Dante?” L asked, walking towards him. She ran a thumb over the corner of his face tattoo. When it didn’t come off, she licked her thumb and did it again, smudging it.
Grimacing, Ash pushed her hand away and wiped the fake tattoo. “Don’t put your goobs on me.”
L pouted. “You still haven’t answered my question.”
“He did a job for me,” Dante replied for his brother. “Well, it wuz really for Clara.”
“What job?” I asked.
“He dealt with that pussy-fiddler who messed with you.”
“What did he do?” I asked, now worried.
Dante threw a grin at his brother, who was also grinning wickedly. “Ash made him regret touching you.”
“He won’t be shooting cum for a while,” Ash sniggered. “More like blood.”
My face dropped. “What the hell did you do?!”
“Bashed him ’bout a bit. He cried like a baby, even pissed himself. What a pussy.”
“You attacked him while looking like that!” I yelled, indicating to his face. “You’ll get Dante arrested!”
“Nah ah,” Dante replied. “While my bro wuz bein’ me, I wuz at the clinic, lettin’ everyone know that twat-face molested you. So, when he lays charges against me, I have your former workmates and the patients as alibies, not to mention the CCTV. He’ll not only look like a liar; it’ll give weight to your charges against him.”
“What charges?!” I snapped. “I haven’t laid any.”
“But you will.”
“Like hell!” I yelled, instantly wiping the smug look off his face. “I told you to leave this alone.”
Dante shook his head. “No, you told me you were afraid I’d get caught, so I took care of that problem.”
“There wasn’t a problem to take care of!”
He scowled at me. “Don’t fuckin’ downplay what he did.”
“I’m not downplaying anything; it was a misunderstanding. I already told you that. I also told you to leave it alone. But what do you do? You go and get your brother to assault Simon.”
“He deserved it!”
Furious with him, I prodded my chest. “That is my decision to make, not yours.”
His face grew stormy. “What happens when he does it to someone else? You have a responsibility to make this prick pay, like I should’ve made my stepdad pay for what he did to me. Ash got hurt and our mum died cos I kept quiet—just like you’re keeping quiet.”
I shook my head. “This isn’t the same.”
“It’s still a sexual assault! Simon went into your bedroom while you were sleeping, pulled your knickers down, and planted his face in your pussy. And don’t throw that sleep-talkin’ bullshit at me, cos it doesn’t cut it.”
“You still shouldn’t have interfered,” I said, horrified he’d said that in front of others. L was looking at me with sympathy, while Ash had a blank face, whatever he was thinking hidden behind a wall. “This was my decision to make.”
“I get it,” Dante replied. “You don’t want people knowing what he did to you, but keeping that shit hidden hurts other people.”
“Don’t superimpose what happened to you on what happened to me. You were raped, I wasn’t.”
“He put his face in your fuckin’ cunt!” Dante yelled.
“Dante—”
“Don’t fuckin’ Dante me! He fuckin’ raped you!”
“He didn’t enter me. It was assault at the most.”
“He put his tongue in you. That’s penetration.”
“I don’t think—”
“You don’t think what? That forced oral sex isn’t rape? Then, let’s spin this around. So what do ya think it is when a chick starts sucking my cock, doin’ whatever the fuck she wants to my body without my permission? Is it a misunderstanding, assault, or rape? Go on, tell me what the fuck is it?”
My face dropped, what he was saying reminding me of what Jasper’s auntie had done to him.
“Answer me!” he yelled.
“It’s rape.”
“Cos that bitch forced herself onto me like that fucker forced himself on you,” he yelled, jabbing a finger at me.
My heart sped up, devastated he remembered what Ngaire Rakete had done. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you got that memory back. It’s why I stayed away from you.”
He retracted his hand. “What do ya mean?”
“Your father didn’t want you to find out what Jasper’s auntie did to you, so he came to the prison, telling me to keep away from you, so the memory didn’t return.”
He blinked at me, his face going blank. “What did Ngaire do to me?”
“What?” I said, now confused.
“I asked what Ngaire did to me.”
“But you said she—”
“I didn’t say shit ’bout Ngaire, so what the fuck are ya talkin’ ’bout?”
I sucked in a breath, realising I’d made a huge mistake, what he was talking about obviously something different.
He stepped closer to me, backing me into the desk. “What the fuck did that woman do to me?” he snapped, now looking angry.
“I... I made a mistake. I assumed you were referring to her before.”
“I wuz talkin’ ’bout Phelia. Jasper told me she sucked me off while I wuz sleeping, then tried to ride me another time while I wuz drunk. Did Ngaire do the same?” When I didn’t reply, he looked at his brother. “Do ya know anything ’bout this?”
