Chapter 17
Enough was enough.
Every day had been torturous, checking his phone a thousand times for messages that never came and not understanding why this would make her run, when all he wanted to do was talk about it and see what they could discover by sharing details.
“You might have to come to terms with the fact that she is choosing not to have a relationship with you in this lifetime and move on.” Claire had told him in their last session.
But he was not anywhere near remotely ready to do that. This was his Kylie. And now his Rachel. And she was running. Running scared. Hiding was out of fear. He knew that in his gut. Getting her across the threshold and alleviating what was causing this extreme anxiety was the answer. She had dealt so well with regression analysis, so now why this behavior? It was not like her to not want to confront everything head on and get to the bottom of it. Underneath the tough, New Jersey girl exterior, something had her so freaked out that she literally locked and chained the door.
Moving on was not the answer. And he was starting to resent Claire for saying that to him.
And as far as giving her time and space, that was a freaking chick thing and he was done with it. Kylie wasn’t the only one with the license to call bullshit. He was now calling it. And he was fed up with it.
Enough was enough.
And that is how he found himself banging on her apartment door.
“C’mon, Kylie. Open the door. You do know I have a key.” Pounding the door again, he shook his head, thinking exasperated didn’t even begin to describe it. “Kylie, open up.”
Hearing a click from behind him, he quickly turned. Two twenty-something neighbors of Kylie’s peered out to see her famous boyfriend pleading for her to let him in. “Hi, Jesse,” they giggled, almost in unison. Without really looking, he lifted his hand to wave and turned back to the door.
“I’m not going away, so you need to let me in.” He paused, “And when I need to use the bathroom, I’m sure the girls across the hall will help me out.”
The door across the hall opened an inch. “We will.” One of them yelled, before the click of the door closing and giggles from inside.
Without another word being spoken or anymore pounding, the door to Kylie’s apartment opened, with Kylie tucked behind it where Jesse couldn’t see her. He stepped inside the apartment, peeking behind the door to find a tear-stained redhead almost cowering. Kylie, cowering? Jesse’s heart hurt looking at her. This truly was destroying her and that was what he could not understand.
“Toots,” he reached out for her, only for her to back away. “No. No. No. Come here.” Taking her face in both hands, he asked, “Do you think I’m going to hurt you?”
“I know you are. That’s the way it’s always been. Don’t you see that? I will be left devastated. You will destroy me again.”
What the hell was going on in her head? He had initially misread the situation, thinking it was just pissed-off, ballsy Kylie, but as time went on, he wondered. Anger would have worn off and that made him fear something more serious. And he was right. He knew it. He could feel it, feel her, even with the absence and distance.
Her haunted eyes were but a mirror of her haunted, and now jaundiced, heart and Jesse knew if he didn’t find a way to get to her, this time he would lose her forever. “I’m not going to hurt you, Kylie. We now know, so together we can figure this out. Knowing is a gift. We can figure out the broken pieces and fix them. We’re going to change our fate this time. Karma is on our side.”
Her face was still in his hands, as she shook it no. “I didn’t want to fall in love with you to start with. I knew what a risk you were and I was just setting myself up to be decimated. I knew that. But I couldn’t stop. I was the addict here, Jesse, not you. You were the drug, the sweet high that elevated me to a new plane, spun me around and released me to fly. One dose of you and you’re impossible not to crave.”
She was retreating. He could feel it. He went to speak, but she cut him off.
“I have lost you so many times and I’m always the one left behind to deal with the pain. The pain of losing you, the slow death where I’m begging it all to end. Every time, Jesse,” she was almost screaming at him, anger mingling with the desperation of heartache. “Every time you leave me in Hell. Well, not this time. I’m not accepting that fate this time. I’m not going to love you the way I loved Bruno and David and Gaius, who I’m assuming were all you.”
Reeling, Jesse dropped his hands from her face, and stumbled backwards. “You–You remember loving Gaius?”
Kylie’s hand flew to her mouth, realizing the words she had spoken, chills running up both arms, meeting at the stiffened hairs on the back of her neck. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because of what you’ve told me.” But in that moment, she knew it wasn’t. Standing before her was the man who came back for her again and again. “You came for me,” she sobbed out the words.
“Forever and always,” he repeated the promise it felt like he had made to her only yesterday. A promise born in the shadows of Rome’s ancient aqueducts. Saying a silent prayer, he hoped, on some level, his response clicked another moment, another memory into full-technicolor for her.
