Chapter Thirty-Two
Katie
I ate an embarrassing amount of food. I ordered everything on the menu that sounded recognizable. I’d been too nervous to eat all day, and then dinner with my dad had gone to shit. Crap. Had gone to crap. Talking to Cash had made me feel better though, had made me feel like I could breathe a little. Was that love? Or was that simply Cash? The sound of his voice could calm me down and amp me up. Either way, I’d take him.
When there was a knock at my door, I knew who it was. Mainly because there was only one person I knew in the U.K., but also because he was my dad, and I knew he wouldn’t leave things hanging between us.
I climbed out of bed sort of wishing I hadn’t put on my fuzzy plaid pants with one of Cash’s t-shirts I’d stolen. Showing my dad how close Cash and I had become was adding insult to injury and probably wasn’t going to get me far. I opened the door and then moped back to my bed, sitting down and folding my legs under me. “We’re alone, you can yell at me now.”
“Katie.” My dad locked my door—safety first—and then pulled up a chair to sit in front of me. Damn. It was going to be one of those talks. The ones where he gets on my level to make me feel like we’re connecting, but really he’s placating me. “You’re right.”
Holy shit. I squinted so my eyes wouldn’t grow as large as saucers.
“When you were born, I lost my dad and the only mom I’d ever really known. I walked into a hospital, fighting back tears and a mental breakdown, and was handed a baby. You were so tiny, and every time I fed you, you held my finger.” He smiled at the memory, tears in his eyes.
“I didn’t know the first thing about what to do with you. I didn’t know how to deal with the death of our parents. I didn’t know how to be a responsible adult. I didn’t know how to love your mom the way she deserved to be loved.” He hung his head for a moment. “So I left.”
“You what?” I’d never heard him talk like this. Neither of my parents ever mentioned my dad leaving.
“I got scared of all it and I left when you were about five weeks old. I didn’t come home for almost four months.”
“Why didn’t I know this? Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
He shook his head. “When I came home, after your mom and I got back together, I vowed to never leave either one of you again. I swore that I would be the man you two deserved, and that I would spend the rest of my life making sure that you were safe and loved.” He wiped a tear before it began to roll down his cheek. “I guess I overshot the mark a bit.”
“Dad.”
“No, Katie, let me finish.” He was breaking my heart. “Our dad had me when he was barely eighteen. He was a kid, raising a kid. He let me stay up late and travel the world with him. I ate junk food and swam with sharks. The real ones, and the Hollywood ones.
“Johnny Cadence was more like my older brother than he was my father. It wasn’t until he met M Kat, your mom, that he started to change. He settled down and started doing dishes.” Dad chuckled at some distant memory I’d never have of my parents. “When they told me about you? They were so excited, like over-the-top thrilled. He was so ready to be your dad. And when he died, I guess…I guess I got it all wrong, Bug.” Tears started streaming down his face.
“I didn’t have the kind of dad that worried about me. He never asked where I was or when I’d be home. He didn’t make me do my homework. Instead he loved hearing about the dumb shit I did, the adventures I had.” My dad reached for my hands. “So I went the opposite route. I kept you close, afraid to lose you—afraid to screw up this amazing tiny little gift that had been placed in my arms. Meeting you was the best and the worst night of my life. All I’ve ever wanted was to raise you the right way, to make them proud. And I’m so sorry that I did it all wrong.”
I jumped into my dad’s arms, crying as hard as he was. “You didn’t do it wrong. You didn’t.” I hugged him as hard as I could. “There has never been a day in my life that I haven’t felt loved and wanted and safe. I promise. I’m sorry I made you feel this way. I’m so sorry, Dad.”
He pushed me back a little, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “We’re going to do better, you and me.” He grinned, his eyes still misty. “I should have known that you’d break free one day. You’re Johnny Cadence’s daughter. You were born to rebel.”
“I’m your daughter too.”
“Yeah, well, that’s even worse.” He winked and hugged me back to his chest again. “Now. You want to tell me about this boy?”