Ash shook his head.
Dante refocused on me. “Did Ngaire fuck with me?”
I bit my lip and nodded, knowing he wasn’t going to let this go. “I’m so sorry, she blackmailed you into having sex with her.”
“Cos of you?”
I shook my head vigorously. “She used something else on you. I didn’t find out until later.”
“But my dad knew from the get go?”
“He found out later, too.”
Dante swore, anger warping his handsome face. “I wuz told she moved to Australia, like you s’posedly did. It wuz all fuckin’ lies, wuzn’t it? Did she get sent to prison, too?”
“Not the one I went to, and as far as I know, I don’t think she was prosecuted for what she did.”
Dante whipped out his phone, dialling a number before I could say another word. He placed the phone to his ear, barking into it, “Where’s Ngaire Rakete?” His face turned stony. “Don’t fuckin’ lie to me! I’m sick of your lies. So you better fuckin’ tell me the goddamned truth for once in your life!” He clenched the phone, looking like he was waiting for an answer. Then a sneer pulled across his lips. “Did’ja do it?” Surprise crossed his face. “You’re fuckin’ with me.” He shook his head. “Her own brother? Why would Killer do that? He loved his sis.” His face turned harsh again. “Don’t spin bullshit, I know she fucked with me, so tell me the truth, cos I prefer the truth to the pack of lies you keep shoving down my throat.” He paused. “What difference does it make? Women always fuck me over.” He aimed a glare at me, giving me the impression he was tarnishing me with the same brush. “Well, I hope the maggots had a good fill of the bitch.” He hung up, his eyes hard. “Her brother killed her for raping me. It’s nice to know someone cared enough to get revenge for me. I’d do the same for the people I care for, but I guess you don’t adhere to the same way of thinking.”
“I protected you by staying away, by doing what your father said, so the bad memories didn’t return.”
“So, lemme get this straight,” he said, still looking angry. “You stayed away to protect me from shit I still can’t remember, but you think what I got Ash to do to Simon is wrong? I did it to protect you, but I guess what’s good for you ain’t good enough for me.”
“That’s not why,” I said, shaking my head, not understanding how things had gone wrong so fast.
A sneer pulled at his lips. “Yeah, you’re pro’bly right. I’m too dumb to understand you women. Beth thought I wuz dumb, Kara thinks it too, looks like you’re just like ’em. Patronising as fuck.”
“No, Dante, I’m not patronising you. That’s not it at all.”
“It sure as fuck feels like it. You speak to me like I’m an idiot.”
“No, I don’t!” I said, horrified, not understanding how he’d come to that conclusion.
“Don’t bullshit me, cos I’m sick of you tiptoeing around me, treating me like that fifteen-year-old kid you pro’bly still want. Well, I’m not that kid anymore. I’m a twenty-four-year-old shithead, who has been fucked over by so many women, one more won’t make a difference. Are you gonna add to that tally? Fuck me over like all those other bitches?”
“No.” I grabbed his arm before he could back away. “I never wanted to hurt you, and I’m so sorry I did,” I said, letting him win the argument, because, although I didn’t want him hurting Simon, Simon was nothing to me, while Dante was everything. “I understand why you wanted payback for me. Can we just leave it at that? I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I want to see you happy. I need to see you happy.”
He bit his lip, looking like he didn’t know what to say next.
I let go of his arm and cupped his face. “Please don’t be mad at me. I love you, Dante. Love you so much.”
“So much you walked away, not willing to fight for me over some piece of shit memory I couldn’t give a toss about?” he replied, looking like he was going to pull away.
I tightened my grip on his face. “I didn’t know that. I thought a memory like that could shatter you. Rape memories ruin people. I didn’t want to do that to you.”
“It wuzn’t you who raped me.”
“I know, but I still didn’t want you to remember what that animal did to you.”
He wrenched my hands away from his face. “So you left me to get fucked over by more animals? Cos Kara’s an animal too. I remember you coming to my house that day years back. I may not have known who you were back then, but you knew who I wuz, the boy you s’posedly loved, yet you allowed her to humiliate me in front of you. That bitch basically called me a whore, talkin’ down to me like I wuz an idiot. If you loved me so much you would’ve stuck up for me instead of runnin’ like a coward.”
“I was upset you’d moved on from me, and even more upset you didn’t remember me.”
“You shoulda made me remember!”
“I already told you, I didn’t want you remembering Ngaire raping you.”
“So you stayed away for my sake?” He shook his head. “I call bullshit. You stayed away cos you thought I wuz some stripper whore, while now, you’re here for the paycheque.”