Silently, she nodded as if remembering. Forever and always. It meant something to her.
Searching her glorious green eyes, he hoped for a passage, that sliver of a path that would lead her back to him quickly, before the fear robbed her from him again. Jesse knew he had to strike. “Let’s figure this out, Toots. You’ve got half a puzzle and I’ve got half a puzzle and it was no coincidence that we both ended up as patients of Dr. S. But this time we’re going to put it together and we’re going to have our happily ever after. Because we’ll know all the shit we’ve gotten wrong over the lifetimes and we’ll fix it. We’re going to fix this, here and now.” Taking a step toward her, he opened his arms. “I promise,” he was shaking his head yes.
“You promise?” She needed reassurance.
“I do,” and he nodded again before she went to him. Holding her tightly, “Toots, I’m not going to let anything happen to you and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. That, I promise. If anyone tries to hurt you, they’ll have to break through me. We know. Kylie, we know. It all makes sense now. Us meeting. And now that we know, we’re invincible. It’s not about how our love began, or what we’ve been through, it’s about how we choose to rewrite it now. There is no death. Ponder that one, babe. We never end. You are mine forever.”
Holding her this time felt different. He was holding Kylie. He was holding Julia. He was holding Rachel. And the realization became too much. He’d always thought of Kylie as a gift and now he knew why. That one last chance to hold Julia. To be with Julia. Again. The ultimate gift. And Rachel. Oh, to feel her in his arms one more time. Finding her, again.
Burying his face in her neck, he was overwhelmed by the myriad of emotions slamming him from different points throughout the eons and exploding as hot tears. It was too much to comprehend. Too much to bear, and right now he was only focused on the good.
“I’m getting you soaked,” he pulled away to look at her, shocked at her lack of emotion. He was feeling every moment his soul had ever lived and Kylie had seemingly shut down on him again. Grabbing her hand, he pulled her to the couch, stopping short of sitting down. “Do you have paper and pens?” She nodded and headed toward the bedroom while he pulled out his chariot journal.
Coming back, she handed him the pens and paper and just stood there. “Sit, Toots. I’m not going to bite you.”
Kylie didn’t crack a smile.
“Before we start this, I just want you to think about this, okay? Never will there be a moment that is our last. Never. Just think about that, Toots. We didn’t know that before, and being separated killed us, but we know it now. I can’t even describe the comfort I feel in that. If we had known this all those other times, it would have made the hell we’ve gone through less painful. All you have to know is I will love you forever. I’ve already loved you for thousands of years. And I think probably for many lifetimes. And you and I, we’re still on this journey together. We will always have so much more to share. Always and forever.” He smiled his lopsided smile as a thought came to him. “If this doesn’t help create some brilliant tunes, then I need to hang up my rock ’n’ roll shoes,” he finished with a rough laugh.
Spreading out the sheets of paper on the table in two columns, he titled one, Kylie, the other Jesse.
“We’ve told each other bits and pieces, but we’ve never really gone in-depth with one another about the details of our regressions.” Handing her a pen, “Start with the first ones and the images you saw and then on to the more complex ones. Let’s do where, when, people we knew, landmarks we can identify, details like clothes.”
“Smells and scents,” she added, her nose twitching.
“Yeah,” he encouraged, glad to see she was going to partake. “It might be the littlest thing that spurs a memory.” He went back to his list, writing details from clothes to food to monetary denominations. Looking out the corner of his eye, he watched for a moment as Kylie neatly created her list, knowing if he could keep her talking, working with him on the puzzle, that the exile she’d imposed on him, trying to avoid the danger of love, would finally be conquered.
After about thirty minutes, Kylie stood and stretched before disappearing into the kitchen, only to return with two bottles of cold water.
“Thanks, Toots.” Jesse grabbed the bottle and went back to his list.
They worked for another hour before Kylie broke the silence. “How do you want to do this?”
Picking up his water bottle, he headed for the couch and kicked off his shoes. “I’m going to lie back and close my eyes, just read your list. I’m going to try and keep my mind clear and see what happens.”
“Okay, that sounds good.” She waited for Jesse to get comfortable and for his breathing to settle before beginning on the list. The first few items were just from visuals and feelings she had in the early sessions: being left out on the frozen tundra from one session, a steep hill leading down to the beach in another session, and spiky mountains in a third.
Her regression with Gunther brought more detail as she described the canals of Strasbourg and the bright-colored flowers hanging in baskets that swung in the breeze, flower petals catching the glowing sunlight, beckoning the honey bees. The contrast of those visions to the inside of the hospital where she worked, were stark. The hallways smelled of antiseptic and death, the air never taking on a fresh breeze.