***
My dad’s room was right next to mine, but he fell asleep watching a movie with me. It was late and I was glad he was here. I hated that I’d made him feel bad; I’d only wanted him to hear me. I never wanted to see my dad cry again. It had ripped my heart out. I got up to go to the restroom and when I came back I noticed an envelope on the desk with my name on it. Had this been here all along? Did my dad bring it in when he came in? I looked back toward the bed; he was still asleep.
When I opened the envelope there was a letter, and another smaller envelope inside.
Katie,
At some point before our dad passed away, he wrote us each a letter. I found them when you were a baby and I’d come home and was cleaning out their closet. I read mine that day, and I’ve carried it with me ever since. But until tonight, I hadn’t pulled it out in almost eighteen years. I should have re-read it sooner. I should have memorized the words he’d left me. The instructions he didn’t know he was giving.
He told me to take you to the places he and I had seen and to teach you to surf. He told me to love you like he loved me. He wanted you to be free. He wanted you to live a life full of adventure. I promise, I’ll spend the next eighteen years making up for the last. Although, he would have hated you living in L.A., so I at least got that one right.
I’ll miss you next year. But. He told me to teach you to surf, so maybe I can come down for lessons every weekend? I should have given you your letter on your eighteenth birthday. I should have given it to you when you learned to read. I can’t explain it, but it was like no time ever felt right. And now I know why.
My dad and I came to London when I was sixteen. We stayed in this hotel and he let me get drunk at the hotel bar. That’s not happening for you. Sorry, Bug, baby steps. But since this is the first time you’ve been in another country, and you happen to be standing in the same suite he put me in…Suddenly, it’s the perfect time.
Love you,
Dad.
My hands were shaking as I tore open the other letter. I wanted to cry and smile and laugh. I wanted my dad to stay asleep, but at the same time I wanted him to wake up. I didn’t have things like this, things that were only between me and my father.
Baby Girl,
Sorry, we don’t have your name picked out yet. I like James, your mom thinks it’s only a boy name. Once you’re here and you get a name, I’ll add it to the top of your letter. If it’s not James, well, your mom won. She usually does.
I hope I’m old. I hope you’re old. I hope you’re sitting next to your brother surrounded by y’all’s families, smiling at the memory of what an amazing man I was. I hope I made you proud. I hope I was a good dad. I’m going to try my hardest, baby girl. I promise I will. Your mom says it’s all about balance, that we need to let you live, but give you the skills to live well.
If I died too soon, I’m sorry. The thought of not seeing you grow up makes me feel like I can’t breathe. But, if the unthinkable happens, please know that I love you. I love you and your brother more than anything else in this whole damn world. Let him help your mom raise you. Let him be there for you the way I would have been. He’ll make mistakes, he’ll fumble, but be forgiving. He didn’t have the best role model at times.
No matter how tough and aloof he tries to act, he cried when he heard your heartbeat for the first time. And if he denies it, it’s recorded and saved on a zip drive in my office safe. I’ve got to go now, baby girl, it’s your mom and my anniversary. She’s massively pregnant, don’t tell her I said that, and she’s always hungry. I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to hold you for the first time. I can’t wait to see your brother fall instantly in love. I can’t wait to watch you live, baby girl. I don’t want to miss a single second of your life. And I won’t, I swear, I’ll always be with you.
Love,
Dad
Tears were cascading down my face, unchecked. I missed him in that moment. I missed the man I’d never get a chance to meet so fiercely that my chest ached.
“Bug.” My dad scooped me in his arms. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.” I clung to him, taking comfort in the familiar scent of my dad.
“I hate that he’s gone. I hate that I never got a chance to know him.” I usually kept thoughts like that to myself. I didn’t want to hurt my dad’s feelings. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him.
“I hate it too.” He kissed my head, rocking me like I was a still a baby.
“Thank you, for my letter.”
“I’m sorry I kept it for so long,”
“No.” I shook my head. “The one you wrote me. I love them both. I’ll carry them both with me. Always.”