“No! You’d moved on!”
“What ’bout now? You want me to move on again? To leave you the fuck alone, not to do the things a man should do for their woman?”
“No, I want you to stay. But you have to understand I have a mind of my own, that I don’t always see things how you see them.”
“So, we’re too different?”
“No, we just think differently, but it doesn’t mean we can’t compromise.”
“My compromise is to make people suffer if they touch my woman.”
“Yes, and I’m sorry I didn’t act appreciative, just... can we please drop it now?”
His jaw clenched, looking like he wasn’t going to drop it, but to my relief he nodded. “For now.”
I exhaled. “Thank you.”
I stepped in closer and hugged him. He remained stiff, causing me concern, but instead of pushing me away, he wrapped his arms around me, crushing me against his body like he wanted to imprint himself on me.
He turned me around and backed me up against the door, alerting me to the fact his brother and L were no longer here. I’d been so caught up with our argument that I hadn’t even registered them closing the door, let alone leaving.
Dante placed his hands on either side of my head, resting them on the door. “Were you this annoying when we were younger?”
“I wasn’t annoying,” I replied, disconcerted by his intense stare. “You were.”
“Nah, you’re defo the annoying one, but for some reason I like your annoying arse.”
I frowned, him liking me not enough. “I wish you would remember loving me. No, I wish you loved me.”
“It could come if you stopped tryin’ your hardest to make me walk away. And I will walk if you keep fuckin’ me off, cos I’m done with women railroading me.”
“I’m not railroading you, I was just shocked over what you did. It totally blindsided me. You basically took all control out of my hands. I think I’m allowed to lose it a little bit.”
He frowned. “I didn’t think of it that way.”
“I know, we got our wires crossed. Just please don’t let this thing with Simon ruin what we have. He means nothing to me.”
“It didn’t look like that when you were goin’ off at me for gettin’ him smacked over.”
“I don’t like violence, but regardless, I’d throw him under a bus just to get a smile out of you.”
His lips twitched, looking like he was trying to suppress one.
I placed a hand on his chest. “Can we get through this?”
“If you respect what I do without puttin’ me down.”
“I didn’t put you down, you misunderstood what I was getting at. I’m not like your past girlfriends. I would never lie or belittle you. I love you too much to do that. I want to see you smile. I want to see you happy. To hear you laugh. You have such a beautiful laugh.”
A smile finally pulled at his lips. “Unlike yours. I’d be embarrassed if I had a laugh like yours.” He snorted like a pig, making fun of my laugh.
I smacked his chest, my heart lifting at his smirk. “Cheeky.”
He took hold of my hand and placed it on his butt. “You bet I am.”
I snorted out a laugh.
“What did I say? Embarrassing.”
I shook my head at him, so relieved he was trading banter, instead of anger.
His smile softened. “I can see it.”
“See what?”
“Why I loved you.”
I sucked in a sharp breath, praying one of his memories had returned.
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “I don’t think I needa remember loving you. I think you’re gonna make me fall for you all over again.”
“Oh, Dante.”
I grabbed his face and kissed him hard. He grabbed my face too, returning my kiss just as passionately. I was so close to bursting into tears, the relief over what he’d said, my need for him, this love I felt... I couldn’t handle how much I loved him, couldn’t convey it enough other than through my desperate kiss.
He let go of my face and picked me up, carrying me over to the desk. He shoved a pile of papers and a pen holder off it, also knocking the keyboard over the side, its cord stopping it from crashing to the floor. Before I knew it, I was lying on my back and with my knickers magically gone. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock, looking so sinfully erotic I lost my breath. My breath came back in a sudden rush when he yanked me closer, his rough handling making my heart slam against my chest. He placed his cock at my entrance, penetrating me with one punch of his hips. We both gasped, the sudden intrusion almost painful, yet excruciatingly good, every nerve in my body coming alive. Then he started moving his hips, rocking me against the desk, the creak of the wood growing louder as his thrusts grew more savage. I lifted my hands over my head, grappling at the edge of the desk, scared he was going to push me over it. I went to wrap my legs around his waist too, but he pulled back before I could lock him in. I opened my mouth to complain, wanting him buried balls deep inside of me, but he yanked me closer, silencing my protests. He rested my legs against his shoulders and lifted my butt, penetrating me once more, giving me exactly what I wanted... needed. It didn’t take long before I was coming, what I was feeling and seeing so overwhelming I couldn’t hold back—nor wanted to. I cried out his name, not caring if people heard me. If anything, I wanted everyone to know just how much I loved this man.
The only man I had ever loved.