She glanced over at Jesse, wondering if he was still awake. Then she began to tell him about her life as Geneviève. And there was so much to tell. The slight pulsing of his jaw muscles let her know that he was taking in every word, but didn’t utter a sound of his own.
We lost our parents in a fire.
It was just us, my brother, Bruno and me. He had to raise and protect me, she read, peering over the paper, swearing she saw the tic in his jaw again.
I attended the church school at Saint-Eustache and then worked for Mme. Michaud, a rich woman who gave me mending and housework to do. The line of his lips went straight, she was sure of it. To test him, the next ‘fact’ she revealed was, my brother used to give me a coin every day to buy an éclair from Patisserie Stohrer. The edges of his lips pulled up and she knew what she was witnessing were actual reactions and this last one was probably based on nothing more than the treat he had brought her back from Paris.
Bruno, my brother, did handyman work for Mme. Michaud for extra money. She laughed, And to make sure I stayed employed and fed, he also, umm, serviced her. The line of his lips resumed their straight line and his nostrils flared as he breathed in deeply, exhaling raggedly.
Does he remember any of this, she wondered? And went on, He was also involved with the man who ran the charcuiterie. She paused and laughed, He was quite the player. Simply irresistible. She could almost see Bruno’s handsome face in her mind’s eye.
And then one night he didn’t come home. I was worried sick, I couldn’t find him anywhere and I soon found out he’d been arrested for being caught with Mr. Diot, the charcuitier, for having sex in a public place. And I never saw him again. Not until his execution, but he was already dead by then. They’d broken their necks before burning them at the stake.
So focused on her memory, Kylie had not glanced at the couch to note Jesse pulling off his shirt in a ripping motion.
His eyes were closed, his face screwed in agony. “That smell,” he wailed. “That smell.” As he rose from the couch, his hands moved from his tattered shirt to his spiky hair, pulling at it.
“Jesse,” Kylie screamed. “Jesse. Stop.”
His eyes shifted rapidly as he opened them, searching for a place to focus, orient, and anchor himself. With a series of short rapid sniffs, he asked, “What is that smell?”
“Sulphur,” she replied, although there were no odors present in her apartment.
Nodding, he repeated, “Sulphur, yes.” With his hands in his hair, now wet with sweat at the roots, he walked in a circle twice before sitting back on the couch.
Silently, Kylie watched his face, a portrait shifting as if the painter were applying broad, altering brush strokes, before he tilted his head to the side, a thought clearly capturing him as his eyes widened and he frantically dug in his pants’ pocket for his phone.
“There’s a plaque, Kylie. Have you ever seen the plaque?”
Shaking her head, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“There’s a plaque on the street where the bakery is. It’s set into the sidewalk. I saw it last time I was there. The day I got you the éclair. What was your brother’s name again?” he asked.
“Bruno Lenoir,” her voice was soft, arms crossed over her chest, hugging herself.
He stared at his phone for a moment, “When was the last time you were on that street?”
“Rue Montorgueil?”
He nodded.
“Let me think. I was in Paris about two years ago, but I wasn’t in that area. Probably the last time I was at Patisserie Stohrer was on a trip with my parents. My father and I went there. He loves their Baba au Rhum.”
“When was that?”
“Um,” she thought. “A while back…2011, maybe. We were there in April that year.”
“Can you be sure?”
Kylie nodded, heading down the hall to her bedroom. She came back, flipping through the pages of her passport.
“Here it is. We got to Paris on April 8th, 2011 and left on the 15th . What does the plaque say, Jesse?”
“According to internet articles, the plaque was placed in the sidewalk in 2014, so if you were last there in 2011, you wouldn’t have seen it.”
Without uttering a word, she held out her hand for his phone, sensing his reticence at surrendering it to her.
And there it was, set into the sidewalk. Chills ran up her arms again as she read of her brother’s fate.
“You saw this?”
Jesse nodded. Sitting back down on the couch, he put his forehead in his hand. “I stopped to read it and my French is good enough to get the gist of it. And I had a crazy reaction to it, Toots. I couldn’t breathe. I ripped my scarf off because it felt like it was strangling me. I lost it, Toots. I felt like I was being asphyxiated.”
“They stuffed their shirts with sulphur.” Tears streamed down Kylie’s face, an exquisite portrait in pain.
“The complete destruction of their bodies to mere dust, implied at the end of time that they would not resurrect, stopping them from taking part in eternal life.” Jesse was not sure how he knew that, but it was a fact planted somewhere in his mind.
Kylie smiled for the first time. “Well, the fuckers got that wrong.”
“Yes. Yes, they did.”
Jesse paced the room, his lips moving, but no sound emerged, as Kylie watched him, looking for something, anything, that gave her solid proof that he was the brother who loved and protected her.
“Mon moitié,” she mumbled, barely audible.
Stopping in his tracks, the rocker spun around to face her, a myriad of emotions battling one another for control of his expression. “I failed you in that lifetime, too, didn’t I? I was there to protect you and my own selfish behavior got in the way, leaving you to a horrible fate as a small child. I failed Geneviève just like I failed Julia and Rachel. I’ve always been so wrapped up in my own agenda, that those I love most are collateral damage for my risk taking. No wonder you’ve been so afraid of me since we found out. I couldn’t understand why. But now I do.”
“But, Jess, don’t you see that I am not that victim anymore. I fought my own battle with Blaise Collins and you were there ready to protect me, you didn’t let me down. You laid it on the line for him and I stood up to him on my own. He’s not going to metaphorically starve me and blackball me. I’m going to beat all of them at their own game. And you’re not abandoning me. Yes, you have to go off and record and tour, but you are not leaving me in a compromising position. I’m not allowing myself to be a victim.”
As they continued pouring through the lifetimes, the themes kept continuing. The suffering and degradation she experienced upon losing him. His feelings of invincibility. Third-party involvement in his demise. The tragedy just played on and on.
But now they knew. And destiny was theirs for the taking.
••••••
His mumbling in his sleep woke her. It felt good to have him back in her bed again. She couldn’t deny that. His warmth and presence made her realize how much she had missed and needed him. Something she wouldn’t let herself acknowledge before that point. But her world was complete when Jesse Winslow held her in his arms. And now she understood why.
Softly, she ran her fingers through his spiky hair, enjoying the rush she still got every time she looked down at him and saw this famous man off in his dreams next to her, his face magnificent in repose. It had always been deeper than his notoriety and beauty. He was truly the missing piece to the completion of her soul. Mon moitié.
Stirring, he opened his eyes and smiled up at her. “You okay? Can’t sleep, Toots?”
“I’d rather look at you.” She continued to pick at his spiky hair.
“At me?” he chuckled. “What do you see? Or maybe I should ask, who do you see?”
Smiling down at him, “I see you, Jesse. I’m glad for all the others. They’re like missing shards in a panel of stained glass. But the picture they create is distinctly you.”
“I like that.” He stretched, tangling his feet with hers.
Moving her hand from his hair, she cupped his cheek, “Thank you for nearly knocking down my door today. And thank you for not giving up on me.”
Putting his hand over hers, he moved it to his lips, softly kissing her palm. “Kylie, you have been my love forever. Literally. And I loved you before I even knew that. Knowing what I know now, I feel blessed. Yeah, blessed, not a word I use a lot, but blessed that fate has not only brought us together again, but revealed the truth to us. Walking away was never an option for me. Even if I didn’t know the truth about us, did you ever think I’d let you go?”
“I love you.” She moved down on the pillows so that she was face to face with him. “I love you.” The words were finally out.
He was silent.
“I know what you are thinking,” she continued when he didn’t respond. “You’re thinking, does she love me or love them?”
Smiling, “You know me too well, Toots.”
“I loved you long before I knew you had anything to do with them. I think I fell in love with you when you brought me the éclair. Yeah, that far back. You brought me a gift because you were thinking about me and I was just so moved by that. In your busy life, you went out of your way to do something to make me smile. So, yeah, it’s you I love. But now that I know our truth, it just takes that love and amplifies it. Jesse, I feel like my heart is going to explode. I am so overwhelmed.”
“C’mere.” He pulled her into a tight embrace, tangling their legs even deeper.
Shifting, so that she could look in his eyes, the words tumbled out without any forethought. “Marry me.” It was neither a question nor a statement.
“You want me to marry you?” His lopsided grin already told her his answer.
“We never got to do it. Not Gaius and Julia, nor Rachel and David. That was a dream we never fulfilled. And I want the dream. I want you to marry me.” Kylie’s eyes were alight in the semi-dark room. And what she didn’t say was as powerful as what she did say.
“Toots, I will marry you tomorrow if we can. But are you sure? You just spent weeks refusing to see me, telling me we were over. I’m reeling in a good way now, but I won’t lie to you, I have been in hell since the concert.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I know it doesn’t make it any better, but I was miserable, too. And all I could think was that I’m going to lose you again, so do it now and get it over with. Don’t fall any deeper in love with him. Get out now.”
“And how did that work out for you?” There was the sound of pleasure in his throaty laugh.
“Not so good. I thought about you day and night. I missed you so much it physically hurt. I knew the pain of losing you and I thought if I have to go through this again, it will kill me. So instead, I was slowly killing myself. I cursed the day I met you in Claire’s waiting room. And begged the cosmos to give me a break and not love you so much. But they didn’t listen. It sucked. It sucked so bad. And I was in Hell knowing you were out there and not with me. I’m sorry I tried to run and hide. And I’m sorry for hurting you. I ache knowing I caused you pain, Jesse.”
Rolling away from her, he reached for his phone on the nightstand. After a moment of looking something up, he said, “It says we have to get a license and then there is a twenty-four-hour waiting period. Let’s get it tomorrow morning.” He smiled his lopsided grin. “And then go back the next day and get married. We can do however big a wedding you want afterwards, but let’s just do this quietly first so nothing fucks it up. This way, by the time people find out we’re getting married, we’re already married.”
“Can Hayley be our witness?”
“Sure. Do you want your parents to come down?”
Kylie shook her head, “No. They can come to the party when we throw it. I just want this to be you and me. And Sip.”
“I’m getting married,” he laughed. “I’m marrying some pushy New Jersey broad who asked me to marry her and I said yes, after she ignored me for weeks. I’m such a fucking pushover.”
“You are a lucky son of a bitch.” She laid her head down on his shoulder.
••••••
They needed a second witness.
Jesse looked out at the rows in the courtroom, “Hey, anyone want to be our second witness?”
What ensued was practically a stampede at a rock concert with fans rushing the judge’s bench instead of a stage, with a none-too-happy judge calling for ‘order in the court’.
His name was Jason and he was a bass player in a local band, there in court to get married that morning, too. It seemed perfect since he was a fellow musician and now would have the ultimate rock ’n’ roll story to tell forever. “Did I ever tell you about the time I stood up for Jesse Fucking Winslow at his wedding?”
In a black suit and skinny tie, with his new clean-cut look, Jesse looked more model than rocker. She was in a white silk drape dress, resembling a stola. It wasn’t a coincidence. With her hair pulled up, titian curls framing her face, Kylie was a vision, ethereal and timeless.
By the time they emerged, hand in hand, onto the courthouse steps, the paparazzi had been alerted to what had taken place in the courtroom and were waiting for the newlyweds.
“I’ll meet you two later to celebrate,” Hayley kissed them both goodbye and effortlessly disappeared into the crowd.
“Jesse, over here. Did you two just get married?” The popping flashes blinded them.
“I’d say I’m a bit overdressed for a traffic ticket,” he kidded.
“Are you and Kylie really married?” It was a reporter from Rolling Stone.
“Well, we were hoping to tell her parents first before you found us, but yes,” he turned to Kylie, his trademark smile and eyes singing a love song of their own. “Please, meet my fantastically gorgeous, smart, beautiful-hearted, and lovable bride, Mrs. Jesse Winslow.”
The crowd cheered as the once world-famous playboy bachelor took his bride’s face in both hands and smiled at her before going in for a kiss that would satisfy all the media outlets and be broadcast throughout the world in mere minutes. But even more importantly, as they stood at the top of the famous marble staircase in lower Manhattan, it did not elude either of them that the fairytale they’d wished for--to be husband and wife, once upon a time, on gleaming white marble steps, before the destruction of Herod’s second Temple in Jerusalem, and once upon a time, among the intricate marble staircases ascending the Seven Hills of Rome--had finally come true.
Had the soul work they had done in this lifetime been enough to alter the fate that had continually kept them separated lifetime after lifetime? Was this possibly their karmic retribution, their day in the sun?
As they separated from their kiss, the cheer of the crowd was deafening as the first citizens of the world celebrated their union. Pulling her close, Jesse held Kylie tight, softly rubbing his cheek against hers until his lips caressed her ear.
Feeling his warm breath against her skin was comforting amongst the growing pandemonium surrounding them. Above the noise of the crowd, she clearly heard his whisper in her ear as he proclaimed a promise, one that she had waited for over the course of millennia.
“Forever Mine, ma moitié.”